How Honest Should I Be?

[BabyPiglet]

Most defiantly do not lie to him. Do you know how hurt he will be when he finds out? I think that if he is not socially ready now, then he won't be in another year. That is the truth. I say let him go ahead to Junior High and hope for the best. Lying is not an option and do not tell him he is immature or socially awkward. If you are going to lie, lie about that.

Think about it from his point of view, I would be distraught if my parents told me that. Then I really wouldn't be able to make friends.

 

[Nennie]

I see nothing wrong with telling him that you don't want him to have to deal with making friends when he's the youngest in the class, etc. It'll be easier if the kids are his own age.

One year does make a HUGE difference when kids are that age. I skipped 2nd grade, and by 6th grade, I was emotionally behind the other girls in my grade. They were all "boy crazy" and I was still playing with barbies! LOL! By highschool, I caught up emotionally, but was still the last person to get my driver's license in highschool. I started college when I was 17, and was the last one to turn 21, etc. Looking back, I would have preferred to be the same age as my classmates.

As such, I think you are doing the right thing by holding him back, so that he'll be the same age as his classmates, which will *** to his emotional development, and making friends in his new school.

Best of luck!

 

[slimplaw]

Your son may be feeling pressure about going on to Jr High and not voicing his concern. My own son was held back in an early elementary grade and he is the one who spoke up about not wanting to advance when we had been struggling with the decision.
You could present the idea to him that along with the move, he could have the chance to return to the grade level with his own age kids. Discuss the positives such as he could establish himself as a leader in class since he has already experienced 5th grade. This would also give him a chance to bond with a smaller group of kids and form friendships before going on to Jr High. More than likely, in Jr High they will change classes every 50 to 60 minutes and unless he is involved in a sport or music class, it will be more difficult to get to know kids.
Your son probably knows he is having trouble socially. It does seem to get more difficult as those who are younger advance with their classmates.
Good luck in your family's decision.

 

[dolcezena]

Ask him what he wants! Others are right - maybe he is feeling left out socially & doesn't know how to tell you. Many years ago, my school suggested that I skip a grade. My mom was so proud, she didn't think of anything else, other than being able to say, "Well MY daughter..." It was my dad that pointed out that we go to school to learn more things than just the 3 R's. It's tough being a "gifted" child. Sometimes people (parents, teachers, relatives, etc) lose sight of everything but how smart the kid is, & it's hard to say "But I just want to be a kid!" when the child wants to keep pleasing people who matter.

 

[disneygirl725]

Well. I personally was held back. But not in the 5th grade. I was held back in Kindergarten. I was always told I was too small to get on the bus! Years later I found it its because I was too immature. Granted that's a big difference between K and grade 5.

At the new school, is Jr High 6th or 7th grade. It differs sometimes.

All that being said, I would wouldn't lie to him. But I would put it to him in a kind way, so that it doesn't bruise his ego.

 

[Anewman]

I would not LIE, but you dont have to be brutally honest either.

The truth is you dont think he is ready for the 5th grade, you can leave out that part where you call him immature. We as parents dont owe the kids an explanation on everything.

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

I am concerned about possible behavior problems with him being bored going through the same grade again. However, boredom is not as big a concern for me as him being tormented daily by the Jr. High kids.

He has a very fragile ego and is already struggling with self esteem issues. The one thing he has confidence in is that he is intelligent. I don't want to shoot that one down too. I want him to know it has nothing to do with his grades or how smart he is. He just needs some extra time.

I honestly believe the worst thing I could do is to send him to Jr. High and hope for the best.

I'm thinking of framing it like this, "In this district they really like to have kids with their own age group, instead of fighting with them about it, dad and I have decided it may be the best thing for you." Then I could go into all of the positives of being with his own age group.

 

[Anewman]

If I could go back in time I would actually hold both of my kids back a year.

For social and sports reasons. Also the way it is now, they will graduate at 17 and turn 18 a few weeks afterwards. If I knew then what I know now, I would rather they were 18 their entire senior year of high school and go away to college at 19. My son's principal in middle school was trying to talk me into accelerating him a year, I made sure it did not happen so they moved his class schedule around but he stayed(on paper) in his own grade.

 

[horseshowmom]

My DD was also a grade ahead. When I switched her to homeschooling at the end of 4th grade, I decided to redo 4th grade for two reasons:
1) I wasn't happy with her math progress (and how she had started to develop an intense dislike for math).
2) She would have been graduating at 16 (and I felt it was in her better interest to be a year older).

At the time, she wasn't too thrilled with doing 4th grade over (particularly since she was an A student). I explained my reasons to her and told her that I felt this was in her best interest, and I had to do what I felt was best for her.

In your child's case, some of his self esteem issues may have come from having to constantly deal with older children when he wasn't mature enough to start with. It may have been a strain on him that he didn't even recognize.

I wouldn't lie about it. I would just tell him what I honestly thought (although I do agree with being careful about exactly how you phrase it).

Good luck!

 

[disykat]

I would just tell him you want to put him with the kids his own age and that puts him in grade five again.

I don't think it has to be any kind of immature or not ready issue. He is a full year younger than the other kids. You've simply decided that it would be better for him to be with kids his own age and this was a great opportunity to do it. There's no shame involved. He's very smart and now that he's older he will have more academic opportunities so he can be back with his own peers.

If you need to go further into it:

You can remind him that you didn't want him to have to go hours of skill building that he already had so you moved him forward. Now that he's older, he can challenge himself in his own reading, writing, etc. so putting him with his peers is better now. I'd look into programs for advanced kids (if he is still advanced). I now we had a few kids in our district that bused to the junior high for math.

 

[LoriMistress]

Why don't you ask your child what HE wants to do? Your kid is extremely smart. Lying to him will only hold a grudge against you. Find out what's important to your kid: socialising or education. Maybe, regardless if your child completely fits in with the older students, he might feel more comfortable with them on a intellectual level, and doesn't care for kids around his age.

 

[disykat]

I'm continuing my post from above, because something is wacky and it wouldn't let me type anymore!

You can also explain to him that with college, driving, dating, etc. looming you felt it would be better to have him with the kids his age. Make sure he understands it's not about not measuring up, it's about being with kids his age.

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm continuing my post from above, because something is wacky and it wouldn't let me type anymore!

You can also explain to him that with college, driving, dating, etc. looming you felt it would be better to have him with the kids his age. Make sure he understands it's not about not measuring up, it's about being with kids his age.

All very good points and this is the perfect time to make adjustments...

 

[Hollister]

tell him he needs more time to build up A LOT of self esteem.
im in 9th and middle school was brutal. some people can be so cruel
im not saying he has low self esteem but everyone gets verbally bashed once or twice in middle school.

 

[poohandwendy]

I am concerned about possible behavior problems with him being bored going through the same grade again. However, boredom is not as big a concern for me as him being tormented daily by the Jr. High kids.

He has a very fragile ego and is already struggling with self esteem issues. The one thing he has confidence in is that he is intelligent. I don't want to shoot that one down too. I want him to know it has nothing to do with his grades or how smart he is. He just needs some extra time.

I honestly believe the worst thing I could do is to send him to Jr. High and hope for the best.

I'm thinking of framing it like this, "In this district they really like to have kids with their own age group, instead of fighting with them about it, dad and I have decided it may be the best thing for you." Then I could go into all of the positives of being with his own age group.

Then why don't you tell him exactly that? You say he is a smart kid, he will figure out the lie and he also can understand reason enough to get what you are saying, if you present it the way you have here.

I think lying to him will backfire and could harm his self-esteem even further because he will think you do not think he can handle the truth.

JMHO

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

I could ask my son what he wants but I already know. He wants to go to Jr. High. Part of his immaturity is his inability to realistically predict consequences. He want's what he wants when and how he wants it. He's definitely not one to carefully weigh the facts and make a sound choice.

He still baby talks with his stuffed animals. He is immature even among is own age group. I realize that one year isn't going to solve everything but it's certainly better than sending him now.

He is brilliant acedemically but stunted in other areas. He is unofficially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. However, with his new medication he has improved by leaps and bounds in the last year.

 

[poohandwendy]

I could ask my son what he wants but I already know. He wants to go to Jr. High. Part of his immaturity is his inability to realistically predict consequences. He want's what he wants when and how he wants it. He's definitely not one to carefully weigh the facts and make a sound choice.

He still baby talks with his stuffed animals. He is immature even among is own age group. I realize that one year isn't going to solve everything but it's certainly better than sending him now.

He is brilliant acedemically but stunted in other areas. He is unofficially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. However, with his new medication he has improved by leaps and bounds in the last year.

Ok, so I get what you are saying, but why make up a story? Why can't you tell him that YOU and your DH just simply do not think he is ready? Not because he isn't smart, but because he is not emotionally ready yet. Why can't you say you regret allowing him to skip ahead and now is the perfect time to blend him back into the age group he is most likely to be comfortable with?

Lies always come full circle and when that happens the result is often not too pretty. I think there are a hundred things that you can say that do not involve making up a bogus story about the school policy.

Remember, if you make up a story about this, it is likely he will be passing that story off as the truth to kids in his new school. You really could be setting him up to having egg on his face.

 

[dolcezena]

I could ask my son what he wants but I already know. He wants to go to Jr. High.

Does he want to go to Jr High because he thinks that he'll be "bored" academically? Or because he doesn't want to repeat? Or he feels like he'd be letting you down if he doesn't stay "advanced?"

Sorry about the questions! I certainly didn't know what they heck I wanted out of a life until....well, I'm still not sure I do!

Anyway, are there any clubs/after school programs that might interest him if you kept him out of Jr High? That might be a good carrot to dangle!

 

[Alyssa88]

I am not a parent, so I can not offer any first hand experience.

I was, however, a year ahead in school like your son. I always loved it, I think I got extra attention as the "baby" of the class(I think there may be a difference though with boys and girls), but there were some times it was difficult. For example, I never had friends my own age, they were always a year older, and they went through things earlier. Sometimes I felt a little left out. When my friends were boy crazy, I still just wanted to play dodgeball. My friends were allowed to go out with friends or dates before me, they could dirve before me, etc. The one thing I have always liked was that I was going through things earlier than girls my age. I had my first kiss and first dance with a boy when I was 10 years old, in sixth grade (much to Dad's dissaproval, lol) I never missed out on anything major, and I had a wonderful chilhood, but I definitely understand your concern. I know my mom would agree with your choice. She always felt that what was right for me was that I be academically challenged, but the day I move to college she actually told me that she felt that i missed a year of my childhood, and that if I wanted to stay home another year I could. I was 17, and she was scared, but it worked out for me. She still says she wished she had me for that extra year.


I wouldn't lie to him though. I would sit him down and explain your concerns, tell him there is nothing wrong with him, but that you feel he may be happier socially. Ask him what he thinks, make sure he feels that his opinion is valued. You may find that he agrees with you.

 

[Hedy]

Honestly? I know you have his best interest in mind, but it seems really unfair to your son to keep on yo-yoing him around in grades due to what he seems ready for this particular year. I think that letting him go to junior high (if it's what he wants) might be the best course of action.