How do I find out? Update - thanks for all the PM's.

[Pooh_Friend#1]

I'm sorry you are going through this, hang in there.

 

[Frantasmic]

Obviously, the husband spoke to the EX since he confessed to the you. You can't determine if the ex decided on her own to call you or if she was prompted.

But, the message here is that even AFTER he came home and confessed to you his story, he was talking to the EX.

The reason for the confession is that he couldn't or didn't get all of his story to come together. He originally planned to just go to the football game as his cover, but couldn't get the pieces of that story to work. A key player in his cover either didn't show or didn't agree to keep the story. IMO, he never intended to go to the football game.

And, obviously, he contacts his ex either at work or through his cell phone and has been for a long time. If a couple has separate cell phone plans, they still should go over it together each month just as a matter of financial responsibility. Don't look at it as checking on each other, although it does help to review for that, but as getting the most out of your cell plan, making sure you don't have any extraneous charges, etc.

 

[CathrynRose]

I called him at work and he told me he'd had a "fling" while I was off delivering our child. There's more, but that's the gist of it, just wanted to let you know that I've BTDT with the punch-in-the-stomach feeling.

That S*CKS!!! Whatta jerk. (((

Im glad things worked out "okay" for you, though - now.

 

[alliecats]

OP, how are you doing today? Just wanted to send you a

 

[jedi_librarian]

I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I can relate - I'm going through something very similar, except I DID find out, and yes, you feel like it's a bad dream, something out of a movie, you just want to wake up and for it to be gone.

I'm going to send you a PM.

 

[karebear1]

Please let us know how you are doing today.

 

[mark&sue]

I was wondering how the two of them broke up. What makes them still feel they are "partners" She may feel that you are the one to blame as you have "her man". Many ex's do think that way surprisingly enough.

If he is truly sorry maybe you can start a fresh. But make sure he is not with her when he is staying at a friends.

One other thing men do think differently from women as shown previously in this thread. Sorry but many do.

Susan

 

[Whatnext?]

Please let us know how you are doing today.

I'm okay. I was really busy at work so that helped. I honestly can't think about it any more right now. I'm going to go have dinner with a friend of mine and then sit in the bathtub with a good book.

Thanks for all the kind thoughts. I'll update after counseling on Thurs.

 

[karebear1]

Thanks for letting me know you were ok. I was very worried. I hope you have a nice relaxing, peaceful evening. And.... I hope your session on Thursday helps to clear some things up for you.

 

[s&k'smom]

Oh boy I've just caught up and I'm so sorry. I had a sister go through this so I realize the pain your are in. Take care of yourself.

 

[Disneymomma]

No advice-just

 

[Whatnext?]

We had our first appointment with the counselor on Thursday. Basically we just started from the beginning and told her about our relationship up to this point - just the facts without all of the drama or emotions. I have never been to a counselor before (except for our pre-marital counseling and that was obviously not the same atmosphere) and while I can't say that I enjoyed it, I was pleasantly surprised by how liberating it feels to talk to a total stranger about some of the things that you think. It somehow sounds different when you say something out loud to someone who you don't know or who doesn't have a personal interest in you or your story. I'm probably explaining it badly but that's what it felt like to me. It was almost like I could hear myself talking (and DH too) from an outsider's point of view so I got a more objective view of everything.

Over the weekend I went to my parents. I haven't said anything to anyone yet about the situation - they thought DH was working this weekend. I thought about our relationship and marriage a lot. I was suprised to find that what really bothers me about DH and this girl isn't the fact that they may have had a physical relationship (which he still totally denies) but the fact that they talked about things, wanted to spend time together. etc. I swear I don't think it would bother me as much if he had gotten drunk and randomly slept with some girl. While that would have been totally wrong, I can see or understand how that could happen easier. It hurts me more that he was going out of his way to talk to her or that she was always in the back of his mind somehow. Sorry - I'm starting to ramble now.

Just wanted to let you guys know that I'm ok. We are going back to see the counselor this Thursday.

 

[Buckalew11]

Good luck to you through all this. I am glad you are seeking counseling. I hope it will help your relationship.

I can see what you are saying about the relationship with the ex-girlfriend. So often though, old flames may be "put out" in a way that leaves one or both parties hanging. And with that "hanging" comes the thoughts of "what if...", "if only...", "I wonder..." etc. Having much of the relationship unresolved.
Then, living so close to his parents, he was bound to run into her and then those feelings of "what if" pop into one or both of their minds.

Too often, we paint a really picture in our mind about life with an old flame w/o any of the reality that a RL brings.

Anyway, I hope the 2 of you can move on w/o the ex around. And if not, I hope you'll see how strong you are flying solo!

 

[mickeysgal]

I swear I don't think it would bother me as much if he had gotten drunk and randomly slept with some girl. While that would have been totally wrong, I can see or understand how that could happen easier. It hurts me more that he was going out of his way to talk to her or that she was always in the back of his mind somehow.

Best wishes to you. I understand what you were saying...it sounds so deliberate and planned rather than just a random thing. It seems so much hurtful. I'm glad you're finding counseling helpful.

 

[noseybuddy]

I give you a lot of credit for going to a counselor and trying to work it out. I on the other hand couldn't trust him anymore and therefore the marriage would be over. Good luck to you. Keep us updated.

 

[ahutton]

I think that totally makes sense, the emotional aspect of a relationship is much harder to deal with than a physical aspect (which is still offensive).

I too think it is wonderful you both are seeking help talking through your issues and which you the best in finding the answers that are right for you.

 

[OhMari]

To the OP-you mentioned what people call "Emotional Affairs". I think it is harder to take then the physical (which is still hard to take too).

My husband did this for 6 months, talking, hiking, biking, meeting with her. It has been 20 yrs, and it still hurts me. I see us as totally different people today and that time in our lives as 2 very young people with 2 babies, but it still didn't make it right.

 

[chell]

Thanks for updating us.

 

[dcentity2000]

Rich::

 

[airhead]

about a month ago,I posted here about a very close friend who suspected her partner was having an emotional affair. I let her read your thread. Her response;"OMG,this is us". Her partner never confessed to anything physical,but did (finally)confess to a very strong emotional bond with a co-worker. I urged her to seek counseling(talking to me was NOT therapy!). I'm friends to both these people,and so angry at "J" for what I call cheating. I can't be objective. She did stop all the out-of-school activities(out for drinks,
sports events, parties) but refuses to stop commuting with this person.
After reading your thread,FINALLY my friend ,"B" has made an appointment with a counselor. So,thanks for sharing your personal problem here. You have opened "B's" eyes. Maybe now she can get the courage to tell her partner,either make a clean break or its goodbye.
I hope you get the courage to do whatever it takes to make you whole again. I'm so sorry for your situation. I see what its done to my friends,no trust left,lots of tension. Its pretty sad.