How to get married at 45

cayennews

Mouseketeer
Joined
Jul 9, 2009
I am confused and need some advise. I am 45 and just got engaged to my boyfriend of 10 years. We already have a child and own a home together (cart before the horse). This is the first marriage for both of us. I am trying to decide what to do about the wedding. Since I am in my 40's I feel like we should have to scale things back, like having a small ceremony, not have a bridal shower and not register for gifts.

Originally I was thinking of having a relatively small wedding that would include parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, first cousins and a few close friends. This would add up to about 70 people for us. Then I got to thinking that I never really speak to my 1st cousins, so do I really need to have them at the wedding? All of our 1st cousins have invited us to their weddings except for one of my cousins who got married for the 2nd time (he still had a big wedding). If I eliminated cousins it would bring the count to about 45.

I guess what I am asking for opinions on is because of my age and situation, is it odd (could not think of a better word) if I did the traditional things like have a shower and register? Also, should I keep it small and simple (45 guests) or make it more of a family affair? My fiancé is good with anything. Thanks in advance for your input.
 

Christine

Would love to be able to sit on
Joined
Aug 31, 1999
Look, I can, at times, get all bound up in etiquette rules, but a wedding/marriage is a celebratory thing. If you want to have a big wedding with all the trimmings why should you not just because you are in your 40s, had a super long engagement, etc?

You are getting married and you are happy and you want to share it with your family as you have shared in THEIR celebrations.

If you really have absolutely no need of anything, skip the shower.
 

tvguy

Question anything the facts don't support.
Joined
Dec 15, 2003
Given that you established a household together 10 years ago, I would think not registering for gifts would be reasonable . After 10 years, you should have everything you need.
Can't speak to the bridal shower. It is an event to celebrate, maybe more like a party than a wedding. I think the only thing to consider is which people you want to celebrate with, and how much you want to spend.
 
  • Wishing on a star

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Aug 7, 2002
    What do YOU want.....

    Personally, I wouldn't get all caught up in the trappings of a big wedding, showers, gifts, parties, etc...
    (How many younger brides/couples feel roped into the whole big thing the first time, and then actually regret it.)
    For me, I would concentrate my efforts and dollars on creating something more limited, but very special.

    BUT, that is for me.

    Think on this for a while, and see if you can come up with a way to let us know what you really and truly want!!!
     

    lorimay

    🎃🍁🌻
    Joined
    Dec 11, 2008
    First of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! party:

    You should do what makes you happy.
    Have the wedding you want and just have fun, enjoy your moment. You have waited 40 years!!!!
    Planning the wedding is half the fun of it.
     

    kimblebee

    now my thoughts will be worth 5 cents
    Joined
    May 28, 2009
    What do YOU want.....

    Personally, I wouldn't get all caught up in the trappings of a big wedding, showers, gifts, parties, etc...
    (How many younger brides/couples feel roped into the whole big thing the first time, and then actually regret it.)
    For me, I would concentrate my efforts and dollars on creating something more limited, but very special.

    BUT, that is for me.

    Think on this for a while, and see if you can come up with a way to let us know what you really and truly want!!!

    I 100% agree with this. Do what you want and if people want to join you, they will.
     

    focusondisney

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    May 7, 2009
    Please. Celebrities have huge weddings & showers for third weddings. No rules for weddings anymore. But you know your family. Are they going to be happy or judgmental? I personally wouldn’t want to invite people who are rolling their eyes or complaining behind my back.

    Since you don’t give your own shower, that one is a little easier. Has anyone offered to throw it? If someone has offered, you could register for some modest items.

    I’m sure people who love you will be happy to celebrate how ever you choose. Congratulations!
     
  • Christine

    Would love to be able to sit on
    Joined
    Aug 31, 1999
    OP, if someone wants to give you a shower, you could have it themed as far as gifts go. For instance, if you are a wine enthusiast, each guest could just bring a bottle of their favorite wine. Or maybe you're a craft beer person? I've seen "stock the bar" ideas too.

    I've seen other ideas in this regard such as a "barbeque themed" shower for the couple that likes to barbeque.

    Then there are date night showers where the gifts given all revolve around date nights. Movie gift certs, restaurants...

    The point is the celebration and just getting together (I actually love going to showers and hanging out with all my family and meeting others I haven't met before).

    If someone wants to do it, there's definitely a way to do it to have fun and not have your guests fork out tons of money.
     

    RUDisney

    Mom to Ivan & Kristina
    Joined
    Apr 8, 2002
    Best wishes to you and your fiancé!

    One of my favorite weddings was that of my DH's cousin. They were in their 40s and he was an established lawyer. They didn't need anything, but wanted the party to celebrate.

    They kept it low key. It was dinner at the country club (could have been at a restaurant in a private room or in someone's house or backyard). There was soft music playing in the background so that people could talk. There was no dancing. It was lovely to see everyone and get to hang out and actually be able to talk to our relatives without screaming over music. They invited siblings, aunts/uncles and first cousins. Wedding ceremony was in their church.

    You can make your party as simple or as fancy/complicated as you'd like. It's your day. Do with it what you want.
     

    neverlandsky

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Sep 7, 2017
    Congrats and how exciting.

    If we because me & DH have talked at great length about it, had a do-over, we would of eloped, honeymoon, and then had the reception at a later date. Our wedding/reception was hijacked and it nothing we envisioned or wanted except for each other of course. Our advise is to focus on quality not quantity and what you both want despite others opinions. Even if that means you do things nontraditionally.
     

    snapppyd

    God is Great, Beer is Good and People are Crazy!
    Joined
    May 11, 2009
    I had a family member get married for the first time last year. He is 46, his wife is 44. First marriage for her also. They did not have a shower or gift registry because they already bought a house together and didn't really need anything.

    They had a beautifull wedding reception. About 65 people who meant something to them. The ceremony took place at the reception site, they had a DJ, flowers, tons of really good food, the whole nine yards. Everyone had such a great time and was so happy for them. We all danced all night, it was great!!

    I say party if you want to! Congratulations!
     
  • Snowflakey

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Aug 28, 2005
    Congrats! Do what YOU want to do. Your age shouldn't matter. I'd skip a bridal registry and just have attendees do whatever they want. You say you have a child together - how cute making him/her a part of the ceremony :) This is one of the best days in your life so surround yourselves with those you want to share it with! Don't hold back :)
     

    wgeo

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    May 2, 2011
    I agree with most of the other posters - do whatevery you and your fiancee wants - that's all that matters. There is no rule that you have to follow, just have fun. Congrats!
     

    mnrose

    Queen of all she surveys
    Joined
    Jun 18, 2009
    I'd do what YOU want, in terms of ceremony and reception. I would, however, specifically say you don't want gifts. I'd just want the party. :-)
     

    DisneyHardin

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jan 20, 2010
    Congrats. I agree with the other posters who say for you to do whatever you want for your wedding and don't worry about "rules.".

    I would say though, if someone really wants to throw you a shower, you should go ahead and let them and not worry about feeling like you are too old to be having one.
     

    Gumbo4x4

    Note to the ladies who forgot to
    Joined
    Jan 19, 2012
    My cousin & her partner were married (first for both) in their 50’s. Though it was local, it was kept to a very small ceremony - not even cousins or aunts & uncles aside from God parents. No regrets from what they tell me.
     

    mom2rtk

    Invented the term "Characterpalooza"
    Joined
    Aug 23, 2008
    Congrats! party:

    Honestly, I think it's worse when people are getting married for the 2nd or 3rd time and throwing the big wedding, complete with showers and registry. Just because you waited doesn't make it any less important. Do what makes you happy!
     

    kaytieeldr

    Post hoc, ergo propter hoc
    Joined
    Jun 11, 2005
    I guess what I am asking for opinions on is because of my age and situation, is it odd (could not think of a better word) if I did the traditional things like have a shower and register?
    "You" don't have or hold a shower. It's up to you whether it somebody offers, you accept. If you really don't need anything, what about a charity shower
     

    mousefan73

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    May 9, 2012
    I am also 45 and my bF is the same and has never been married, in a new relationship so I hope maybe one day, if she wants, that wedding will happen. Each bride is their own.. Here are my opinions since you asked.. but it comes down to what you want and feel comfortable with. Not what you think others will think. Below are my thoughts which many will agree and disagree with.

    1. A big princess fluffy white dress, with a huge veil I dont know, comes so virginal and I can say this as I am the same age, childlike.. We are not 20.
    2. Bridemaids etc... I would tone down the wedding party.. A group of 10 bridesmaids, who are middle age looks odd. Maybe a maid of honor
    3. A friend got married when they also had a kid.. they turned the wedding party into all about them..no bridesmaids/grooms.. son walked them down.. that was it.
    4. As your household is all set. registering for household items, especially at 45 is a bit odd.. Some may disagree but a honeymoon fund or some specific item.. One wedding they had it all but wanted this super expensive garden set.. they let it be know, to get gift cards for that place...
    5. A shower would be fun but not for household items.. maybe more bachherette style. I would definately still do a girl's thing.. maybe a spa weekend. or something.
    6. Whether the wedding is large or small does not matter. I know if my BF ever gets married she is keeping it smaller as as you get older you usually have less "friends" but closer friends. or long-term friends.. and family that is just family on paper gets more distant.. so I can see her having a location type wedding. where guests fly in and can combine as a vacation. As you get older you appreciate being around those loved ones. Why not make it a weekend thing somewhere cool.
     

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