How to Help my Unhappy DH?

[Rora]

Thanks. We are plugging away. However, after 11 years we are finally learning things we probably should have learned years ago.

That is exactly what my problem. I do all the things *I* would like and he doesn't like them. I want to be coddled and told I'm wonderful and that things will be better. I want to talk and talk and talk and talk about it. He wants me to go away. He moves on from his 'bad day' or whatever on his own. Me nagging and discussing and trying to get him to 'cheer up' almost always backfires on me.

I'm going to have to start taking my own advice more!

Pretty sure we married the same guy.

Yeah, this seems to be our issues in a nutshell. But, how do you deal with not feeling loved? I think I can fix the rest of my problems (by shutting up, helping him look for a new job, etc) but I don't know how to fix those feelings.

I know what I probably sound like and it annoys me too.

 

[tlbwriter]

Yeah, this seems to be our issues in a nutshell. But, how do you deal with not feeling loved? I think I can fix the rest of my problems (by shutting up, helping him look for a new job, etc) but I don't know how to fix those feelings.

What is it, exactly, about the situation that makes you feel unloved?

 

[Planogirl]

Keep in mind that he is not only working full time hours at a job he hates but if I understand it right, he is studying too. All of that is stressful and tiring. It is hard but I think that continuing to be patient and giving him space for now might just see both of you through this. Even just taking the tests and getting that done might relieve some of the tension and that's coming up soon.

 

[shortbun]

If he has all of his coursework to become a teacher he might be able to sub in the district or surrounding district. Why doesn't he check into that-plus if he is subbing there is a foot in the door for a job in the fall or sooner. Even if he can't sub as a regular teacher he could probably sub as a para somewhere.

This is an excellent idea. Subs make decent money and he would have some experience. Golfgal, you da bomb!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Thank you for being honest. I'm going to honest: I'm sure he does feel a bit of my disapproval. He's been changing his mind about careers since he was 18. Honestly, it's been annoying. I want him to be happy but I want him to pick something, settle down with it, be happy, etc. so our lives will settle down.

I feel like we're in limbo because of his job situation. We want to move, but won't until he obtains a job he likes. We want to have kids here kind of soon, but won't until he has a secure job that he likes.

I'll be the first to say that this cannot be easy on him and yes, I am being selfish by wanting him to pay more attention to me, "just deal with it", etc.

You brought up age-- you're right, we are young. We've been together since I was a freshman in high school and have had a very happy, loving relationship up until recently. The hard part is I'm so used to us just being the way we were and this has really thrown us for a kink. That's okay. And I know everything will be fine. It's just dealing with now.

Thank you for your honest advice. You're right, I am probably making it tougher on him.

It happens. It probably won't be the last time. It has happened to us before as well. It pretty much happens to everyone at one point or another. Learning how to ride it out together will be good practice for the roller coaster of life we all embark on once we enter adult life out on our own. Remember that he's the man you love and the most important thing in your life. Sensitivity on your part now will go a long way to his having sensitivity on his part when it becomes your turn to need it from him as well.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

... But, how do you deal with not feeling loved?...

I would try to table those until he gets past this. Unless he is mistreating you, it can wait. But, when he is ready, you need to be able to discuss this in a way that he will understand - with lists and examples.

 

[RadioNate]

Pretty sure we married the same guy.

Yeah, this seems to be our issues in a nutshell. But, how do you deal with not feeling loved? I think I can fix the rest of my problems (by shutting up, helping him look for a new job, etc) but I don't know how to fix those feelings.

I know what I probably sound like and it annoys me too.

If I knew how to fix that there would be a lot of therapists out of work. Did you ever read the 5 Love Languages book? It is pretty religious based but even though I'm not really religious I found it really helpful. People show and receive love in different ways. It is easy when you share the same love language, it is a bit more work but not impossible when you don't. My DH and I don't. It would be great if he would "speak" in my language all the time but he doesn't. So I need to 'translate' the times he is 'speaking' in his language and appreciate it for what he intends it to be. Does that make sense.

 

[tonilea]

I know you feel unloved (I am dealing w/ a husband who is unhappy at his job too). BUT, his staying at a job he clearly HATES is telling you just how much he does love you.

 

[sharbear]

I don't know where he is working retail but this is the busy season. Retail usually sucks around this time of year. Wait until Jan and things will slow down. They usually do. If they don't or his hours won't slow down after the holidays, get another job. Retail jobs are pretty easy to get and get one that you like.

But retail does suck around the holidays, it just does. Now is the right time to get another job though, no one usually hires after the first of the year.

 

[kimblebee]

Let's hope it doesn't please.
Thanks for a man's perspective.

Thanks for the relating opinion. I know it must be tough to work at a job you really don't enjoy since you do it all day long! But, I'm just sad that it's affecting us so much.

I hope your job situation improves!

I agree with you 100% but, we are where we are.

 

[RitaZ.]

He's been changing his mind about careers since he was 18. Honestly, it's been annoying. I want him to be happy but I want him to pick something, settle down with it, be happy, etc. so our lives will settle down.

Wasn't your husband close to graduating from the police academy? I thought I remember you posting about that or maybe it was another poster.

 

[Rora]

Wasn't your husband close to graduating from the police academy? I thought I remember you posting about that or maybe it was another poster.

Yep. That was me. Then he got hurt in a bad car accident and the police academy told him with this injury he probably wouldn't be able to be a cop. So, that didn't work out for him.

He told me later that he's ok with not being a cop but I'm not sure if he means that..

 

[RitaZ.]

Yep. That was me. Then he got hurt in a bad car accident and the police academy told him with this injury he probably wouldn't be able to be a cop. So, that didn't work out for him.

He told me later that he's ok with not being a cop but I'm not sure if he means that..

That's terrible. Maybe he is frustrated over that.

I think all of us have had or have jobs that we hated/hate. That's what being an adult is all about. You guys are just starting your lives. Every marriage goes through ups and downs.

 

[Rora]

That's terrible. Maybe he is frustrated over that.

I think all of us have had or have jobs that we hated/hate. That's what being an adult is all about. You guys are just starting your lives. Every marriage goes through ups and downs.

Quite possibly!

Thanks.

As far as for why I'm feeling unloved, he just doesn't seem to show any interest in me anymore. I guess it's from being upset, tired, etc. I tell him I love him, he's my best friend, etc but I usually get very nonchalant responses that make me feel like he just doesn't really care and isn't as much in love with me as he used to be.

I try to let it go but sometimes especially recently, it's really been getting to me.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...As far as for why I'm feeling unloved, he just doesn't seem to show any interest in me anymore. I guess it's from being upset, tired, etc. I tell him I love him, he's my best friend, etc but I usually get very nonchalant responses that make me feel like he just doesn't really care and isn't as much in love with me as he used to be.

I try to let it go but sometimes especially recently, it's really been getting to me.

Try to remember that he can't see his responses from your point of view. You seem to understand his stress, so also try to understand that his way of dealing with the stress is not about you. None of this is about you. So don't take something that isn't a problem and turn it into one by overthinking it.

As a PP said, the fact that he is willing to suffer through this is proof of his love and dedication to you. He may not have much more to offer right now.

 

[kirstenb1]

I worked in retail for many years. In January, our hours would go down to a bare minimum. If he can just tough it out for the next 5 weeks, his situation will likely change dramatically.

Also, as far as subbing goes, as you know it can be very hit or miss. I loved subbing and will go back when our younger dd starts kindergarten. I was lucky enough to get a lot of long-term work, but there were times I'd start to go a little nuts if I wasn't working pretty steadily.

 

[rodeo65]

Pretty sure we married the same guy.

Yeah, this seems to be our issues in a nutshell. But, how do you deal with not feeling loved? I think I can fix the rest of my problems (by shutting up, helping him look for a new job, etc) but I don't know how to fix those feelings.

I know what I probably sound like and it annoys me too.

I haven't read the rest of the posts from here, but I have learned after 16 yrs with DH that when things are not going well for him with his business, hovering is the last thing he wants. Advice even less. He does want and need to talk but in his own time and usually if I am pushing him to deal with it on my agenda, he'll start with things he thinks I need to fix before being ready to look at his own stuff.

It caused some really good fights in the early years until I learned to leave him alone for a while to work it through in his own mind. I find the less clingy, and in his face I am, the more he comes to me for support and advice. If I try to shove it down his throat - it is never a pretty discussion. Not saying this is what you're doing, but I find overall, less is more. He married you because you're his best friend and you said you've always had a good relationship. That's the foundation for your marriage, let it do it's thing and give him space to brood. And then be there when he does need you.

 

[Rora]

Try to remember that he can't see his responses from your point of view. You seem to understand his stress, so also try to understand that his way of dealing with the stress is not about you. None of this is about you. So don't take something that isn't a problem and turn it into one by overthinking it.

As a PP said, the fact that he is willing to suffer through this is proof of his love and dedication to you. He may not have much more to offer right now.

Thanks.

You guys are great. Thanks for being honest and helping me see what's going on in this situation. Guess there isn't much to do but get a grip and wait this out.

I appreciate all the opinions and the fact that this thread didn't get nasty. Thanks for listening to me whine about not getting enough attention too. These are the times when I remember that I'm not as old as I think I am.

Any good thoughts for DH and I would be appreciated!

 

[rodeo65]

Quite possibly!

As far as for why I'm feeling unloved, he just doesn't seem to show any interest in me anymore. I guess it's from being upset, tired, etc. I tell him I love him, he's my best friend, etc but I usually get very nonchalant responses that make me feel like he just doesn't really care and isn't as much in love with me as he used to be.

I try to let it go but sometimes especially recently, it's really been getting to me.

Did you ever see a movie called "The Four Seasons"? It's fromt he 70's starring Carol Burnett and Alan Alda. It's about several couples who are all friends heading into mid life and how they are each dealing with their lives together. There is one scene where one guy leaves his wife for a younger model and then the next "season" they all get together he brings the new girl. All the other guys show off and act all gentlemanly around her while ignoring their own wives. Alda and Burnett have a huge fight with her screaming at him about his interst in his friend's new girlfriend. He says "you know how our good times together come in waves? Well I think we're at a really low point" Or something to that effect.

I saw that movie before I even met Dh and it hugely impacted my view of marriage. Prior to that I thought we should always be "IN LOVE". My parents are like that - abnormally so, I think. While it was great growing up seeing that - I also think it is not quite realistic. Funny now that they are retired I call them The Bickersons. Marriage is going to be like that - up and down, up and down. Theres a saying about the ability of a marriage to last being about one of the two of you being in love when the other isn't. There have been times when I think I have actively hated DH, and he me - they pass. He's probably not feeling as close to you because he has other fish to fry in his head at present.

Support when it's needed, back off when he needs space and things will turn around. As a PP stated, as long as there is no dysfunctional stuff going on between you, ride it out - with humor if possible. Laughing got us through some really tough stuff.

And heres some good thoughts and support for you - since you're carrying the relationship load right now.

 

[scrapquitler]

He hates his job. He knows he's not likely to get a teaching job for many months. How about suggesting that he start looking for another (different) job in the meantime? He hates the retail job. Okay, maybe in the meantime he can find a part time job delivering pizzas or working for UPS or subbing in a school system where he might apply later? Just because he needs a part time job right now while he finishes his certification doesn't mean it has to be this particular job. Maybe he will find that another job isn't practical given his classes/study time needs, but if he at least looks, maybe it will help him feel better. Or maybe he should approach the current job and tell them, "Sorry, I was hired for part time, I really CAN'T do all these hours."