How do I find out? Update - thanks for all the PM's.

[Frantasmic]

You got the "damage control" version of the story. I think your husband thinks it "worked" too. And in a way, it did.

You want to find out what really happened, already prepared to forgive him for just about anything except a sexual act.

He went somewhere he shouldn't, probably had it planned for a while, and got caught by someone and now he is afraid you will find out. So, he told you half the story, hoping you would accept it (where he is in the best light) and go on from there.

Everyone here has given you solid advice: don't involve the ex-gf (she'll give you a collaborative damage control story as well), get to the bottom of why your husband felt he needed/wanted/could get away with this type of behavior, and refuse ANY sexual contact until you get to the bottom of it and he gets tested. Get tested yourself, just in case, his behavior wasn't the first time this occured.

 

[CathrynRose]

No kids? I would seriously consider seperating with all of the background info you have given. A married man that walks in the door and then says they are going out with their ex girlfriend, well, that is very BOLD and unusual. Me personally I would have to seperate because I couldn't lie awake when he is gone and wonder if he is with her.
No way would I put myself through that.

As a person who went out with a cheater...well....sounds like he was "caught" (by someone) and you "may" hear about it so if he "tells you" he has a story in the works.
Like he was never AT the FOOTBALL game or she was with him. Or something like that.

I'm sorry to say this - but I 2nd this.

 

[Whatnext?]

I made an appointment with a counselor this morning and we are going for our first visit on Thursday afternoon.

I don't want to involve the girl. I know a little about her and I'm pretty sure she would get a big kick out of me contacting her so I wouldn't really trust what she told me. I'm not excusing DH at all because I'm pretty sure he lied about what really happened but that doesn't mean she would tell the truth either. I'm just going to have to get past not knowing what really happened. She isn't really the important part of this whole problem. If this is an indication of larger problems in our marriage then it doesn't matter who she is or what specifically happend - she could have been anybody. Hopefully he will come clean in counseling. I have been absolutely clear with him that there will be absolutely no sexual activity (even if I wasn't absolutely furious with him and not at all inclined towards sexual activity at the moment) until he has been to a doctor and I have seen proof that he has a clean bill of health.

 

[dennis99ss]

Jeez.......

You know, you may just be feeling insecure in your relationship, and, blowing up what dh said out of proportion. He may have told you the truth. For some reason you do not trust him enough to believe him. What is so unbelievable about setting up a meeting with the ex, and then having cold feet, and coming home and confessing, and telling the wife that he thought about this, but his love for dw overcame the thought of stray xxx. Why do you automatically think he cheated, when he had not in the past. I think there is a huge difference between telling half truths, etc. about where you go, what you do, and other minor things, and cheating.

So, he goes out, he sees ex, they do the deed and he comes back two hours later. I don't know about you, but, if I had a hall pass at home, and it was my intention to cheat, I think I would spend more than an hour in the hotel room with her, half hour to meet up, 15 minutes or more to get the room, etc. a little bit of romance, maybe a bubble bath, etc. hop on the bed. Doesn't leave much time for the fun that you envision, and certainly doesn't make much sense, especially if the ex is having her way with him. Seems like a bit more time would be needed. And, since you didn't find lipstick on his shorts, he would have had to take them off.

I'm not a counselor, but, as a man, I think you may be blowing it out of proportion. And, the speculation that he got caught, doesn't make much sense to me. If you are going to get caught, why only half confess. Wouldn't you wait to see if someone actuually told, and then tell the story, instead of attempting an end around.

Maybe dh misses the hunt. maybe he thought ex could make him feel special again. Maybe he liked the idea of being pursued, but, when it came time to follow through with the flirting, to the point of getting naked, he decided it wasn't for him. I would think that is sign that he does respect you, in that he was able to control lust, in favor of love. And, yes, I know people here will say it is not respect to go out, but, the guy went out, but, he came home.

Just think, if he did not do anything, your holding back/ cutting him off, etc. is going to be like a slap in his face. "I come home to her, and she treats me like Sh**. I could be treated this way if I had actually gotten some of that, so, why don't I just go do that, since she thinks I did already."

 

[mark&sue]

For what it is worth I am sure he wants your marriage to work or he would not be going to counselling. I am sure this has given him a shock and you will hopefully be fine for a long time.

Loads of people feel the need to stray from time to time and some act on it. This sounds like he has found that the grass is not greener and will not do it again.

Fingers crossed for you. It is so easy for people to be so judgemental when it has not happened to them. I don't believe you should just throw a marriage away and it takes work.

Good luck my thoughts are with you.

Any chance you can book a holiday to WDW once you have sorted this out a sort of second honeymoon to get the rest of your life back on track? and of course a treat for you as you need one.


Susan

 

[leighe]

Just think, if he did not do anything, your holding back/ cutting him off, etc. is going to be like a slap in his face. "I come home to her, and she treats me like Sh**. I could be treated this way if I had actually gotten some of that, so, why don't I just go do that, since she thinks I did already."

I don't agree with this at all. If there is any chance that the OP's DH did sleep with this woman then she definitely shouldn't sleep with him until she knows for sure. I agree with the poster who said the story sounds like "damage control." If he really did agree to meet the woman and then turned her down then what would be the point of telling the wife at all? It would just worry her for no reason. I think the OP should trust her instincts and hope that counseling helps.

 

[CookieGVB]

I'm agreeing with the damage control story.

That, and the fact that she just "happened" to call his cell phone while he was at the football game, is fishy. Has he had that number for a while? If not...

I hope you get this resolved.

 

[Saffron]

Don't play any games. Don't try to trick anything out of anyone. Don't listen to the advice of anyone on here other than to trust yourself. You and your husband know better than anyone here. Talk to your husband.

Best of luck with everything.

Words of wisdom from a wise guy.

Seriously, I would listen to jrydberg. He is giving you some wise advice. Best wishes that you guys are able to work things out for now and your future together.

 

[dcentity2000]

No advice, just a



Rich::

 

[misskrystal]

I'm in a similar situation to you.

Last year, I discovered my boyfriend was seeing his ex behing my back (not an affair, but talking and meeting in secret). It almost killed me. I'm not a jealous person and I wouldn't have minded if he was friends with her, but he did it behind my back anyway

When I found out, I told him I didn't want him to have any contact with her.

Tonight I found out he's still doing it. I don't know if it's been happeneing all along, or if it's a recent thing. Still feels terrible

I don't know what to do now

I really feel for you and hope you sort something out. Me too, for that matter

 

[karebear1]

SO- in the title of your thread you say there is an update and then mention she called you. What did she have to say? Any value to it at all?

 

[CathrynRose]

I was thinking the same thing...

Update???

 

[Whatnext?]

I'm in a similar situation to you.

Last year, I discovered my boyfriend was seeing his ex behing my back (not an affair, but talking and meeting in secret). It almost killed me. I'm not a jealous person and I wouldn't have minded if he was friends with her, but he did it behind my back anyway

When I found out, I told him I didn't want him to have any contact with her.

Tonight I found out he's still doing it. I don't know if it's been happeneing all along, or if it's a recent thing. Still feels terrible

I don't know what to do now

I really feel for you and hope you sort something out. Me too, for that matter

Hugs to you. I definitely know how awful you feel right now! My advice would be DON'T MARRY HIM!

My cell phone rang at work (which is really odd, I don't even know why I had it on) and it was the DH's ex. She was calling to tell me that DH really loved me because he ended things before they went "too far" and he talked about me "a lot." Goody. "Really," she says, "We just sat and talked." Oh - thanks. I'll just get over it then. I asked her if anything physical at all happened and there was this really long, long pause before she said, "No. We haven't kissed since last summer." LAST SUMMER?!?!?! Well, now we are in totally new territory. I really did have a splitting headache after this and luckily I'm almost done with a project I'm working on so I just came home from work. DH isn't home yet and I'm not going to call him at work even though I am about to die to call and just let him have it. Apparently every moment I have spent with him for the past year (at least - I honestly don't know how long this has been going on) is a lie. How could he even discuss starting a family with me when he was having this relationship? How could he spend time with my family knowing what was going on? We were looking at new houses for heaven's sake. He kept talking about the perfect tree in the backyard for a tree house or where you would put a playhouse. I don't think this is something I can get over no matter how much counseling we go to. Plus I feel like an idiot because I've never suspected a thing. I just can't believe this is actually happening to me. My life feels like a bad movie right now.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

Get rid of him.

 

[mickeyboat]

OMG! I can't even begin to imagine how I would be feeling in your shoes. I think I would be having the same feelings as you are, and I am not sure I could ever trust him again. Hugs for what will be sure to be tough times ahead. Let us know if you need someone to listen.

Denae

 

[misskrystal]

I'm sitting here right now thinking, 'what's so terrible about me that he could do this to me?'.

I know exactly how you feel, we don't deserve it do we?

Maybe we should become lesbians, then we won't have to deal with horrible men treating us badly (only joking).

 

[momof2inPA]

I see two alternatives here. You either leave him, or you move as a couple away from the ex-girlfriend and his buddies and start over together, just the two of you. I'm pretty sure his job isn't that flexible (is it?), so the first alternative looks like the best option.

 

[Aurora63]

I don't think I could trust him again. But good luck in whatever happens.

 

[Whatnext?]

I'm sitting here right now thinking, 'what's so terrible about me that he could do this to me?'.

I know exactly how you feel, we don't deserve it do we?

Maybe we should become lesbians, then we won't have to deal with horrible men treating us badly (only joking).

Do not think that. This was his stupid mistake not yours. Don't let him make any excuse to get out of it. No matter what kind of problems there were in your relationship (and I'm not saying there were any) he couldn't possibly have thought that having a relationship with another woman was the way to fix them. I am just amazed by DH's stupidity. We didn't even have any major problems. What good did he possibly think could come of this? Was she worth it? I mean, really, if all they did was kiss then it sure as heck better have been a darn good kiss to throw away an entire marriage. I am getting ready to make a list of the things I want to tell him because I'm afraid I'm going to be so angry that I will just start yelling or crying and not ask what I want to ask or say what I want to say.

I could also kick myself because now that I've thought about it for a few hours there are a million questions I should have asked her. I'm not going to contact her but I wish I had had my wits about me when she contacted me. For the past few days I just feel like I keep getting spun around and slapped in the face. I don't even know which way is up right now. I am just walking around our house thinking, "This is all a big lie." Nothing in this house even means the same thing to me as it did three days ago. This is our stuff and there is no "our." We are that stupid couple that everyone things is so happy but apparently we weren't.

Sorry to sound so bitter. I think everything is just now hitting me. I'm going to go have a good cry - it can't make me feel worse.

 

[Microcell]

I am so sorry you have to go through this.