How to deal with Prescription Drug Addicts

[bethy]

***I apologize! I meant to post this on the Community Board! I hang out often on the Budget Board.

Mods would you mind moving this? I am so sorry!***

I need advice. My brother has gotten himself engaged to a woman who has a problem with prescription drugs. We know this because she has stolen prescriptions drugs at least twice that we know of from our parents while staying as a guest in their home.

This is something that our family has never had to deal with before. We were completely blindsided. My brother has apparently known about her "pain and judgement issues" as she calls them, for awhile and has decided that she is a lovely enough woman that he is willing to live with it. She has been through rehab at least once in her past that he knows of.

Soooo . . . . I have spent at least 40 hours online researching drug addiciton since then. I have accepted that there is absolutely nothing I can do to get her to change and make better choices. Nor can I live my brother's life for him. My question is what do I need to do moving forward to protect my family? I love my brother and would like to maintain a relationship with him if at all possible even though he is clearly enabling her. I'd also like to be here for him if/when things fall apart in the future.

But I have a loving husband, 3 beautiful children, and - dare I say it - a really great life that I don't want her to touch. I don't want us dragged into the mire with her. She has a lot of other unfortunate baggage, too. I don't envy her and I feel sorry for her but I need to protect my immediate family. Luckily they live 3 hours away and so typically we only see them 2-3 times per year for short visits anyway.

Can any of you who have been there, done that please advise me as to what sort of boundaries I should establish. If worst comes to worst I will cut off all contact but I'd like to at least *try* to maintain some type of relationship. I am one of those empathetic folks who likes to help and rescue people. I tend to feel guilty about stuff. According to my reseach people with personality types like mine are often easy targets for people driven by addiction.

Thanks for any advice you can give.

 

[RitaE]

Lock up your drugs when she is around and stay out of it unless your Brother asks you for advice. Your brother knows of the issue and it is his choice to maintain the relationship. You have no right to force a "rescue" on somebody so far removed from you who isn't asking for your assistance.

You anticipate seeing her 3 times a year. I don't see how this will effect your children at all.

 

[prncess674]

Dont try to be the saver of all. Lock up all your small jewelry, drugs, purses and cash when she is around. If you have two bathrooms, lock up the master bedroom and bathroom with any small and easily pawned for drugs. Also lock up kids handheld games and ipods. If asked why the back is locked up just say that the back bedroom is a mess and you didn't want to expose it to company. Easy peasy.

If you really feel uncomfortable around this person, then agree to only meet them at a neutral place such as a restaurant. Paying for a meal is a small price to pay for security.

 

[bethy]

Yes, I totally agree that "rescuing" someone is presumptious and not realistic anyway. I have fortunately moved past trying to do that in my life. I guess what I meant by that was that when someone does come to me with trouble - whether it is the core issue or a symptom, like needing money - I am always tempted to step in and do whatever I can to help - even if it doesn't really help in the long run.

Part of me does think that it will be as simple as locking up drugs. Well, I'd have to include cash, credit cards, electronics and valuable jewelry in that list. I really do hope that it is just that simple.

But I keep reading these HORROR stories on site after site. Also, since we were so blindsided by her stealing from our parents and also by her venomous response when confronted by my parents about it I am worried about being blindsided again. You know the saying: "Fool me once . . . "

I guess I'm trying to imagine the worst and be prepared for it and then hopefully be pleasantly surprised that the whole thing doesn't end up being that big of a deal.

Even though we have only seen them 2-3 times per year on average my parents have seen them more often. They adore my brother and he and my Dad have always been especially close. And now she doesn't want to see any of us ever again.

But, I'm just trying to focus on covering all bases for myself and my immediate family.

 

[scrapquitler]

We had (have?) a person in our extended family who was addicted to prescription drugs. Eventually, this person switched to an illegal injectible drug, then later, Methadone. Here is what we did:

Be polite. Don't try to give the addict advice. It won't do any good anyway.

Stay in a neutral zone (we would never go to this person's house, we'd see him at holiday gatherings at another family members house, or we would meet him for lunch at a restaurant). No way would we have the person in our home.

Never lend money to this person. Don't give gifts that will be sold or traded for drugs.

Don't ever get into a debate about this person's addiction with other family members. Especially those that are enabling the behavior. Just no point.

Don't ever leave this person alone with your child. Don't ever get in a car with this person.

Though this person was a close relative, we tried to distance ourselves as much as possible. We saw him about 3-4 times a year, and it was not great, but it preserved the peace, to some degree, within the rest of the family. This person now is supposedly clean, but we still don't trust him fully and will NEVER leave our children alone with him.

You are not so bad off in this situation, since it's not a person that you live very close to (like we did). Distance can be your friend. Good Luck

 

[bethy]

We had (have?) a person in our extended family who was addicted to prescription drugs. Eventually, this person switched to an illegal injectible drug, then later, Methadone. Here is what we did:

Be polite. Don't try to give the addict advice. It won't do any good anyway.

Stay in a neutral zone (we would never go to this person's house, we'd see him at holiday gatherings at another family members house, or we would meet him for lunch at a restaurant). No way would we have the person in our home.

Never lend money to this person. Don't give gifts that will be sold or traded for drugs.

Don't ever get into a debate about this person's addiction with other family members. Especially those that are enabling the behavior. Just no point.

Don't ever leave this person alone with your child. Don't ever get in a car with this person.

Though this person was a close relative, we tried to distance ourselves as much as possible. We saw him about 3-4 times a year, and it was not great, but it preserved the peace, to some degree, within the rest of the family. This person now is supposedly clean, but we still don't trust him fully and will NEVER leave our children alone with him.

You are not so bad off in this situation, since it's not a person that you live very close to (like we did). Distance can be your friend. Good Luck

Thank you. This is very helpful.

 

[ceecee]

First thing....quit reading things on the internet. You can't help her so don't try! If there is ever a time you can reach out to her if she asks for your help. Like everyone else says lock up everything when she visits or put it in the trunk of your car.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

The best thing is to not have the person in your home but that can not always be accommodated, especially if you want to keep a relationship with the brother.

If she has to come over....

Make sure all drugs are locked up, even the innocent ones can be used in a pinch. When my niece started getting into drugs we bought a lockable safe to keep all medications in.

Make sure all keys (car, safe, etc) are put away out of sight.

Make sure all small electronics/valuables can can easily "walk away" are locked up.

Make sure all money (even something as small as your children's piggy bank) is locked up. Drug addicts don't care how small the amount is, if they can get at it, they will take it. My older sister took my "life savings" when I was in kindergarten...even though it was only $6 it still was a huge amount to me.

Make sure your brother and future SIL are never left in charge of your kids, even if it is only for a short time. Also, make sure they are never left alone in your house.

Be prepared to talk to your brother if he ever comes to you but do not be the person who starts a conversation about this. Your brother is not going to want to hear it at this point and neither is your future SIL. You will just start a lot of family drama but nothing will be fixed in the end.

 

[Lisa71]

My sister's first love was an addict...not at first, but later on, and it sucked. I agree that you can just be careful and make the visits brief. Be aware, however, that anything can be traded for drugs. I had helped at my sister's 30th birthday party and brought several cute dishes that can be used in any area, oven, stove, etc. Later, they were missing. He sold them to a cooker for drugs we are now sure..and they were beautiful shell dishes. Ok, hang in there, and be prepared.

 

[bethy]

First thing....quit reading things on the internet. You can't help her so don't try! If there is ever a time you can reach out to her if she asks for your help. Like everyone else says lock up everything when she visits or put it in the trunk of your car.

I'm not trying to help her. I completely understand that I can do nothing to help her and to try helping her would be rude and inappropriate. The point of my research is to educate myself on this topic. This is a new and complex issue and I don't know where else to learn about it. Perhaps attend an Al Anon meeting? I might do that, too.

Locking everything up sounds so easy and simple. But really, it's a significant invasion of privacy. I mean, she would first have to rifle through our home and our things in order to reach the conclusion that there was nothing on hand worth stealing. Of course, I'll still do it - there is no choice and it's worth it to get to see my brother.

We are centrally located and enjoy entertaining and so a large portion of our family gatherings are at our house. And we frequently have overnight guests. This all came out right before they were due to come to my house for a family St. Patrick's Day dinner. I had to tell my brother that we'd love to have them to dinner but we were not longer comfortable with them spending the night. That was a personal boundary for us and for our home. They were LIVID.

 

[RitaE]

Well, not that I think you'd be unwelcome at an Al-Anon meeting, it is just that you really have no relationship at all with this woman. You might greatly benefit from the literature though and it wouldn't hurt to keep it around for that day when your Brother is ready to see it.

The thing you have to realize is that people have the right to make bad lifestyle choices. People have the right to enable others to make bad lifestyle choices. You can't change that and trying is about as effective as banging your head on a brick wall.

What you do have the right to do is draw your lines of where your comfort zone ends and then maintain it. Do not participate in the drama. Just as an addict has the right to make bad choices, you have the right to maintain your do not cross line in regards to your home, family, and comfort zone.

"No, I'm sorry Mike but I just can't offer you a bedroom that night. Should I book a room for you at the Holiday Inn?"

That's as far as you go. Don't fight about the why - simply refuse to have that conversation. Take "because" out of your vocabulary. Change the subject, repeat the "I can't offer you a bedroom." Hang up if you have to but just don't go there. Enough of that and they'll get the idea and quit pushing.

 

[cyndik1111]

I have accepted that there is absolutely nothing I can do to get her to change and make better choices. Nor can I live my brother's life for him. My question is what do I need to do moving forward to protect my family? I love my brother and would like to maintain a relationship with him if at all possible even though he is clearly enabling her. I'd also like to be here for him if/when things fall apart in the future.

.

I would have a little sit down with your brother. Tell him just what you posted here. Then set boundaries for this woman in your life (or not). NEVER allow her in your home or alone with your children, no matter what. I don't care if there is a hurricane coming, she can't come in.

Easter dinner at Applebees, on the other side of town.

Make sure you and all family members (including your brother) keep your private life from her. Be polite and cordial
but not warm and welcoming. You want your body language to say that you are NOT looking for a friend. Let her think you are a cold fish. If you do it right, she'll keep her distance.

Tell your brother you love him and respect him, but you have to protect your family. His choices are his, your choices are yours. PERIOD.

ABOVE ALL- put your children 1st. And I'm sure your always do, but sometimes rescuers (as you describe yourself) don't realize what they are doing until they are in too deep. Keep your mommy neck hairs up at all times.

If you need to, go talk to a counselor who specializes in addiction. They can give you specific strategies to protect yourself.

Good luck, you're gonna need it. Hopefully your brother will see the light before too much damage is done.

 

[bethy]

Well, not that I think you'd be unwelcome at an Al-Anon meeting, it is just that you really have no relationship at all with this woman. You might greatly benefit from the literature though and it wouldn't hurt to keep it around for that day when your Brother is ready to see it.

The thing you have to realize is that people have the right to make bad lifestyle choices. People have the right to enable others to make bad lifestyle choices. You can't change that and trying is about as effective as banging your head on a brick wall.

What you do have the right to do is draw your lines of where your comfort zone ends and then maintain it. Do not participate in the drama. Just as an addict has the right to make bad choices, you have the right to maintain your do not cross line in regards to your home, family, and comfort zone.

"No, I'm sorry Mike but I just can't offer you a bedroom that night. Should I book a room for you at the Holiday Inn?"

That's as far as you go. Don't fight about the why - simply refuse to have that conversation. Take "because" out of your vocabulary. Change the subject, repeat the "I can't offer you a bedroom." Hang up if you have to but just don't go there. Enough of that and they'll get the idea and quit pushing.

Thank RitaE that is great advice! I like what you say about just saying the same thing over and over and leaving the "because" out of it. I wish I had thought of that when the issue first came up about the overnight visit but I hadn't learned enough yet at the time. I did offer to book them a hotel room, by the way.

I see what you are saying about Al Anon. I have been reading their stuff online about detachment and it is great. Also, if I get too sad about the affect this is having on my parents then another option I thought of was going to counseling - just to have someone to talk to about it. So that's in my back pocket.

If there is anything I feel super strongly about in this it's that I totally and completely respect my brother's choice here. I don't even presume that it's necessarily a bad choice for him to be with this woman. For him it might be worth it - that's for him to decide and I completely honor that.

I'm just trying to piece together my own strategy going forward because I am not naive to think that this issue won't ever affect our extended family. You all are doing a great job helping me sort things out. Thank you for your time!

 

[bethy]

duplicate post

 

[cyndik1111]

That is a strategy of assertiveness training called "broken record".
Bethy, from your own description of yourself, you could benefit from learning about it.

It can be great fun, and totally takes the stress out of difficult situations. Like the gal at work that always wants you to buy something...."I'd like to but I can't, good luck" ..... keep repeating, she goes away- you will feel so powerful.

There is a whole bunch of phrases that work great. When you use broken record, people eventually give up.

There is a book called "When I say no, I feel guilty" by M. Smith. Amazon has it for $7.99....it is worth 10 times that money. GREAT ADVICE in this book, with lots of scenarios to make his points. I use to have the book on tape- it was so great.

 

[Disneefun]

Along with locking up drugs, money, etc., I'll remind you to also lock up anything like blank checks, forms with your SSN on them, passports, driver's licenses, unused credit cards, etc. Any and all can be used for identity theft or to steal your money. A desperate addict will seize on anything to get into bank accounts, or open accounts of their "own" in your name.

 

[Lucky4me]

She doesnt want anything to do with your family, so for now you dont have to do anything.

If she ever comes around, don't leave her alone. Take turns watching her and keep all bedrooms with valuables locked. Any drugs out of the bathroom cabinets. If you want to have some fun with her, fill narcotic bottles with regular tylenol and leave them in there. We did that to my brother once and he didnt speak to us for a couple of years. Beat him at his own game. He never said a word and neither did we, but we both know he got got.

 

[Shmily1]

I'm so sorry you are being put in this delimna. I have two in my extended family like that and we don't let them come inside. They stay on the porch.

I would most be worried if they had children and she was still on the drugs. That could be devastating.

 

[Sunnywho]

Don't ever get in a car with this person.

This. My dad got in a car with his seemingly friendly drug addict nephew. Who started hitting him while he was driving and threatening him with a screwdriver. My dad ended up tricking him out of the car and left him. Nephew was able to hitchhike home.

 

[saffsmom]

if she were addicted to heroin or crack would you still let her into your house and your life?
probably not.
just because the drugs she is (currently) addicted to are "prescription" does not make her any less of an addict.
i find it very frustrating that many people still try to make this distinction (prescription vs "real" drugs)

this situation IS ALREADY affecting you and your family (parents etc...) and it will get much worse before it gets better
such is the nature of addiction + families