How to deal with "troubling" child(neighbor)sorry-long

[KristiKelly]

Let me apologize in advance, I'm sorry for this being soo... long. Now, where to begin? There is a boy (I'll call John) in our neighborhood and same grade (not class) as DS. We didn't meet John until this fall when DS started riding the bus (which I have since taken him off), the first day DS said that John slammed him against the window - playfully. One day John came by and DS & Dad were @ Indian Guides meeting, John balled up his fist and said quite hostile "I hate it when my friends aren't home". He came over another day and started crying when he found out DS wasn't home (he's 7 years old).

One day he came over and we were leaving to go have pictures made & sent him home, as we were driving up the road, John was in the road (the middle of the road) with his pants & underwear down to his ankles, just standing there. I asked him what he was doing and he said "nothing", I asked him if he needed to go to the bathroom and he said "no", I asked him why his pants were down and he replied "they fell down" yep, unsnapped & unzipped themselves & fell down. I told him to fix his pants and go home.

He has chosen DS as his ONLY friend and will even go to other kids houses where DS is playing to get him to leave.

A month or so ago, he was at our house and he, DS and some older kids were having a snowball fight. These older boys are brothers and are really good with the younger kids in the neighborhood, John started to through big chunks of ice at them & tackle them (I saw the whole thing through the window, but didn't intervene). Finally the older boys got tired of it and started to play rough back, he started to cry and wanted to come in the house. I told him if he couldn't play with the others that he needed to go home to get warm, then I had to go check on DD in the kitchen, I turned around and John was playing with DS XBOX and broke a game. DH then sent him home in tears.

DS says that he know that he throws tantrums in the classroom and I've heard this from a parent from John's class as well.

Now, today I went & had lunch w/ DS and John was eating lunch all alone at a table. I asked DS if he alway eats alone and he said "yes, most of the time."

We have spoken with his mother a couple of times and tried to tell her that we don't know how to deal with him when he "acts up" and she tells us nothing. We know that his dad lives in another state and John lives with mom & Grd'parents, at first we thought maybe he was just spoiled but the more we're around him the more I think there's something more. To be honest, I don't like DS playing with him because sometimes I think DS starts to act like him, thinking he can throw tantrums to get his way, DS says he does that @ home too. BUT, if there is something wrong with him I want DS to help him, I have to think how I would want someone to treat my child. There have been many more incidents with John, DS & other boys in the neighborhood, but he seems now to only want to play with DS and acts somewhat possessive of him.

Have any of you ever come in contact with a child like this and how did you handle the situation? Also, mom & g'parents will allow him to come over anytime he wants, I told DH that I don't want to have to deal with John all summer. HELP!!! What should I do??? Again, I apologize for being soo... long. Thanks for reading

 

[Kimberle]

Wow! I think I'd just steer clear of this child.

He sound like he needs some counseling. Poor child.

 

[tiggersmom2]

I did encounter a child like this in our neighborhood once. He threw many a tantrum at our house and I always spoke with his parents. None of this helped, one day he threw down one of my son's favorite models and broke it. That was IT!!! I realized that this child was emotionally disturbed and could potentially hurt my child. I immediately called his parent's to come get him and let them know in no uncertain terms that he was no longer a suitable playmate. Was it harsh? Yes, but my child's well-being (emotional and physical) was more important to me than helping this troubled child.

 

[Lynda Silk]

what about talking to John's teacher and/or principal and see if they can help out in any way. It does sound like he's in desperate need of counselling and maybe the school authorities can make appropriate arrangements for John to see a psychologist or counsellor. Your child is obviously affected by this relationship so it's not only a matter of helping John but helping your son as well.

Good luck! I know how hard it is to deal with problems that have to do with your children's friends. It's very tough dealing with these.

 

[Mimi Q]

You said you want your son to help him if he is troubled. I don't think a 7 year old can really help him. I would keep my child away from him.

 

[Keggy]

I think it is easier to say "steer away" than actually doing it. Especially when the child shows up everywhere.

You said you have already approached the mother and talked to her - did that work at all? It doesn't sound like it.

Do you think approaching the guidance office at school would help? Maybe arrange a meeting with one of them and see if they have any advice to offer to you.

I definitely wouldn't want to have to deal with him all summer. But my heart reaches out to a child who is sitting all alone at lunch. I definitely feel like someone at the school should be doing something to help this child.


Good Luck,
Kelly

 

[Sandy V.]

"BUT, if there is something wrong with him I want DS to help him . . ."

Why?? I fail to see any obligation you have to this child. It is a sad situation, though, and that tears me to a degree.

If this boy is 7, I am assuming your son is 7 or 8 himself. That is FAR too young an age to place the burden of "helping" such an obviously disturbed child. You run the risk of your own kid getting hurt from one of these outbursts.

Your loyalties are to your own child first. I agree with the above posters about steering clear of this child as much as practicable and talking to school authorities so they can intervene.

Good luck, and I hope the boy DOES get some assistance.

 

[4greatboys]

I wouldnt let the boy come to your house anymore or your ds. Sounds like he has major problems, not just being spoiled. I would be way to worried about about my kids around him.
There was a boy that lived one street over from my grandmother. She used to watch my 2 oldest when I worked. This boy we soon found out had some major behavior problems, he was destructive, mean to animals, and mean to people. Once we discover he was like this--and it didnt take long--we told him the boys could not play.
I understand you want to help the boy but it sounds like he needs professional help.

 

[Disney Doll]

First I would say bless you for your obvious good heart in wanting to help this boy if he is troubled, which it certainly sounds like he is.

You will need to contact some authority about this situation. I would probably start with the school guidance office. Perhaps they can do some sort of professional evaluation on John, which might begin to sort out the scope of his problems...and he does sound like he has problems!!!!! Poor child.

That being said, I don't think oyur child should be alone too much with John. He sounds as if he could have some dangerous tendencies, and, sad case or not, your first allegiance needs to be to your own child.

It's a very fine line you walk here, so be careful.

 

[Tinkerbelle739]

We have a child in our neighborhood exactly like the one you describe. The only difference is my DD(6) is NOT allowed to socialize with her. They are on the same bus. This "other girl"(6) spit twice on DD and DS (5). She was suspended from the bus for one day after the first episode and for a week after the second incident. BELIEVE me, I felt horrible calling the school and reporting her, she is only 6!!! I know from other parents that the girls parents are young and have questionable behavior, but it is not my responsibility to help this girl. My job is to keep MY kids safe.

I would NOT let "John" play with my child anymore. It may be hard to tell him that he can no longer play at your house, but it would be harder to explain to your child why "John" hurt him or his other friends. Hopefully, "John" and the girl in my neighborhood will grow out of this behavior but if they dont, we dont want our kids playing with them and joining in their "bad" behavior.

Wishing everyone a "magical" day!

 

[Allie322]

My best friend is the parent of a 10 year old boy with many of the same problems and issues you describe in "John". Her son has multiple diagnoses, both physical(diabetes, thyroid, respiratory) and mental. My friend and her husband live a very difficult life because of him and his problems. They are the pariahs of the neighborhood because no one wants their child anywhere near him. Mental illness is a horrible disease. My friend always says that if, God forbid, he had cancer, everyone would rally around her family. But because he suffers from mental illness, they are shunned. It is a very sad situation.

I understand that as parents our first priority is to protect our children but I wonder sometimes if we all could learn to be more tolerant and empathetic, rather than just to patently say Stay Away. I do not want to get flamed for this, it is just my opinion.

 

[Hillbeans]

I agree with the other posters. My DS is only 3, however I can see some very aggressive, troubled little ones at his daycare. I even had to fill out a form stating that if my (any) child acts up X number of times, they can be released from the Daycare.

The OP describing the 7 yo in the street with pants down sounds like a cry for help. I know it's not your duty to do it, however I think if you are capable of helping and the mom agrees, try and do what you can to help. Sometimes all another parent needs is some support from another person to make it "click" in their head their child has a problem.

 

[DoeWDW]

We had a kid like this become buddies with our DS. DS is a very kind soul who likes to help kids who have trouble fitting in. He really wanted to help this boy by being a friend to him.

However, we noticed this boy's aggressive and violent behavior and it worried us. We did some checking around and found out that he was mentally ill and undergoing counselling. We were also told by a couple professionals that he should NEVER be left alone with our children. We also did not let him in our home on their advice because they told us he could be VERY strong when agitated and we might have a hard time (even as adults) controlling him physically.

There was an incident at day care where this boy got angry and was chasing my DD. My DS intervened and got the boy to focus on him instead. This boy tried to physically hit DS but DS is a black belt in karate and just blocked the punches. I was very proud of him for not hurting this kid. I also was worried for the other children who did NOT have martial arts training and the good sense to only defend themselves.

Please follow your heart on this one. I would not leave this child alone with your child.

 

[Lewski709]

Why?? I fail to see any obligation you have to this child. It is a sad situation, though, and that tears me to a degree.

I think KristiKelly feels compassionate, that's why she wants to help. I can understand it. No obligation. It's just troubling to see a child like that, ya know?

As far as everyone steering clear, I NEVER like to see a child alone, but your son can't help other than being his friend at school, which will happen or it won't.

I agree, he needs help. The help you can't give. The mother living with Grandparents sounds like an issue itself. The father not being there, the boy is probably longing for a male figure in his life. The running around in the alley and such, sounds like the mother isn't around much or if she is, just doens't care, lack of discipline. He doesn't know how to act or even worse could have some medical issues. This is really tough. Sounds like cries for attention though, not a result of being spoiled.

 

[Octoberbride03]

I think you're right to be concerned, but your son can't help John. I think you should talk to his mother about having him evaluated by a team of medical professionals. There could be many reasons for his behavior. Some are psychological, some are neuroligical. I'm not a behavior specialist, but i worked in a program that did accept children with similar behaviors as John. If talking to his mother doesn't help, then you need to talk to the school, or Children's Services in your area.
In the meantime, if you choose to allow your son to continue playing with him, then there needs to be an Adult supervising their play.
I wish you luck with whatever you decide.

 

[KristiKelly]

Thanks everyone for the response. We really are in a tough situation, we live in a small neighborhood w/ block parties, etc. I agree with many of you when you say Steer clear, but at the same time I have to ask myself, how would I want my child to be treated, if it were him. I do feel there's more to him than we know.

There have been days that DS hasn't wanted to play with him and he'd ring the front doorbell, I told DS to just not answer it, he continued to ring it about 30 times non-stop, then would go look through the garage and then look through our deck/kitchen door. Sometimes I feel as though we're being stalked. Another time, I was alone in the house doing laundry and heard someone downstairs, I looked & guess who? I told him that he shouldn't just walk into someone's house without knocking. He said "I did knock, but nobody came to the door." I then told him that he doesn't just walk into someone's house- Unless he is asked to come in and sent him home. I'm not "mean" to him, but I don't "baby" him either.

I do think that I'm going to first talk with DS teacher and see where I should start. DH says he reminds him of a kid who might grow up to be a "Columbine kid" - very scary!!!

Thanks again, keep the advice & moral support coming!

 

[Pete's Mom]

Wow! All I can say is this thread makes me very sad.

I feel very sorry for this child. Obviously he definitely has some issues. Yes, you can steer clear of the child and do nothing just as it appears everyone else has in his life which is how he arrived at this point now. Chances are he will only get worse. Poor child. I imagine he feels quite alone in this world. Eating lunch by himself, not having anyone to play with it's no wonder he clings to your son who is probably the only chance for a friend that he has. I agree with Lewski709 who said that it sounds like cries for attention and not a result of being spoiled.

I am in a similiar situtation with by BF's son who is the same age as Pete and John. He is quite challenge to say the least, but this comes from being spoiled. He is constantly in trouble at school and tends to bully my son. This has put me in a difficult situation more than once. In the beginning I was nice and friendly and tried to overlook it hoping his father would intervene. Never happened. Then I started putting my foot down, especially whenever we are all in my home. I have explained the rules to him and told him the consequences if he breaks them and I nip any bad behavior in the bud ("time for you to go home, etc.") It's been almost two years now and it has made a huge difference, he treats both my son and I with respect and listens when I tell him to do something. He does however, continue to be a discipline problem with his dad (who has custody) and at school. It has to be a team effort is all I can say about that.

I suggest you give John a chance. Talk to your son about it and see how he feels about being his friend. Sit down and tell John the rules and how he is to behave when he is at your home or with your son. Tell him if he does not listen, he will have to leave and if he acts up, call him on it. Also, please please please take the time to explain the difference between right and wrong to John. You would be amazed at how many kids have no idea because they have never been taught.

Good luck to you either way KristiKelly. You sound like a good mom with a warm heart.

 

[ripleysmom]

Talking to the school probably will not help. The school has probably already approached this boy's mother about testing. If he is receiving services then the teacher would be violating federal law to discuss it. If the child is not receiving services that would mean that the child's mother is probably not responsive to their suggestions.

I honestly would have called CPS the moment that I found the boy in the street with his pants down. This child sounds as though he is profoundly disturbed and as such his mother should be seeking medical care for him. CPS can require that the boy's mother do this whether she wants to or not.

One other thing that has not been suggested but perhaps should be tried is to call the School District's Social Worker if you have one. They may be able to step in and involve CPS if it's necessary.

 

[robsmom]

I agree one hundred percent that your child is your number one priority - now and always. But anyone child should be all of our second priority. How many times do you read a news story about an abused child and think "how could people not now". I live in NJ and the story of the 4 boys starved by their parents is a great example, people knew something wasn't right but didn't step in. I am not saying that this child is abused, but there is clearly something wrong with him. Talk to the mother open and honestly, talk to the grandparents, talk to guidance counselors. Keep talking until someone does something. These are the people that can get him help. Then, make sure that your kids are never alone with him, but use this as an example to teach your kids compassion. 7 year olds don't become "bad kids" on their own. There has to be a reason.

 

[dianeschlicht]

Talk to the mother open and honestly, talk to the grandparents, talk to guidance counselors. Keep talking until someone does something. These are the people that can get him help. Then, make sure that your kids are never alone with him, but use this as an example to teach your kids compassion. 7 year olds don't become "bad kids" on their own. There has to be a reason.

After reading this thread, I could not say it any better than that! This child needs help, and helping while protecting your own child is the goal here.