How to get married at 45

disneychrista

DIS Veteran
Joined
Dec 26, 2002
Do what makes you happy. I’m 46 and never been married (and don’t see it happening). But if I were to get married I personally would care less what others think I should do.
I do feel that showers are things others give you. Not something you plan for yourself.
 

easyas123

Mouseketeer
Joined
May 4, 2018
a few years ago my BIL got married for the first time in his early 40's - they eloped. Once they were home and things calmed down, we threw a nice big old party for them - both sides of the family got to meet each other and everyone had a good time.

If it was me? I'd head off on a destination wedding/honeymoon for 2, and then tell everyone when you got back and/or have a big party after you got back. But I've been married for over 25 years and look at it different. I also agree with others - do what you guys WANT to do and to hell with what anyone else thinks.
Congrats & enjoy the planning.
 

cayennews

Mouseketeer
Joined
Jul 9, 2009
I appreciate all of the comments. I guess I really need to figure out what I want. As I've been reading the comments and thinking about it I am not 100% sure. I never thought we'd actually get married and had not given it any thought. The proposal was a complete surprise.

I have considered having my son walk me down the aisle, but he is only 4. I have also considered having my mother walk me down the aisle as my father passed 2 years ago.

Once I give it more thought I'll report back. Thanks to all!
 
  • cayennews

    Mouseketeer
    Joined
    Jul 9, 2009
    I am also 45 and my bF is the same and has never been married, in a new relationship so I hope maybe one day, if she wants, that wedding will happen. Each bride is their own.. Here are my opinions since you asked.. but it comes down to what you want and feel comfortable with. Not what you think others will think. Below are my thoughts which many will agree and disagree with.

    1. A big princess fluffy white dress, with a huge veil I dont know, comes so virginal and I can say this as I am the same age, childlike.. We are not 20.
    2. Bridemaids etc... I would tone down the wedding party.. A group of 10 bridesmaids, who are middle age looks odd. Maybe a maid of honor
    3. A friend got married when they also had a kid.. they turned the wedding party into all about them..no bridesmaids/grooms.. son walked them down.. that was it.
    4. As your household is all set. registering for household items, especially at 45 is a bit odd.. Some may disagree but a honeymoon fund or some specific item.. One wedding they had it all but wanted this super expensive garden set.. they let it be know, to get gift cards for that place...
    5. A shower would be fun but not for household items.. maybe more bachherette style. I would definately still do a girl's thing.. maybe a spa weekend. or something.
    6. Whether the wedding is large or small does not matter. I know if my BF ever gets married she is keeping it smaller as as you get older you usually have less "friends" but closer friends. or long-term friends.. and family that is just family on paper gets more distant.. so I can see her having a location type wedding. where guests fly in and can combine as a vacation. As you get older you appreciate being around those loved ones. Why not make it a weekend thing somewhere
     

    cayennews

    Mouseketeer
    Joined
    Jul 9, 2009
    I am also 45 and my bF is the same and has never been married, in a new relationship so I hope maybe one day, if she wants, that wedding will happen. Each bride is their own.. Here are my opinions since you asked.. but it comes down to what you want and feel comfortable with. Not what you think others will think. Below are my thoughts which many will agree and disagree with.

    1. A big princess fluffy white dress, with a huge veil I dont know, comes so virginal and I can say this as I am the same age, childlike.. We are not 20.
    2. Bridemaids etc... I would tone down the wedding party.. A group of 10 bridesmaids, who are middle age looks odd. Maybe a maid of honor
    3. A friend got married when they also had a kid.. they turned the wedding party into all about them..no bridesmaids/grooms.. son walked them down.. that was it.
    4. As your household is all set. registering for household items, especially at 45 is a bit odd.. Some may disagree but a honeymoon fund or some specific item.. One wedding they had it all but wanted this super expensive garden set.. they let it be know, to get gift cards for that place...
    5. A shower would be fun but not for household items.. maybe more bachherette style. I would definately still do a girl's thing.. maybe a spa weekend. or something.
    6. Whether the wedding is large or small does not matter. I know if my BF ever gets married she is keeping it smaller as as you get older you usually have less "friends" but closer friends. or long-term friends.. and family that is just family on paper gets more distant.. so I can see her having a location type wedding. where guests fly in and can combine as a vacation. As you get older you appreciate being around those loved ones. Why not make it a weekend thing somewhere cool.
    Thanks for all of your feedback. I agree, no super puffy dress. Not really me anyway. Definitely not having a large bridal party. I just plan on having my 2 sisters. Our son just turned 4, so I am not sure about him walking me down the aisle. I might ask my mom. My dad passed in 2017. My household is kind of all set. To be honest we never really bought things that match. We have a variety of plates and silverware. My son went through a phase when he was 2 and threw away several pieces of silverware and I couldn't find another set to match. I do like the idea of planning for a large item. We moved into our house 3 years ago and our fridge is probably 15 years old and has seen better days. I like the idea of a girls thing. We actually did a spa weekend when I turned 40. You have given me a lot to think about. Thanks!
     

    cedricandsophie

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Apr 8, 2014
    I was 35 when I married my husband after living together 10 years. He has children from his first marriage. We had a small ceremony at our home officiated by a judge, my husbands best friend, we had a small group, about 30 people with close family and friends. One of my step daughters played the wedd8ng march on the piano. Then we had a larger reception, still at our home, after the ceremony and added another 40 people or so for cocktails and a buffet dinner. We only wanted really close friends and family for the ceremony but wanted to celebrate with others for the party part. It worked out well. No shower and no registration. Some people brought gifts although we said no gifts on the Invitation. My girlfriends took me out for a bachelorette party the week before. We have been married 35 years this year. About 12 years ago we had another ceremony in the Catholic Church after both getting annulments from our first marriages. We had a small ceremony at the church for about 40 people, friends and family, and then invited everyone back to the house for drinks, dinner and cake. Again, no gifts.

    For our first wedding I wore a short cream colored dress. And for the church ceremony I wore a long navy blue dress and wrap.
     

    Summer2018

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jun 29, 2017
    I am confused and need some advise. I am 45 and just got engaged to my boyfriend of 10 years. We already have a child and own a home together (cart before the horse). This is the first marriage for both of us. I am trying to decide what to do about the wedding. Since I am in my 40's I feel like we should have to scale things back, like having a small ceremony, not have a bridal shower and not register for gifts.

    Originally I was thinking of having a relatively small wedding that would include parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, first cousins and a few close friends. This would add up to about 70 people for us. Then I got to thinking that I never really speak to my 1st cousins, so do I really need to have them at the wedding? All of our 1st cousins have invited us to their weddings except for one of my cousins who got married for the 2nd time (he still had a big wedding). If I eliminated cousins it would bring the count to about 45.

    I guess what I am asking for opinions on is because of my age and situation, is it odd (could not think of a better word) if I did the traditional things like have a shower and register? Also, should I keep it small and simple (45 guests) or make it more of a family affair? My fiancé is good with anything. Thanks in advance for your input.
    Think about what would make you truly happy, then do that.

    Never mind what anyone else thinks.
     
  • Cannot_Wait_4Disney

    Ok all you A cattle, get in ...
    Joined
    May 18, 2005
    I am confused and need some advise. I am 45 and just got engaged to my boyfriend of 10 years. We already have a child and own a home together (cart before the horse). This is the first marriage for both of us. I am trying to decide what to do about the wedding. Since I am in my 40's I feel like we should have to scale things back, like having a small ceremony, not have a bridal shower and not register for gifts.

    Originally I was thinking of having a relatively small wedding that would include parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, first cousins and a few close friends. This would add up to about 70 people for us. Then I got to thinking that I never really speak to my 1st cousins, so do I really need to have them at the wedding? All of our 1st cousins have invited us to their weddings except for one of my cousins who got married for the 2nd time (he still had a big wedding). If I eliminated cousins it would bring the count to about 45.

    I guess what I am asking for opinions on is because of my age and situation, is it odd (could not think of a better word) if I did the traditional things like have a shower and register? Also, should I keep it small and simple (45 guests) or make it more of a family affair? My fiancé is good with anything. Thanks in advance for your input.
    First of all the bride never throws the bridal shower. So you don't have to worry about that. Either your mother or your friends or some other relative will throw one for you if that is the case.

    Secondly, it's up to you. A church wedding or a small one somewhere. Given that cousins invited you to their wedding, if you do decide to have a big wedding, you probably should invite them. If you just want a small one somewhere with just parents than no. No need to invite them.

    Thirdly, you don't really have to register if you don't want to. But people might contact you and ask anyway. Because well just as it is your choice to invite them, it's their choice of whether to give you a gift. And I think many will.
     

    cmwade77

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 1, 2005
    Do what makes you feel good and what you can afford, seriously, it is your wedding, make it right for the two of you. Don't worry what relatives, parents, friends or anyone else thinks, it is your and your soon to be husband's day, enjoy it.

    I also said do what you can afford, really, don't go into debt over a wedding, its not worth the stress that will cause in your life later on. When my wife and I got married in 2006, we spent under $3,000 and that included a 10 day trip to Disney World for our honeymoon and we had somewhere around 150 people at our reception. And yes, today it will cost more than it did then, but even so, it was doable then, my wife found the dress she had always dreamed of (literally, it was virtually identical to one she had sketched as a kid) for under $400, one of the customers at her work knew someone at a bakery that made an awesome cake for us for around $50, the venue was through our church so it was free and for some of the food we asked certain friends to bring food instead of gifts because we knew that would work better for them and it helped keep our costs down. Yes, these things all take a bit of work, but it is doable.
     

    kimblebee

    now my thoughts will be worth 5 cents
    Joined
    May 28, 2009
    I got married for the second time at 38. My husband was 37 and was his first (and ONLY *shakes fist at him) wedding. We had 14 in attendance (family only) and we were married in my parents sunroom. After, we had an open house reception with 30-35 invited guests. We stated no gifts but a few people still put a little something in their card. We had a full bar and appetizers spread throughout the house. It was perfect for us and I don’t think I would have changed a thing.
     

    amberpi

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jul 13, 2012
    Do what you AND your DF want. Most importantly - congrats.
     
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  • fla4fun

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Nov 12, 2006
    a few years ago my BIL got married for the first time in his early 40's - they eloped. Once they were home and things calmed down, we threw a nice big old party for them - both sides of the family got to meet each other and everyone had a good time.

    If it was me? I'd head off on a destination wedding/honeymoon for 2, and then tell everyone when you got back and/or have a big party after you got back. But I've been married for over 25 years and look at it different. I also agree with others - do what you guys WANT to do and to hell with what anyone else thinks.
    Congrats & enjoy the planning.
    I would agree. I have always felt awkward as the center of attention, especially at a big event, so I always figured if I ever get married I would elope, and than have a casual party afterward when the dust settled. But it’s a very personal decision. Do what the two of you want to do, and include who you want to include. Don’t feel pressured to do more than you are comfortable with, emotionally or financially.
     

    QueenIsabella

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Jan 17, 2016
    Think about what would make you truly happy, then do that.

    Never mind what anyone else thinks.
    This. You don't have to decide today, or even this week. My suggestion: since this was kind of a "bomb" dropped on you, take your time, and spend it looking at various types of weddings. If you're not sure of what you want, you can at least eliminate what you don't want. Really, the only thing that matters is the person standing next to you at the altar--get that right, and everything else is gravy.

    P.S. If someone is gracious enough to want to throw you a shower, talk to them about what you might want for it. If you have no need for the traditional household items, perhaps the host can ask guests to donate canned goods for the local food pantry, or buy books for the local library, or do some other theme that's near and dear to your heart. Watching TV, it can seem like it's almost fashionable to be a bridezilla, but really--you do you.
     

    a1tinkfans

    Spreading Some Pixie Dust Today!
    Joined
    Aug 12, 2006
    Congrats OP
    ... have the type of wedding that you both want.
    People that want to give something, will ... whether there’s a shower that someone throws you or not.

    I suppose I’m more old fashioned but I don’t agree with these monetary wedding “requests” for honeymoons, vacations, or appliances for that matter.
    The wedding can/should be a Celebration of your continued Union.
    Enjoy!
     

    HannaBelle

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Feb 8, 2007
    Congrats OP! You have lots of great responses here, do whatever sounds good to you.

    I was married young, wanted to elope and DH disagreed. We had a church wedding with 150ish people. I could have done without the stress of a wedding to be honest.

    My dear cousin just got married for the 1st time at 47 and she had a very nice ceremony with a fajita buffet, DJ, open bar, dancing and traditional photos. Her daughter was her maid of honor, the only groomsman was the grooms son and their grand son was the ring bearer. It was perfect!
     

    Tribalmom

    Earning My Ears
    Joined
    Oct 11, 2018
    Congrats!!

    And as so many others have said, do what makes you happy! DH & I tied the knot 19 months ago- exactly the way we wanted to. Planned everything ourselves and kept it hush-hush because we didn't want/need anyone else's input. We aren't traditional, neither was our wedding, but every little touch made it more "us". It was a reflection of who we are, and that's what mattered most to us.

    We were married in a skybox suite in an arena just prior to puck drop at a professional hockey game with a small group of 20 guests. Dinner & hockey nachos during the game for our reception, the zamboni was our "limo". No attendants- my daughter, age 5, walked me down the aisle to a medley of Queen & Yes songs. We did have gowns, made to match each other ever so slightly. My bouquet was made of the most beautiful stainless steel roses. There was a caricature artist, mascots in costumes, cotton candy, photos on the ice. We wrote a ceremony of our own, including Star Trek references and a dozen other things no one understood but us (& found an officiant who was happy to run with it). It was also on April Fool's Day- so the donut box in the cocktail hour was full of veggies. And metallic gold dinosaurs.

    There's no right or wrong way. There's your way. Do what you love. No matter what, there will be those who get it & those who don't.

    Oh - if you aren't sure about doing a registry, try an alternative, like SoKind, or something like that. You can include second-hand gifts (we asked for family board games), gifts of time or skill for projects around the house (or babysitting), new stuff, gift cards, donations to charity (or honeymoon fund). We didn't plan a registry, but people asked us if we would, so we did. It worked out well.

    Good luck to you!! And if course, Disney is a fantastic honeymoon....just don't tell our kiddo we went without her
     

    Disney_Alli

    DIS Veteran
    Joined
    Nov 4, 2010
    I got married at 30 (though my husband is a few years younger) and have never, ever wanted a big wedding. We did a small destination wedding with 13 adults in attendance (including us) and two kids (one being my 7 week old nephew - my sister is a major trouper!) and had a lovely vacation with his family for a week before the wedding, with my family for a while after the wedding and then on our own for a week. We'd bought our house a year before and I begged everyone not to get us gifts as our house was already full. My in-laws had a tiny (5 guests including me), lovely shower for me at their insistence with minimal gifts and some yummy cake. The whole thing was everything I wanted it to be and much more about celebrating as a family than some giant wedding.

    Make it what YOU (both of you) want it to be. If you want the giant ballgown, wear a giant ballgown. If you don't, don't. Please don't feel the need to follow arbitrary rules just make it about what means the most the both of you and hang anyone who wants to complain about it.
     

    Keli

    <font color=darkcoral>We're smarter than the avera
    Joined
    Oct 27, 1999
    Don't let anything make this decision for you except the things that you think will be important to you and your husband. What would make your wedding day great? An intimate ceremony/reception? Then do it! A huge blow-the-roof-off party? Then do it! You've probably been to a million wedding showers. Did you enjoy them? Then pick the one you liked best and get your best friend to give you that shower. Hated them all? Then don't have one! Whatever you do just do what brings you and the people you love joy.
     

    emmybee

    Mouseketeer
    Joined
    Feb 11, 2013
    My experience: I was with my husband 10 years, our daughter was 6 when we married. So I was almost 40. 1st marriage for the both of us. Formal marriage wasn't important to me, and I was surprised when my hubby suggested it. So, I didn't want anything to be a big deal. Plus, anything wedding related is very expensive! We decided on having our wedding at SF City Hall because it was beautiful, but affordable. We only had our parents and child with us. We did want a party, but I had no interest in attendants, or gifts, just our close family and friends to join us for a good time. We found a cute senior center that lent us tables and chairs. Our DJ was very helpful, only charging a party fee rather than a wedding fee since there was no need for announcements and first dances, etc. We had a terrific taco guy, my good friend made our cake/cupcakes, and we provided the alcohol and photo booth. Still stressful because I'm not a natural party host, but very much me. It felt appropriate to my life, and was very satisfying.
     

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