How do I find out? Update - thanks for all the PM's.

[MrsNick]

 

[snowball22]

Ask DH about the "kiss" last summer and then ask him if there was anything more. Your vows have been broken. You need to do some real soul searching to whether you still love him, can trust him, and can forgive him. I have been through a lot myself and have seen many of my friends go through this kind of stuff in their relationships and my observations are........once a cheat, always a cheat. Good luck in you search to find the truth.

 

[CathrynRose]

Dont make any rash decisions...

Take your time, and think this out....

Truly - Good luck!

 

[Pugdog007]

And why exactly did she call you?

 

[Jcricket Fan]

Just a few points that strike me:

How does She have your cell phone #? When did your DH call/see Her to tell/ask Her to contact you? He had to have done this because how would She know damage control needed to be done. In your OP DH told you She got mad when he couldn't "do anything" with Her but in Her call to you She makes it sound as if they had a lovely conversation and even got around to talking about you. The two stories don't match up.

If there is nothing going on why is She involved in the damage control now? Truly not a women of any character that she would be involved in any inappropriate way with a married man. I'm guessing she didn't offer any remorse for her part in your pain. Even if there was nothing physical as of the other day she admitted kissing him during the summer.


My best thoughts to you at this most difficult time.

Colleen

 

[disneymom3]

I think writing everything down is a good idea. DH did something a few years ago that really really upset me. It was pretty big and I knew that if I didn't write out my concerns, my feelings, questions and anger, I woudl not get it all out. I am the type of person that I have to say all I need to say or I am not going to be able to move on. I am glad you have your counselling appt set up already.

Oh, honey, I can't imagine how devastated you are feeling. Maybe she lied about last summer though. If he really is your best friend, hear his side of the story and if you don't feel you can trust that at least give the counselling a shot. I am hoping you still have something to salvage.

I am so sorry.

 

[coolmom99]

Jeez.......

You know, you may just be feeling insecure in your relationship, and, blowing up what dh said out of proportion. He may have told you the truth. For some reason you do not trust him enough to believe him. What is so unbelievable about setting up a meeting with the ex, and then having cold feet, and coming home and confessing, and telling the wife that he thought about this, but his love for dw overcame the thought of stray xxx. Why do you automatically think he cheated, when he had not in the past. I think there is a huge difference between telling half truths, etc. about where you go, what you do, and other minor things, and cheating.

So, he goes out, he sees ex, they do the deed and he comes back two hours later. I don't know about you, but, if I had a hall pass at home, and it was my intention to cheat, I think I would spend more than an hour in the hotel room with her, half hour to meet up, 15 minutes or more to get the room, etc. a little bit of romance, maybe a bubble bath, etc. hop on the bed. Doesn't leave much time for the fun that you envision, and certainly doesn't make much sense, especially if the ex is having her way with him. Seems like a bit more time would be needed. And, since you didn't find lipstick on his shorts, he would have had to take them off.

I'm not a counselor, but, as a man, I think you may be blowing it out of proportion. And, the speculation that he got caught, doesn't make much sense to me. If you are going to get caught, why only half confess. Wouldn't you wait to see if someone actuually told, and then tell the story, instead of attempting an end around.

Maybe dh misses the hunt. maybe he thought ex could make him feel special again. Maybe he liked the idea of being pursued, but, when it came time to follow through with the flirting, to the point of getting naked, he decided it wasn't for him. I would think that is sign that he does respect you, in that he was able to control lust, in favor of love. And, yes, I know people here will say it is not respect to go out, but, the guy went out, but, he came home.

Just think, if he did not do anything, your holding back/ cutting him off, etc. is going to be like a slap in his face. "I come home to her, and she treats me like Sh**. I could be treated this way if I had actually gotten some of that, so, why don't I just go do that, since she thinks I did already."

Only a man would say something like this.

 

[graygables]

I had to go to my parents to deliver DD2, b/c my then-H was in the Army and I was NOT delivering her at an Army hospital. I had to go a month in advance to get everything ready. My H came for the delivery and went back, and then came to get me when DD was 10 days old. As soon as we returned (I mean that very day) I had to start packing us up to move to base housing (we had 3 days to move). So, less than 2 weeks from delivery with a newborn packing and there's a knock on my door. It's some hoochie who walked right into MY house, asking for MY H (and letting her big dog get waaaaay too close to my newborn in her seat). I called him at work and he told me he'd had a "fling" while I was off delivering our child. There's more, but that's the gist of it, just wanted to let you know that I've BTDT with the punch-in-the-stomach feeling.

First thing you do (and you have HIM do) is go to the doctor and get tested for every STD known to man. I didn't do that and wound up with HPV and a chlamydia infection that spread to my tubes and ovaries. I was so sick they thought my appendix had ruptured and had my H ready to return from deployment. Instead, I was left with scarring bad enough that 3 OBs said I'd never have anymore children (although I did have 2 more with my now-DH...silly them!) HPV I'm stuck with forever, along with an increased risk for cervical cancer. It's just not something to mess with.

You can't change the spots on a "cheatah". It is a deep level of disrespect for you and your relationship. There are those who think that counseling can fix it, but I just don't see it happening unless you figure out how to put a tracking bracelet on his ankle and a chastity belt on his you-know-what. Without those kinds of assurances, I'm not trusting anyone who cheats.

I hope you are able to find some peace and resolutions and whatever you do, DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM unless you know he is disease-free.

 

[MScott1851]

and I'm so sorry.

 

[Whatnext?]

How does She have your cell phone #? .

Colleen

I would like to know that as well. DH swears he doesn't know.

When he got home I told him she had called me. He honestly looked surprised. He actually turned bright red and just stood there and looked at me. He denies that they have ever kissed or been physical in any way whatsoever but did admit that they have talked occasionally and "run into" each other. Ironically enough her parents live in the same neighborhood (only 1 street over) as his do. He says that she would see him driving and then call him. He did admit that they have made plans to get together before and that usually they won't talk to each other for a long time and then one will just call the other out of the blue and they will be in contact for a few weeks and then it will fizzle out and so on and so on. I don't believe a word he said - but at this point I wouldn't believe anything out of his mouth that didn't confirm my worst suspicions anyway. He cried and cried and said he was sorry and he loved me and would do anything to make things work but it all seems so hollow to me. I'm just so angry right now. I think he's just sorry he got caught - but he didn't. I'm still confused as to why he told me about Friday night in the first place.

He has left to go and stay at a friend's house. I told him I just couldn't look at him anymore. I seriously have to try to think about something else for a few hours or I am going to go crazy. I have some things to do for work that I am going to try to get started on - just so I'll have to focus on something else. I agreed to keep the counseling appointment on Thursday but I may make an appointment for just me to talk to someone. I'm not sure I want to hear any more of his side of the story right now.

 

[leanne2255]

Sorry you're going through this. Just wanted to send

 

[Patty3]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[chell]

I think he's just sorry he got caught - but he didn't. I'm still confused as to why he told me about Friday night in the first place.

Like someone else said, I'm sure he thinks someone else saw him otherwise he would not have told you anything at all.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Just remember that even though I don't know you personally I do care about you, as do many others here. We are here for you and to lend you all the support we can.

You know still makes me sick to my stomach about my (35 year old) ex? He was hitting on a 16 year old. There is a whole lot more than that to our divorce but that is the one thing I just can't get out of my mind.

 

[mt2]

 

[Michelina]

I might be totally naive but is there any chance that this woman is lying? That perhaps she was po'd at being rebuffed and decided to call you and add to the drama with this "kiss" story?
to you. I'm sure that it feels impossible to unravel what's true or not true in this situation. DH should never have put you into a situation where you have to consider these things.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I would like to know that as well. DH swears he doesn't know.

When he got home I told him she had called me. He honestly looked surprised. He actually turned bright red and just stood there and looked at me. He denies that they have ever kissed or been physical in any way whatsoever but did admit that they have talked occasionally and "run into" each other. Ironically enough her parents live in the same neighborhood (only 1 street over) as his do. He says that she would see him driving and then call him. He did admit that they have made plans to get together before and that usually they won't talk to each other for a long time and then one will just call the other out of the blue and they will be in contact for a few weeks and then it will fizzle out and so on and so on. I don't believe a word he said - but at this point I wouldn't believe anything out of his mouth that didn't confirm my worst suspicions anyway. He cried and cried and said he was sorry and he loved me and would do anything to make things work but it all seems so hollow to me. I'm just so angry right now. I think he's just sorry he got caught - but he didn't. I'm still confused as to why he told me about Friday night in the first place.

He has left to go and stay at a friend's house. I told him I just couldn't look at him anymore. I seriously have to try to think about something else for a few hours or I am going to go crazy. I have some things to do for work that I am going to try to get started on - just so I'll have to focus on something else. I agreed to keep the counseling appointment on Thursday but I may make an appointment for just me to talk to someone. I'm not sure I want to hear any more of his side of the story right now.

The "looking surprised" would bother me. As others have mentioned, how does she know your number and how would she know "when" to call? Why would she call to tell you that out of the blue? Was her call to tell you nothing happened? How would she know the game is up so to speak? None of it adds up.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'd be so mad I'd be a walking flame.

 

[ItsonlyExperiment626]

You don't need to be physical to have an affair. There's emotional affairs. They are the same and the hurt is the same. I couldn't trust him again since you found out they also had physical contact (kissed) and have been in contact for over a year. He's lied to you about the kissing and he has lied to you about how long it's been going on by omission. He's sorry he got caught. Leave now before you have children involve. You deserve better.

Big to you and good luck whatever you decide to do.

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Based on your original post, it does sound like he was following his earlier pattern of trying to run interference on what he thinks you may hear later from someone else. That someone else may not have even seen him, or they may just feel like they can't tell you what they saw.

I also can't help but wonder whether he had the woman call to help him cover his tail. She may have been a little bit concerned about being in the middle of a messy situation and thought it would be better to help bail him out.

One thing is obvious, they've been playing this flirting game for a long, long time (regardless of how far it has or hasn't gone).

As Ann Landers used to say, only you can decide whether you're better off with him or without him (a good counselor may be able to help you make the best decision though).

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[karebear1]

As a small side note....Sounds like it's time for both of you to change cell phone numbers. She cannot contact either of you if you both have new numbers and you don't give her or anyone else that is not interested in your happiness the number.

It's probably a good thing that your husband went to stay somewhere else. I'm mostly concerned about you and your state of mind. Do you have anyone that can stay with you? Have you spoken to any friends or family about this? You need to be around someone and not be alone. please contact someone.

 

[raammartin]

Hugs to you. I definitely know how awful you feel right now! My advice would be DON'T MARRY HIM!

My cell phone rang at work (which is really odd, I don't even know why I had it on) and it was the DH's ex. She was calling to tell me that DH really loved me because he ended things before they went "too far" and he talked about me "a lot." Goody. "Really," she says, "We just sat and talked." Oh - thanks. I'll just get over it then. I asked her if anything physical at all happened and there was this really long, long pause before she said, "No. We haven't kissed since last summer." LAST SUMMER?!?!?! Well, now we are in totally new territory. I really did have a splitting headache after this and luckily I'm almost done with a project I'm working on so I just came home from work. DH isn't home yet and I'm not going to call him at work even though I am about to die to call and just let him have it. Apparently every moment I have spent with him for the past year (at least - I honestly don't know how long this has been going on) is a lie. How could he even discuss starting a family with me when he was having this relationship? How could he spend time with my family knowing what was going on? We were looking at new houses for heaven's sake. He kept talking about the perfect tree in the backyard for a tree house or where you would put a playhouse. I don't think this is something I can get over no matter how much counseling we go to. Plus I feel like an idiot because I've never suspected a thing. I just can't believe this is actually happening to me. My life feels like a bad movie right now.