How To Deal?

[The Dark Dancer]

I love my boyfriend very, very much.... most of the time. lol.
Just not when his best friend, Travis, is with us.

This all started about last Thursday. Jacob, my boyfriend, was happy that his friend from Jr. High days was coming up. He moved 3 and a half hours away in the 7th grade.

Travis was supposed to come in Sunday and leave Wednesday. Cool. No objections from me. I know Jacob needs some guy time.

Anyway, Thursday of last week rolled around and Travis texts Jacob to tell him that he is coming around 8 or 9. Jacob tells him that he will be home shortly after because he is coming to see me for a little while first. Yay! He knows I won't see him til the next Thursday. I am also invited to dinner at his grandparents house.

Travis texts back that he has decided to come in earlier... say...4 or 5? Jacob says okay and tells me he won't be coming over after all. I'm a little dissapointed...but okay. Then I ask Jacob about dinner at his grandparents.. and he asks if I still want to go, since it will be him and Travis. He kind of acts like he wants some alone time with the guy, so I let him have his space and gracefully decline.

That night, I go to my nephew's basketball game at our school. I text Jacob after dinner and ask if they would like to swing by and watch the game with me. They agree and drive up. Jacob acts the same around me and I try to do the same. I am a very shy person, so being around new people makes me kind of withdraw...but, I held my head high and tried to make conversation with Travis. He thinks it is quite funny to poke fun at the fact that I am stealing his friend from him. I laugh it off and play along. I don't get good vibes from him...but I know he's important to Jacob.. so I grit my teeth and bare it. Many other remarks are made and I just take it all in. He'll be gone by Wednesday.

Boy was I wrong. Now, his plans have changed and he is staying till Saturday. So let's see....he came in 3 days early and is leaving almost 3 days later.

Jacob asks if I'm okay with that, and I say I guess so...but I am a little jealous of Travis getting all of Jacob's attention for all of our Thanksgiving break.

Today, I was invited to go out to eat pizza and go to a movie with Jacob and Travis. Don't know why, but I felt like the 3rd wheel....
First thing Travis says to me:

Hey Sarah! Jacob told me that you were jealous of me. Know what I told his Mama? I told her that you were so jealous of me because I'm getting to sleep with Jacob everyday and you're NOT!

I didn't know what to be more insulted by. His remark...or the fact that Jacob had told him how I felt about him staying. BTW, one reason this was so hurtful was the fact that Jacob and I plan to remain abstinent until marrige. We are both active members in our schools GPA club (Governers Plan on Abstinence.) I'm the VP for crying out loud.

I just laughed...again.. and tried to play it cool. Really making an effort for Jacob.

The rest of the day passes with more small remarks...and Jacob acts mostly normal. He can tell something is bothering me though. I tell him it's nothing and go about my business.

Idk how much more of him I can stand, honestly. But Jacob is loving all his guy time. Travis is like....a new toy!

I cannot wait for Saturday... but wanna hear the real punch-line?

Travis may be moving in with my BF due to some family issues I won't discuss here.



So....This may be a permanent thing.



What in the world am I going to do.


Advice is appreciated VERY much!

-Sarah

 

[DeterminedOne]

Be honest with your BF about how his friend makes you feel. When he asks you what's wrong talk to him about it instead of saying nothing is the matter. Ask your BF not to discuss with his friend what the two of you discuss in private. Ask him matter of fact if you can trust him with your feelings. If he says yes, go with that unless he proves otherwise. If his friend ends up moving in, try not to worry about it. Don't look at his friend as competition to you. He's not. If your BF ends up wanting to spend more time with his friend than you that is very telling. However, sounds to me like he just wants to spend some time with him for now because he hasn't seen him in a while. That's okay as long as it's temporary. Good luck.

 

[disykat]

I think the biggest issues to address with your BF are privacy/trust issues like determined one said, and getting BF to not allow his friend to tease you.

"Stealing his friend?" Good grief. It doesn't sound to me like YOU'RE the one who's jealous. Travis sounds like he's troubled and overcompensating. It's nice that Jacob can be there for him, but he has to be clear that it's not at your expense.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Run.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Do you have other friends to go out with? If you do I would be spending some time with them instead.

Esp. if this guy is going to move in with your BF. Time to expand your friend base and do your own thing.

Probably not what you want to hear but this would be a healthy reaction to what is going on instead of going after the "friend".

 

[MushyMushy]

Do you have other friends to go out with? If you do I would be spending some time with them instead.

Esp. if this guy is going to move in with your BF. Time to expand your friend base and do your own thing.

Probably not what you want to hear but this would be a healthy reaction to what is going on instead of going after the "friend".

I totally agree with this.

Also, I think if Travis is going to be around a whole lot more, the novelty will wear off for Jacob -- so just bide your time. Rather than being seen as the needy, dependent girlfriend, you can be seen as the independent, confident one.

Many years ago, I got caught up in the whole girlfriend vs. guy friends competition and lost big time.

 

[kellyg403]

I totally agree with this.

Also, I think if Travis is going to be around a whole lot more, the novelty will wear off for Jacob -- so just bide your time. Rather than being seen as the needy, dependent girlfriend, you can be seen as the independent, confident one.

Many years ago, I got caught up in the whole girlfriend vs. guy friends competition and lost big time.

Couldn't agree more. Guys have a tendency to have to experience the fact that things have changed. He hasn't seen Jacob since 7th grade, when he moves in with your bf he will realize how much he and Jacob have changed and will come up with his own conclusion. No need to get in the middle. I agree with Mushy, having been there once, I too know you can't win!

Kelly

 

[Camicar]

Are you his first 'real' girlfriend? It sounds like it. Or else, he's realllllly immature.

Either way, you have to teach him how you want to be treated since he doesn't know. By not telling him what is the problem, he can't correct it. Now, if he doesn't want to correct it, it's time to say so long.

If he does want to correct it, you need to tell him that he cannot tell his boyfriend what his girlfriend says about the relationship or the boyfriend. Period. No exceptions when the boyfriend uses that info to torment the girlfriend.

And yes, I did use the term boyfriend. Because if said boy is bragging about sleeping with his male friend, then he IS a boyfriend. If you KWIM.

 

[Disney Doll]

Travis is a bit of a novelty to your BF because he hasn't seen him in a while. That will probably wear off for your BF, but Travis may be a different story.

I'm not quite sure how old you all are, but if that's your picture in your avatar, then you look fairly young (and believe me, when you're 46, you'll LOVE those words! ).

Anyhoo, this is one of those "relationship" things, where you will find out some interesting and IMPORTANT things about your BF. So pay close attention.

The "novelty" of Travis should wear off for your BF, especially if Travis is going to be around a lot more.

Your BF needs to hear that you do not wish to have your private moments discussed with Travis, so that he can broadcast them. If this continues to happen, then you have an issue which would be a deal-breaker for me. Only you can decide if it's a deal-breaker for you.

If you get into a "pi_ _ _ _ _ contest" with Travis, competing with him for your BF's time/attention, chances are you will lose, especially if you are a younger couple. Most young guys do not like to admit that they might be "tied down" to a girl.

I would echo the advice of a PP who said it is time to nurture relationships with other friends. You should be busy, going and doing, with your friends if BF is less available. If BF would rather spend his time with Travis, better to find that out now than before you get all attached to him. Give BF the idea that, with our without him, you have a life.

Travis may be a nice guy who's just a little screwy right now because of whatever "issues" he has going on, or he may be a jerk. The bottom line is that putting your BF in the middle is, effectively, making him "choose"...you may not like his choice.

So build your life. Tell your BF he's welcome into your life, but make sure he knows what is and isn't acceptable for you...with compromise for his needs of course, but there are always things that, from each person's perspective, are non-negotiable.

I made the mistake, years ago when I was in my 20's, of giving up a lot of myself up for a man. It's a bad mistake to make, because the man who really loves you doesn't want you to do that.

Best wishes.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Anyhoo, this is one of those "relationship" things, where you will find out some interesting and IMPORTANT things about your BF. So pay close attention.

Great post DD and I wanted to stress this from your post.

A wise woman will sit back and see what happens. In fact that technique works with friends and relatives.

Talk to your BF once about your expectations and then see what he does, not what he says, big difference.

 

[Disney Doll]

So true, so true, Mystery.

Since that time in my 20's when I "lost" myself for a while, I have often used the "sit back and pay attention" course of action. It has never steered me wrong.

 

[mickeyboat]

You've gotten some great advice, and I won't repeat it. But I do want to tell you that someday you will look back at this time, and all the stress that it caused you, and laugh.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[Allison]

What you are going to do is stop saying something isn't bothering you when it is. Guys aren't that smart. They need you to be direct.

 

[RNMOM]

Yes lots of good advice here. When I was dating DH (soon married 30 years) he called me suddenly asking me out. I had plans with my friends to go out to dinner and a concert. I told him I already had a dinner date...just not who with! He never waited to call me last minute again. He decided I was important enough to plan ahead for.

Honestly, you will be so much happier if you make some plans with a girlfriend to see a movie or get dinner. Even if you just watch a movie at your house with a couple friends or a cousin, keeping yourself busy would really help. It will also show your bf and his friend that you don't NEED to be with bf, you WANT to be with him. There is a big difference in the two.

 

[postesf]

It will also show your bf and his friend that you don't NEED to be with bf, you WANT to be with him. There is a big difference in the two.

Very, Very true. From my own experience, the largest impact on the boyfriend is the difference that you WANT to be with him. Not that you NEED to. Given the two choice, I bet most men would pick the woman that WANTs to be him over the woman that NEEDs to be...

Funny how men can sometimes be needy (even though they are supposed to be all tough), but men don't like it when women are...

Just my opinions anyway...

Good luck!!! I hope it all works out!

 

[GothTink]

Some excellent advice here, OP. Hang in there! (And yes, start answering him honestly, because sometimes boys are just clueless...)

 

[The Dark Dancer]

Thank you all for the great advice! Some sleep calmed my frazzled nerves about the whole thing.

Someone asked how old I am. I'm 17.

DBF is 16, but extremely smart. He is top of our class, I'm #3. He is, for the most part, a very mature guy. But I sometimes can spot the "little boy" in him.


This is why the whole ordeal is such a shock... He has never been one to laugh and carry on while someone pokes fun at me.

We still have till Saturday though... and like the advice says that I have been given, I am going to sit back, and watch what happens with Jacob and Travis. If my guesses are accurate, Travis will be getting on his nerves in the next few days if he keeps on. If Jacob asks what is wrong with me, I will tell him that I don't like some of the jokes and remarks Travis makes to me.

I am invited to eat dinner with them tonight at our local Mexican resteraunt, and I intend to go. I don't want to be pushed out of the picture completely... lol.

But as for today, I am going out with my Mom and older Sister-in-Law. Girls day out!!

Thank you all so much for all the help! I will update if anything happens.


-Sarah

 

[HunnyPots]

Thank you all for the great advice! Some sleep calmed my frazzled nerves about the whole thing.

Someone asked how old I am. I'm 17.

DBF is 16, but extremely smart. He is top of our class, I'm #3. He is, for the most part, a very mature guy. But I sometimes can spot the "little boy" in him.

This is why the whole ordeal is such a shock... He has never been one to laugh and carry on while someone pokes fun at me.

We still have till Saturday though... and like the advice says that I have been given, I am going to sit back, and watch what happens with Jacob and Travis. If my guesses are accurate, Travis will be getting on his nerves in the next few days if he keeps on. If Jacob asks what is wrong with me, I will tell him that I don't like some of the jokes and remarks Travis makes to me.

I am invited to eat dinner with them tonight at our local Mexican resteraunt, and I intend to go. I don't want to be pushed out of the picture completely... lol.

But as for today, I am going out with my Mom and older Sister-in-Law. Girls day out!!

Thank you all so much for all the help! I will update if anything happens.


-Sarah

OK I just have to comment on this. If he is only 16, there's still a LOT of little boy left in him! I know you think you are both very mature but believe me, you aren't. Its just not possible. But that's ok - be kids while you can! Let your boyfriend have time with his friend and you go out and have some fun without him. Trust me, this is not the big deal it seems right now...

 

[Michelle67]

After reading the whole thread and seeing how old you are, the situation makes a lot more sense. That is not intended as an insult or to belittle your feelings at all, so please don't take it that way. What I am saying is just that you are at a time in your life where you (all of you) are learning how to deal with changing dynamics in relationships as friendships are impacted by romantic interests. It can be very difficult and painful for everyone. You will never NOT have to work at a relationship, and relationships are worth working for...but right now it is especially hard because everyone is learning how to do it.

I do encourage you to be open and honest with him about how you feel, and to try to do so without whining or taking shots at his friend(s). I would also definitely let him know (because remember, he is learning as you are) that it is not okay to tattle back and forth when there is some tension between you and the friend. If he wants you to be honest with your feelings, then he needs to respect them and not basically throw them back in your face by telling the friend who then uses them to snipe at you. Maybe making an actual agreement that both of you will trust one another and do your best to earn one another's trust as well will help. I found that worked wonders for me years ago in a young relationship.

Best wishes with the situation. I hope you are all able to work things out so that nobody has to choose between people that they care about. And Travis will grow up one of these days too.

 

[okeydokey]

The thing you are doing that is totally correct is making it clear that you expect respectful treatment from your boyfriend AND his friends. It is never too young to stand up and teach others how you expect to be treated. Good job.