How do you just let it go?

[Wishing on a star]

Your MIL has boundary issues, she doesn't respect you, she does things to hurt you and then refuses to acknowledge that she has done this, she favors bil over dh and makes not bones about it, and she doesn't respect dh's requests relating to the boundary issues.

So, you and your dh need to sit down and discuss what is going on and decide on a united front. You are taking way too much of the blame here for the situation. You two need to decide as a family unit what you need to do in terms of dealing with MIL and how much interaction you will have with her. She should not disrespect you and get away with it, she should not be rewarded with visits from dh and the gks because she loooveess them and they are faaaammmmiiilllyyy! Your dh needs to be supporting you.

Right now you are giving her a lot of control over you. You need to decide that she is no longer going to have that power over you and let it go. You won't believe how freeing it is! I had a situation with both ILS about 7 years ago where they lashed out at me (in front of my ds who as 10 at the time)--you would not believe the hatred spewing out of their mouths and eyes! I was totally blindsided. I was mad, hurt, and upset for several months--the very mention of their names would make me tense and upset. One day I finally realized that by doing so I was giving them power over my life. I decided that I was not going to allow that and I let go. I actually said outloud "MIL/FIL I am letting go. You will not have power over my life ever again. I will be polite when needed as to someone I meet at a party, but no more." Just saying the words outloud helped and I felt the release! I realized that they are not going to change and that is their choice. However it is my choice in how I react. I decided I want to spend my life surrounded by positive, happy people who love and care for me and that is what I do. I rarely think about them, rarely talk to them, and when I have to interact with them--a once-a-year visit for my dh sake or at a funeral, I treat them as I do people that I meet at a party--I am polite and ask the right questions, respond as needed, etc. Once the visit is over, they are basically forgotten about until the next time.

They have, unfortunately ruined their relationship with out ds and also our dd because of what they did. Sadly, they also attacked dh's brother and his wife and because of that refused to go to their other gs's wedding. Sad, sad, sad, but it is their choice in how to live their life and I do not waste time worrying about it.

It sounds like you are beating yourself up over this. Don't! You will never have the perfect relationship with your MIL and nothing you will do will change it. She is who she is. You and dh need to seriously talk about this and how much involvement you want her to have in your lives. You need to be alert with your kids so that she doesn't poison them against you with things that she says when you are not around. Why do you and dh want them around a woman who does not respect their mother? respect their parents?

Again, have a long, serious talk with your dh and ask each other these tough questions. You two must do what is right for your family, not just for now, but for the future. And if that means setting tight boundaries with her, limiting time with her for all of you, that is what needs to be done.

Good luck--sending

WELL SAID!!!!!!

OP, the above post is dead-spot-on....

There is a difference between letting go, and all of the other things you have mentioned.... 'making amends'... 'mending' a relationship, 'being a doormat', and continually subjecting yourself (and therefore your children) to inappropriate, disrespectful, behavior.

My advice, as I stated in my original post to you....
you can't let go as long as there is ongoing insult.
You can't let go if you are wilingly giving this person whom you rarely see and who lives hours away such unexplainable power over you.

I think I hit the nail on the head... If your husband and your children are so 'hurt'... it think it is obvious that MIL is planting a big guilt trip on them... Whatever time and relationship your husband and his kids are spending with MIL is definitely not enough... She wants full control and unfettered access.... Like you said, nothing is enough and SHE is the one who won't let things go.... You actually said that about her in your previous posts... something like the fact it shouldn't affect you, but SHE won't let it go.... A quote from your own words.

Again, you need to talk to your husband.

Believe me.... you say you think I do not understand...
I DO....
I have been there, done that...
Just as this above quoted poster has....
(I could have almost written her post, word for word....)
She is right - it is SO freeing to come to these truths.....

You will not be able to let go by deciding to be a doormat to appease your DH and his mommie.

You will not be able to let go by engaging with a woman like this who simply will not let anything go.

You will be able to 'let go', once you have realized that your husband is the key player here... You need to be on the same page with him... And when the 'hurtful' behavior is curtailed (as much as possible anyway). Of course, yes, one does have to learn to let some of the little things slide... But, very clearly, what you are describing goes way beyond that.

I am not judging or questioning you.
I do know where you sit.
I am just offering advice....

I brought up specific questions and issues in my last posts... And, you don't seem to be ready to answer?????

You have my best wishes.

 

[quentina]

I also have a poor MIL. Somehow, I ended up with the textbook definition.

For 15 years, I allowed her to bother and hurt me. I took it and accepted it because she is my DH's mother.

Well, lets say the *** hit the fan and my DH had an awakening. He told me I did not need to speak to her. After a few months of no one speaking to her, I decided that it was wrong. As much heartache as she has caused me, I still felt that it was wrong. They are jerks however.......they are my hubby's jerks and that is what we were dealt.

So, move forward. She calls, I answer. I told her how it is going to be. If she continues to hurt and put down my parenting skills, once again, she will be dropped like a hot potato. Keep in mind, my DH is still not talking to her.

I was truthful. I told her what I thought, how she makes us feel and how her decisions have strained any relationship she had with DH (which was minimul to begin with). In addition, our kids don't even know their grandparents (their choice, they already raised a kid, don't want any more....unless of course there is a big crowd around LOL).

That was all it took.......I no longer take her crap and our relationship is so much better. When she makes her comments, I tell her about them.

I do think you need to try and figure some half way point. It is hard on the hubby's and the kids are aware of the situation. The tricky part is....figuring out what will work to help in your situation. If I would have known telling her off was the secret...................I would of done it 15 years ago

 

[mumom95]

WELL SAID!!!!!!

OP, the above post is dead-spot-on....

There is a difference between letting go, and all of the other things you have mentioned.... 'making amends'... 'mending' a relationship, 'being a doormat', and continually subjecting yourself (and therefore your children) to inappropriate, disrespectful, behavior.

My advice, as I stated in my original post to you....
you can't let go as long as there is ongoing insult.
You can't let go if you are wilingly giving this person whom you rarely see and who lives hours away such unexplainable power over you.

I think I hit the nail on the head... If your husband and your children are so 'hurt'... it think it is obvious that MIL is planting a big guilt trip on them... Whatever time and relationship your husband and his kids are spending with MIL is definitely not enough... She wants full control and unfettered access.... Like you said, nothing is enough and SHE is the one who won't let things go.... You actually said that about her in your previous posts... something like the fact it shouldn't affect you, but SHE won't let it go.... A quote from your own words.

Again, you need to talk to your husband.

Believe me.... you say you think I do not understand...
I DO....
I have been there, done that...
Just as this above quoted poster has....
(I could have almost written her post, word for word....)
She is right - it is SO freeing to come to these truths.....

You will not be able to let go by deciding to be a doormat to appease your DH and his mommie.

You will not be able to let go by engaging with a woman like this who simply will not let anything go.

You will be able to 'let go', once you have realized that your husband is the key player here... You need to be on the same page with him... And when the 'hurtful' behavior is curtailed (as much as possible anyway). Of course, yes, one does have to learn to let some of the little things slide... But, very clearly, what you are describing goes way beyond that.

I am not judging or questioning you.
I do know where you sit.
I am just offering advice....

I brought up specific questions and issues in my last posts... And, you don't seem to be ready to answer?????

You have my best wishes.

I think you must have added the questions after I read you last post, because I didn't see them until now.

My dh really does support me 100% in this, and he's really quite ticked off at his mother. But he feels mainting the relationship with the kids is very important, so he is willing to not walk away.

The favoritism towards my BIL at this point really doesn't bother my dh all that much (it bothers me more). He said he's had his entire life to get used to the fact that she will always favor him more, and he's become as ok with that as I think a child (even adult child) can ever be.

What my dh is really mad about is my MIL's refusal to try and make things better with me. A little under a year ago the you know what hit the fan so to speak and that is when I made the decision to cut her out of my life. There wasn't any one thing that made us come to blows, just a lot of things over a lot of years. After the big blow up on the phone I felt pretty bad about a few things I said and after thinking about it, I realized I was out of line with some comments and things I brought up. So I told my dh that was going to call her and apologize for those. Well, apparently my dh called her before I did to tell her I was going to call (I knew nothing about this phone call until weeks later). He asked her to just show me some understanding and I guess something like she didn't have to admit she had ever done anything wrong, but just to say she was sorry that I had been hurt. I guess she refused. He's never really told me exactly what she said, he just says he asked her to do this one thing for him and she wouldn't. So, I called and apologized for some things I had said and she just cried and begged me not to take her family away from her.

For a few weeks after that my dh just about blew a gasket any time someone mention my MIL. I thought the whole time he was mad at me for my decision (remember, I didn't know about the phone call). He eventually told me about the call and I realized it wasn't me who he was mad at.

But almost a year later, it's my dh that is still having to deal with all of this. I haven't spoken to her since that phone call last May. It's my dh that has to listen to her cry about how we've ruined her family and that she doesn't get to see the kids like she used to. He tries to explain to her that she is responsible for part of what has happened but she just won't listen. So, he's not happy, but he doesn't seem to blame it on me (if he does, he hides it well). He even tells her sometimes: she had the chance to fix it, she refused, so now she needs to deal with the consequences. But 10 days later she'll call again crying about how we've ruined their family and he'll have to say it all over again. This has been going on for over 6 months. He's just tired of dealing with it. But he really feels the kids need grandparents in their lives (both my parents have passed away), so he puts up with it for their sake.

 

[samshane]

Sorry you are dealing with this. When Dh and I married, I was not talking to my FIL. I did not talk to or see him for 10yrs. He did not come to my house, I did not go to his - but DH would take the kids and go on his own (took DH 4 yrs to actually talk to his dad as well).

As time wore on, the kids were older, and people just kind of forgot what the issues were. I was a young 23 yr old when I married and thought I knew it all - he was a controlling father who thought he could still control his son.

The first place we met after 10yrs of no contact - WDW! LOL... it went well. In fact, we met them there just a few weeks ago for DH's 2 week R&R.

In our case it took time... he grew older and relaxed. I grew-up and had a family and matured. No one ever apologized, but we all moved on from the past.

They still strictly call DH's cell phone (well, when he is in the country) and they correspond with only him via e-mail... and now the kids that they are older. But - they are talking of visiting us... we'll see how that goes

Best of luck with your situation - everything is always easier said than done. Took me YEARS to let go of my anger even when I knew I should let go of it. And I think his dad has many regrets over his actions too. But the mind is a powerful thing...

 

[mumom95]

Thank you so much for all the replies. I'm sorry that some of you are in the same boat as me, but it is nice to hear that many of you have figured it out eventually. Gives me some hope.

I am really going to work at get over the hurt. When I start to think about it, I'm going to remind myself that the past can no longer hurt me, unless I let it. And that I'm the one that has the control.

And maybe after a little while I'll be able to figure out a way that I can be around my MIL. I think I need to adjust my attitudes on what our relationship will be. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing kind of relationship. But she will have to figure out a way to understand that there are boundaries and she can't continue to cross the line. I'm hoping though that this past year of seeing what it's like when she's crossed the line too many times, she'll understand and be able to accept the boundaries.

So, thank you again. I appreciate all the advice more than you all probably even realize. And I am grateful no one took the opportunity to tell me that I am being horribly selfish. I've been around these boards long enough to know how these things go sometimes.

 

[ksjayhawks]

But almost a year later, it's my dh that is still having to deal with all of this. I haven't spoken to her since that phone call last May. It's my dh that has to listen to her cry about how we've ruined her family and that she doesn't get to see the kids like she used to. He tries to explain to her that she is responsible for part of what has happened but she just won't listen. So, he's not happy, but he doesn't seem to blame it on me (if he does, he hides it well). He even tells her sometimes: she had the chance to fix it, she refused, so now she needs to deal with the consequences. But 10 days later she'll call again crying about how we've ruined their family and he'll have to say it all over again. This has been going on for over 6 months. He's just tired of dealing with it. But he really feels the kids need grandparents in their lives (both my parents have passed away), so he puts up with it for their sake.

Your mil has a strong hold over your dh. It seems like he wants to have a great relationship with her--but at your expense. You say he is totally behind you, but if he is why does he want a relationship with his mother when she has no respect for you, refuses to admist she has hurt you, etc. Why does he want his kids to have a relationship with a woman who treats their mother badly? He is teaching them that it is oky for grandma to be mean, hateful, rude to their mom and that it doesn't matter as long as grandma is happy!

You and dh have not ruined her family--she has brought this on herself but her actions. It is a choice she made and with choices come consequences. It is time to follow through with the consequences. Do not let her put these on either of you--it sounds like dh needs to let go as well and free himself from her influence and guilt trips.

The next time she calls him, dh needs to state to her clearly one.last.time that until she can admit that she has hurt you, that part of the problem is her fault, and consistently show this to be true--no more drama, remarks, etc.--there will be limited contact with your family. Then, if she calls again and starts in, dh replies "Mom, we have discussed this already. We will not discuss it again." Then he changes the subject and if she won't stop, he gets off the phone immediately. He may need to let some of her calls go to voicemail and only call back when he feels like it or if there is an emergency.

Yes, it is important for grandparents and grandchildren to have a relationship, but only if it is a healthy relationship! This is not a healthy relationship--not when you do not go to visit grandma and she is disrespectful to you.

It might be time to cut her out of you family's life until she makes the CHOICE to change her ways. DH can still talk to her occasionally if he wishes, but he should put you and your kids first, then mom. You might be surprised at how much better your family life will become when this is done.

 

[luvsJack]

Thank you so much for all the replies. I'm sorry that some of you are in the same boat as me, but it is nice to hear that many of you have figured it out eventually. Gives me some hope.

I am really going to work at get over the hurt. When I start to think about it, I'm going to remind myself that the past can no longer hurt me, unless I let it. And that I'm the one that has the control.

And maybe after a little while I'll be able to figure out a way that I can be around my MIL. I think I need to adjust my attitudes on what our relationship will be. It doesn't have to be an all or nothing kind of relationship. But she will have to figure out a way to understand that there are boundaries and she can't continue to cross the line. I'm hoping though that this past year of seeing what it's like when she's crossed the line too many times, she'll understand and be able to accept the boundaries.

So, thank you again. I appreciate all the advice more than you all probably even realize. And I am grateful no one took the opportunity to tell me that I am being horribly selfish. I've been around these boards long enough to know how these things go sometimes.

Of course you are not being selfish.

But the biggest thing you need to do is figure out if YOU want to try to have a relationship with your mil. Is it worth the hassle to you? Do you think she is going to cause you pain or just a bit of aggravation?

No one here can tell you 100% what to do. There are those that have huge in law issues and have cut their in laws off and there are those that have huge in law issues and have worked through it. Just depends on which poster is responding to you at the moment.

If you do try and let this go, it sounds to me like you and your dh (or just you if you think that would be better) need to talk to your mil and tell her that you want to have a dil/mil relationship with her but you have to have some boundaries and then honestly tell her what those are. And of course, there are some things that are just going to be the way she is and those things you will just have to accept and look over. Remember that she is not going to change. She may learn to bite her tongue when you are around to keep from saying some of the same old things but she is not going to change what she thinks, that's the part you will have to just accept to be able to make this work.

I think you are being a wonderful wife and mother by seeing what this is doing to your family and wanting to fix it somehow. Too many wives and/or husbands don't see what they are doing to their spouse by continuing a battle with the in-laws.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Mom95, Thank You for your answer!

Okay, from what you just said, it is very obvious that I was completely and totally right in my assumptions... Even your DH is upset by his mother... She is doing nothing except to pour on a MAJOR guilt trip.

OP, what everybody here is telling you is correct...
This is not about 'letting go' and 'mending' your relationship with your MIL... You have admitted that you may have gotten carried away and said some things that you shouldn't have... You have apoligized... YOU HAVE DONE YOUR PART.

This is now about becoming a doormat.....
Letting a mentally 'off' person control your life....
etc... etc....

Your MIL is playing a masterful and classic game of GUILT, GUILT, GUILT, along with the "poor old me" and "I don't get to see my precious grandkids like ALL the time, because it is that nasty DIL's fault..." (apparantly, your husband, your kids, and even YOU, are falling right into the snare....)

OP: There is no way that I would let her subject my kids to this negative and unhealthy 'guilt trip', placing them in a position to be in the middle.

There is no way that I could advise you walk back into that situation.
Just NO way....

You say that your husband wants her to have "MORE of a relationship" with the kids.... Even though he can barely stand to deal with her himself....

I say your husband needs a huge wake-up call.
I say that this could be a big mistake.

Yes, it is very clear that you and your husband need to talk....
You need to hash this out...
You need to determine what, if any, relationship the kids will have with their grandmother....
You need to determine a common ground, and some very strong boundaries.

And, if any relationship with her involved her 'guilting' them, and placing them in a position to be at odds with their own mother.... IMHO, there would be no relationship whatsoever.

Again,