How much privacy do spouse have from each other?

[SaraJayne]

I think that it all comes down to what you think secrets are. Personally, I don't consider not telling my dh my email password, or about the conversation I had with my friend/family member the same as keeping secrets. One can have/want privacy and not be hiding something.

I agree.

 

[SaraJayne]

For me it's not an issue of "must". Techhnically, no one has to tell anyone any thing.

For me it's an issue of "love". I love the knowledge that there is nothing I can't share with my husband. I love the comfort I get from knowing there is one person one this big blue ball who I can kevetch to without fear of judgement.
I love knowing that the "old guy" will listen to me kevetch about any thing and every thing even if it bores him out of his skull.
It gives me great comfort, strength, support and joy.

Also let's keep some perspective, we're not talking about telling our spouses every little thing or detail. Does my dh care that I brought a new nail polish at target. No. But if my best friend decided to confide in me that shes cheating on her dh and doesn't want my husband to know? sorry toots, I don't generally blab to the old guy but I definitely ain't lying to him to keep your confidence.

So I really don't deal with conversations that start off with " don't tell your husband" because I don't want to even be put in a position of watching what I say to him. I don't want to even start to think "if I tell my dh, Jane is going to be mad".

Like I said, I have had my friends come to me and say "Please don't tell Sam" and I politely ask them to not confide in me then. I love 'em but there is nothing I feel the need to keep from my "old guy"

Maybe it's just semantics, then. I feel I can tell my DH anything I want to...it doesn't mean I have to, though.

When I discuss personal issues with friends, they know our conversation stays between us. I respect their right to have some privacy, and feel they should give me the same respect.

 

[Kat77]

So since I don't tell my DH every. single. thing. I'm keeping secrets from him? I don't think so.

I think that it all comes down to what you think secrets are. Personally, I don't consider not telling my dh my email password, or about the conversation I had with my friend/family member the same as keeping secrets. One can have/want privacy and not be hiding something.

I do not see it as hiding anything either. I might share that SaraJayne is having issues at home and needs a friend to listen but elaborating is gossiping imo. Now if SaraJayne's half uncle was hitting on me, I would tell my DH that . And if Luvmy3 is asking the girls to help pick her some spicy dresses for her anniversary... well, that's something DH never needs to know about . What happens with girlfriends, stays with girlfriends! That's why my texts and emails are private. He is welcome to open my bills and pta emails but friendly chit chat is off limits.

 

[TDC Nala]

As soon as you write the password down next to the computer, or you allow your password to be stored via cookies on a shared computer, I think you should forfeit whatever right you have to keep someone else from reading your stuff.

If you read it they're not accusing him of reading his wife's e-mails. They're accusing him of "hacking" into her computer AFTER she filed for divorce. It's going to be for the court to determine if what he did constitutes hacking under the law as it is written.

And if you have something you don't want shared - don't tell anybody.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

On the surface, I don't think the guy did anything wrong.

Now if we are talking an abusive spouse who is controlling his/her partner--then I would think it were wrong.

However--in this case, wife should have pressed charges, not the DA. I don't believe the govt should be in the position to mandate how a household operates.

And since she wasn't too bright to not keep her password to herself and they shared this computer....

Kind of like on the job--the employer pays for the computer, they get to see what is on it. You don't get to hide.


To me, this isn't an issue of love, trust, or whatever.

The state doesn't belong in the matter at all.

What next, the state prosecuting b/c a partner put the laundry away and found something in the underwear drawer?

Do we really want the state to have this insane power?

 

[Buckalew11]

I have no secrets from DH. He's welcome to view any account or email I have. I also know his passwords to his account. It is what works for us.

 

[Planogirl]

The state already does regulate some things. Such issues as community property and so on have their own laws. You can't just decide what the rules will be in all cases.

The question is where that line should be drawn.

 

[Buckalew11]

Ugh, I just read through page 7 and see where there is talk of spouses telling each other everything. OK, I despise that and I do not do that.

If I'm sharing with a close friend and find out she tells her DH everything I say, I stop confiding. In fact, I have a close friend who does do that. Once I learned she shared, I stopped sharing anything that was important to me.

I'm married to a guy who doesn't like gossip, drama or all the details of my girlfriends lives. He's uninterested and I'm glad. I also do not learn the details of his friends' lives either. We seem to know when to share and when not too.

My sister is going through a divorce after 34 years of marriage. There is a lot of drama there, to say the least. I have shared very little about it with him. He's there when I need him or when my sister needs him but he's not interested in all the daily drama.

 

[SaraJayne]

Ugh, I just read through page 7 and see where there is talk of spouses telling each other everything. OK, I despise that and I do not do that.

If I'm sharing with a close friend and find out she tells her DH everything I say, I stop confiding. In fact, I have a close friend who does do that. Once I learned she shared, I stopped sharing anything that was important to me.

I'm married to a guy who doesn't like gossip, drama or all the details of my girlfriends lives. He's uninterested and I'm glad. I also do not learn the details of his friends' lives either. We seem to know when to share and when not too.

My sister is going through a divorce after 34 years of marriage. There is a lot of drama there, to say the least. I have shared very little about it with him. He's there when I need him or when my sister needs him but he's not interested in all the daily drama.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

The state already does regulate some things. Such issues as community property and so on have their own laws. You can't just decide what the rules will be in all cases.

The question is where that line should be drawn.

That is for when assets must be divided in divorce.

If they communally own the computer--then he shouldn't be prosecuted for having access to it.

 

[cm8]

Me and my Husband do not hold anything back from one another. How devistating it is to find out secrets.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I think there seems to be some confusion about secrets, privacy and what to say and not to say. Telling my husband every detail about my day, my friends/coworkers day is not the same as keeping secrets. I don't think my husband wants to know what my friend was getting her husband for his birthday, who my coworker is dating this week and how many times I go potty in a day. If I don't volunteer..which I don't...it is because this will not afftect him in any way shape or form. If I did volunteer...or if he asked...either one or the both of us are nuts. I think secrets are something that if DH found out about, third hand, he would be upset. To me these are secrets. But if my friend told me she is having an affair and used me as an aliby and by the way don't tell my DH. You can believe he would be upset. If my sister told me a horrible secret that kept me up worrying at night or bothered me to tears and I didn't tell DH he would be upset and feel like I didn't trust hi enough to tell. These are both examples of other people's problems that would affect me and our marriage.

 

[Planogirl]

That is for when assets must be divided in divorce.

If they communally own the computer--then he shouldn't be prosecuted for having access to it.

My point is that there are laws that govern even married individuals to some extent. Maybe community property was a bad example since that comes up during a breakup.

I don't really feel one way or the other about this. I know that I want my privacy in some areas and DH feels the same way. It works for us.

 

[bicker]

I believe the poster you are referring to is a man.

My apologies for the error.

 

[bicker]

You are arguing that a married person does not have the right to keep their personal email communications private from his/her spouse.

No I'm not. You are yet again arguing against something easier to argue against, instead of reading what I write and replying solely to the points I am actually making.

Stop doing that. It's annoying.

Meanwhile, you still haven't provided a reference to the law that would put a man in jail for overhearing a conversation his wife was having with someone else, within the home they share. Start there. And if you realize there is no such law that would put someone in jail for overhearing, then saying that is okay as well.

 

[bicker]

On the surface, I don't think the guy did anything wrong.

I'm not so sure I'd say that, but in the OP the issue raised is whether or not it is illegal, not whether or not it is wrong. Marriage is built on trust and acceptance that our partner won't necessarily be perfect. A breach of trust, though, is severe, and as I said earlier, I can readily see (because I probably feel this way myself) someone saying that it is wrong.

But not illegal.

The desire of some folks to make the law reflect their personal beliefs and values is the source of controversy here. As it always does, showing such disrespect for the beliefs and values of others, by insisting on placing one's own beliefs and values in such a vaunted sphere, creates conflict where none is necessary nor constructive.

To me, this isn't an issue of love, trust, or whatever.

The state doesn't belong in the matter at all.

What next, the state prosecuting b/c a partner put the laundry away and found something in the underwear drawer?

Do we really want the state to have this insane power?

Indeed. You've hit the nail on the head, there.

 

[sbell111]

As soon as you write the password down next to the computer, or you allow your password to be stored via cookies on a shared computer, I think you should forfeit whatever right you have to keep someone else from reading your stuff.

I'm not sure about this.

If I place a spare house key in one of those fake rocks and leave it next to my front door, you don't have the right to use it to enter my home.

On the surface, I don't think the guy did anything wrong.

Now if we are talking an abusive spouse who is controlling his/her partner--then I would think it were wrong.

I don't think that you can make it illegal to do it if there is abuse, but not if there isn't.

If they communally own the computer--then he shouldn't be prosecuted for having access to it.

He isn't being prosecuted for using the computer. He is being prosecuted for going online and accessing her email. He could have done this on any computer, it just so happened that he used a shared one.

Meanwhile, you still haven't provided a reference to the law that would put a man in jail for overhearing a conversation his wife was having with someone else, within the home they share. Start there. And if you realize there is no such law that would put someone in jail for overhearing, then saying that is okay as well.

You are once again twisting my posts to argue against something that I didn't type.

I once again invite you to read post #60 and give your comments without twisting anything. I won't guess why you haven't yet done this. Others can draw their own conclusions.

 

[bicker]

You are once again twisting my posts to argue against something that I didn't type.

Pot, kettle, black.

Regardless, you're mistaken. I didn't twist anything. You said something about personal conversations in the context of a thread about a man going to jail. Is there a law? Just tell me if there is, isn't or that you don't know.

I once again invite you to read post #60 and give your comments without twisting anything.

I did. Clearly you have no legitimate reply. I'll presentmy reply again:

Does a married individual have a right to a private conversation with a family or friend without the knowledge of his/her spouse?

Should your spouse go to jail for having overheard a conversation that you were having in the home you share with your spouse?

No.

Can he/she write and mail a letter to a friend or family member without disclosing it's contents to his/her spouse?

No one is suggesting anyone be compelled to reveal anything.

Must he/she even notify his/her spouse of the existence of the sent letter?

No one is suggesting anyone be compelled to reveal anything.

I'm not twisting anything. What I'm doing is not allowing you to divert the discussion away from the issue being discussed, i.e., whether something should send someone to jail. I can only speculate that you're simply trying to divert attention away from the context of the OP because you cannot demonstrate the illegality you imply exists.

 

[luvmy3]

I think there seems to be some confusion about secrets, privacy and what to say and not to say. Telling my husband every detail about my day, my friends/coworkers day is not the same as keeping secrets. I don't think my husband wants to know what my friend was getting her husband for his birthday, who my coworker is dating this week and how many times I go potty in a day. If I don't volunteer..which I don't...it is because this will not afftect him in any way shape or form. If I did volunteer...or if he asked...either one or the both of us are nuts. I think secrets are something that if DH found out about, third hand, he would be upset. To me these are secrets. But if my friend told me she is having an affair and used me as an aliby and by the way don't tell my DH. You can believe he would be upset. If my sister told me a horrible secret that kept me up worrying at night or bothered me to tears and I didn't tell DH he would be upset and feel like I didn't trust hi enough to tell. These are both examples of other people's problems that would affect me and our marriage.

I can understand what you are saying, for me though it still wouldn't be reason to tell my dh exactly what was said to me. I could tell him its personal for xxx and they don't want you to know and he would respect that and be OK with that, its not about me trusting him, he would understand that it would be a matter of xxx being able to trust me (and if I told dh what was said in confidence how does that show I'm trustworthy at all, to anyone ). I wouldn't want to be married to someone who wasn't OK with that (not saying your dh isn't), that would be the only way it would effect my marriage. My dh's feelings don't always come first.

 

[TDC Nala]

I'm not sure about this.

If I place a spare house key in one of those fake rocks and leave it next to my front door, you don't have the right to use it to enter my home.

Didn't say you "would" lose that right. I said you "should." If you leave the key in the door, then you SHOULD also forfeit the right to keep people out of your home (if they go in and kill you, they should be prosecuted, but if they steal stuff or read your personal papers, too bad) I'm of the opinion that if you are careless and/or stupid enough to leave your car unlocked and your keys in the ignition, and someone steals it, say goodbye to it. That's obviously not how it works but that is how it SHOULD work in my opinion.