How to deal with Prescription Drug Addicts

[bethy]

if she were addicted to heroin or crack would you still let her into your house and your life?
probably not.
just because the drugs she is (currently) addicted to are "prescription" does not make her any less of an addict.
i find it very frustrating that many people still try to make this distinction (prescription vs "real" drugs)

this situation IS ALREADY affecting you and your family (parents etc...) and it will get much worse before it gets better
such is the nature of addiction + families

Yes, this is what our extended family has discussed, too. For NOW her addiciton to prescription drugs seems to be mostly fed by going around to different doctors and to the ER a lot. And yes by stealing my parents' drugs. (However, she doesn't seem to have a social life or any other extended family so I don't see how she would have gotten access to many other peoples' drugs - at least not recently). Who knows though, there could be a WHOLE lot more going on than I realize from this distance. At this rate nothing would surprise me.

"Illegal" drugs are inherently illegal no matter how you get them and they can only be obtained from dangerous sources, etc. PLUS they are super expensive (as opposed to alcohol or a copay on a prescription). Also, once you go down that road there is no limit to how much you can take and to the resulting consequences. So for me personally, if I ever find out she has gone down that road I will shut her almost completely out but for maybe meeting at a restaurant once per year.

Don't worry I will never leave her alone with my children and I also won't be allowing my children to develop a close relationship with her like I have for other aunts in their lives.

Still though, I hope to be able to still see my brother if at all possible.

To the poster who recommended I be a cold fish - that is the way I've been with her since I met her. It drives her crazy and she whined about it to my brother and to my parents about it from almost day one. Long before I knew about the drugs my instincts pinged - she seemed very manipulative and told a lot of white lies and things just didn't add up. At first I felt a little badly for being so "judgemental" up front. But I figured that she seemed nice enough that she could possibly earn my trust over time - but that I would start out with caution.

Now since her problems have come to light I understand why it bugged her so much that I didnt' seem to want to be close friends with her. It's because she can't manipulate me if she doesn't have a relationship with me. She has no control or leverage with me and she figured that out right away.

Is it at all possible that there are addicts out there who don't progressively get worse but just sort of limp along through life? I know she abuses a ton of over the counter drugs, etc. For example she apparently takes a ton of Advil and Excedrin each day. I keep thinking that there must be a continuum here - that it's at least possible that she won't become a junkie who robs convenience stores and lives on the street.

I will never forgive my brother if he CHOOSES to have a child with this woman while she is a user and subject a child (my niece or nephew) to this.

Finally, I know that this will never be as simple as locking up my meds and cash - it will not be easy peasy. It's already taken a devastating toll on my parents and thus on me.

 

[RitaE]

Yes, there are many people who maintain a lifestyle of what is known as functional addiction.

 

[Shmily1]

Bethy, you seem to be going into this with your eyes wide open, knowing where you all stand and what to expect of the outcomes. I think in your case, doing your research was a great investment in time and you will be more likely to protect your family than most. It will not be easy peasy, as you have stated, and the heartache you feel for your parents probably won't be the last time she hurts (I don't mean physical) someone in your family. Your instincts are correct. I would suggest you Keep with the plan you have and stand firm.

 

[girli565]

Act like you did before you met her with a few changes (when she's around), lock up your prescription drugs in a lock box or in a closet that has a key, hide very valuable items and cash (she may be desparate enough to steal them), and make sure, because you don't want your children around her, that they are not there when you meet with your brother and his fiance.

If she's a danger to be around (which it doesn't sound like it yet, but it could get a lot worse) than just don't interact with your brother or her anymore. If your brother sees that he's losing his family due to her behavior he may decide the relationship isn't worth it. But that's his decison and you can't force his hand.

 

[bethy]

Act like you did before you met her with a few changes (when she's around), lock up your prescription drugs in a lock box or in a closet that has a key, hide very valuable items and cash (she may be desparate enough to steal them), and make sure, because you don't want your children around her, that they are not there when you meet with your brother and his fiance.

If she's a danger to be around (which it doesn't sound like it yet, but it could get a lot worse) than just don't interact with your brother or her anymore. If your brother sees that he's losing his family due to her behavior he may decide the relationship isn't worth it. But that's his decison and you can't force his hand.

About the children, at this point I don't feel like I need to keep them away from her entirely. I don't think she's a danger to them simply by being in the same room as them. Am I wrong in this? Is there something I'm not thinking of? That's one of the reasons I posted and asked for help b/c I want to make sure I'm doing right by my children.

 

[girli565]

It's up to your discretion, they're your children so you know how to handle that situation. But I will say that children are much more observant than you'd think. Are they old enough to understand the situation? If they start asking questions than I'd be honest with them. If shes acting erratic or off in some way they'll notice.

 

[clutter]

For those that say lock up the drugs, be warned that a lockbox may not be a barrier. I was recently suprised to go into mine to get some cash and discover over 2 dozen percocets from a recent surgery were gone. Cash was there, but the drugs were gone. (If the thief had taken the bottle, I might have thought I'd forgotten to lock it up. But they left the empty bottle right there.) The thief had managed to get the part of the lock that turns loose, without any evidence that it had been tampered with. Of course, if they couldn't have opened it, they could have just walked off with it. The point being that if someone was used to stealing drugs, a lock might not deter them. They've been doing it long enough, they'll be pretty skilled at breaking in.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Op, are you sure your brother isn't using these drug also? I know people use poor judgement especially in relationships but, why would he be willing to overlook her drug abuse?

 

[Tistal]

This. My dad got in a car with his seemingly friendly drug addict nephew. Who started hitting him while he was driving and threatening him with a screwdriver. My dad ended up tricking him out of the car and left him. Nephew was able to hitchhike home.

Not just that; in some states if you are in the car with someone who has drugs and the police pull the car over and search it BOTH parties get charged with possession.

 

[disneysteve]

Lock up all your small jewelry, drugs, purses and cash when she is around. If you have two bathrooms, lock up the master bedroom and bathroom with any small and easily pawned for drugs. Also lock up kids handheld games and ipods.

Seriously? There is no way I am letting someone into my house if doing so requires me to collect all of the valuables and lock them up first.

I would sit down with your brother and tell him that you love him and want to continue to have a relationship, that he is welcome to visit any time, but that this woman is not permitted in your home. You will be happy to meet them at a restaurant for dinner or visit them at their home, but your home is off limits.

Op, are you sure your brother isn't using these drug also? I know people use poor judgement especially in relationships but, why would he be willing to overlook her drug abuse?

This too.

 

[bethy]

I have wondered the same about my brother and have braced myself for the very real possibility that he could have a problem, too. He's been through a lot in his life and is also a "rescuer" by nature and so for many reasons I can also imagine a scenario where he is not a user but instead is simply in denial. I sense some issues of co-dependence in their relationship. And heck - she's his first love. Love is blind sometimes.

While I heartily agree that it is a major inconvenience and imposition to have to lock up my stuff I am willing to do it once in a while if it means the difference between having a relationship with my brother or not. We are a family who always gathers in each others' homes. Especially since when we gather someone is always having to travel from out of town. So our visits are longer than a meal. Plus we have numerous small children who do not do well for long sittings in restaurants. So to ban my brother and his fiance completely from my home is a very last resort.

 

[disneysteve]

While I heartily agree that it is a major inconvenience and imposition to have to lock up my stuff I am willing to do it once in a while if it means the difference between having a relationship with my brother or not. We are a family who always gathers in each others' homes. Especially since when we gather someone is always having to travel from out of town. So our visits are longer than a meal. Plus we have numerous small children who do not do well for long sittings in restaurants. So to ban my brother and his fiance completely from my home is a very last resort.

Do you understand that drug addicts will steal everything and anything of any value? If you lock up the iPods, they'll steal jewelry. Lock up the jewelry, they'll steal the spare change on your dresser. Clear off the dresser and they'll steal the silverware in the dining room buffet. Lock up the silverware and they'll steal tools out of the garage.

I don't know about anyone else, but we have "valuables" in every room of our house from our kid's room to the living room to the kitchen to the basement. I'll stand by my earlier post. I'm not letting someone into my house who I know to be a thief and a drug addict. You can't make this woman change and you can't stop your brother from enabling her, but there is no reason that you need to become a participant in the process.

For the record, my brother was a drug addict for many years before he OD'ed so I know all about what it is like to live with an addict in the family.

 

[saffsmom]

i'm sorry but under no circumstances would i voluntarily and knowingly allow my children to be exposed to someone who is ON drugs let alone addicted to drugs.

 

[Pilotdog]

Don't bet that she gets all her drugs from doctors. My coworker's wife is an addict and if she can't get pills from the doctor she gets them on the street. He is happy when the doctors give her pills because he worries about her going out at night to get them, I know crazy. She makes him feel guilty if he complains because doesn't he care if she is in pain? She has also spent all their money on drugs and now their house is in forecloser. Of course it is not her fault! She tells him it is his fault because he does not make enough money! She is always "sick" and he has to stay home and take care of her. Our bosses are really getting fed up but he has to prove to her that he loves her. This might be what your brother is going through. I can't seem to get my friend to understand that a drug addict only cares about getting drugs, they do not care about their families or anyone else.

 

[bethy]

I have tried really hard to accelerate my learning about this topic. But the idea of getting drugs "on the street" is still so very hard to wrap my mind around. I mean I literally can't figure out where one would get into their car and actually drive to to find someone to sell them pills.

But obviously people do it. Thanks for the warning.

As for stealing all sorts of items, I'm having a hard time internalizing that, too. But that's because I'm trying to envision where these people would take these things to sell them. And THEN I recalled the obvious: Craigslist and Ebay - duh!

Well, I'd rather take the chance and lose an Ipod and still have reached out to my brother first. For me it's worth the risk. And it's at least slightly possible that nothing would happen. We do have a few various meds but we have a big heavy safe with a combination lock we can put those in. Same with the important documents and the jewelry.

 

[disneysteve]

I have tried really hard to accelerate my learning about this topic. But the idea of getting drugs "on the street" is still so very hard to wrap my mind around. I mean I literally can't figure out where one would get into their car and actually drive to to find someone to sell them pills.

But obviously people do it. Thanks for the warning.

This is far, far more common than you realize. Also, getting drugs "on the street" doesn't just literally mean buying them on a dark corner or down some alley. It could also refer to buying them from friends and family members who obtain them fraudulently from their doctors, or even got them legitimately but didn't finish the prescription. We have narcotics in our house that are left over from my daughter's wisdom teeth surgery or my wife's gallbladder surgery or hysterectomy.

People swap, sell and trade their pill all the time. Teens have "rainbow" parties where every kid steals some pills from home, comes to the party and dumps what they have into a big bowl. Then they mix it all up and the kids all take some of the pills.

Even drug addicts may sell pills, not just buy them. Maybe their doctor prescribed Percocet 4 times a day. They take 3 a day themselves and that leaves them 30 extra/month to sell. With Percocet selling for up to $10/mg, that's $50/pill for a 5mg tablet. That's $1,500 for those 30 extra pills. If that same person sees 2 or 3 or 4 different doctors every month, they could make thousands of dollars each month selling those "extra" pills.

As for stealing all sorts of items, I'm having a hard time internalizing that, too. But that's because I'm trying to envision where these people would take these things to sell them. And THEN I recalled the obvious: Craigslist and Ebay - duh!

There isn't always even a sale involved. You forgot about bartering. "Hey, I'll give you this watch for two OxyContins."

You mentioned earlier that your brother could be in denial. Make sure that you aren't there along with him.

 

[Shmily1]

Don't bet that she gets all her drugs from doctors. My coworker's wife is an addict and if she can't get pills from the doctor she gets them on the street. He is happy when the doctors give her pills because he worries about her going out at night to get them, I know crazy. She makes him feel guilty if he complains because doesn't he care if she is in pain? She has also spent all their money on drugs and now their house is in forecloser. Of course it is not her fault! She tells him it is his fault because he does not make enough money! She is always "sick" and he has to stay home and take care of her. Our bosses are really getting fed up but he has to prove to her that he loves her. This might be what your brother is going through. I can't seem to get my friend to understand that a drug addict only cares about getting drugs, they do not care about their families or anyone else.

I have a coworker who's husband is doing this same thing. He takes so many that he runs out during the month and has to go buy more. He also goes to two doctors to get them and still runs out. He has no money, makes more than her, and has never even helped her pay the household bills. She's put in for divorce (three years in the making.) and is seeing a therapist. The therapist told her last week that love is need for addicts. She asked if he thought her DH loved the pills and the doctor said absolutely-enough that he's willing to give up her and their DD to keep the pills.

 

[Ephany]

Addicts care for nothing but themselves and their fix. Addiction is a major issue in my extended family and I see it daily. I know too many who doctor shop or buy/trade with their friends and family. Others call the police monthly to report their prescription drugs stolen, (if they file a police report, some doctors are more likely to refill the 'missing' prescription). There are many, many functioning addicts and honestly, most of the time it's not obvious until they reach a certain level. Lots of people don't really consider it a problem because the drugs are legal with a prescription.

Thankfully, some states are becoming more aware and proactive about how incredibly big this problem is and are taking steps to help identify the patients and doctors who enable. Pain clinics are a huge problem in our area; it's scary how they pop out of nowhere and how quickly word gets around. Go in, pay your money for the prescription and then you just have to find one place that'll fill it and someone can make $$$.

Good luck OP. I'm mean and would only meet them away from my home. I've seen too many times where people scoped out their friend's/neighbor's/relatives homes and security. I'm not willing to expose my daughter to all that drama so I keep it far away.

 

[quietgirll]

As someone who works in a pharmacy, I see these people every day. It's sad to see someone who is willing to tell the most off the wall lies to try and get something they "need". I agree, don't kid yourself that just because it is "prescription" it is anything better than illegal drugs. It is often worse, cause it is more widely accepted, and somebody can be too far gone before anybody realizes. After all, Oxycontin is often referred to as Hillbilly Heroin. And when I say I see these people everyday, its not only people you would expect to be drug addicts. Its mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, church members, preachers, preachers wives, politicians...it can affect anyone, some are just better at being functioning addicts than others.
As to what I would do- I completely understand you don't want to cut your brother out of your life. However, you have to think about your children, your husband, your mom, your dad...everyone else in your family that is going to come into contact with her. There are not only the issues of theft, but also the drama that comes from addicts. You've already seen it from her being upset you didn't want to be friends with her. Its always all about the addict, and they pull everyone into their circle and then pull them down. The more you are able to distance yourself from that, the better off you are going to be.
Your brother is very able to make his own decisions, and he has every right to do so. By the same token, you have to make decisions based off what he chooses to do, and what he chooses to have as status quo in his life. Do you want the life of a drug addict to be status quo in your life??

 

[dvcgirl]

Don't bet that she gets all her drugs from doctors. My coworker's wife is an addict and if she can't get pills from the doctor she gets them on the street. .

This is very true. Unfortunately, we've dealt with this on my DH's side of the family....with his nephew. Incredibly bright kid. This kid was not a partier until he went to Rutgers. He was a quiet, kind of nerdy kid majoring in mechanical engineering. He joined a fraternity, which we all thought was a good thing to kid of bring him out of his shell. Near the end of his second year of school he was exposed to pills at a party. He started with percocet...and that quickly escalated to oxycontin. His mother didn't have any idea until about a year later, and he was lying then and saying it was just an occasional percocet. His grades were tanking and he had racked up thousands in CC debt. By his third year we were told that he'd need five years to finish school (we still had no idea this was going on). But we were paying for the majority of his college education. His enabling mother didn't think we needed to know apparently.

In the beginning of year four it all fell apart. He dropped out and was majorly addicted to oxycontin. He told us that he was taking five 30 mg tablets a day and that each pill cost $25. I think both of those numbers were lies. I think he was taking more and that they cost more. Never once did he get this stuff from a doctor.....he was buying it from dealers.

Then the stealing started. He stole from his mother, stole his sister's ATM card and cleaned out her checking account. He sold his car that was purchased by his grandparents. And he stole his fathers guitar and pawned it.

When money got really tight for him, he switched to heroin because it was cheaper.

Two stints in rehab....one paid for by us, and he's still not doing all that great.

He's 26, a college drop-out, living with his mother and hasn't worked in several years. He's supposedly going to meetings. We don't have much contact with that portion of the family at this point. We've realized that there's nothing we can do to help him. He's got to want to help himself. It's been a painful and expensive learning experience on our part. Thankfully we could afford it. I know other families that have gone into massive debt trying to help family members.

I can't even tell you how it's ripped DH's family apart. There's so much more to it......how this kid and his sister (she's a mess too) ended up like this. My husband's brother is an alcoholic, but nobody talks about it. His former wife was totally codependent and still is with her children now. My husband's parents can't see their son (DH's brother) for who he is. It's such a mess....

Here's how we deal with it. None of them, my BIL, former SIL, or niece/nephew are ever invited to my house. It's my house....I'm not hiding my checkbook or valuables in my own home. When we do see them, it's on neutral turf, like my husbands parents home. But even that is increasingly rare because there's always drama.

I wish you luck....I really do. Listen to others here. Keep it out of your home. I hate to say it, but if you have to choose between your kids and your brother....your kids have to come first.