How Honest Should I Be?

[LadyyRedd]

I wouldn't lie because what if you do, then get there and he meets others who have skipped grades in that school system or finds out that you CAN skip grades? He'll be crushed.

Kimya

 

[tiggerlover]

As many have already said, I would not lie to him, it would only do more harm than good in the long run. With that said, I would meet with his current teachers and guidance counsellor and ask their guidance as well as witht he guidance department at the new school to see what their recommendations are. Holding back an intelligent child is a hard call because you risk your child being bored with material he has already learned which could lead to behavior issues. Perhaps there are some programs the school could recommend for the summer to help build your DS's confidence and social skills? Maybe your community offers some sort of program that would be beneficial. Having a child enter 6th grade and middle school is a scary prospect, mine will be going in September, but be sure the choice you make really has DS's best interests in mind and not what you "think" is best for him. I have a very good friend who had her DS skip a grade, he is in 6th grade now and just turned 11, he is the youngest in the class and for the longest time the most immature, but this year in middle school he seems to finally be coming into his own. DF worried for the longest time that she made the wrong decision, but now it seems like it all worked itself out. Good luck to you and your DH, this is a very hard decision to make. {{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[KikiFan]

Another vote against lying. Definitely try to frame it in a way that will make him feel better.

I'm going to go out on a limb here. OP I understand your concerns about the immaturity. I've dealt with the same issues with my daughter. I've been told that it's a really common thing that the kids that are intellectually very smart are typically emotionally immature. I can understand wanting to protect him from the older kids. But I wonder what it will do to him being bored intellectually? I can only speak from my own experience, but I know my daughter always gets in so much more trouble when she's bored. Smart bored kids = kids in trouble in my experience. In the long run you might have a bigger problem on your hands.

Have you considered any options? Is it possible to homeschool him for a year? Or is it possible to keep him in 5th grade but at a T.A.G. school? or maybe even 6th grade. I've found that T.A.G. student tend to be a good bunch of kids and more tolerant of kids that don't fit into the cookie cutter. Maybe that would be something he'd go for?

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

You should not lie to him. I agree with someone that said to have a guidance person there from the school?

 

[Disney Doll]

We have friends who live in Ohio who have a daughter who skipped a grade and then when she was moving from Junior High to High School, they did what they called an "enrichment" year, where they home-schooled her, she & her mother travelled quite a bit (mom travelled for her job and was able to take the daughter with her most of the time). The parents felt the same way you did...that while intelligence-wise she was able to do the work, maturity-wise she was not ready for HS. That extra year made a huge difference, she was still learning so she kept up to the curriculum. Would you be able to do something like that?

I wouldn't outright lie to him. But you could tell him that you and his father would like him to repeat 5th grade in the new school district so that he goes into junior high next year with a "base" of friends that he has had for a year already, because you feel that having that "base" will make him enjoy the junior high and high school years more. And I'd be prepared to be enriching him with other work, I'd tell his teachers that he is smart but immature and will need extra direction in class, especially if he gets bored...perhaps they can be prepared with extra assignments of interest to your DS that he can work on if he finishes classwork sooner than everyone else. I agree with keeping him busy. Perhaps the teachers can also encourage his leadership ability. Maybe he can tutor younger kids...build some self-esteem.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I am concerned about possible behavior problems with him being bored going through the same grade again. However, boredom is not as big a concern for me as him being tormented daily by the Jr. High kids.

He has a very fragile ego and is already struggling with self esteem issues. The one thing he has confidence in is that he is intelligent. I don't want to shoot that one down too. I want him to know it has nothing to do with his grades or how smart he is. He just needs some extra time.

I honestly believe the worst thing I could do is to send him to Jr. High and hope for the best.

I'm thinking of framing it like this, "In this district they really like to have kids with their own age group, instead of fighting with them about it, dad and I have decided it may be the best thing for you." Then I could go into all of the positives of being with his own age group.

I'm wondering why the kids in Jr. High would torment him? Has he faced any of this already? If so how was it handled by him and school administrators?

How does he handle academic requirements? Does he stay on task, complete assignments, and hand them in on a timely basis? Does he need a lot of reminders/coaching?

 

[HeatherH]

I could ask my son what he wants but I already know. He wants to go to Jr. High. Part of his immaturity is his inability to realistically predict consequences. He want's what he wants when and how he wants it. He's definitely not one to carefully weigh the facts and make a sound choice.

He still baby talks with his stuffed animals. He is immature even among is own age group. I realize that one year isn't going to solve everything but it's certainly better than sending him now.

He is brilliant acedemically but stunted in other areas. He is unofficially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. However, with his new medication he has improved by leaps and bounds in the last year.

Semantics, I know, but here 6th grade, if it is not a K-6 school, is MIDDLE SCHOOL (6-8) , not junior high (7-8), two totally different animals. Junior high is MUCH like high school in structure; middle school is more of an elementary/high school hybrid. BIG difference in expectations socially and structurally.

As others have said, DO NOT lie to your child. You mention your son has possible issues, yet his is extremely bright...I have a child exactly like that. Socially immature yet academically VERY gifted. Holding her back would have been a TRAVESTY for her. She has received outside supports for her issues, and is now about to enter high school and doing extremely well, both academically and socially.

Have you had your son evaluated by the school district? Does he have an IEP? I think with the PROPER SUPPORT SYSTEM through the school he could do very, very well in his regular grade. If you hold him back he may be EXTREMELY bored to cover the same curriculum, and that could cause even MORE social issues.

I think it's time to deal with the social problems as a separate issue, and keep him ACADEMICALLY where he belongs. There are a myriad of resources out there to help you.

Good luck to your family!

 

[unbroken chain]

He probably belongs in a magnet school/gifted program. Is one available in the new school district? A LOT of gifted kids (that I've seen, anyway) are what might be called socially immature, although I think it's more socially unaware. They just do their own thing and aren't tuned in to others' reactions so much. He'd probably fit in well there.

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

He probably belongs in a magnet school/gifted program. Is one available in the new school district? A LOT of gifted kids (that I've seen, anyway) are what might be called socially immature, although I think it's more socially unaware. They just do their own thing and aren't tuned in to others' reactions so much. He'd probably fit in well there.

I've tried the magnet schools already. I have a little stack of rejection letters. He has a 3.8 gpa and advanced test scores but we have to turn in teacher recommendations with the applications. They come in sealed envelopes, but I can pretty much guess what they say...

For those that asked, he does very well on his work but you basically have to pin it to his shirt to get it to school and turned in. Even then, he's likely to come home with it pinned to his shirt because he forgot it was there.

I don't think people are getting just how immature and challenged he is. It isn't something a few summer programs can fix.

I wish I could home school him for a year but DH and I both work full time and it isn't a viable option right now.

I'm coming around to being honest with him. I'm just going to have to go about it with some help. I also really like the idea of having his new teacher give him some extra work and other challenges to keep his mind busy.

Parenting is so hard. I've made a lot of mistakes along the way. I fear that if I send him to Jr. High next year he's going to end up with a bad crowd because he won't fit in anywhere. Then he'll end up doing self-destructive things trying to be accepted. I've seen it happen many times.

 

[darlak]

My son is now 22. I had a similar decision to make, but made it much earlier. I choose to have him repeat kindergarten. While he was far ahead of his classmates academically, he lagged behind them socially. At that age, I just told him that some kids go to kindergarten once and other kids go two years. He accepted my lie easily enough. The school did not make it easy for me to do this. I had to take my fight to the Board of Ed., but I did get my way in the end. At 22, my son is a bright, witty young man. He thinks I was wrong to have him repeat. I still think I was right. I do know this...he made few friends that first year in kindergarten. The second year, he found his own small niche of friends, who he remains close to even today. I should note that 2 of my 4 children are gifted. One, my daughter, is very "social" with a hugh circle of friends. My son, on the other hand, has a small but close group of friends (most of them are also gifted and just a tad geeky, like him). Teachers always realize right away that my daughter is gifted, but most other people don't. Now in the 7th grade, she begged me to allow her to not receive gifted services this year. I stood firm. She doesn't want to be different at 13, but my hope is that as she matures, she will celebrate those things which make her special, like the odd fact that she can tell you the gestation period of every species of shark. All this to say... my son now accepts that he is different. He doesn't think he's better or worse, but realizes he's different and that most people know he's different. He talks over most peoples heads and never realizes that they ("they" often includes me) aren't quite sure what he talking about. His life has not been without missteps, but he seems to have finally found a path he can walk. He dropped out of college after one semester, wanting to be a carpenter since it "was good enough for Jesus". True enough. Unfortunately, my son had NO appitute for carpentry! He is now back in college. He came to us with his plan to return to school and said that he was going to pay for it himself, since we now (3 years after he dropped out) have another daughter in college. He did have to move back home in order to be able to afford it, but is now much more motivated to make the grades he is capable of making. My advice it this; parenting is hard, educate yourself as much as possible on the job at hand, say a prayer, and take your best shot. You're not likely to make as many mistakes as I have, yet in spite of those, my son has become someone I like as well as love. One other thing, if at some later date, you ever feel he might need counseling, you should know that there are counselors that specialize in counseling gifted children. Our's was a Godsend when my son was 16.

 

[mcco5543]

I'm a teacher and I agree. Have a meeting with teachers/guidance counselors ..INCLUDE your child. And if need be. pull the "We're doing what we think is best for you" card. He'll be hurt and mad at you know and love you for it later. ..Even if it's much later.

Whatever you do. Don't lie. Because eventually someday as an adult he'll find out you lied and it may not matter to him that you were trying to "save him from being hurt" It will however matter that you lied. And that's a whole other type of hurt to deal with.

I also agree this is ALL in how you say it. I understand your reasoning for giving your son an extra year to grow and learn as a student and as a growing young man in the social world of school, and I as a teacher I applaude you for recognizing your son's potential limitations socially speaking. So SO many parents REFUSE to aknowledge something like this. So even though it's hard ..GOOD FOR YOU!!!
You CAN be honest and kind at the same time. And your son will greatly benefit~

 

[Tink&SquirtsMom]

He probably belongs in a magnet school/gifted program. Is one available in the new school district? A LOT of gifted kids (that I've seen, anyway) are what might be called socially immature, although I think it's more socially unaware. They just do their own thing and aren't tuned in to others' reactions so much. He'd probably fit in well there.

This is along the lines of what I was thinking. Many gifted children are socially awkward and it has little to do with age/maturity. Although I do think social confidence and emotional well being is as important, if not more important than academic sucess, you are not guaranteeing him emotional/social well being just by holding him back. In 5th all the kids will have well established friends and your son will be the "new kid" and with already established social awkwardness thats probably not a good mix. At least in junior high it would be a new school for all the kids. I personally would seek out a charter or magnet school, preferably one with mixed age classrooms. He is more likely to find people he can relate to with less separation by age. We chose a charter for different reasons (my daughter is socially fine and struggles academically) but I am very involved in the school and have seen some very gifted kids come in and just socially and academically bloom in the mixed environment.


EDITED TO ADD: Sorry I just saw your post above mine about the magnet schools. Thats too bad. I hope you do find something. It is a tough decision to be sure!

 

[darlak]

For those that asked, he does very well on his work but you basically have to pin it to his shirt to get it to school and turned in. Even then, he's likely to come home with it pinned to his shirt because he forgot it was there.

I don't think people are getting just how immature and challenged he is. It isn't something a few summer programs can fix.

I think I know this child...he used to be my son! When my son was in the band and went to a band competition, I always had to go to the school and pick him up to take him. All the other band kids heard the announcement to get on the bus...not my son. He couldn't figure out a paperbox...just kept putting the money in and "pushing that button" (coin return button) He never had money in his lunch account...but often had lots of money and checks in his bookbag! This kid doesn't march to a different drummer...he's marching to the violin!

You can keep him from getting bored if you hold him back. Find other areas he's interested in and let him explore those. The one year that will be easy for him academically, he may be able to focus on social skills.

No one loves him like you do; follow your heart.

Darla

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

This kid doesn't march to a different drummer...he's marching to the violin!
Darla

Yep. That's him.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would just tell him that you are not ready for Jr. high and this will be an opportunity for you to make friends without the pressure of difficult school work too.

 

[MareQ]

I can see both sides but IMO you should never lie so you can get out of feeling bad about making a tough decision.

I think you should ask DS how he would feel about repeating 5th gradeMaybe it's not something he's interested in at all. How would you handle him being completely bored academically?

It's a tough position to be in - but I think being open and honest is the best way to go.

 

[Crankyshank]

I was your son and was pushed ahead (although I didn't skip a grade) because I was at a very advanced reading level as a kindergartener. I wish my parents held me back a year because my social maturity just wasn't there.

I would make an appt with the guidance counselor and all go together. Be honest with your son and tell him you don't think he's ready for such a big step, especially in a strange new school district. Jr high isn't a good situation in a new school district when you're not quite there in maturity.

 

[Nancyg56]

I'm a teacher and I agree. Have a meeting with teachers/guidance counselors ..INCLUDE your child. And if need be. pull the "We're doing what we think is best for you" card. He'll be hurt and mad at you know and love you for it later. ..Even if it's much later.

Whatever you do. Don't lie. Because eventually someday as an adult he'll find out you lied and it may not matter to him that you were trying to "save him from being hurt" It will however matter that you lied. And that's a whole other type of hurt to deal with.

I also agree this is ALL in how you say it. I understand your reasoning for giving your son an extra year to grow and learn as a student and as a growing young man in the social world of school, and I as a teacher I applaude you for recognizing your son's potential limitations socially speaking. So SO many parents REFUSE to aknowledge something like this. So even though it's hard ..GOOD FOR YOU!!!
You CAN be honest and kind at the same time. And your son will greatly benefit~

I am in the be honest camp. My oldest son is brilliant. His test scores were in the stratosphere, but to this day he is a bit awkward socially, and we can't even discuss how his common sense seems. I wish that I had held him back and given his emotional growth a chance to catch up with his intellectual groth. He had a hard time with his peers and while some of it was because he really was socially inept, some was because he was emotionally younger than the kids he went to school with.

I think that given the opportunity to be included in the discussion, your son may surprise you with his choices, I'm sure that on some level he understands where he is at this point and would appreciate the chance to share his concerns with you, and to understand that while you are so proud of his academic achievements, you want his school years to be happy ones. His grades are not the only important goal you have for him and that your pride is in him as your son, not the grade level he is in.


My son is one of the brightest men I know. He is still forgets things that others would do as a matter of course. I think that sometimes when one is gifted in one area, another may suffer. Maybe this is something you and your son will need to see about and then learn to compensate. Either way, best of luck to all of your family. Your son is blessed that you are looking to his well being rather than his grade standing.

 

[disykat]

I think it's important to remember than he is NOT being held back. He is simply being returned to his original group. There is no need to go into the "not ready", "immature", etc. etc.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ask him what he wants! Others are right - maybe he is feeling left out socially & doesn't know how to tell you. Many years ago, my school suggested that I skip a grade. My mom was so proud, she didn't think of anything else, other than being able to say, "Well MY daughter..." It was my dad that pointed out that we go to school to learn more things than just the 3 R's. It's tough being a "gifted" child. Sometimes people (parents, teachers, relatives, etc) lose sight of everything but how smart the kid is, & it's hard to say "But I just want to be a kid!" when the child wants to keep pleasing people who matter.

WOW, excellent post.

This would be my exact advice to one recent thread where the parents were being pushed to put their young DD in an advanced program.