How do you really know ...

[EeyoreEma]

when you're done having children? We have 2 wonderful, sweet kids and 3 angels waiting for us in heaven. When I got pregnant with my 3rd angel, dh and I decided it was the end of the line for us - whether I miscarried again or not. I just feel like now I'm grieving even more - not just the loss of this child, but also the loss of ever being pregnant, giving birth, etc again. I don't think I could go through another miscarriage, as each gets harder for me to deal with. There are plenty of good reasons why stopping at 2 is a good thing for our family. But I'm still so sad. I really am not sure that I could go through another loss, and I know dh doesn't want to face another loss. So I'm trying to remind myself of that. I guess it's time to close the chapter on that part of our lives, but I guess it's harder than I thought it would be.

 

[minkydog]

You know, I felt the same way. Although we eventually had 3 kids, we endured years of infertility and a miscarriage. I had my last child, Christian, at age 40. Unfortunately, Christian is profoundly mentally handicapped(not an age-related thing, though.) That pretty much did it for my husband. I really wanted one more, you know, to finish "right." Sorry, that's just how I felt, like I had gotten it wrong or I was defective or something. However, DH felt very strongly that he could not go through it again, *especially* if the next child had special needs. To say I was upset would be an understatement. I was devastated.

It took me a long time to reconcile not having another baby. DH had a vasectomy(against my will) and life went on. Five years after Christian was born DH was diagnosed with a brain tumor(benign) and two years later he became completely disabled with a heart-lung disease. So, in the end it was truly the right thing for us to NOT have another baby. It's about all we can do to care for Christian on a daily basis. At least the older two(23 & 16) can take care of themselves.

Now I"m 53. I don't think about having more children anymore. Sometimes I find myself wistful for those days when the kids were small, when they thought I was the delight of their life(yep, that's the first thing to go~), when a bottle of glue and some popsicles sticks could provide about 3 hours of fun. I intensely miss those days, but hopefully there will be grandchildren eventually. For now, I content myself with working in an elementary school as a school nurse. The salary is crap but I get paid dailiy in hugs and smiles.

 

[stashbin]

I have 2 beautiful, healthy kids. Recently I had a tubal and a uterine ablation done (bad periods). I didn't want anymore kids and neither did my husband. But there was something so finite about this procedure it had me re-evaluating my decision for more children. It took me about a year to go ahead and have the procedure done. Maybe it's a woman thing. Knowing that you CAN'T have anymore.

 

[iwrbnd]

I have 4 kids and completely love my family but I have to say there are times I envy my friends with just 2 kids. They can do so much more with their family then we can with ours. Time, money and space is ALWAYS an issue! Look on the bright side with your sweet family and all the things you'll be able to do!

 

[emer95]

I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm sure that colors the way you look at life and every decision you make.
I have two kids and I have longed for a 3rd for 9 years. We're pretty sure we won't have another (youngest is 9) for many reasons. I needed to undergo infertility treatment to get pregnant the first two times, which is financially and emotionally difficult (and physically), my husband thinks being a family of 4 is easier, there would be a huge age gap between the 2nd and 3rd kids, etc.
But I don't know for sure. I think my heart will always yearn for that number 3. I can picture that baby. I know its name. I love him or her already.

I wish you the best. As you already know, this is a very tough decision.

 

[tonilea]

It is a terribly difficult decision. Our first pregnancy was a molar pregnancy, then nine long years of IF and we finally got pg w/ DS. Two years ago we were very unexpectedly pregnant w/ twins. Sadly we lost them at six and twelve weeks. We tried to get pregnant again, but no luck.

Just in the last couple of months, we have decided it is time to give up. Our ages certainly factor in, but also I am going to be a full time student in the fall. Still, it is so hard to give up on the dream. And in a sense, that is what I am really mourning, yes the loss of our babies, but also the hope of having another.

 

[pearlieq]

I guess it's time to close the chapter on that part of our lives, but I guess it's harder than I thought it would be.

That's really, really normal. Some people know when they are "done" and never look back, but a lot of people experiece grief when they choose to stop having kids, even if it really is what they want.

Life transitions almost always cause a twinge--it doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do or that there's anything wrong with your decision.

 

[sunlver]

I am done, but do NOT want to be done. I have 3 children. I had the first 2 without any problems..Then, I had 4 miscarriages in a row ...it was the worse time of my life, the lowest point in my life. With the help of an RE, we went on to have a 3rd and named her "Faith". Faith is now 5 yrs old. My husband only wanted 2, but went along with a 3rd...He got a vasectomy done a couple months after Faith was born. I would LOVE to have more kids, I loved being pregnant(didnt love the miscarriages), loved he healthy pregnancies..I loved everything about it, loved the new babies, sitting home and rocking them for hours on end, kissing their sweet little baby heads...

I am 45 years old now, in the medical world, they consider that old to be having babies, more miscarriage rate, more problems in general..BUT, if I could be pregnant now and have another baby I would love it. My birth certificate states I am 45, but feel 25 in my heart and head

 

[dogluva]

I knew I was not done after I had three. I went on to have four, might have been done but became unexpectantly pregnant again when my fourth was six months. I did not even think about getting "fixed". I knew I was not done for some reason. I had an ectopic pregnancy that resulted in the loss of a tube. I still didn't feel done even though I almost died. I eventually did get pregnant again with number six. I remember thinking when I read the pregnancy test "I am done after this". I made sure the doctor knew I was 100 percent sure and to do a tubal. He asked me a few more times during visits and I always knew that I was done. So I did it and I have not regretted it at all. Yes, it took me six times to feel done but I am done. I know that part of my life is over and I am really enjoying more freedom. My mother said I would know and I truely did (only after number six!). My daughter is turning seven on Friday and I have not regrets.

 

[Mamu]

when you're done having children? We have 2 wonderful, sweet kids and 3 angels waiting for us in heaven. When I got pregnant with my 3rd angel, dh and I decided it was the end of the line for us - whether I miscarried again or not. I just feel like now I'm grieving even more - not just the loss of this child, but also the loss of ever being pregnant, giving birth, etc again. I don't think I could go through another miscarriage, as each gets harder for me to deal with. There are plenty of good reasons why stopping at 2 is a good thing for our family. But I'm still so sad. I really am not sure that I could go through another loss, and I know dh doesn't want to face another loss. So I'm trying to remind myself of that. I guess it's time to close the chapter on that part of our lives, but I guess it's harder than I thought it would be.

I know this is a tough decision, I saw my DIL go through this. She had 2 and decided to try for another. After 3 very sad miscarriages I though she would never try again. Yet 2 years ago I noticed her getting a little wide. After a long talk, I realized she needed to try one more time. Well Joseph was born on December 30, 2008.

 

[mjkacmom]

I feel very blessed that I became pregnant with twins after thinking I was done. My feeling of "doneness" is much different now than before I had them. Sure, I wish I could do it all over again, but I don't have any desire to have another. If I was given the choice to live one year over again, it would be the first year with my oldest. I envy first-time moms.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

With me, I just *know.* I'm done. Done done done. I went through he** and back with infertility and a miscarriage, and apparently my body doesn't like me being pregnant. I'm not one of those happy glowy preggos, I'm bloaty, pukey, congested, and uncomfortable. I'm *not* going through this again! EVER! DH is going to get the big V when the baby's out and healthy.

 

[HM]

I am so sorry for your pain. I hope you feel better about the decision before long.

I wasn't really ready to be done with being pregnant and having another baby, but we made the decision that our original plan to have three kids wasn't realistic for us and we decided to stop at two. It was hard. But I knew it was the right thing for us. It took awhile to get over the feeling of loss, but I eventually did and I think you will too.

 

[monorailsilver]

I can remember dating my dh. He never wanted any kids & I wanted 6 (OK years of watching the Brady Bunch reruns at night in the 70's brainwashed me!).

I told him I wouldn't marry him unless he commited to one kid & he did. I knew in my heart I needed more then one kid so after she was born I was able to convince him to try for a 2nd & we did (they are now almost 9 & 6½).

Even though he & I knew I wanted more kids I promised him I would never beg for another (does beg sound bad?).

When I was pregnant with my son (my 2nd child) at about 32-34 weeks the OB told me I would probably need a c/s since he was breech. My dh & mom told me to get a tubal but I knew they wouldn't give me one at that late of a date in my pregnancy (a crazed hormonal pregnant woman wanting a tubal? I think not). Plus I really didn't want one. I knew it meant it was final & no more kids.

Well....fast forward to June 2005. My kids were 4 & 21 months. Guess who was pregnant? ME? It was a total surprise since we were not planning another.

As much as I wanted more kids I was a little shocked, sad, surprised, upset, basically every emotion was in my head. It took me a good month to be happy about it. All I could think about was "oh no, another mouth to feed" since money isn't growing on trees in my yard.

My husband the one who didn't want any kids was elated. I was in shock.

I knew at that point that after this kid I was done. I went to my first OB appt & told them I wanted a repeat c/s with a tubal. The OB tried to convince me to have a vbac with a tubal a few weeks after that but I knew I would be pregnant witoh #4 in the future since I wouldn't have the tubal then.

So as much as I wanted 4-6 kids, I knew I was done as soon as I got pregnant with my 3rd.

I enjoyed every step of my last pregnancy too since I knew it was going to be my last (I love being pregnant). I was thrilled when I went for my 8 week u/s & the midwife told me they were changing my due date from the end of February to the 3rd week of March. I was so happy knowing I was going to be pregnant for 3 more weeks then expected.

Then March 2nd (my c/s was schedualed for March 21st & my new due date was March 22nd) at 4:20am my water broke. I was so upset that I wasn't going to get to enjoy those last 3 weeks of being pregnant.

The midwife on call asked if I wanted to do a vbac-um..no since my first was a v birth with back labor for 3 days & my 2nd was a cancelled c/s since he was no longer breech to an emergency c/s after 30 hours of labor since he was shoulder down...um..no more labor for me.

I went in the hospital that am, had to wait a bit & had my last child & a tubal. I made sure in that OR that I they knew I was a tubal & remember hearing one of the Residents saying "she is a tubal" to the OB as a reminder.

My youngest just turned 4 last week & I am still happy with my decision. Yes I would love more kids but in order for that to happen, I'd need a bigger house, bigger car & more money & well I am 0 for 3 in that area. The only time I got a little upset about having a tubal was about 6-8 weeks post partum. I realized that was it, I am done having kids. It hit me.

Oh & I can't have any more kids because then it would mean I would have to get 2 rooms at a value or a mod or that I can't stay at my beloved Poly in one room.

 

[laurafergie]

OP - I saw your post last night and thought about you quite a bit, because I was very much you.

We had our two oldest children and wanted a third. Three miscarriages later and our marriage almost destroyed, we thought we were at the end. We stopped trying and we thought our family was complete.

Surprise came DD10 and then surprise again DD6. After DD6 for health reasons, I had to have my tubes tied. Doc said my body wouldn't last through another pregnancy.

I guess my point is, I had to accept what life gave me. Before I had the youngest two - I was so depressed and angry at my body, that at times I wanted to die. DH isolated himself because he couldn't help me. But after awhile the feeling got to be less and I moved on. It wasn't fair to the older children that I was holding part of myself away from them.

I still have times when I miss having a baby. I miss the closeness with my husband when the baby is small - there is nothing like it.

All things happen for a reason. You may not recognizer it now, but later you will. My pain over my miscarriages make me thankful for everyday I have my children and make me thankful that my husband loves me more than anything. It makes me thankful that we were able to give our love to another child when she needed it.

You will find your strength when you least expect it.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

I have to add from a different perspective, You are very lucky that you have 2 children, you could be like me and DH and not be able to be blessed with a child of your own or otherwise as we won't.

We tried for about 6 years before we decided to give up, because is seemed like I had reached the point I could be happy with my life, but I still have times when I wish I could have been given that gift, but it is just not meant to be. Our journey was like being on the road to he// and I just couldn't do that to our marriage any longer.

After I lost my mom in Aug 2008, that is when I really realized our journey was over for good and had to move on. Take some time to reflect on your life and if you are a religious person, say a few prayers and the answer will come.

Suzanne

 

[MomofKatie]

OP and other posters who have had problems getting/staying pregnant- It is a heartbreaking thing, infertility.

As for me, when DD was born, it just seemed like we were a complete, little family right from the start. DH and I never ruled out another child, but we never pined for one, either- we figured what happened, happened. It had taken me 2 years to conceive DD, and we thought we might have just gone through all our "getting pregnant" luck with her. We never started using birth control after her birth, but didn't dwell on the process, and didn't get pregnant again...

Until DD was almost 4. I did a home test, went to my gyn to confirm, and was told I was 5 to 6 weeks along. I didn't feel the same way I had with DD at all. DH was happy, but I just didn't feel excited. Less than a week later, I miscarried. Honestly, if I hadn't taken the test, it would have seemed like I had just had a normal period, a little overdue. Went back to the gyn- she confirmed that there was no trace of any embryo.

I cried for about 5 minutes, but it was as if I was OK with it right away. DH and my parents and ILs were upset, but it didn't ever really affect me too much. I think, deep inside, I always knew that our family was complete with just DD.

It is 7 years later, and every once in a while, I think about the baby that we could have had- how old he/she would be now, what grade he/she would be in, who he/she would have looked like, etc- but I don't have a real sense of sorrow. I am thrilled with DD, even though I am sad that she is growing up so fast! I'm in my mid 40's now, so I know the baby train has left the station for me, but I'm OK with that.

 

[Robinrs]

When you're MY age!!

 

[Nik's Mom]

My 2nd pregnancy was really rough on me. I was sick from day one. I even had pre-term labor at 5 months that they think may have been triggered from all of my vomitting. I finally gave birth to a healthy, full-term baby who weighed almost 9 lbs. That pregnancy was the longest 9 months of my life! I told dh that I did not want any more children.

I feel totally fine with my decision, but every once in a while, I do miss having a baby in the house. I quickly come back to my senses, though.

 

[pjb0216]

I have had a problem with this. My head knows that it is two are enough. But, the heart still sometimes wants. We have been blessed with two happy and healthy DS's (10 and 8) and I know I am lucky, but so far every appt we have made for DH's vas we have canceled.