How do I live my life with this lurking over my head?

[LeahA]

I look at my calender with things marked on each day, whether it is a school function or a party invite. I look at days marked "vacation" and I know I should be excited about these things but, I'm not.

The doctor said my mom has a 1 year maximum life expectancy. I feel it will be less, the cancer is in her liver, she is jaundice, they are not doing chemo, she doesn't look right to me, seems spacey or disoriented.

How do I plan? How do I go from day to day and not be walking around like miss gloom and doom? How do I go to that party and smile? How do I take that vacation with my dh and kids and have fun? How do I look at the months on my calender and just keep living knowing that my mom is going to die?

I know I can't just stop living, I know that I need to do these things for myself and for my family. But, how do I accept the unevitable and just move on?

 

[Mskanga]

Leah , take this from me ( my 14 year old daughter is fighting cancer right now ) Enjoy all the things you CAN do everyday , if it is sitting and chatting with your mom , watching a movie , shopping , doing some kind of hobby , cherish every moment you have NOW and don't think about the future , live the today and now.
Nobody's future is guaranteed , enjoy every day as it comes. HUGS.

 

[LeahA]

Mskanga-My heart goes out to you and your daughter. It's so hard to go from day to day not knowing. I know I need to keep living, spending time with my mom and also spending time with my dh and my children. I also know that I need the "me" time. Thank you for posting. I'll keep you both in my prayers.

 

[safetymom]

I agree with enjoying every day. Sometimes you may have to take life minute by minute. We all know we are going to die someday but knowing they only gave her a year is hard. But that is no guarantee, she may live longer than that.

When my parents died I didn't feel any regrets because I had shown them and told them how much I loved them. That is all we can do. I am sure your Mother would want you to go on living life.

I will keep you all in my prayers.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I have no advice, all I can give is a

 

[TheDisneyGirl02]

I sadly can't offer advice - I wish I could. I can send many hugs your way, however.

I belong to a support site online call dailystrength.org. I joined it after years of suffering from PTSD from a car accident. I was finally able to meet people who went through what I've gone through. Maybe you can find some advice on there.

Take care of yourself.

 

[you'llbeinmyheart]

my dad told me one piece of advice i think might help: enjoy the time you have don't dread what might be coming
feel better!

 

[sjaakie]

I'm fighting cancer myself and I i tell my family they have to live a wonderfull life.
I don't want them to moan around and they have to live there own lives. It would bother me so much if they planned there lives around me.

 

[TheDisneyGirl02]

I'm fighting cancer myself and I i tell my family they have to live a wonderfull life.
I don't want them to moan around and they have to live there own lives. It would bother me so much if they planned there lives around me.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I would take minute by minute. I wouldn't take a vacation, I have been down this road and the one time we went away my Grandmother passed. The guilt I had lasted for years and still brings me to tears today.
Spend as much time as you can and realize each moment counts and you will never be able to get time back.

You are in my thoughts & prayers....

 

[minkydog]

When my dad was dying nothing else mattered. At dad's request, we left him in the hospital to attend a family reunion 6hrs away. We drove there, ate dinner with the family and got THE CALL--Dad had taken a drastic turn for the worse and was being flown to Duke University. We literally handed off our 3 kids to my sister, got in the car and left for another 6hr drive to Durham. Thankfully, he made it through the night and from that point on I never left.

I think what your experiencing is completely normal when you know your losing a parent. How can anyone make plans at a time like that? My suggestion would be to ask your family to be understanding during this time and to support your need to spend as much time as possible with your mom. Try not to be mad if your DH or your kids get tired of the whole thing--my kids did. EVen though they understand what's going on, they aren't losing their mother--no one knows what it's like until it happens to you. It's a sad, sad time, so if you need to cry let it out. If you don't want your kids to see you crying, take the dog for a loooong walk, then sit on the curb and cry. (I did this when I lost a baby several years ago and I can swear by it.)

Here's a hug for you. This is going to be difficult for you but you'll get through it. You will never regret the time you spend with your mother.

 

[Rustysmom]

I kind of agree with what some previous posters said. My mother is very ill with cancer and there is no way I would take a vacation now. She would want me to, but I just couldn't because with my luck, something would happen when I went away and we are the only caregivers she has.

I'm very lucky that we went to WDW twice last year before all this happened. We were going to go back at Christmas, even promised my DS and everything, but forget about it now. Even if something happens to her soon, I still wouldn't go on vacation this year. I don't even feel like going shopping, much less vacation. I dread my kid's birthdays and my son's confirmation in October because my mom probably won't be here to see any of them. I'm especially sad that she'll probably miss his Confirmation because she was looking forward to it and she's very religious.

My kids don't really understand and they don't want to go to Nana's every day because it's boring and she doesn't even have cable TV, and they are sad that we haven't done much fun stuff lately, but I tell my DS that this is a sacrifice that he's making for Nana and that Nana would have done anything she could for him if he was sick.

Good luck whatever you decide and try to enjoy every day with your mother as it comes.

 

[zalansky]

Leah - your post brings up so many memories for me and I DO know how you feel. I have been through it with both of my parents, knowing they were dying. My mom always told me that life has to go on which was true. Its hard, HARD but you have more strength than you realize. Many hugs to you - I really do feel for you.

 

[LeahA]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts and advice.

My thought process was that mom is doing good right now, and that things will change in the future. She is doing radiation, she is not on hospice, she is not in bed all the time, she seen a dietician to help her organize her meals. Her doctor took her off some medicine that she doesn't need anymore that was interacting with some other medicine. She even talked about doing chemo, she was going to talk more to her oncologist today.

I am not alone with my mom, I have my dad and I have 3 brothers and 3 sister-inlaw's who have been a huge support to my mom and my dad. We have a large, close family. My mom and I talk at least 3 times a day and I visit right now once a week. They live 1-1/2 hours away from my house. When there comes the time to be by her bedside on a daily basis, I will be.

What I've been learning from all of this, is that we never know when our time is up. My mom could be around 1 day more/1 week more/1 month more or 1 year more. I can't just curl up in a ball and not live my life. I have my husband and my 3 boys who are 4/7/10 to care for as well. No matter when it happens, it will be the worse thing I will have gone through in my life. I can't obsess about it, I can' t prepare for it. I need to live one day at a time.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Recently someone said to me and I have posted this before that none of us are born with an expiration date stamped on our body........the fact they say a year, well some people outlive what doctors say.

I agree with Mskanga.......live each day as if it is your last, go for the gusto, live in the minute and spend whatever time you can with her positively.....loving her and saying whatever you need to say to her. Mothers and daughters have a very special bond....I went back and made sure that I had read it correctly... you are the only daughter, there are brothers and sisters in law and your father, but you are her only daughter. Those are important words to remember........stay focused, strong, positive and spend as much time as you can with her.....

Hugs and prayers to you..

sjaakie, keep fighting and take care of yourself.. I have you in my prayers..

 

[Grandbuddy]

The fact that you love your mom as much as you do says to me that she has always given you the love she should have given you as your mother - even when she was going through tough times. Though you must be sensitive to her needs and care for her, she would hope that your focus remains on your own children right now. After all, she went through this, herself, at some point. My mom is 77 and has late stage liver cancer; hospice will be coming in when she reaches the point where she and dad can't take care of things. I'm 3 hours away, but am home a good bit right now. I'm trying to give my parents the space to enjoy their last good days together, and I am also continuing to focus on my children and young grandchildren, as she did on mine, even while we were losing Granny (her mom). Mom is at peace with the situation, and my dad is trying to get there. God bless you, and all the others going through this situation. You can get through this.

 

[you'llbeinmyheart]

you're still in my prayers

 

[lookingforward]

Oh, I am so sorry! I agree that you should try and push the sad thoughts from your mind and enjoy your mom in the moment. I am currently fighting breast cancer and although I have a decent chance to beat this...I also have a 9 year old. Negative thoughts are going through my mind all the time...and I found that it was consuming me and making me incapable of enjoying the here and now. I have to make a DETERMINED effort to enjoy each day and stop worrying or wishing it were different.

See if your mom's doctors can help her with her pain and alertness and do things that she likes. You and your family are in my prayers and thoughts.

 

[SusieStone]

I lost my son's father unexpectedly from a cerebral hemorrhage after trick or treating Halloween night 2007. DS is 6 and we still have a tough time sometimes. However 20 years prior before I knew him, he had brain cancer and survived. That being said. His mother says she was prepared for him to go during the brain cancer battle but of course Halloween night was one big shock.

IMO, you need to make sure you live your life to the fullest and celebrate life. Every second you have with her is precious.

 

[britz]

My thoughts are with you . I lost my mom 7 years ago. I remember thinking how am I going to be me without her. She was such a big part of my life everyday. But she said to me this...we have the opportunity that so many don't get and that is for closure. We have the opportunity to say goodbye. I stayed by her side those final days until I had to go home to my family feeling like I had a broken heart. I felt sick and knew something was wrong. I went to the doctor and he ordered a chest xray. I seriously felt like my heart had broken. Well what I had was a collapsed lung. I got admitted to the hospital and called my sister who was at my mom's side and she told me she had passed. I was sure I would be by her side when she passed. I had to be..we were best friends. She passed from lung cancer and I had a collapsed lung how can this be? But I have never felt like I let her down not being there. I knew my sister was there because she was suppose to be there. I was far to emotional. Hospice told me that she had told them she was not afraid to die. She was afraid to leave her children. She wanted us to live a happy life. I did find myself slipping into a depression after she died. I was able to remember those words. This is what she did not want. I miss her still after 7 years. I still feel my connection with her. She is gone from me physically but I still feel her presence daily!
Hang in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you.