How much to give for nephew's wedding gift?

[GOOFY4DONALD]

Ok, I live in Massachusetts too and am absolutely shocked that people here are saying $500 as wedding gifts. I don't know anyone who gives that much, but I guess maybe I've never really talked to that many people about it. But that seems awfully high. That's more than my car payment and when we're pretty much living paycheck to paycheck, there is no way that anyone is ever going to get $500 out of me as a wedding gift.

ITA. I think that MANY people live...in one form or another...paycheck to paycheck, especially in these times but the won't admit it. Also if you give a lavish gift like 500.00 everyone will think that you are doing great financially. And isn't that what really matters.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

The Dis wedding threads are some of my favorites b/c I learn so much. Until I started reading them, I thought the only people who gave big cash gifts at weddings were in the mafia! I know I've watched too many movies!

I also have learned that my gift was probably wrong for the the lavish wedding of two New York natives DH and I attended a couple years ago. They did get married here, so perhaps it was appropriate that I treated it as a Southern wedding. I bought something from their registry -- spent about $75 which makes it among the most I've ever paid for a wedding gift. Their thank-you note was nice -- maybe they did just want us there!

Seriously, I'm very grateful that in my circle, you attend a wedding to celebrate with the couple and stand up for/with them. Your gift is for them, not payment for an evening out.

Remember the scene in Goodfellas..where everyone lined up togive them thousands? WOW that was my favorite scene. Never in a million years did I think that was real.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

ITA. I think that MANY people live...in one form or another...paycheck to paycheck, especially in these times but the won't admit it. Also if you give a lavish gift like 500.00 everyone will think that you are doing great financially. And isn't that what really matters.

I admit that $500 blows my hair back too, but that being said...aside from the bride and groom knowing what you gave, how would anyone else be privy to that info? I don't know...maybe we're different here, but I never heard anyone discuss what so and so gave as a gift-I couldn't even tell you what my own sister got in her envelopes.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

This points to, I think, the problem in our country: we equate money with love; we understand 'value' in terms of gift card balances; and we believe that others use cash to determine if we are (or are not) doing 'life' right.

It is not only that. We, as a country, also believe the more you pay for something (the more expensive the item and the more you have) the better the person you are.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I admit that $500 blows my hair back too, but that being said...aside from the bride and groom knowing what you gave, how would anyone else be privy to that info? I don't know...maybe we're different here, but I never heard anyone discuss what so and so gave as a gift-I couldn't even tell you what my own sister got in her envelopes.

From what I get form these boards. You cannot show up to a wedding without a certain dollar amount for the couple. I am guessing that if you don't send enough people talk.

 

[wall*e2008]

ITA. I think that MANY people live...in one form or another...paycheck to paycheck, especially in these times but the won't admit it. Also if you give a lavish gift like 500.00 everyone will think that you are doing great financially. And isn't that what really matters.

How insulting. I can give a "lavish gift" according to you and I do it because I want to and I can. Many in the US do not live paycheck to paycheck and don't give gifts to show off.

From what I get form these boards. You cannot show up to a wedding without a certain dollar amount for the couple. I am guessing that if you don't send enough people talk.

I have never heard any talk from anybody of how cheap or expensive the gift was.



I was just at a bridal show and three people who attended made their gift. They were the ones who got the oohs and aahs.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

How insulting. I can give a "lavish gift" according to you and I do it because I want to and I can. Many in the US do not live paycheck to paycheck and don't give gifts to show off.



I have never heard any talk from anybody of how cheap or expensive the gift was.



I was just at a bridal show and three people who attended made their gift. They were the ones who got the oohs and aahs.

Sorry if you were insulted but I do not see why. But there are many that do live on a tight budget..you are lucky to not be one of them. But most everyone in this country is feeling the crunch or will be soon. Let me ask this. Why is it that many have said "in our part of the country you can't give ABC you must give XYZ" Also someone on this thread said if 75.00 was all they could afford they would not go. That leads me to believe that if you do not provide a certain amount people will talk.

 

[leahjade]

I guess I should have asked recent brides and grooms what how much they received as gifts since it's been soooo long since I was married. Twenty five years ago, we only got 2 checks, the rest of our gifts were cheap (compared to nowadays offerings) items like sheets, towels, casserole dishes etc. Man, it sounds like today's kids make out like bandits!

 

[cats mom]

I guess I should have asked recent brides and grooms what how much they received as gifts since it's been soooo long since I was married. Twenty five years ago, we only got 2 checks, the rest of our gifts were cheap (compared to nowadays offerings) items like sheets, towels, casserole dishes etc. Man, it sounds like today's kids make out like bandits!

I was thinking along similar lines. Based on most of the responses here... and comparing the amounts posted to what we got back in the dark ages... inflation has certainly impacted what an "acceptable" gift is.


We're attending a wedding at the country club tonight and I'm guessing our $100 monetary gift won't cover the cost of our dinner; but it's what we can reasonably afford, and since we've never even met the bride or the groom... I'm OK with that. After reading this thread I'm wondering if the happy couple will be.


BTW, it's tough to realize you've moved from friends of the couple to friends of the parents age bracket.


Oh well, when I sent in my e-mail RSVP (yep, that's the format that was requested) I accepted for DH and myself, but politely declined for the kids. I was actually shocked that they were invited. Not bringing them along should provide a significant savings.
Think that helps make up for my 'cheap' gift?

 

[DVC Sadie]

We just got married back in Sept. We had a formal wedding (floor length gowns and open bar all night). The gifts we got really ran the gambit. We had close relatives that came to the wedding and gave us NOTHING and then we had 2nd cousins that bought us $400 in dishes. It's really hit or miss.

I believe that you should give the same amount you would spend on an evening out. If it's a casual wedding (think dinner for 2 or more, casual entertainment, etc. etc) Probably around $125.00 If it's a formal wedding (think fancy dinner, dancing, theater or opera night) Probably $250 for a couple.

I can tell you that the average cost (on the low end) in my area is $125 per person for a reception and that often does not include tips, taxes, or cake cutting fees. That also doesn't include the entertainment (DJ or band) etc and often doesn't include open bar.

Now, all that being said. I really didn't care too much who gave us what and how much. What I did care about was, the people that RSVP'd and never showed up (or canceled last min), and never bothered to send a gift. We had to turn in a final count 2 weeks before the wedding (that could not be changed)! On the day of my wedding we had roughly 10+ people that did not come or only came to the wedding and not the reception. At $125 per person, that was at least $1,250 we paid for these people (who had said they were coming)!!! Of these people, I can tell you that we did not receive any gifts from any of them. I think that is SO rude! If you RSVP that you are coming, knowing that someone is paying for you to be there, you come (Short of major life altering circumstances). If you simply can not make it, send a check!

Only a few weeks ago, I attended a my cousin's wedding. My aunt traveled to be there with her family. When she got there I asked where her youngest daughter was. The answer I got was "oh, she didn't what to come, she's being a teenager"!!!! She had RSVP'd that her daughter would be there, but let her stay home and never said a word. In conversation regarding the bride and grooms registry later she told me that they bought them an ice bucket. An ICE BUCKET! A family of 5 (including one who didn't even show up) bought them an ice bucket from target. Come on.... I am sure that the bride and groom spent at least $500 for them to attend their wedding and have an enjoyable time.

Sorry about the vent... like I said, hot topic.

I agree with you that it is very rude for people to RSVP and then not show up.

It seems as if you wanted the no shows to send you a check. Do you really expect the no shows to call you and ask how much per person you spent and ask you how much they owe?

It also appears that you are very angry that some of the relatives who did show up did not give you a gift. Maybe they thought that their presence was gift enough.

Most wedding guests do not care one iota how much the wedding or reception costs and do not sit and think about the fees, taxes and tips the people paying for the event have spent before they send a gift.

When gifts "have" to equal the cost of the wedding and reception the bride and groom might as well charge admission and have the dollar amount printed in the wedding invitation. That way the guest (or customer) can decide for themselves if they want to attend without offending the couple who hosted the event.

My dh and I went to a very beautiful and very expensive black tie wedding in Washington DC and our nephew and his bride to be asked everyone who were flying in to NOT send gifts. The funny part of this story is that everyone had to fly in, even them, (they live in Amsterdam) except for the grooms father. All they wanted was for their friends and family to come share their day.

Of course we gave them a monetary gift but we give the same amount to all of our neices and nephews.

 

[CoP Luv]

My DH and I just got married on Saturday. We had a big wedding (250 guests) and it was very formal. I was raised that you give $100/person who is attending the wedding. We had an adult only reception and that was about the amount that we received from each person. Some more, some less. My aunt and uncle who are from a rural place gave us $5. That might be normal to them, but they also had to drive in and pay for a hotel which also is accountable on how much you have to spend for a wedding.

For a shower, it is customary to give something in the $50 range. Again, some people gave more and some less. That is just the average that is in our family.

Go with what you can afford and what you feel they should receive.

 

[Frankiesmom]

The scene in Goodfella's is totally real! My family is all from Long Island- we got married in 2000 and our reception alone was $24,000. That scene is real! And to the PP- yes, you give the amount equal to per plate- otherwise is bad manners? IDK. Now, living upstate I have reduced the amount-due to it's cheaper up here! Now, instead of giving $225, we give $150. And I am from a BIG Italian family! It, I am sure it's different in different parts of the country.

 

[DVC Sadie]

And to the PP- yes, you give the amount equal to per plate- otherwise is bad manners? IDK.

I don't happen to agree. How the heck is a guest suppose to know the per plate costs? Does someone notify the guests before hand or after?

The bride (or parents) should host the wedding they want without the expectation of being reimbursed for the cost of the meal by the guests.

 

[ncbyrne]

If you already bought two shower gifts and aren't attending the wedding then I don't think you need to send anything else. If you are close to him and want to send a cash gift then I think any amount you can afford is fine.

Wedding gifts are only obligatory IF you are actually attending the reception.
Since you said you are not able to attend the "wedding", I'm assuming you won't be at the reception either. When my daughter got married, the average monetary amount was $150-200 per couple. BUT, for those family who did not attend, who who still sent cards/money (and not everyone did) the amount was $50. Sooo, since you asked, I would say $50 for a nephew whose wedding you are not attending.

 

[PelletierBears]

$75 per couple?! I'm sorry but I think if that's all that I could afford, I would not be attending the wedding...

I'm sorry but I had to reply to this....If all I could afford to give as a gift was $75.00 I would hope the receiver, whether family or friend, would be grateful. If the intention in having a wedding reception is to judge the gift givers for not giving enough then maybe they should save themselves and their parents the expense to begin with.

Sorry about the rant but the sense of entitlement in the world today is ridiculous. People should give what they can without cutting into the grocery budget or taking from their own kids just to satisying other's sense of what's right.

When I married 15 yrs ago, I as others have said, received the full range of amounts, from $25 in scratch tickets (from close friends of the family -that's all they could afford and I knew that when I happily invited the three of them) to $500 from an Aunt and Uncle. AND what you give should not be dependent on the venue!

 

[Worfiedoodles]

When I married 15 yrs ago, I as others have said, received the full range of amounts, from $25 in scratch tickets (from close friends of the family -that's all they could afford and I knew that when I happily invited the three of them) to $500 from an Aunt and Uncle. AND what you give should not be dependent on the venue!

I also married 15 years ago, and just like you had the range of gifts. My in-laws all traveled 1,500 miles to get to my wedding, so I certainly wasn't expecting big gifts, too. DH and I also basically paid for our own wedding. We postponed our honeymoon for 5 mos., because we didn't have enough of a nest egg to pay for the wedding and a honeymoon at the same time.

I think perhaps values were just different, or this generation has different expectations? I don't mean to sound old, but I see this at work, too. Generation X (me), has different expectations for what is acceptable at work, and what I expect than my Millenial coworkers. I don't know whether to attribute it to the bridal magazines, the expectations they have after the substantial graduation gifts they receive (so they expect the wedding gifts to be more), or what, but the young professional couples (20s) I see getting married seem to expect more than those in their 30s and 40s.

The $300 graduation gift I mentioned to a niece in an earlier post was given in May. I have yet to receive a thank you. That was a big gift for us, and I admit that while I didn't give it to be thanked, I am a bit miffed that the check has been cashed but not acknowledged in any way. I'll be really irritated if she starts college without some sort of thank you. But perhaps that's also a generational issue.

I have friends in our HR department who tell me that our entry level hires all expect bigger salaries than are realistic, because they have huge loans and have been led to believe they can start out with a mid-level salary. I guess it's logical to assume that with the wedding, they may be expecting to not take on additional debt -- but they don't have the capital to pay for it, either. So they decide the guests should cover their costs, and are deeply disappointed if that doesn't happen. I don't think it should happen, but I keep thinking about the post from the recently married woman who rationalized that her guests should give her a gift equivalent to a nice evening out. Sorry, toots, if I'm having a nice evening out, it's not going to be where you are the Princess, it's going to be focused on me!

Weddings have become a big industry, and to keep that machine going, requires big investments from the participants. How many articles are in today's bridal books about the backyard barbeque wedding? How many young women would be embarrassed to have one? This isn't a judgement on anyone in particular, just more of a statement about society, rambling as it is.

 

[C.Ann]

Sorry, but I find it mind boggling (and terribly rude) that the bride and groom expect people to give a cash gift "equivalent to the per plate charge"..
Why not just sell tickets to your big event - rather than sending out invitations?

The people invited have not chosen the venue - the menu - the caterer - the florist - the photographer - the band - the beverages - the wedding dress - the honeymoon - or any of the other things that are involved in a wedding.. If a couple cannot afford to pay for the wedding themselves - without relying on "per plate" gifts from the guests who are invited - perhaps they should just elope and be done with it..

Drives me crazy that people allow themselves to get all caught up in this "going rate" nonsense - whether it's a bridal shower, wedding, baby shower, christening, graduation, birthday party, or whatever.. Why on earth would anyone allow someone else to dictate what they should or shouldn't spend? I honestly and truly don't "get that" at all..

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I didn't read the thread so forgive me if it has been said. Give what you feel is the right amount. Only you can decide what you are comfortable with.