How do you decide to pass things down

[wishesuponastar]

of your things? I don't have much and have 3 daughters. I have an antique table, a "bride" ceramic and pie dish that's 23 years old now, that sort of things.

I am going to put one of my daughters name on my only piece of Capodimonte since she's the only one who likes it.

Do you discuss with your family who gets what?

 

[NMAmy]

Poor dd is an only child so she gets stuck with all my stuff.

I've just been through this on the other side, though, and I really think what works best is talking with the children before hand so they all know what's going to them and there won't be hard feelings. My sister and I just finished cleaning out my mom's house and it was more a case of us each trying to force the other to take something. Our catchphrase became, "That's so pretty. You should take it."

My grandmother and DH"s mother both had everyone write their name on items they wanted and that seemed to work well. If there was something that meant a lot to one of us, it was a great way to make sure you got it after their death. One BIL jokingly said he'd written his name on the undercarriage of FIL's new car.

 

[wishesuponastar]

I agree it's a good idea to talk about who you want to get what.

I just thought about what to do about my "bride" ceramic. When first daughter gets married I'll give that to her then when other daughters get married I'll buy them one.

The antique table is going to be a hard one to decide who gets it. It was DH's grandmothers and it's a corner piece. Maybe it's best to do what you posted and let daughters decide when that time comes.

 

[mrsklamc]

Absolutely talk about it.

 

[MIGrandma]

I'm an only, so everything that belonged to my parents will come to me.

When DH's Mom was diagnosed with ALS she put names on things she wanted to make sure got passed down to her 3 children.

The only thing I have that for sure needs to be passed down is my grandmother's diamond ring. It goes to the firstborn girl, so it is now my Mom's, then will be mine, then goes to my DD, then her DD. DH and the kids know that.

Anything else I have isn't all that valuable and they can divide it however they see fit.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

of your things? I don't have much and have 3 daughters. I have an antique table, a "bride" ceramic and pie dish that's 23 years old now, that sort of things.

I am going to put one of my daughters name on my only piece of Capodimonte since she's the only one who likes it.

Do you discuss with your family who gets what?

Give it to them now if it is feasible.

Other than that make a list or my mom is planning on holding a "give away" party soon.

My MIL passed recently without telling anyone anything. So now we are going to get together and go through her stuff soon.

 

[Colleen27]

I don't really have anything worth worrying about, but I do plan to talk to the kids as they get to be adults about what things they'd like to have. I've seen some things in our family lost just because the surviving spouse or the adult child(ren) helping get the estate in order didn't realize that someone would like to have them. I'm not so much worried about them bickering over my few pieces of good jewelry or antiques as I am them not having a chance to hold on to something with sentimental value but lacking recognizable/financial value. That was a constant with the deaths of each of my grandparents - the surviving spouse or adult child(ren) doing the clean out didn't necessarily realize the sentimental significance of some seemingly trivial objects.

 

[Robbi]

My husband's family asked us to choose what we wanted when MIL moved from her big house. DH and I chose her vintage wrought iron patio furniture. They have several very valuable antiques. The kids have decided that those will be autioned by an auction house after MIL passes. If any of the kids want them, they can bid.

When his uncle died (unmarried, no children), all of the nieces and nephews names were put in a box, then the names were picked and in the order pulled, they chose what they wanted. My husband was #1 ( ha, I could have told them that ) He chose a beautiful antique breakfront which is perfect for our dining room.

With my parents, my kids can tell me what they'd like because DH and I don't need anything.

 

[DelftBlue]

My mom decided who would get what before she died. She also told us what she wanted thrown away (personal journals, etc...). Her decision was final. I did approach her about a ring I really wanted and she let me have it.

I personally respect her decisions and understand why they were made.

If you are going to discuss things beforehand, that's really nice, but don't be afraid to just decide things. It's your stuff.

 

[ronandannette]

My parents made provision for the money and the property but not for any of the stuff...we ended up having a huge estate sale this summer and each family member bought what they wanted; most of it went to strangers. I'm not sentimental and was fine with the decision; I hold my memories in my heart. It was kind of nice seeing long-time friends, neighbours and distant relatives come and get things that meant something to them too. Overall a good solution for us.

 

[RitaE]

I think I'm going to put in my Will that they should set up a Boxing Ring in the front yard and anybody who wants an item will have to step into the Center and invite any and all Challengers to fight until knockout.

Or maybe an Ultimate Cage Match winner take all kind of thing. That might be good too.

 

[soccerdad72]

Considering our boys are 8 and 13, it's unlikely they care at this point who's going to get their mom's good china, so it's not something we've discussed. Financially, we've set up a will and a trust and they'll get an even split of our estate. Down the road, when they have family of their own, we'll adjust it accordingly to take into account any future grandchildren.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Poor dd is an only child so she gets stuck with all my stuff.

Yeah, only daughter of an only daughter here. Problem in my family is not who to gift items to, but what the heck I am supposed to do with 3 sets of china/silver/jewelry,etc. (other than to pass it on to my only daughter, of course)?

Talk to your girls and get their opinions. They may surprise you.

 

[barkley]

just want to suggest that if you will be passing on items after death-write it in your will. likewise, if the items will be gifted prior to death, include a short note (signed and dated) saying you gifted the item outside your will/estate documents. if you are going to have people pick and choose but not receive until after your death, write out a list and have everyone sign to acknowledge their agreement. if they won't you have to spell it out in your will.


you like to think those you leave behind won't bicker over items but I speak from personal experience that it can get so nasty it can at worst lead to violence, at best reduce your estate in legal fees.

with my mom her will stated everything got split evenly between us kids. well.....one of my sibs is an AWFUL person who didn't care an iota about anything but $$$$$$$$$$$ so he tried to use gifts that he knew had tremendous sentimental value to me/another sib and argue they should offset our share of the estate. these were items gifted as long as 30 years earlier when dad passed away-no huge financial value, but costly to have appraised. when it came to threats of physical violence law enforcement had to become involved and relationships were permanently severed with mom in law (and I think this might be more common), as she declined her memory got bad and she forgot she had promised VERY sentimental items to one child and would subsequently promise it to another, and since her will was similar to my mom's nothing was spelled out. in that case cooler heads prevailed and the items went to those they had the greatest sentimentality to (with no offset to their monetary portion of the estate).

 

[Agent7]

I'm an only so I don't have this problem however my best friend has 2 sisters. Her mom decided to give them rings in birth order, which sounds great for my friend as she gets the engagement/wedding set while her other sisters get other rings. But my friend hates her moms e-ring and much prefers the ring her sister will get while her sister much prefers the e-ring over the one she will get. While they might trade later (or not, they do really want to respect their mons wishes) they've ask her several times to switch the rings in her will but she won't do it (she insist her oldest daughter get her e-ring, also I should note its not a family heirloom or tradition yet just her personal preference). So I really second asking your girls, they might want completely different things than you think. But if you do have a tradition you want to stick to then that's really cool just make sure that they'll even like what they are going to get. Or at least that's what my friend wishes her mom would do.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I agree with Barkley -- put it in writing. I am an only, and I have an only. My mother is adamant that her great aunt's china come to me when she passes, as well as all her jewelry. However, her husband found out just how much the china is worth and I'm thinking it will be a fight. I've also told my mom she should put everything in her will but who knows if she actually did.

I have specifically mentioned that my car, possessions, jewelry, etc. all goes to my daughter, except my grandmother's old-fashioned gold charm bracelet. That goes back to my mom, if she's alive. If she's not, then DD gets that as well.

And I specifically stated that someone is specifically left out of my will, on purpose, so there's no nonsense.

 

[dyna]

OMG the things I've seen siblings fight over...there was a fight over plain old pictures in DH's family by some of his siblings.

What do you do when you have things left to you have no desire of owning? I know I have a few things coming to me that came over on the ship when the family came my mother has them because no one else in the family wants them.

 

[lakelandgal70]

Was very easy for us. Everything is going to 4 of my 2 cousins kids. And a percent is going to our church. Already had will made out couple years ago. Since we are childfree this was who we thought it should all go to.

 

[minkydog]

OMG the things I've seen siblings fight over...there was a fight over plain old pictures in DH's family by some of his siblings.

What do you do when you have things left to you have no desire of owning? I know I have a few things coming to me that came over on the ship when the family came my mother has them because no one else in the family wants them.

My mom has a pair of giant clunky old world Victorian chairs--they look like thrones, I kid you not! NOBODY wants them. Mom keeps trying to palm them off on me. Eep! No thanks, mom. I have enough useless crap of my own

 

[scbelleatheart]

My sons get the gun collection (huge). My daughter gets the jewelry (it stays in the family). The estate will be large so all the real estate, our company and all holdings can all be sold then split it up. We do not want anyone to take over the business. Although it has provided a great income for them and us, I would not wish that on my children ever in todays work environment. They may decide to retain controlling interest in shares.