How do I handle this situation????

[disneybridetobe]

If you tell her that you don't want her doing it, do NOT spin this in terms of inappropriate nudity. Concentrate on the safety perspective, and you will have the same effect without insulting her. Just tell her that you are concerned that the toddler might get away from her again and how problematic it would be if she herself slipped and fell in that situation. As long as she would normally wear a robe outside the bathroom in your home, the nudity otherwise should not be an issue for you.

I agree 110%.

However, I'm sorry YOU had to see her naked! You poor woman!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Just a few questions. What on earth made her decide that she needed to take a bath right then and there and how did a grown woman actually fit into a bathtub with 2 18 month olds and actually wash herself?

 

[Jenvenza]

I am so sorry your little one got hurt in the tub! I am sure you are frustrated that it happened and that your MIL wasnt watching them better. I also think the whole bathing thing seems pretty innocent to me - and even though I would be a little surprised by it, I would try not to make a big deal of it. BUT - I would ask her to please not do it again, because of safety issues. You always need to keep an eye on kids when they are in the tub and that is hard to do when you are drying off.

 

[livie1205]

I take baths with my dd all the time she just turned 3 so I will not do it much longer but at that age (18 months) it would not bother me at all if she had took a bath with my mom...its my mom,unless you have a concern with someone touching her I would not make a big deal out of it.
all familys do not feel the same about this so if it makes you icky then just ask her to not do it again...

 

[bookgirl]

I guess I am coming from a different place as well, because my daughter takes baths with either myself or my mom. Sometimes she asks to take them by herself, but she is tickled pink to take a shower with one of us.

She's four, so we're starting to put a stop to it ... but I don't see anything wrong with it.

To each their own, I guess.

I'm kinda with you, my nephews loved showers when they were babies/toddlers and if someone was in the shower they would get naked and climb in. I let them until they began to talk really well around 2 1/2...that's when the questions started and after that it was seperate showers only though we still answered the questions after all. Just cut down the opportunity to give them more ammo.

 

[dyna]

Good thing your DD to young to remember seeing grandma NEKKI OMG the poor child prolly would need extensive therapy for life.

 

[Sillyminny40]

It would be nice to see what the OP thinks of all these comments.

 

[smylie1]

Just a few questions. What on earth made her decide that she needed to take a bath right then and there and how did a grown woman actually fit into a bathtub with 2 18 month olds and actually wash herself?

That's what I was thinking. I can't imagine my MIL getting out of our pool and deciding that she and my child needed a bath so badly that it had to be done right then and there. I find the whole thing very odd.

Having been a victum of sexual abuse as a child, I am overly sensitive to any situation that involves adults and children. I'm not saying anything like that was going on, but I am extremely protective of my children around other adults, be it family or strangers.

Please make sure your children (everyone, not just OP) knows exactly what a bad touch is and that is completely OK to tell whomever they feel comfortable telling.

 

[Willow25]

It would be nice to see what the OP thinks of all these comments.

Sorry I am in Australia so with the time difference this was my first chance to get back on here.

First I have no problem with a parent making a decision about bathing with their own child. That is what has partially upset me that my MIL took it upon herself to decide that that was okay for my child. I do not believe that my MIL had any intent to cause harm nor do I have any concerns that she would ever abuse my child. I trust her implicitly and would not want to cause her any further distress over the situation. That is why I asked the question on here because I want to handle it in the best way possible.

However I do work with children everyday that have been abused by grandma's, mom's, dad's, uncle's etc. It is almost always someone the child knows and that the family trusts. What I have learned in my job is that it is important to teach your child protective behaviours of their own body which includes that there is no need to be naked in front of another adult except to get dressed or ready for bed. Even in that scenario minimal touching alone is okay.

I understand that not every family will operate like that but as a parent I believe that is my decision not MIL's for my child.

Second I do not want my MIL to think that I am asking her not to bath with my child because of safety because that is not the sole reason. I want her to understand that unless absolutely necessary I don't want her naked in front of my child. There is no need for it to happen.

As for my DH he was horrified as well about the bathing and does not recall ever bathing with his mother growing up.

My DH chickened out talking to his mother last night so I have given him two weeks to have the discussion or I will.

 

[sk!mom]

Since your MIL may not have the best judgement, I would simply watch really closely in the future and avoid leaving her alone with your DD. Your DH should just tell her flat out- "no more nudity or bathing with DD."

As far as the image of your MIL naked- sorry but that's probably permanently burned into your brain

 

[Leajess99]

This past weekend my in laws came up (they live four hours away) to babysit our 18 month old daughter Friday night while we went to a birthday party. The next day we drove over to my brother in law's house to visit with them and have a swim in their pool. They have a 17 month old daughter as well. After we were done swimming my MIL grabbed my daughter and took her in to have a bath with her cousin who was being supervised by her mother.

After a few minutes I heard a big splash and a bang then my daughter screaming. I ran to the bathroom door opened it and was shocked to see my MIL naked drying herself off with a towel. My sister in law was not in there and both girls were standing in the bath, my daugher screaming. I asked my MIL what happened and to hand me a towel. She stated, "she JUST slipped". I got the towel ready and was trying to sooth my daughter while my naked MIL gives her a big hug. I get my daughter out of the bath and try to settle her down. I sat on the couch with her and gave her, her blankey. She sucked on the corner pulled it away and I saw blood. I called out to my husband to come and have a look at her. In the meanwhile I heard a crunch and saw the corner of one of her front two teeth chip away. Then noticed a big egg forming on her forehead. So we did everything we could think of ice, etc. and she had a dental appointment today for an x-ray.

In the meantime my MIL comes out of the bathroom and my husband asks her what happened. She says I don't know I was in the bath with the girls, then I got out and was drying myself off while they were standing watching me. I did not see what happened!!

Okay first off who gave her the right to make the decision that it is okay to bathe naked with my child. Second how can you supervise two toddlers effectively while naked and drying off. There were six adults in the house, couldn't she have asked someone for assistance.

I am trying really hard to be understanding, I know accidents happen and kids fall a lot at this age. But we are hypervigilant around baths because of how dangerouse they can be.

My MIL is feeling really low about this situation and so far the only thing we have said is that accidents happen and that we all just need to move on. However I am not sure how to broach the subject of not getting into the bath or being nude around my daughter. I work in foster care and I am a strong believer in teaching kids protective behaviors concerning their bodies. How can my husband have this conversation with her without making her feel worse? Also how can I get the image of my naked MIL out of my head?

OMGosh I am so sorry you and your dd had to go through that. I so would have been pissed as well. I hope your dd is okay. Your mil should feel bad. I'm sorry but without your permission she should never have gotten into the bath with that baby.

 

[Sillyminny40]

I really appreciate you saying that it is your decision about your child. Yes, you are also right about being honest but how to say it in the right way? A challenge indeed.
Quote: Second I do not want my MIL to think that I am asking her not to bath with my child because of safety because that is not the sole reason. I want her to understand that unless absolutely necessary I don't want her naked in front of my child. There is no need for it to happen.

Maybe, just maybe, you should not leave the child alone with her. Something just is not right with the MIL. I am so sorry.

 

[NotUrsula]

However I do work with children everyday that have been abused by grandma's, mom's, dad's, uncle's etc. It is almost always someone the child knows and that the family trusts. What I have learned in my job is that it is important to teach your child protective behaviours of their own body which includes that there is no need to be naked in front of another adult except to get dressed or ready for bed. Even in that scenario minimal touching alone is okay.

While I would agree completely with you in the case of a somewhat older child, these kids are still diaper-aged. They get their naked bottoms wiped all the time by anyone who takes care of them, and they have to be actively bathed, not just helped to bathe. At 17 months they are just too young yet to be able to make the distinction between proper and improper touch. It has been my experience that the touch topic just has to wait for the completion of toilet training.

I do not see how you are going to avoid mortally insulting your MIL in bringing this nudity issue up with the children being the age that they are. She is almost surely going to feel that you are implying that it looked like she had some kind of prurient motive, when she was very probably just thinking to save time and maybe even to save water (this being Australia, after all.) If you really need MIL to babysit while you are recovering from your next childbirth, you may want to reconsider your timing and let this subject lie for a few weeks until that situation has passed; it is entirely possible that she will back out if she feels that she has been insulted on this level -- an implication of perceived sexual perversion with regard to young children (even if that is NOT what is intended) is just about the most loaded topic you could ever bring up. Even if you couch it in terms of what an outsider might have thought that it looked like, you are still going to be walking on the very thinnest of ice.

Also, have you spoken to your SIL? She left the girls with MIL in the bathroom -- did she know that it was MIL's intent to hop into the tub with them? She might have been fully aware and just not bothered to mention it to you before the fact. It's also possible that MIL was habitually casual about being naked in front of her daughter but not her son; lots of families make that same-sex distinction.

I have been thinking about this, and something struck me in the way you described the aftermath of the fall. You said that MIL immediately hugged the baby to try to comfort her -- even though you had come rushing into the bathroom. To me that is to her credit, that all her thoughts were still on comforting the baby and trying to calm her down and survey her injuries, rather than rushing to cover up out of embarassment when other adults suddenly came into the room.

 

[Willow25]

While I would agree completely with you in the case of a somewhat older child, these kids are still diaper-aged. They get their naked bottoms wiped all the time by anyone who takes care of them, and they have to be actively bathed, not just helped to bathe. At 17 months they are just too young yet to be able to make the distinction between proper and improper touch. It has been my experience that the touch topic just has to wait for the completion of toilet training..

I have not nor do I plan to have the conversation with my child until she is older about appropriate touching. I guess I believe that it is never too early to teach my daughter modesty and protective behaviors. As a parent I believe that is my decision to make not my MIL.

I do not see how you are going to avoid mortally insulting your MIL in bringing this nudity issue up with the children being the age that they are. She is almost surely going to feel that you are implying that it looked like she had some kind of prurient motive, when she was very probably just thinking to save time and maybe even to save water (this being Australia, after all.) If you really need MIL to babysit while you are recovering from your next childbirth, you may want to reconsider your timing and let this subject lie for a few weeks until that situation has passed; it is entirely possible that she will back out if she feels that she has been insulted on this level -- an implication of perceived sexual perversion with regard to young children (even if that is NOT what is intended) is just about the most loaded topic you could ever bring up. Even if you couch it in terms of what an outsider might have thought that it looked like, you are still going to be walking on the very thinnest of ice..

I think the words mortally wounding is a bit strong. If she wanted to save water then she could have gotten into the bath when the kids were out this certainly would have been a safer option. We would never insuate that there was any sexual perversion just that we don't want any adult in the bathtub with our daughter. That is after all our decision to make as her parents.

Also, have you spoken to your SIL? She left the girls with MIL in the bathroom -- did she know that it was MIL's intent to hop into the tub with them? She might have been fully aware and just not bothered to mention it to you before the fact. It's also possible that MIL was habitually casual about being naked in front of her daughter but not her son; lots of families make that same-sex distinction..

My MIL had two sons so SIL is also an in law. I have wanted to ask her but I am not willing to chance the fact that she or her husband will then bring it up to MIL and cause further complications. Again I understand that some people are comfortable with the same-sex nuditity my husband and I are not therefore it should not occur with our daughter.

I have been thinking about this, and something struck me in the way you described the aftermath of the fall. You said that MIL immediately hugged the baby to try to comfort her -- even though you had come rushing into the bathroom. To me that is to her credit, that all her thoughts were still on comforting the baby and trying to calm her down and survey her injuries, rather than rushing to cover up out of embarassment when other adults suddenly came into the room.

Actually when I came rushing into the bathroom MIL was bent over drying herself while my daughter was standing in the bathtub screaming. I hugged my daughter asked MIL for a towel to get her out and after handing me the towel she then hugged her. Don't get me wrong MIL is a wonderful person and loves my daughter very much. However her judgement was way off on the day and I don't think it is something that I can let go of. I will not feel comfortable in the hospital wondering what is happening at home around bathtime etc.

 

[barkley]

this is kind of off the topic but i thought i'de pass something on to you o.p.-it came from both dh and i formerly working in foster care.

from the time we had children the rule in our home (and we insisted family outside the home follow the rule for our kids) was "we don't have secrets".

so many of the abused kids dh and i encountered were kept silent by abusers who initialy told them "this is our secret". in an effort to prevent anyone using this on one of our children we taught them from an early age that "in our family we don't have secrets-we have ideas and surprises". we taught them that an idea is a wonderful thing that is meant to be shared, and a surprise is an exciting thing you realy look forward to sharing.

 

[jamesmommy]

Actually when I came rushing into the bathroom MIL was bent over drying herself while my daughter was standing in the bathtub screaming. I hugged my daughter asked MIL for a towel to get her out and after handing me the towel she then hugged her. Don't get me wrong MIL is a wonderful person and loves my daughter very much. However her judgement was way off on the day and I don't think it is something that I can let go of. I will not feel comfortable in the hospital wondering what is happening at home around bathtime etc.

This and this alone is why MIL would never watch my children again, not anything to do with the joint bath. The fact that your child was screaming and MIL was casually drying off with her back turned, not to mention the extent of your daughter's injuries would have clinched it. How could she NOT know something was wrong.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

The longer you wait to talk to her the worse the conversation is going to be. I do agree that I would have been super po'd that my child is standing there screaming and she is ignoring her. She might be a nice woman but she that doesn't make her a great babysitter. Good luck OP.

 

[WantToGoNow]

When my children were younger, they would bathe with grandma and grandpa when they spent the night - my son with be in the shower with grandpa and my dd would bathe with grandma. Now that they are older (7 and 5), they don't do that but as small children, the grandparent's didn't even question whether I thought it was ok or not - I really didn't care. I only found out about it when my ds came home one time and mentioned the size of papa's __________. I said something to my dad and I think that's when it stopped.

 

[Chris]

OP~ how were the X-rays of your dd's teeth? sorry if I missed that update.

I'm also very sorry you had to get a glimpse of your MIL in nothing but her birth day suit! ACK. I'd scoop my eyes out with a spoon if that had been me and my MIL.

 

[Sillyminny40]

Willow how old is MIL and do you often leave the children with her? This might help in the discussion. (I really am feeling so bad for you all the way in Australia, egads! I have a wonderful loving MIL but she is not 100% right on either...)