How do I find out? Update - thanks for all the PM's.

[va32h]

First off, I am so sorry you are going through this. It's gonna stink, no matter what happens, and it is going to hurt for awhile.

I would be very blunt. Sit him down when you are both wide awake and relatively calm and tell him that in this day and age, you cannot risk your life with casual sexual activity and that you have to know exactly what happened, and if he used protection.

If he denies it again, remind him that aside from AIDS, he could give you any number of STD's, including the HPV virus, which can cause cervical cancer. Tell him that putting your life and health at risk to keep out of trouble is not worth it, and if you got sick how much worse is he going to feel if he continues to lie to you about it.

Hopefully, this stance will crowbar the truth out of him.

Second, I would tell him that if he wishes to make his marriage work, he has to have no contact with this woman EVER EVER EVER. That's the first rule of recovery after an affair. NO CONTACT. No phone calls, no emails, no meeting in parking lots.

Counseling never hurts, go for yourself, if he won't go with you. You will probably not trust him again for some time, and deservedly so. He will have to earn back that trust.

Good luck to you, and I hope that everything works out for the best.

 

[TinkerBess_SnowTori]

First -- huge hugs to you -- I am sorry you are going through all of this...

Second - I totally agree with these two quotes-

A married man that walks in the door and then says they are going out with their ex girlfriend, well, that is very BOLD and unusual.

....sounds like he was "caught" (by someone) and you "may" hear about it so if he "tells you"

If I were you I would be having a terrible time getting pass the fact that he came home, talked to me, looked at me, and left me knowing he was going to meet her. -- Why not just call you...and tell you he was going out to hang with the guys ... just the thought that he would look me in the face - possibly kiss me goodbye and go to her... would tear me apart.

I think it is highly likely that he was "caught" or seen by someone who he thinks may come to you later and is covering his tracks with this story of - "we met, we talked, and I turned her down"

Good luck - I wish you all the best -- and I would check that cell phone.

 

[magicfan]

If you can't rest until you know the truth, there is one way:
You can actually make an appointment for him to take a lie detector test (look in the phone book, or call a PI to ask about this). A friend of mine did this, then told her DH that if he wanted to really tell the truth, he could do so before the appointment, other wise, he had to keep the appointment, and if it showed he was lying, then......

Kind of extreme, but she had to know the truth.

I haven't been in your shoes, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I hope it works out one way or another. Just wanted to let you know what one girl did. To each his own. Good luck.

 

[poohandwendy]

First off, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I have to ask, were you suspicious of him before this happened or did this pretty much take you completely off guard? You are his wife, you should know him better than anyone. Unless you tend to be the jealous type or suspicious by nature, I would listen to my intuition.

You have to face the fact that you may never know exactly what happened last night. You can talk to him until he is blue in the face and he could be lying, but he may be telling the truth. Unless someone has proof of what he did last night you will have to go with what he is telling you and how much you believe him. So, with that in mind...how would you want to proceed? Do you feel that even if he did cheat, that he is someone you can work through this sort of thing with? Would you want to?

If he is telling the truth and this was an 'almost' that didn't happen, would you want to try to work on it with him or is your trust broken beyond repair?

Whether he is telling the truth or not, your marriage is in serious trouble and that needs addressed right away.

I would definitely be asking more questions about what actually happened last night. I would also be asking what he intends to do to make you feel his is trustworthy enough to continue the marriage. After all, his intentions when he left your house were not honorable...no matter what he did after that, he still was disloyal to you and disrespecting your marriage. This was not just an opportunity that presented itself, he was purposefully going out of his way to make the opportunity to cheat on you. (not that either is ok, but the latter is more sneaky) And he was ok with lying to you before he left. That is very serious.

You are at a crossroads...it isn't really so much about what specifically happened, it is more about whether or not your marriage can get back on track after this sort of thing. It's about whether or not you two have what it takes to get past this issue and renew the trust that came with the commitment you once had. You may or you may not. One of you may and the other may not. And he really needs to figure out what caused him to get to this place.

I think counselling would be the only way to find out, at this point. Good luck to you, I am sure you feel like the rug was pulled out from under you. I am sorry he put you in that position.

 

[Lil_Tink]

No advice just wishing you luck.

 

[popeyeohoh]

I would hash this out immediately. Don't let this sour your marriage. Address it and move on.

 

[punkin]

I am very sorry for you. I don't think this has been adressed yet and I am sorry to bring this up, but I would not trust a single thing he says and I would get myself to the doctor and get tested for STDs as soon as possible. This does not necessarily mean your marriage is over, but protect your physical health first, then you can worry about counseling and mental issues.

 

[Whatnext?]

Thanks for all the advice and support. There are so many points that have been brought up here that have really helped me clear my head.

Yes, I will definitely be making an appointment with my doctor just in case. I don't trust him right now and especially not enough to risk my health.

I agree with some of you who think his "confession" is suspicious and may have been prompted by someone seeing him of knowing something. I do know he was at the football game - but after that I don't have a clue what was going on. It does make me sick that he was able to come home and talk to me before going out to meet her.

Yes, I was totally dumbfounded by this. I have never had any reason to suspect him of any type of unfaithfulness. HOwever, I have never been a suspicious or jealous person by nature so maybe it is just me that cheating is the last thing I would ever have suspected him of. As I said before, I knew our marriage wasn't perfect, but whose is? I didn't think we had any major problems at all. We communicated well (I thought), spent a lot of enjoyable time together, seemed to agree on important values/decisions.

I am just so shocked and now wonder what do I really know to be true in my life? I trusted and depended on him. He really was my best friend.

I am going to start looking for a counselor tomorrow. We have discussed the situation at length (his story has never changed) and he has agreed that counseling is important. He keeps asking me if I'm going to leave and I have told him that I honestly don't know. I am willing to make every effort to save our marriage but I really need to know why he did this and I have to figure out for myself if I can ever trust him again.

Thanks for all the kind words and advice. I'll update when I talk to a counselor.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for all the kind words and advice. I'll update when I talk to a counselor.

I wish you well on your quest. Geesh life ain't easy sometimes. {HUGS}

 

[momof2inPA]

You're a cute girl. Cut your losses while you're young, and if the spending money on clothes is an ongoing issue, don't shop with the friends until you decide one way or another. Truly, I hope it all works out for the best.

If I wanted to know the truth, I would call the girlfriend. Tell her DH told her everything and you want to know if you need to go to the doctor to get checked out. See what she says, anyway. Don't be afraid to make DH mad, he created this situation.

 

[Kitty 34]

 

[Marseeya]

If I wanted to know the truth, I would call the girlfriend. Tell her DH told her everything and you want to know if you need to go to the doctor to get checked out. See what she says, anyway. Don't be afraid to make DH mad, he created this situation.

Do you honestly believe she's going to get "truth" from the kind of woman who would go after a married man?? I wouldn't believe a word a woman like that would have to say. It could go either way -- she could deny it in order to have his back, or she could confirm it even if it didn't happen in the hopes that he'd go running to her.

 

[Sleepy]

If I wanted to know the truth, I would call the girlfriend. Tell her DH told her everything and you want to know if you need to go to the doctor to get checked out. See what she says, anyway. Don't be afraid to make DH mad, he created this situation.

Tell her your husband has a disease like herpes and she needs to be tested.

 

[Rajah]

If his story hasn't changed and he's willing to go to a counselor, the only other thing I'd do is tell him that before you'd have physical relations with him again you want him to be tested for STDs, etc.

I'd leave out the girlfriend.

 

[momof2inPA]

Do you honestly believe she's going to get "truth" from the kind of woman who would go after a married man?? I wouldn't believe a word a woman like that would have to say. It could go either way -- she could deny it in order to have his back, or she could confirm it even if it didn't happen in the hopes that he'd go running to her.

I believe she'll get a clue by the way she answers, and I bet she's more likely to deny than confirm something that didn't take place, especially if you suggest she might be spreading STD's. If she confirms it, that would convince me that the act took place, but some like to deny the evidence and stay in their safe place.

Plus, the title of the thread is, "How do I find out?" That's the only way you'll find out any more info.

 

[momof2inPA]

Tell her your husband has a disease like herpes and she needs to be tested.

That's a good one.

 

[jrydberg]

Don't play any games. Don't try to trick anything out of anyone. Don't listen to the advice of anyone on here other than to trust yourself. You and your husband know better than anyone here. Talk to your husband.

Best of luck with everything.

 

[MandM-Mom]

I would not let this rest until you feel he gives you the full story, one thing that I keep thinking about is that she called him while he was at the game!! On a cell phone, unless its different in your area, my cell company doesn't publish our numbers so how did she get his number??? That makes me think he has had quite a bit on contact with her lately, unless he has had the same cell number for quite a while!!! Don't let him take advantage of you, have respect for yourself and do what you feel is right, trust in your marriage is very important without it things will be rough, you will always second guess his answers, Counseling will be important whether this is true or not, since trust has been compromised....

 

[poohandwendy]

If I wanted to know the truth, I would call the girlfriend. Tell her DH told her everything and you want to know if you need to go to the doctor to get checked out. See what she says, anyway. Don't be afraid to make DH mad, he created this situation.

bad advice IMHO.

a) They may not have had sex, so she would immediately know that the OP is lying about the DH 'telling her everything'. Not only that, even if they did have sex, what woman isn't going to take "If my DH was with you, I want to know if you are so nasty that you gave him a disease" as anything but a total insult?

b) The 'girlfriend' obviously has a thing for the DH , so it is very likely she would lie to get what she wants or to start trouble in their marriage. It is very unlikely she would be an unbiased and trustworthy source to gain information from.

c) If she and the DH are involved, she would probably cover for him.

Bottom line, it is a very slim chance this woman would be totally honest with the OP. If she really cared about the OP's feelings or honesty, she would have contacted the OP herself.

If the OP wants to try to work on the marriage, I think contacting this other woman would do nothing but make this into a 'love triangle'. I think it is much smarter to look at it as a problem between the OP and her DH, the other woman is nothing but a symptom of the disease.

 

[MScott1851]

to you... Marriage is hard work, isn't it? Even without things like ex-girlfriends (Mercifully my DH ended on good terms with most of his, and they are all married, several of them to other friends of ours) to complicate things.

I'm not going to try and give you dime-store advice and muddy your head up even more...I've only been married three years last month myself. But I would like to say that I do think that even if your husband isn't cheating, he is being disrespectful to both you and your marriage.

I just offer hugs and a bleeding heart for you and your anguish; I hate to see anyone in this situation. I've had several friends get divorced in the past couple of years, one was due to infidelity, and it makes me draw my DH even closer and thank God everyday that I found a loving, caring, and completely honest man who I have a extraordinary level of mutual trust and respect with. I vowed when we got married to put his needs before my own...it might sound simple and subservient, but it isn't, since now decisions and problems affect "us" instead of "me" and "him."

Keep us posted, and while we can definitely present opinions that you might not have thought of, take a deep look inside your own heart before blindly following strangers' advice. It's your marriage and your bed...you have to lie in it, not us.