How Rude was This??

[AllyandJack]

DH and I get the same thing. He's an electrical project manager and I'm an attorney. We were at the holiday party for his company and a new apprentice said (in a loud voice), "If I married a lawyer, you can bet I wouldn't be working! What's wrong with YOU??"

Interesting.....considering DH makes more than I do.

And DH didn't marry a lawyer....he married an unemployed law school graduate who didn't have a job for the first 6 months of our marriage.

 

[Marseeya]

She annoyed me and I used restraint not to be insulting. I thought that was evident when I made the comment about her looking "old". If I liked her, I wouldn't have noticed her weight.

I'm not one to judge people based on their appearances -- especially weight, because I'm so overweight myself. But, I have to admit to getting a shamingly high level of satisfaction when I run into one of my tormentors from my childhood, only to see that she has gained 50 pounds.

Along those lines, this happened to me a year or so ago. I was grocery shopping and ran into a man I hadn't seen since my early 20s, when I was still thin. He looked me up and down and said, "Oh my GAWD," and I was SO CERTAIN that he was going to comment on my weight. Then he blurted out, "You're turning GRAY!!! Has it really been that long???" (this was right before a hair coloring) Guess you had to be there, but it was actually hilarious, and we've been on friendly terms ever since.

 

[DawnCt1]

I'm not one to judge people based on their appearances -- especially weight, because I'm so overweight myself. But, I have to admit to getting a shamingly high level of satisfaction when I run into one of my tormentors from my childhood, only to see that she has gained 50 pounds.

Along those lines, this happened to me a year or so ago. I was grocery shopping and ran into a man I hadn't seen since my early 20s, when I was still thin. He looked me up and down and said, "Oh my GAWD," and I was SO CERTAIN that he was going to comment on my weight. Then he blurted out, "You're turning GRAY!!! Has it really been that long???" (this was right before a hair coloring) Guess you had to be there, but it was actually hilarious, and we've been on friendly terms ever since.

When your last memory of that person was a 20 something, its easy to be surprised. When I like someone I never notice their weight, their hair, the wrinkles.....but when I am angry I notice every flaw.

 

[Keli]

My first thought was that it was a joke that went flat but since you know her and think otherwise then I suspect you are probably right.

Either way I think it's always better to handle it like you did and let things like that roll off your back. Life's too short, ya know?

 

[tiggersmom2]

Yes, it was a nasty little dig...ugh....good for you Dawn for taking the high road! There are always people who are going to be jealous of your good fortune (whether it be looks, intelligence, luck or wealth)...they are the pathetic ones and it shows through...

 

[Microcell]

Yeah she didn't marry a doctor or even someone who was becoming a doctor, because if she had she would klnow it is no walk in the park to be married to one!

I will never forget the doctor I work for has many patients, but time off can hurt the practice if it is more than a week off, and it is noticed a year later in the lack of patients that don't get recall cards for their eye exams. Anyway, he and his wife were taking thier one week off for the year and going on a trip, when the night before his son in law had to have emergency surgery, so they stayed in town. He came in a few of those days and we got him some patients a couple of the days, and I asked when he was going to reschedule the trip, and he said "Well, not this year. I hope we can get there next year sometime."

I wouldn't want to be married to someone who works from 7 AM to 7 PM. On call all the time. He is very well established and busy, but has to sacrifice his family to be that way.

My OB was in practice by herself and was on call 24/7. She came in to my appt looking tired and told me she had just gotten finished with a tough delivery. I asked what she does if she has more than one to do at the same time, and she told me she does them all herself unless the timing is just too close (which she said is rare BTW) and then she calls a fellow OB at the hospital. How much does she see her family?

I do hope for her sake that she was trying to joke, but is a little socially backward and not mean.

 

[froglady]

Yeah she didn't marry a doctor or even someone who was becoming a doctor, because if she had she would klnow it is no walk in the park to be married to one!

QUOTE]

Even people who should know, sometimes don't. I remember, back in the old night shift days, a nurse remarking that a surgical resident who had been up all night could finally go get some sleep. Uh, no, he's scheduled in the OR all day, and won't get any sleep until tonight, about the time we'll be waking up.

DH worked full on-call weekends; he would start on 7AM Sat morning, and could not leave the hospital until he was finished on Monday afternoon, usually around 7PM. I worked the night shift (extra pay) so at least had a chance of seeing him. The wives who were not nurses would bring their children in to see daddy on Sunday afternoons. That's the main reason we waited to have children, I didn't want my children to go through that. He was also on every other night call during the week, 5:30 AM on day one to 7PM on day two...38 hours straight. If he was lucky, he wouldn't have any middle of the night calls, but that was rare.

Now resident hours are limited (which is good for both patient and resident...see above) , so DH is back to being up in the OR all night on call nights when his resident has "maxed" for the week, then sees a full patient load. It's just a little harder at 60 than it was at 30.

DH also spends hours at home reviewing journals, x-rays, lab tests, etc in preparation for upcoming surgeries, or in response to a difficult patient. He also does the same during clinic hours. Just because he only "sees" a patient for 5 minutes doesn't mean that he's only given that patient 5 minutes of his time.

I do not mean to imply that all doctors work longer or harder than anyone else. I'm just pointing out that the affluent lifestyle they appear to lead was not handed to them, and their families, on a silver platter. (unless we're talking about the trophy wives but I suppose they have their own challenges)

 

[Christine]

I think she just trying to be funny and it came across bad. I don't she was trying to be crass.

I agree with this. I always make jokes to people that "I didn't marry well enough" when I talk about having to work. And seriously, I say with nothing but a JOKE on my mind. However, I'd been lying if I said that there wasn't a grain of truth behind it.

Crass as it may be, I can actually imagine saying this to someone that I felt like I had a good relationship with or at ease with. But I can also see the flip side that some people actually may be jealous about it.

But your response was great!

 

[RNLUVSDISNEY]

Ok, I just gotta respond. I know that I often get frustrated that such a hard education gets wasted. I worked really hard to pay for school (and 11 years later am still paying) and it is really frustrating to me that other students (particularly nurses) that may have used aid &/0r scholarships that could have been available to me are now wasting that education. If you wanted to be a SAHM then why did you go to college?? I try to restrain myself when I talk to these people, but it is extremely frustrating.

I too have gained weight since college, but between work, kids, and home life I don't have much time to work out. Since you are a SAHM I'm sure you have more time. (No sob stories about how busy you are, I try and succeed in doing most of the same things SAHM's do even though I work). But, if you feel the need to call me fat that's ok. I think it's great that she came to say HI. Apparanty she valued you, it takes a lot to get up and make the effort to go over. Try not to judge.

However, since I don't know her maybe you are right and she is just nasty.

I do envy you that you have to opportunity to SAH. On a pleasant note, just enjoy your good fortune and accept that you do indeed have good fortune. It's ok to be happy in who you are

 

[froglady]

Believe it or not, I worked my way through nursing school; my parents gave me free room and board, but I paid for tuition, books, busfare (I couldn't afford a car) etc myself. So the only thing I took away from someone else was a class space. Since I "earned" that myself, I don't feel bad about taking it.

What's the difference between taking a space or money away from a student who wouldn't "waste" an education, and taking a job away from someone who REALLY needs the money to support a family? Trust me, we get along just fine financially, and my working would only be to "fulfill" a non-existant need on MY part to "use" my education. Some women would NOT be happy being a SAHM, and that's fine. Others, such as myself, see no need to work two jobs. I know women who went to medical school and did their residency while raising a family; if they can do it, why can't everyone? Why "settle" for being JUST a nurse? Or just a teacher? Why not go to law school, or become a high-earning CEO? Aren't you wasting your intelligence by not going as far as you possibly can in your education? I really don't believe that income determines your worth in society, just as I don't believe that choosing to SAH means you're somehow a lesser person than someone who can do it all.

I'm also of the opinion that education is NEVER wasted, and one man's fortune is often another man's long term planning.

 

[AllyandJack]

I want to be a SAHM (I will be if I ever have kids). But, husbands die. Husbands get hurt or sick and can't work. I feel no guilt that I got a full tuition scholarship to one of the most respected universities in Boston. I feel no guilt that I paid my way through law school and took a seat from another applicant. None. Nor should I feel any guilt. My education is most certainly not wasted. If anything ever happened to DH, I have the ability to go out and support my family. When my future kids go to school, I'll probably go back to work. It might not be as a lawyer. I'm a licensed realtor....maybe I'll do that when my kids are in school.

A word of warning....my best friend is in a miserable marriage. She can't leave because she has no education and no skills. Her whole life all she wanted to be was a SAHM. So, she got married and stayed home and finally had her son. Now, she's stuck with her mean, two-timing DH because she can't get a job that pays more than $8./hour and she can't afford to leave him and support her son.

An education is never, ever wasted.

 

[LanaJayne]

I want to be a SAHM (I will be if I ever have kids). But, husbands die. Husbands get hurt or sick and can't work. I feel no guilt that I got a full tuition scholarship to one of the most respected universities in Boston. I feel no guilt that I paid my way through law school and took a seat from another applicant. None. Nor should I feel any guilt. My education is most certainly not wasted. If anything ever happened to DH, I have the ability to go out and support my family. When my future kids go to school, I'll probably go back to work. It might not be as a lawyer. I'm a licensed realtor....maybe I'll do that when my kids are in school.

A word of warning....my best friend is in a miserable marriage. She can't leave because she has no education and no skills. Her whole life all she wanted to be was a SAHM. So, she got married and stayed home and finally had her son. Now, she's stuck with her mean, two-timing DH because she can't get a job that pays more than $8./hour and she can't afford to leave him and support her son.

An education is never, ever wasted.

Well said

 

[Disney Doll]

I made this point on another thread where we were discussing a couple who were divorcing, had been separated for a year, and the wife still wasn't working.

I watched too many women of my mother's era have to put up with a lot of crap from not-so-great-husbands because these women had absolutely no way of supporting themselves. I was always determined that I would never put myself in the position of being dependent on anyone. I would live from a position of strength and choice, not neediness and "victim" behavior. My DH is a great guy. We have a good marriage. he is a person of integrity and I consider my self fortunate to have him, and he thinks the same of me. But, I still wanted the ability to care for myself.

I was very fortunate that my parents were able to put me through nursing school (I went right from HS at age 18) so I didn't have huge debt. Of course, my entire 3 years of nursing school cost $6000 back in the early 80's, so that helped!!! I then got a job at a hospital which paid 80% of my tuition to continue on to get my BSN. believe, I am well aware of and extremely appreciative of my good fortune.

I would never, ever advise a woman to not get an education because she wants to be a SAHM. Husbands die, they leave you for younger women, they leave you because you're a witch, whatever...or you leave them for various reasons...whatever. A woman should always have the educational wherewithal to financially provide for herself and her family.

Always.

 

[DawnCt1]

Ok, I just gotta respond. I know that I often get frustrated that such a hard education gets wasted. I worked really hard to pay for school (and 11 years later am still paying) and it is really frustrating to me that other students (particularly nurses) that may have used aid &/0r scholarships that could have been available to me are now wasting that education. If you wanted to be a SAHM then why did you go to college?? I try to restrain myself when I talk to these people, but it is extremely frustrating.

I too have gained weight since college, but between work, kids, and home life I don't have much time to work out. Since you are a SAHM I'm sure you have more time. (No sob stories about how busy you are, I try and succeed in doing most of the same things SAHM's do even though I work). But, if you feel the need to call me fat that's ok. I think it's great that she came to say HI. Apparanty she valued you, it takes a lot to get up and make the effort to go over. Try not to judge.

However, since I don't know her maybe you are right and she is just nasty.

I do envy you that you have to opportunity to SAH. On a pleasant note, just enjoy your good fortune and accept that you do indeed have good fortune. It's ok to be happy in who you are

Let me put your mind at ease. I have worked since I was 14 years old. I worked through high school. I worked summers while I was in nursing school and I worked full time when DH was in college and medical school, part time and per diem and again full time until January 2005. A nursing education allowed me to take the time I needed to care for my family but it also demanded my time on weekends, holidays, evenings, and nights. After 40 years of working, I am very happy to be UNEMPLOYED. I have earned it. It is my wish that every woman who has worked hard, balancing home, work and family also have the opprotunity to become unemployed. Being married to a physician also has its demands but none that either of us went into blindly. I married a college student who later became a medical student, an intern, resident and a fellow. Now he has responsibility for the Div. of Infectious Diseases and Geographic Medicine for a large teaching hospital in addition to professorial duties at the medical school. He is currently serving in Iraq. During my leisurely life at home I am the full time Mom and Dad. I keep the cars running, the house cleaned, the lawn mowed, the bills paid and keep on the repairs that I know how to do. Not too much time for lounging around eating bon bons, but I am working on it.

 

[nwdisgal]

When I get the "you married a doctor" line my response is usually - "no, I married a computer programmer that I worked hard to turn into a doctor". On the surface though it doesn't seem like she meant any harm. We don't tell a lot of folks that DW is a doctor. People often treat you differently when they find out.

I don't know why people assume doctors are rich either. I have friends who are doctors and the malpractice insurance is quite expensive - especially on young doctors when they are starting out, building their practice and trying to pay off med school bills.

Sounds like that gal has a chip on her shoulder about what she hasn't done with her own life.

 

[KarenAylwood]

Let me put your mind at ease. I have worked since I was 14 years old. I worked through high school. I worked summers while I was in nursing school and I worked full time when DH was in college and medical school, part time and per diem and again full time until January 2005. A nursing education allowed me to take the time I needed to care for my family but it also demanded my time on weekends, holidays, evenings, and nights. After 40 years of working, I am very happy to be UNEMPLOYED. I have earned it. It is my wish that every woman who has worked hard, balancing home, work and family also have the opprotunity to become unemployed. Being married to a physician also has its demands but none that either of us went into blindly. I married a college student who later became a medical student, an intern, resident and a fellow. Now he has responsibility for the Div. of Infectious Diseases and Geographic Medicine for a large teaching hospital in addition to professorial duties at the medical school. He is currently serving in Iraq. During my leisurely life at home I am the full time Mom and Dad. I keep the cars running, the house cleaned, the lawn mowed, the bills paid and keep on the repairs that I know how to do. Not too much time for lounging around eating bon bons, but I am working on it.

Very admirable, OP

My DBF is currently in medical school and I just got my first full time job out of school after getting my Masters. I'm going to be working 12 hour shifts- days, nights, weekends, holidays and tons of overtime. If I have the opportunity to be a SAHM in 20 years- by God I'll believe I've earned it.

I saw him through taking the MCATs, interviews and countless stressful exams. I know there's a LONG road ahead of us- longer nights, less time together, more stress, loans, residency, the list goes on. I know that it's not going to be easy for us but I know we'll be going through it together and for a while, I'll be (mostly) supporting us. We plan on getting married and when we do- I'll be marrying my best friend, NOT a future-doctor.

That said- I ALREADY get the "you're marrying a doctor" comments and it makes me (HECK! We're not even engaged yet!)

I think your reply to this woman was great and I definitely think she meant her comment in a nasty, jealous way.

Enjoy what you have- you've worked hard for it and don't let anyone tell you different.

 

[BibbidiBobbidiBOO]

He is currently serving in Iraq. During my leisurely life at home I am the full time Mom and Dad. I keep the cars running, the house cleaned, the lawn mowed, the bills paid and keep on the repairs that I know how to do. Not too much time for lounging around eating bon bons, but I am working on it.

I was just coming by to post that I hope you told Christine he was serving in Iraq! That could make her squirm a bit.
And go have a bon bon, you deserve it!!

 

[RNLUVSDISNEY]

Dawn--I hope you find peace, joy, and happiness in who you are and in who your dh is. You don't have to answer to anyone for the choices you have made. Have a Happy Easter, enjoy your nights, holidays, weekends and even plain old weekdays.

 

[DawnCt1]

Dawn--I hope you find peace, joy, and happiness in who you are and in who your dh is. You don't have to answer to anyone for the choices you have made. Have a Happy Easter, enjoy your nights, holidays, weekends and even plain old weekdays.

Thank you, that is very sweet!

 

[DawnCt1]

Very admirable, OP

My DBF is currently in medical school and I just got my first full time job out of school after getting my Masters. I'm going to be working 12 hour shifts- days, nights, weekends, holidays and tons of overtime. If I have the opportunity to be a SAHM in 20 years- by God I'll believe I've earned it.

I saw him through taking the MCATs, interviews and countless stressful exams. I know there's a LONG road ahead of us- longer nights, less time together, more stress, loans, residency, the list goes on. I know that it's not going to be easy for us but I know we'll be going through it together and for a while, I'll be (mostly) supporting us. We plan on getting married and when we do- I'll be marrying my best friend, NOT a future-doctor.

That said- I ALREADY get the "you're marrying a doctor" comments and it makes me (HECK! We're not even engaged yet!)

I think your reply to this woman was great and I definitely think she meant her comment in a nasty, jealous way.

Enjoy what you have- you've worked hard for it and don't let anyone tell you different.

Good luck to you both. Its hard work but a lot of fun too. I almost forgot about the 2 year Public Health Service Obligation in between the residency and fellowship. Wow, time flies!