How much privacy do spouse have from each other?

[SaraJayne]

I do this to a degree. If a friend is having marital problems (just for example) and asks me to keep it to myself I will. My DH is not into the personal business whether true of gossip of people that will not effect him. If a relative tells me something that will have a direct impact on me (example a relative finds out they are ill) I will share it with him.

I agree with sharing things that have a direct impact on me (or us as a couple).

 

[castmemberb4]

DH and I both know the others email password. We generally do not log in to the other account but will do so to look up something the other needs and they are not home.

Everything we have and own is joint. The only privacy we have is in the bathroom.

Ditto
We've been married for 18 years and neither have anything to hide.

 

[eliza61]

So your friends/family can't confide in you confidentially because you will automatically tell your husband whatever they tell you?

I know I wasn't the one you were asking but I wanted to chime in
my friends and family can and do confide in me but they also know that I may or maynot tell my dh. One friend ask me to not tell my dh and I ask her to not confide in me. As a general rule I don't keep secrets from my dh. Now rarely is he all that interested in my girl chats but if he ask "how is so& so doing" or "how was you lunch date" I have no problem filling him in on what went on.

I just don't like conversation where I then have to "be careful" that it doesn't slip out to my husband.

 

[luvmy3]

I'm not sure there is a legal right to a Private Conversation. As far as a practical right? In our marriage no. I don't keep secrets from my husband and I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where my husband keeps secrets from me.

Does that translate into me reporting to him every conversation I have? No.

But I have stopped family members and friends when they start down the "I'd like to tell you this but don't tell your husband" path. I would never agree to not tell my husband anything so it is best that everybody just assume that if they talk to me, he'll find out.

I would never break the trust of a friend/family member by telling my dh what the told me in confidence. That is not keeping secrets from my dh, thats just not sharing a private conversation I had with someone else. If what was told to me had nothing to do with dh then its none of his business, why would he even need to know. Honestly, I couldn't imagine feeling compelled to tell him everything, thats such a strange concept to me. Just curious if you share every single detail of your waking day with your dh? I mean by your logic it seems that if you didn't then you would be keeping secrets from him.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

I feel for this guy, I really do. Because I can see it both ways. Probably because of my job, I am very sensitive to these types of spousal issues. I've had people swear at me, spit at me, call me names, etc because I would not give them the balance in their spouses' bank accounts.

However this gets decided, it's going to set an interesting precedent.

To answer the question posed in the OP though, I think legally the level of privacy should remain the same as it was before you were married and from there you can decide jointly how much you're willing to give up. At this stage of the game (partly because of my age, partly because of my career) I don't think I would ever be able to have a joint checking account.

What if a spouse intentionally opened a letter that was addressed to the other? Without authorization, this would be mail fraud.

This is why I'm leaning toward the wife's favor here (and not because I agree with her, mind you.)

The point of my whole post is this, the same people who will scream about privacy are the same ones in our new world that will freely tell you via twitter, Facebook, or any other way every detail of their lives.

I have never posted my password to anything on my Facebook page.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I would never break the trust of a friend/family member by telling my dh what the told me in confidence. That is not keeping secrets from my dh, thats just not sharing a private conversation I had with someone else. If what was told to me had nothing to do with dh then its none of his business, why would he even need to know. Honestly, I couldn't imagine feeling compelled to tell him everything, thats such a strange concept to me. Just curious if you share every single detail of your waking day with your dh? I mean by your logic it seems that if you didn't then you would be keeping secrets from him.

I don't think anyone is saying they share every detail of every day with your spouse. If my DH came home and said how was your day I don't think he wants a play by play. But if a family member told me not to tell my DH but I think my spouse is cheating on me. If that would have an impact on me (such as worrying about their kiddos for example) I don't think it would be fair to my DH to see me worrying so much without telling him what is going on. I think it is a pretty much the norm in my circle of family and friends that we share with our spouses...or at least it is a possibility. I never share something with a friend that I don't expect her to share with her DH. My DH share our whole lives together...the good and bad and if it is something that affects me it affects him.

 

[Nancy F]

If I have anything to say about it. My e-mail is open to my husband. And his to me.He knows that I have male friends on line. One that I've gotten close enough with that we exchange gifts. I always get something for his grands when I go to DW. My husband doesn't have a problem with it. He knows that we are just friends. He is hardly ever on the computer and half the time he has to ask me for help doing stuff. We don't pry... but it's always okay if we wanted to look.

Nancy

 

[luvmy3]

I don't think anyone is saying they share every detail of every day with your spouse. If my DH came home and said how was your day I don't think he wants a play by play. But if a family member told me not to tell my DH but I think my spouse is cheating on me. If that would have an impact on me (such as worrying about their kiddos for example) I don't think it would be fair to my DH to see me worrying so much without telling him what is going on. I think it is a pretty much the norm in my circle of family and friends that we share with our spouses...or at least it is a possibility. I never share something with a friend that I don't expect her to share with her DH. My DH share our whole lives together...the good and bad and if it is something that affects me it affects him.

See, I would have a problem with someone who didn't share every detail of what they do/did/say/act with their dh but felt they needed to share what their friend or their friend's spouse, or their family member, or their spouse was doing/saying/feeling etc because in some way it may effect themself or their spouse. Honestly, I think its just an excuse one uses to spread the gossip.
This thread has got me thinking I better ask my friends and family members if they share everything with their dh since I assumed that most people respect other's privacy, but I see there are a few people here who wouldn't think twice about reporting to their dh.

 

[RitaE]

Originally Posted by luvmy3 View Post
I would never break the trust of a friend/family member by telling my dh what the told me in confidence. That is not keeping secrets from my dh, thats just not sharing a private conversation I had with someone else. If what was told to me had nothing to do with dh then its none of his business, why would he even need to know. Honestly, I couldn't imagine feeling compelled to tell him everything, thats such a strange concept to me. Just curious if you share every single detail of your waking day with your dh? I mean by your logic it seems that if you didn't then you would be keeping secrets from him.

Of course I don't share every detail of my day with my husband - I'm sure you can understand the difference between what we are talking about and things that need "privacy."

I don't agree to have conversations "in confidence" with anybody that can't be shared with him. If somebody tell me they want to talk with me about something but they don't want me to share it with my husband, I tell them that I don't agree to those conditions.

Really - it has happened in a couple of situations that I can remember. A kid that thinks they can divide the parents and avoid facing their Dad over a screw-up and a couple of female family members who were cheating on their husbands and wanted to discuss it. Its beyond me why they think I'd be the appropriate person to unload their guilty conscience on over that but in all cases the answer is the same - if you tell me something you can assume you are telling my husband because I will share with him what I know when we talk.

As for other things - my husband grabbed my iPhone the other day to play Angry Birds while we waited for an oil change and he ended up in a text conversation with my sister. I'm sure he saw most of my recent texts then. Its not like he deliberately goes snooping, it is just that we don't have password protected electronics or lives and when somebody does see something it is okay.

 

[pearlieq]

So your friends/family can't confide in you confidentially because you will automatically tell your husband whatever they tell you?

Absolutely. I'm not about to get caught up in the game of "let me tell you this, but don't tell him that..." I don't want to have to be forced to keep things from DH, or try to remember what he's "supposed" to know.

It's not so much that it's any of his business what I know, but I might need to talk about it. He's a good sounding board and I may just need to talk something through to wrap my head around it. I don't always share other people's information for his benefit--sometimes it's for mine.

I told family and friends early on that they can consider telling me anything as good as telling DH. They know the deal, they can decide what they want to tell me. To the outside world, DH and I are one unit.

Now WITHIN our marriage, it's different. We can set our own rules. I have private email accounts, he has his own as well. I don't generally open mail addressed to him, and he keeps his mitts out of my purse. It's not that either of us couldn't access these private spaces, but we understand that each of us needs space to be an individual and we respect that.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

See, I would have a problem with someone who didn't share every detail of what they do/did/say/act with their dh but felt they needed to share what their friend or their friend's spouse, or their family member, or their spouse was doing/saying/feeling etc because in some way it may effect themself or their spouse. Honestly, I think its just an excuse one uses to spread the gossip.
This thread has got me thinking I better ask my friends and family members if they share everything with their dh since I assumed that most people respect other's privacy, but I see there are a few people here who wouldn't think twice about reporting to their dh.

Talking to my spouse is not the same as spreading gossip. I am also not talking about reporting as in he's my boss. My DH would rather have me pull out his fingernails one by one than hear about my friend's fight with her DH or problems with her kids but as I said before if my mom (God forbid) said I'm dying don't tell your DH that is something I wouldn't keep from him.

 

[Kat77]

See, I would have a problem with someone who didn't share every detail of what they do/did/say/act with their dh but felt they needed to share what their friend or their friend's spouse, or their family member, or their spouse was doing/saying/feeling etc because in some way it may effect themself or their spouse. Honestly, I think its just an excuse one uses to spread the gossip.
This thread has got me thinking I better ask my friends and family members if they share everything with their dh since I assumed that most people respect other's privacy, but I see there are a few people here who wouldn't think twice about reporting to their dh.

I'm right there with you on this. I have no issue with DH being on my email account, he takes care of blocking spam and setting up folders all the time for me, but I would be po'd if he was snooping through my personal chit chat with friends. I do not share my friends personal problems with my spouse. I don't ask for details about his buddies lives and struggles either. Our friend lives are pretty tame so if they are confiding in one of us, they really need a friend to hold them up.

 

[luvmy3]

Talking to my spouse is not the same as spreading gossip. I am also not talking about reporting as in he's my boss. My DH would rather have me pull out his fingernails one by one than hear about my friend's fight with her DH or problems with her kids but as I said before if my mom (God forbid) said I'm dying don't tell your DH that is something I wouldn't keep from him.

I would respect my dying mother's wishes.

 

[SaraJayne]

I'm right there with you on this. I have no issue with DH being on my email account, he takes care of blocking spam and setting up folders all the time for me, but I would be po'd if he was snooping through my personal chit chat with friends. I do not share my friends personal problems with my spouse. I don't ask for details about his buddies lives and struggles either. Our friend lives are pretty tame so if they are confiding in one of us, they really need a friend to hold them up.

I just don't understand the "I must tell my DH EVERYTHING" mentality.

This girl needs some privacy!!

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I would respect my dying mother's wishes.

If my mother told me she was dying don't tell DH I would tell her that this would affect me so greatly that I cannot keep it from DH and I would expect her to understand. If she told me I have a secret but don't tell DH I would stop her and tell her that I don't do that. But what I believ and what I do in my marriage is right for me and DH. This isn't a my way is good for you so you better do it. If you are comfortable keeping secrets from your spouse who am I to tell you that you are wrong? This is just the way I believe and so far, for me at least, it works and I couldn't be happier.

 

[SaraJayne]

If my mother told me she was dying don't tell DH I would tell her that this would affect me so greatly that I cannot keep it from DH and I would expect her to understand. If she told me I have a secret but don't tell DH I would stop her and tell her that I don't do that. But what I believ and what I do in my marriage is right for me and DH. This isn't a my way is good for you so you better do it. If you are comfortable keeping secrets from your spouse who am I to tell you that you are wrong? This is just the way I believe and so far, for me at least, it works and I couldn't be happier.

So since I don't tell my DH every. single. thing. I'm keeping secrets from him? I don't think so.

 

[eliza61]

I just don't understand the "I must tell my DH EVERYTHING" mentality.

This girl needs some privacy!!

For me it's not an issue of "must". Techhnically, no one has to tell anyone any thing.

For me it's an issue of "love". I love the knowledge that there is nothing I can't share with my husband. I love the comfort I get from knowing there is one person one this big blue ball who I can kevetch to without fear of judgement.
I love knowing that the "old guy" will listen to me kevetch about any thing and every thing even if it bores him out of his skull.
It gives me great comfort, strength, support and joy.

Also let's keep some perspective, we're not talking about telling our spouses every little thing or detail. Does my dh care that I brought a new nail polish at target. No. But if my best friend decided to confide in me that shes cheating on her dh and doesn't want my husband to know? sorry toots, I don't generally blab to the old guy but I definitely ain't lying to him to keep your confidence.

So I really don't deal with conversations that start off with " don't tell your husband" because I don't want to even be put in a position of watching what I say to him. I don't want to even start to think "if I tell my dh, Jane is going to be mad".

Like I said, I have had my friends come to me and say "Please don't tell Sam" and I politely ask them to not confide in me then. I love 'em but there is nothing I feel the need to keep from my "old guy"

 

[pearlieq]

For me it's not an issue of "must". Techhnically, no one has to tell anyone any thing.

For me it's an issue of "love". I love the knowledge that there is nothing I can't share with my husband. I love the comfort I get from knowing there is one person one this big blue ball who I can kevetch to without fear of judgement.
I love knowing that the "old guy" will listen to me kevetch about any thing and every thing even if it bores him out of his skull.
It gives me great comfort, strength, support and joy.

Also let's keep some perspective, we're not talking about telling our spouses every little thing or detail. Does my dh care that I brought a new nail polish at target. No. But if my best friend decided to confide in me that shes cheating on her dh and doesn't want my husband to know? sorry toots, I don't generally blab to the old guy but I definitely ain't lying to him to keep your confidence.

So I really don't deal with conversations that start off with " don't tell your husband" because I don't want to even be put in a position of watching what I say to him. I don't want to even start to think "if I tell my dh, Jane is going to be mad".

Like I said, I have had my friends come to me and say "Please don't tell Sam" and I politely ask them to not confide in me then. I love 'em but there is nothing I feel the need to keep from my "old guy"

Excellent post!

 

[C.Ann]

If my DH were still alive, neither of us would have a problem with sharing each others passwords.. We just didn't keep secrets from one another..

DD and her DH have their own computers - and they both have each others passwords to everything..

Is that unusual?

 

[luvmy3]

So since I don't tell my DH every. single. thing. I'm keeping secrets from him? I don't think so.

I think that it all comes down to what you think secrets are. Personally, I don't consider not telling my dh my email password, or about the conversation I had with my friend/family member the same as keeping secrets. One can have/want privacy and not be hiding something.