How do you "fix" (undo) parenting????

[jlder72]

Do you qualify for any family counselling?

I have a 12 y/o daughter too and they do not understand how much work it is to keep a house running.

Can you spend some time together doing the chores such as laundry, cleaning, and cooking together so that she can see how much time is involved?

How long have you been at home now?
What types of things are you trying to get DD to do?

I have been home full-time since April. All I am asking for is her to keep her room up and maybe do dishes a few times. I was all the clothes, put them in a hamper for her, and they end up all over the floor of her room from her trying on outfits.

I know I could just close the door, but I am a little bit compulsive so it drives me nuts. The last time we argued over it she actually said to me "I don't have time with school and you are home all day"

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have been home full-time since April. All I am asking for is her to keep her room up and maybe do dishes a few times. I was all the clothes, put them in a hamper for her, and they end up all over the floor of her room from her trying on outfits.

I know I could just close the door, but I am a little bit compulsive so it drives me nuts. The last time we argued over it she actually said to me "I don't have time with school and you are home all day"

You can't put your OCD complusions on people whether they are your kids or parents.

You have got to use tough love here. Shut the door and tell her she has to do her own laundry.

 

[jlder72]

If you live in a military community-get her into counseling on the installation with a family counselor who understands what you are going thru-one of the things that people tend to miss is that PTSD ( im guessing this is the cause of your panic attacks) doesnt just affect the person who suffers it affects the people around them. Tough love is only going to go so far in this case and she needs to accept how much things have changed for you-and how different her life is going to be going forward. You and she both need family counseling-as well as the individual counseling i sincerely hope you are getting. She also needs individual counseling. This is not something that is going to go away-or even get better in a hurry and its going to take effort on everyones part.

I am in counseling and am 100% covered through the VA. However, I do not have health insurance for her. I am stuck in the middle where my income is too high to qualify for state help but can't get a child only coverage in my state (do to the Obama changes), this should change in Jan I think? I am 100% disabled through the military but still waiting for the Champ VA insurance to come through for my daughter.

 

[shortbun]

The other thing about this mother daughter thing that most of my friends find helps is they absolutely refuse to take their daughter's rantings personally. those who can get really calm seem to have the best outcome.

 

[jlder72]

Bump for more input.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Hmmm, I am totally out of sync with other people.

I think there are a few things going on here. First off, you can't dismiss how much these changes must be effecting you. These disability issues sound new so you are yourself dealing with a grieving process. You have changed and your life has changed. That is never easy and it will change the way you deal with the world around you. There is resentment, anger and sadness on your part that your daughter MUST be feeling as it oozes out of you into everything you say and do. Second, your daughter went from having a ton of independence to being accountable all day, every day and that is not an easy thing to get used to. Not only that but now you are probably leaning on her more than you realize because she IS ok and you are not.

Then there is the separate issue of compassion. Kids aren't born with it, well they feel for other people but realizing they have the power to make someone else's world better is a slow to develop sort of trait. I've always had migraines and I've always been a SAHM so my kids have always seen the realities of my issues since they were babies, they don't question the validity of me being in need and will even try to care for me. But this didn't happen overnight. If you want genuine compassion show genuine feelings. Let your daughter see some of the vulnerabilities and talk about them. Tell her you wish you could do everything like you've always done but you can't and that you need her to help you find your way as a family.

Personally, I feel that 75% conversation and 25% tough does a very good job of creating compassionate & kind kids... but that's just me. My kids get yelled at and punished when they deserve it but I just make sure that for every negative that comes out of my mouth there are at least 3 positives, usually many more than that. I am their Mom they NEED love from me and they certainly don't want to drive me away, it's my job to bridge the gaps when they don't know how.

If you want compassion show compassion... it's like that poem "Children learn what they live"

 

[Wishing on a star]

You can't put your OCD complusions on people whether they are your kids or parents.

You have got to use tough love here. Shut the door and tell her she has to do her own laundry.

Yes...

I just want to add, that one can't assume that at any given age, a kid has the ability and basic knowledge (yes, even just common sense...) to be able to keep up with these things... They do need teaching and guidance...

If I just up and said to my 12 year old, hey, clean the kitchen, do the laundry, etc.. Yes, I can tell you that he would be overwhelmed and upset and obstinate too. Cause he just wouldn't have the inborn, innate, ability to just do these things.

Even if one is sitting in a wheelchair, one can teach and help the child to be able to step up....

Choose one's attainable expectations and goals.
Choose one's battles.
Choose 'step one' as a starting point...
Again, no 'emotion' or 'negotiation'.
Go from there.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The other thing about this mother daughter thing that most of my friends find helps is they absolutely refuse to take their daughter's rantings personally. those who can get really calm seem to have the best outcome.

Yes.....

 

[Wishing on a star]

If you live in a military community-get her into counseling on the installation with a family counselor who understands what you are going thru-one of the things that people tend to miss is that PTSD ( im guessing this is the cause of your panic attacks) doesnt just affect the person who suffers it affects the people around them. Tough love is only going to go so far in this case and she needs to accept how much things have changed for you-and how different her life is going to be going forward. You and she both need family counseling-as well as the individual counseling i sincerely hope you are getting. She also needs individual counseling. This is not something that is going to go away-or even get better in a hurry and its going to take effort on everyones part.

This is probably one of the most important posts here on this thread.