How much do you prepare your kids for life before they leave home?

[kimblebee]

My daughter is moving away in November and I feel like she has a good grip on how to do laundry and cook for herself.

I’m focusing more on the ‘street smart’ stuff that she might not know.

 

[jrmasm]

I can answer this one! I'm from Oregon and never had a car to drive living out of state until I was post college and nowhere near my parents.

Right and I still think it’s weird to send an 18/19 year old to college, with a car, and not teach them to pump gas.

My original point was that in my dd’s recent experience, most kids aren’t nearly as helpless as someone people think.

 

[mnrose]

Eh. My kids know the basics, but I have gotten phone calls about laundry from both of them since moving to the dorms. Our machine has hot, warm and cold washes....the ones in the dorms are labeled "whites, colors, brights" and it confused them both. Other than those sorts of things, I feel pretty confident they can take care of themselves. They both manage their own finances, and have for several years. That to me is the most essential skill.

 

[BLAZEY]

Right and I still think it’s weird to send an 18/19 year old to college, with a car, and not teach them to pump gas.

My original point was that in my dd’s recent experience, most kids aren’t nearly as helpless as someone people think.

Many are just used to or are allowed to be lazy because Mommy has always done it for them and expect that someone else will do it when Mommy isn't there.

 

[disykat]

Right and I still think it’s weird to send an 18/19 year old to college, with a car, and not teach them to pump gas.

My original point was that in my dd’s recent experience, most kids aren’t nearly as helpless as someone people think.

I think it's just considered "normal" in Oregon anyway, to just figure it out the first time you're somewhere you have to pump your own. Isn't that pretty much what everyone does? Is there something hard about it I'm not getting? I live elsewhere now and I suppose I "taught" my boys how to pump gas as part of normal living because they were driving while they lived here. I don't remember teaching them. It wasn't even on my parent's radar and there wouldn't have been anywhere I could have tried it prior to leaving. It's not legal. I only had access to a car once in college for two weeks since my parents flew out of an airport near me and I got to babysit their car. (Yay!) It didn't occur to either of us to think about it and I figured it out.

If they were somewhere where it was legal, and had already been driving, I don't know why they wouldn't have already known? For me it was an, "oh, yeah, I have to pump my own, let's see here...." No big issue or big learning curve.

 

[jrmasm]

Many are just used to or are allowed to be lazy because Mommy has always done it for them and expect that someone else will do it when Mommy isn't there.

That was 100% NOT my point.

 

[jrmasm]

I think it's just considered "normal" in Oregon anyway, to just figure it out the first time you're somewhere you have to pump your own. Isn't that pretty much what everyone does? Is there something hard about it I'm not getting? I live elsewhere now and I suppose I "taught" my boys how to pump gas as part of normal living because they were driving while they lived here. I don't remember teaching them. It wasn't even on my parent's radar and there wouldn't have been anywhere I could have tried it prior to leaving. It's not legal.

If they were somewhere where it was legal, and had already been driving, I don't know why they wouldn't have already known? For me it was an, "oh, yeah, I have to pump my own, let's see here...." No big issue or big learning curve.

I don’t think pumping gas is hard. My dd just said there was a lot of drama the first few weeks of school with the kids from NJ because they didn’t know how.

But again, my point was that was the only issue she mentioned.

 

[disykat]

Editing to delete since we crossed posts!

 

[BLAZEY]

That was 100% NOT my point.

What was it then? How many reasons are there that a 18/19 year old ADULT is unable to do simple household care tasks (barring mental disabilities who actually learn many of these life skills in there alternative education classes)? That they CAN'T do it because they were not taught or given the experience or DON'T do it because Mommy does it so they never had to?

 

[jrmasm]

What was it then? How many reasons are there that a 18/19 year old ADULT is unable to do simple household care tasks (barring mental disabilities who actually learn many of these life skills in there alternative education classes)? That they CAN'T do it because they were not taught or given the experience or DON'T do it because Mommy does it so they never had to?

Go read it.

 

[Colleen27]

I don't buy the "don't know how to..." about a lot of these things. Sheets don't require instructions and anyone who can read can cook. It isn't lack of ability that holds kids back, it is lack of interest/desire to do for themselves.

I haven't consciously taught my kids household skills, other than how to do laundry without ending up with pink socks and how to load the dishwasher so that more than a handful of dishes fit. They managed to figure out putting sheets on their bed and how to cook simple recipes without any concerted teaching effort. Ironing is probably the only one that would stymie DS, mostly because I only do it when I'm sewing and none of his clothes require it so he hasn't had much exposure (both DDs know how because they occasionally have to iron a uniform blouse that wasn't hung up promptly). But I figure that if they can learn how to repair the dryer or replace a phone screen from YouTube, they can probably Google any unfamiliar task that they need help with. Or they can just call me and ask.

 

[bigbabyblues]

My boys are 17 (senior) and 15 (freshman). They have both been taught to do laundry because I don't pick anything up from the floor; if it doesn't hit a hamper, I'm not going to wash it--both had trouble understand the concept for awhile, so they had to learn to wash the things they didn't pick up and had to have washed before I was doing laundry again. They know how to load/unload the dishwasher, clean up the kitchen, vacuum, and make beds including sheets. They can make some simple foods and they know how to follow a recipe. DH does most of our cooking, but when he is working, I have the boys help me so they can learn some basics (chop veggies or fruit, brown hamburger, etc). During the summer, I'll leave instructions for one of them to start dinner, usually involving a crockpot. DH does a lot of needed repairs in our house and the cars, and he always has one of them work with him so they can learn. DS17 changes the oil in his car and both are able to fix the problem we have with the sink in the downstairs bathroom every few months.

I was raised by grandparents who didn't require me to do anything--I didn't clean my room, do laundry, dishes, cook or anything else, and I had to learn the hard way when I got married. I don't want my boys to be that way.

 

[LSUmiss]

This is a question based purely out of curiosity on my part, which stems from a number of incidents our family has experienced/witnessed in regards to young adults and/or college-aged people.

Now, I don't feel that I hold my kids up to any super high standards. They have had their chores through the years, so all of them can clean a bathroom, gather the trash, vacuum, and make their beds. They can wash and fold their clothes, unload a dishwasher, pick out produce, and make (very, very) simple meals for themselves before they leave home. (I have never once had them prepare a meal for the whole family as I have heard of others doing.) How often they choose to utilize those skills once they are on their own is up to them, but they do have the ability to perform them. Both of my oldest kids, who are now away from home, have said that we expected more from them than what they feel many of their fellow students and friends experienced while at home, but are also now grateful that they were given these skills after witnessing some of the following:

Exhibit A: When my son moved into the dorms with his first-year roommate, the guy he roomed with didn't know how to make a bed. (Those are my son's words. He did not imply his roommate was too lazy to make the bed.) Rather than ask for help or attempt to figure it out, he just slept on the plastic mattress directly, covered with a blanket. (Yes. His parents had sent him bedding.)

Exhibit B: In his second year, this same son was in a dorm apartment with three other guys who were expected to clean their own bathroom and common area. This was met with varying degrees of success as some had never had to clean a bathroom before.

Exhibit C: My daughter roomed with a girl during one of her off-campus projects where students were housed in apartments with kitchens. The roommate took frozen chicken, placed it in a glass pan, covered it with water, and put it in the oven. My daughter over-heard her talking to a friend on the phone where she was "complaining" about needing to eat raw chicken because it was taking too long to cook and she didn't want to wait any longer. She ate the half-baked, semi-poached drumsticks. This was a roommate who did not seem open to "help" or suggestions in a number of different areas and was dangerously oblivious to basic food safety.

Exhibit D: My daughter was apparently the only person on her dorm floor who knew how to iron, so when people needed items pressed, they sought her out. They appeared amazed that she had somehow magically acquired this skill. Yes, I understand that we live in a world where most items are permanent press and irons are becoming passe, but IF you own clothing that does require ironing, then you should potentially know how to care for those items or have the foresight/ability to afford to take them out to be pressed.

Exhibit E: My daughter moved to another state to do a 6-month co-op through school. She was once again living in an apartment, caring for herself. When talking with one of her friends, the girl exclaimed, "But what do you eat????" and seemed completely beside herself when my daughter said she just cooked for herself.

Exhibit F: Just the other day, I was at Target in the cleaning products aisles. A mom was there with her college-aged daughter and the two were shopping for supplies. As they went down the rows, the mom would grab a product like a stain remover and then say to her daughter, "Now if you get a stain on your clothes, spray this on right away." They would then move to the next product, and as the product went into the cart, a description of how to use it followed.

It was this last display which prompted me to toss this/these question(s) out to the masses...

How concerned are you with providing your kids with basic life skills before they leave home? Do parents possibly assume that these things should be easy to figure out and not realize how much their kids potentially struggle when they do get out in the world? Was there anything that you wish you had learned to do before you started off on your own?

(If it matters, I feel like I fell somewhere in the middle. I didn't have a lot of experience in running a home when I moved out, so I had to work at some of the things, but I also felt like what I hadn't done much of was relatively intuitive for me and I was able to figure it out on my own or, for things like cooking, progressively develop my skills through recipes and trial and error.)

My DS is still very young so none of it has crossed my mind yet. But, I might not have known all the life skills I needed by the time I was living on my own, but my parents were only a phone call away. I often called to ask how to do something I either never learned or didn’t remember how to do. To me,that is the stranger part of your examples. Why wouldn’t those kids just call someone & ask? And, if they didn’t have anyone to ask, then maybe that’s why they didn’t know.

 

[Kitty 34]

We didn't intentionally teach our sons the BASICS on living on their own. But they must have took note when Mom and Dad did things around the house and they certainly called on recipes and other household situations when first living on their own. And guess what they are between 29 and 38 years of age (all married) and still call us for advice. I love it because it gives them an excuse to still call home a lot!!

 

[amcnj]

You guessed right! NJ!

But why send your kid out of NJ, with a car, and not teach them how?

I bet you might not even think of it since you never had to do it at home. I guess you have to hope the parents brought them out first and the drive was far enough that it required filling up in another state!

 

[amcnj]

I can answer this one! I'm from Oregon and never had a car to drive living out of state until I was post college and nowhere near my parents.

Was that article I read correct and self service is now allowed in at least some parts of Oregon?

 

[BLAZEY]

Go read it.

When moving out of state to some place new, it's pretty simple to find out about you 'new' area. Not knowing HOW to pump gas because you live in a place that doesn't allow for it, shouldn't be an excuse. If the student has a car at college, they probably drove it there. Fill it up once you cross state lines to learn how. DFIL worked at our local university housing complex and DH is a chef in the residence cafeteria, you wouldn't believe HOW entitled or oblivious students can be. Some student put their laundry bag out expecting some sort of valet laundry service! Others have damaged appliances because they put WAY too much laundry or soap in, or don't clean the lint trap. Bug infestations due to leaving dirty dishes in dorm rooms.

 

[cmarsh31]

13-year-old DS can load & unload a dishwasher, clean a bathroom (toilets, shower, etc), do laundry, make basic recipes (and currently helps with chicken parm - he's the chief chicken-breader, steak, etc), vacuum. Once he can drive, he'll learn grocery shopping and such. 10 year old DD is a little more limited by her lack of vertical stature (the washer is a very deep top-loader) but she too can clean a bathroom, sort/fold/put away laundry and make her bed with help. Finances are an on-going lesson, but we talk regularly.

My DH came to me as a college freshman unable to do any basic life tasks. I just taught him to make pancakes tonight. He's a work-in-progress

 

[Poohforyou]

My daughter was just saying that she thinks that things like completing taxes should be a required course in college...even if it was just a short one.

My college had a life skills seminar that I think was required. It covered a lot of things like budgeting, taxes, buying a car, renting an apartment.

 

[BLAZEY]

DD9 has issues reaching stuff like the washing machine bottom and buttons. The step stool is never far away!