How Honest Should I Be?

[Biscuitsmom31]

Sometimes brutal honesty is less important than protecting someone's feelings, right?

Well, my DS 10 skipped kindergarten when he was 4 years old. He was already reading on a 5th grade level. It turns out that allowing the school to move him up a grade was a huge mistake. While he's a brilliant boy with good grades, he is socially awkward and immature. He is currently in the 5th grade and is supposed to be going to Jr. High next year. My son is not ready for Jr. High. His maturity level just isn't there and those kids can be very cruel.

We've just put a contract on a new house in a new school district. I think I should tell my son that this new district doesn't allow kids to skip ahead of their age level so he is going to have to repeat 5th grade. This way he has another year to mature for Jr. High and will be back with the kids his own age. Also, he won't blame himself or feel any shame.

My DH says no way. He thinks I should be totally honest and tell him he's to immature for Jr. High so we're holding him back.

Who's right?

 

[JadenLayne]

Oh wow, that's a hard one. I see both points. I just don't know. If you tell him your holding him back will it bother him? Will it hurt his self esteem? If it will I can see why you wouldn't tell him. I honestly don't know.

 

[Cool-Beans]

I would totally go with the lie. Otherwise, he gets the impression that there is something wrong with him, when there isn't. I'd just tell him the district you are moving into covered stuff he didn't learn, so he needs to take that grade again.

But then, I was always lying to my kids. If they didn't get old enough to tell time, they'd still be running off to bed when I said, "Oh, my GOSH! It is SEVENTEEN o'clock!! You have to go to bed RIGHT NOW!!!"

They are only dumb enough to believe the lies for so long. Take advantage of it. That's my philosophy, anyway.

 

[hentob]

My DH says no way. He thinks I should be totally honest and tell him he's to immature for Jr. High so we're holding him back.

Who's right?

Your DH.

I know you are trying to protect your son, but he will find out in the future and know that you lied. Be honest with him. It is a fresh start

ETA-I would NOT use the word immature to your son.

 

[mrsv98]

Why not have a guidance counselor be the go between? Let him/her be the bad guy and then you could back him up. Have a conference and discuss the pros and cons. Let your son feel like part of the process. If he digs his heels in, you can pull the "We are doing what is best for you" card and know that at least you were honest and tried to make him a part of the decision.

I am guessing your son knows how out of place he is and will be happy to start fresh and be with kids his own age.

 

[freckles and boo]

Not knowing how sensitive your child is, it is hard to say. While I agree that the lie isn't healthy, neither is destroying his self-esteem. Isn't there a more positive way to let him know he isn't ready socially? Is he smaller than the other kids? Is the curriculum at the new elementary school designed specifically to prepare him for the Junior High in that town? Maybe you could just tell him that you want to be sure that he has the same experiences as the other kids before he gets there. I think the brutal truth will come across as a lack of faith in his abilities and he will probably carry it with him for a long time. My nephew repeated kindergarten and he is still upset about it. He is ten.

 

[SleepyMom]

If I were in your position I think I would talk to my child and see how they feel about going to Jr High next year. He may agree that he's not ready and welcome the chance to start at another school in 5th grade again, or he may feel he is ready. Having him help in the decision will make it a lot easier I would think.

 

[ilovejack02]

I have to say Im with DH on this one as hard as that conversation is going to be. Just assure him no one will know!!! I babysat two little girls last yr. The oldest was in 5th and she repeated it again this yr, her parents decided she needed to gain some maturity. I talked to her mom the other day and she said it was the best decision they ever made. She is doing so much better! They told her upfront about it and she was mad but eventually got over it.


Thank you for confirming my decision not to send my 4 yr old on to kindergarten this year!!!!

PS if he is doing so well in school is the new school going to be challenging enough so he isnt bored out of his mind.. which can cause other issues?

 

[joshsmom]

Its really possible that your son might feel relief to repeat the grade. He may notice that he's not as socially developed as his classmates and it may be a stress to him. OTOH, he could be oblivious.

I wouldn't lie to him. I like the idea of involving him in the process, but you know what the end result is going to be: he's repeating 5th grade. It may be easier to discuss this with him with the third party present--i.e. the guidance counselor. If he really doesn't want to repeat the grade, it may be tough for him to swallow at first, but not as bad as finding out he was lied to.

 

[Saphire]

I think your DH is right about being honest. But I also agree with hentob, I don't think you should tell him he is "immature". There are many ways to tell him the truth without hurting his self-esteem. Perhaps speaking with a guidance councelor to get some ideas will help.

 

[teacherforhi]

I agree with letting your son help make the decision.

I've had several students over the years who I didn't feel were ready to go to high school for maturity reasons. I called the parents in and we all sat down with the student and discussed the pros and cons of staying in middle school another year and continuing on to high school.

I think the most important part is to outline what types of behaviors you feel your son needs before he goes on to middle school. Don't leave him guessing as to what he's doing "wrong"; give him a clear path to follow for the next year.

I definitely would lie to him. One day, he will find out and probably be more upset then than he would now.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Have you ever seen the movie 'Almost Famous'? You should rent it!

 

[bbangel]

Best thing to do is involve your son in the decision. Present him with the options and the pros and cons of both.
We are moving and you have some choices. You can move to junior high and be around older kids (and present some of the problems you may see with that). Or you can go into a 5th grade class. You may have to repeat work that you did this year, but you would be with kids closer to your own age.
What you see as immaturity in him may in fact be a result of deeper issues that gifted kids can have. I went into school early and my social issues had nothing to do with my age and everything to do with how I perceived the world and how others perceived me. Have you talked to a school counsellor about him? They may be able to give you some help on what might be best for him.
One major concern I would have if he repeats grade 5 is he may be very bored. Bored kids can find all kinds of ways to get in trouble!

 

[rie'smom]

Be honest. When he moves to the new school, don't you think he'll either hear about kids who skipped grades or he may make a comment himself. He could look like a liar and catch hell from the kids. Honesty is the best policy.

 

[mamacatnv]

I agree with your DH - time to have the "your just not ready yet" speech and this move is the perfect opportunity to adjust. You may find that your son will be relieved to be able to hang with kids his own age.

This way he will be on same level for driving, dating, after school/summer jobs etc as the rest of his classmates.

Good luck - such a tough call

 

[beagle744]

I think you should tell DS the truth but work with the guidance counselor to proceed in a way that will protect your son's self-esteem.

I think if you give your son the wrong information, your son may repeat this misinformation and may be told that there is no such policy by an unsuspecting school staff member. This could hurt him more in the end than being upfront in the first place.

 

[elizke]

We just went trhough something similar (see my thread here...

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1250563

I think the outright lie is alittle much, but the plain truth is rather harsh and demoralizing.

I think instead of "you are too immature", talking about how much better he'll fit in with friends is also true, and kinder. Does he play with younger kids a lot like my son? DS was actually relieved (after he got over the initial upset) that he could more easily play with younger kids and fit in better.

We stressed how WE had made a mistake (even though he was old enough to start. In our case we should have had him start late just because he was immature...) and that we were fixing it now and he'd be where he belonged.

We did mention that things arealso done differently in the new school district, but just as an aside and did not really say that was a reason. It just sort of reminds him that a new district is alittle intimidating and this will give him a needed edge.

We went to a chorus program last week, and my DH and I just felt so good seeing him up there for the first time in a group of classmates where he looked like he belonged. After all of the worry and indecision, it was a moment of clarity that we'd done the right thing.

Hope all goes well for your family. It's tough but really I think too much is made over the whole grade thing and there should be no shame. It's more important that he's where he belongs.

 

[daisyduck123]

Definitely don't lie to your son about this.
It will catch up with you later if you do.

(This is coming from a mom whose DD skipped 1st grade ).

 

[poohandwendy]

Don't lie to him. Your lie is a very easy one to figure out and then he will REALLY think there is something seriously wrong with him, because you lied.

I am all about honesty. It doesn't have to be brutal, just express your concerns. You really might be surprised, he may be relieved (as others have mentioned) Definitely talk to the school counsellor about the best way to talk about it with your son.

 

[mookie]

Okay, there are two sides to this, and I can see both points.

On one hand, if you are honest about the situation, it could make your son think there is something truly wrong with him, and might actually make the situation worse. Remember, YOU held him back, when he couldn't make his own decision....so it might be hard for him to have to be the one to decide now.

Lying to him probably won't hurt as much, but on the other hand, if you are teaching your son about honesty and respect, this might come into play if he ever finds out you lied to him. If you are prepared to cross that bridge when you come to it, I say go for the lie. I think it might be too hard for your son to understand that you are holding him back because he's "immature." He'll see it as punishment, instead of something you are doing for his own good.