How do you decide to pass things down

[DebbieB]

When my parents wrote their wills, the lawyer suggested not listing specifics. Like my mom wanted to leave me her jewelry (I have 2 brothers). He said if she wrote that in the will, it will have to be appraised for probate and taxes paid. My brothers and I get along, so it wasn't an issue when she passed. I was the executor and I figured the jewelry into my 1/3.

 

[Piper]

When I downsized to move into an apartment in a 55+ community, I told my kids to take what they wanted. I wanted them to enjoy it. They did. I then had a garage sale for anything that was left that wouldn't fit.

I have Pfaltzgraff dishes and a set of silverplate that I use daily that was unwanted by the kids. I also use some old cut glass glasses. I am enjoying everything that is left...not keeping "pretty" nightgowns, etc. just in case!

I made scrapbooks from pictures of the kids and labeled everything so they would know who and when and gave them to each child. I don't need them and there were so many family pictures when my mother died that I had no clue who they were. It was a nightmare cleaning out all her "stuff" and there was so much that wasn't even used. I didn't want my children to go through that with my stuff.

Now I have everything organized and it makes it much easier to keep up with housekeeping. I use everything I have and the only thing that might cause a problem is my fabric (I sew.) But even that is neatly placed on shelves.

 

[PigletsPal2]

My mom left a will stating that everything other than four rings, one each to my sisters and me, was to be sold and the proceeds divided four ways. For the most part, we honored her wishes, but DSis#1's daughter had always loved Mom's china, and none of needed it (or much liked it for that matter!), so we gave it to her. DSis#3 needed a car, none of the rest of us did, so that sister got the car. I wanted an antique Waterford crystal bowl and a set of bone china desert dishes, and sisters agreed that I could have them. I'm not sure how legal all this horse-trading was, but I wasn't the executor of Mom's will, so I didn't worry about it. The biggest hassle was Mom's double-wide mobile home. My aunt lived with her, but we weren't about to throw my aunt out of her house! It was paid for, so aunt paid site rent and utilities until she came to live with us. We then sold the mobile home and split the proceeds.

I know I was very lucky that my sisters and I were so agreeable about things. I would have just bowed out if things became ugly.

What my sisters didn't know was that our parents had owned a piece of property in FL (they were one of the lucky ones in the FL land boom of the 1950s; their property really did exist and it was quite desirable and valuable). They decided they weren't ever going to build on it and offered it to DH and me. They wouldn't take more than $1 for it, just enough to make it legal, but Mom did stipulate that if we sold the property, we had to share the proceeds with my sisters. No problem. We sold it ten years later, and I sent my sisters checks with a letter explaining their windfall. Because it was such a complete surprise, they were delighted and each of them said they were so glad they had not been saddled with the property and taxes for the past ten years!

They each also said I didn't have to share the proceeds because none of them knew anything about it! Aside from the fact that I had promised to share and wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hadn't, I was also more than a little afraid that Mom would haunt me if I didn't. She has visited me more than once since her death in 1979, but they've all been pleasant visits and I didn't want that to change.

My girls and I have talked about who would like what, and I've made notes for when (or if) I ever get around to making a will. They're good friends, so I don't expect they'll squabble when the time comes.

Queen Colleen

 

[mom2rtk]

Just DON'T do what my MIL did. She left us 2 big pieces of furniture with instructions that we were to never sell them. OK. I don't think they're worth anything but seriously...... 8 years later I STILL don't have anywhere to put them. They are sitting in the garage. I'm pretty sure that's not what she wanted either, but seriously.... who requires that you put big pieces in your house?

 

[momof1princess]

i second giving family members sentimental items now. a couple of years ago, my grandmother gave me a ring, not especially valuable, maybe a few hundred dollars; but, it was the last piece of jewelry my beloved grandfather bought for her. i would LOVE to be able to wear it, but, it's rather large, and the size is WAY too big for my hands-DGM has huge knuckles due to arthritis and popping them constantly when she was growing up. anyway, i have the ring hidden, and will give it DD16 someday (she's the only great-granddaughter, just as i'm the only granddaughter).

i don't really want anything else from my DGM or mom, except family photos. i have NO photos of my childhood. not one.

 

[dyna]

Just remember just because you love it think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread your children might not.

I too thinned out some of my things when we downsized an moved to FL I did ask my DD's mid 30's if they wanted things before I got rid of them they usually did not....I've wondered if they was still to young to appreciate most of them.

Funny how we feel about some things as we grow older 30 yrs ago I was very upset that DH would not buy me my aunts Hoosier cabinet now I'm glad he didn't as I no longer have a place for it in my life.

 

[powellrj]

My parents downsized last year and got rid of most things. The problem was nobody really wanted anything and my mom was really mad about it. I don't have room for what I have now, sure didn't need her stuff too!

They finally ended up having an auction house come in and sell it all for them. We each did keep a few small things and I have told my mom I want her corning wear cornflower pattered items when she is no longer using them, but the other things can just be sold.

 

[lauradis]

Just don't ship it to them. My grandparents sent me their beloved silver set in two boxes. I opened the box without the card first and started to cry. Thinking that one of them had died.

down size time in 13 more years.

I'm letting them come get anything they want every thing else is going to estate sale before we ditch the house.

 

[pioneer89]

It's easy, you pick your favorite child, and let them claim stuff first.

When my DW's Grandmother passed, the kids just did a round-robin type thing, where people picked one thing and went around over and over. Went real smooth, but the siblings always got along anyway.

I've seen families do the auction thing, where everything goes up for auction, and if a child wants it, they bid on it. I went to one sale where I didn't know the family, and things got real bitter between the family as a few $20 items went for $300-$400. The auctioneer was happy though.

The easiest way is to divide it up now and write it all down.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

It's easy, you pick your favorite child, and let them claim stuff first.

When my DW's Grandmother passed, the kids just did a round-robin type thing, where people picked one thing and went around over and over. Went real smooth, but the siblings always got along anyway.

I've seen families do the auction thing, where everything goes up for auction, and if a child wants it, they bid on it. I went to one sale where I didn't know the family, and things got real bitter between the family as a few $20 items went for $300-$400. The auctioneer was happy though.

The easiest way is to divide it up now and write it all down.

This is what my grandmother had told my mom and her two sisters to do. Problem is someone was a petty *)?@$ about it. Grandmother was married twice -- once to my mom's dad and once to the sisters' dad. So mom got number three in the pickings. Sister #1 took the engagement ring her dad had given to grandma, Sister #2 took the engagement ring my mother's dad had given my grandmother. My mom said "but my dad gave that to her" and her answer was basically "oh well, you're #3". As much as you would like to hope people won't be petty, I'd rather be safe than have people deal with that nonsense along with my death.

 

[Pakey]

My parents set their trust so that my brothers and I have to purchase from the estate anything we want to keep. The pieces from our grandparents were already given to us (I hate mine).

Since I am not sentimental I can't imagine that I will purchase anything back from the estate.

I only have one child and one grandchild. My son, like me, is not sentimental. I hope he gets rid of all of my junk when I'm gone including the hideous artifact I inherited from my grandparents.

 

[MagicalMawMaw]

We have 4 children, 3 girls & one boy.

Our son gets his Dad's entire gun collection.

I had my 3 girls to each write down 3 things they would like to have. They did this & gave me thier list. Thankfully, everybody wrote something different down.

These were keepsake things like :

1. the little dress I made them from my wedding dress & they all wore on their 1st birthday for pictures.

2. our 25th Mickey lennox keepsake from our Disney trip

3. Our wedding cake topper

Most of our stuff our kids really won't want anyway. They already have their own stuff & you only need so much of stuff anyway. But everybody has something special that means something to them that they want because of memories.

(I remember when my grandma was living I often told her , Gran I want your Cocoa can. When she passed on her Hersheys Chocolate Cocoa can had my name on it. She has been gone for over 25 years now...but I can just look at that can & in my mind see her with it sitting on her kitchen cabinet in her farm house as she mixed up us a batch of fudge. She would then put the hot pan in a bucket of cool water on her back porch & stir it till it turned into perfect chocolate fudge. The can isn't worth much to others but to me it is totally priceless!)

 

[RyMacJ]

I'm an only, so I will get everything of my parents'. They are packrats, too, so there is no telling what I will find.

My Grandmother had instructions to do the roundtable thing, with her oldest child going first and continuing in order. She did it on purpose. When my Grandfather died in '82, she heard my aunt (who is now my ex aunt and who my Grandmother did not like AT ALL) tell my uncle, "when your mother dies, make sure we get that!", referring to a beautiful antique secretary they had. I think it may have even been at a gathering after the funeral! (I wasn't born yet). My Grandmother made sure to tell my dad not to let that woman get her hands on that secretary.

When his mother passed in '93, guess what was the first item Dad (the oldest) picked My dad still laughs when he remembers the look on ex-aunt's face when he chose that secretary. (which is still beautiful and will one day be mine).

 

[Kirby]

I was just talking to my mom the other day about this very subject. She is 82 and in decent health. But she does have a lot of stuff that's been passed down. She really needs to designate where and who she wants to receive it before she passes.

 

[TinkTock]

I agree with Barkley -- put it in writing. I am an only, and I have an only. My mother is adamant that her great aunt's china come to me when she passes, as well as all her jewelry. However, her husband found out just how much the china is worth and I'm thinking it will be a fight. I've also told my mom she should put everything in her will but who knows if she actually did.

If it's that important to your mom that you get the china, she should give it to you now.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

If it's that important to your mom that you get the china, she should give it to you now.

My mom is only 67 and in good health so it's a little early for that. That was my point in suggesting it be specifically mentioned in a Will, if everyone gave away their stuff that they want others to have, they would haven't anything themselves.

 

[mom2rtk]

My husband's grandmother left her china to him in her will. His mother always told me that when we were engaged. But she decided not to give it to him until we had an actual china cabinet to put it in. We finally got a nice dining room set and she still decided not to give it to him. We finally took it from her estate after we had been married almost 20 years.

We eventually bought other nice dishes and now our traditional family dinners are with those dishes, so the china sits in the back of the cabinet and has never been used.

If you really want someone to have something, find a good time to give it to them.

 

[alizesmom]

Just DON'T do what my MIL did. She left us 2 big pieces of furniture with instructions that we were to never sell them. OK. I don't think they're worth anything but seriously...... 8 years later I STILL don't have anywhere to put them. They are sitting in the garage. I'm pretty sure that's not what she wanted either, but seriously.... who requires that you put big pieces in your house?

Don't sell them. Give them to the Salvation Army.

 

[mom2rtk]

Don't sell them. Give them to the Salvation Army.

I think that's a great plan. I'm just still waiting for my husband to realize how crazy it is to have those pieces still sitting there 8 years later....

 

[minkydog]

Most of our stuff our kids really won't want anyway. They already have their own stuff & you only need so much of stuff anyway. But everybody has something special that means something to them that they want because of memories.

(I remember when my grandma was living I often told her , Gran I want your Cocoa can. When she passed on her Hersheys Chocolate Cocoa can had my name on it. She has been gone for over 25 years now...but I can just look at that can & in my mind see her with it sitting on her kitchen cabinet in her farm house as she mixed up us a batch of fudge. She would then put the hot pan in a bucket of cool water on her back porch & stir it till it turned into perfect chocolate fudge. The can isn't worth much to others but to me it is totally priceless!)

I totally agree. There is almost nothing I want from my mother's house and at 57, I am trying valiantly to trim down my own stuff. The last thing I need is my dad's extensive collection of Russian war history books or her tacky roll-top desk or her gigantic Sears-Robuck 1970s dark wood dining table with matching gigantic chairs AND hutch (it's a monstrosity!)

The things I would want are her wooden spoons. My DD, who is doing culinary school, recently got her old rolling pin, very fitting don't you think? Mother says she wants to start giving stuff away, but the trouble is she can't give ANYTHING away until she has gone to every single child and every single grandchild and gotten all their approvals. Not even exaggerating. Several years ago, my two older kids asked her for a set of gaudy lamps that had belonged to my dad's parents. These things are truly god-awful. NOBODY wanted them except my kids, who are kinda weird, bordering on eccentric anyway. It took her a long time to give them to the kids, and then she has continually second guessed herself or tried to put conditions on the lamps. I finally told her if it's going to cause so much distress I'll just bring the lamps back. Nope, she doesn't want that either.

I really hope that I will remember these lessons as I get older. We recently redid our wills and our attorney suggested that rather than leave household things to people in the will, that we just write a non-binding addendum. Kind of a "road-map" for the kids, so they'll know where things needs to go. I wrote it up and I keep it on my laptop. As I give stuff away, I can delete it.

We are leaving the house/structure to Christian, to be sold or used as rental property. Everything else goes to the other two kids. I have left specific instructions about certain things that would be valuable only to them. For instance, my DD gets my big silver cake box full of family recipes. My DS gets a particular Christmas ornament that he always puts on the tree. DS gets all DH's jewelry, DD gets all mine. DD gets my wedding dress, DS gets the piano. They can keep, donate, or sell the motorcycle, the vehicles and the camper, the yard equipment, MILs dishes, the furniture, and the engraved flatware, et al. If they don't want the stuff and a cousin does, I hope they will pass things on to the cousin. But mostly I just hope they can take what they want and get rid of the rest. Truly, it will not hurt my feelings if they just have the Salvation Army truck back up to the door and shovel it all in!