How do divorced parents split college costs?

[RedAngie]

On one hand, I understand the new wife in OPs story being resentful of money going out that could have helped their household. I don't feel for M. He made those kids, he gets to support them as well as their mom. To expect that she would save all of their child support for their college while assuming ALL of their expenses as they grew up is ludicrous.

Too bad for her. She shouldn't have married a man with kids if that's her attitude.


Ex H and I agreed he would pay 75% of college costs for DDs, since his salary was much higher than mine at the time of divorce (and still is). That's after loans and some small scholarships. Luckily for all involved, both DDs chose to attend state universities, although even in-state tuition at California schools, where younger DD still attends, is very high.

 

[RedAngie]

I would have sued. I expect that I've been cut out of my parents' wills. If I assume correctly we will be contesting the will. Breaking contact was not my choice and there are certain laws of inheritance Your friend was legally entitled to that inheritance. Just out of principle I would have pursued it. Not right. What a terrible father.

You can sue, but in most cases a parent can legally disinherit a child.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

Talking that way, he sounds like a jerk. No doubt, there's animosity there.

But even in non-divorce situations, sometimes what kids have planned for college is unrealistic.

I'm in the camp of minimizing college costs whenever possible, anyway. It's too bad this family can't look at ways of finding a reasonably (ie low) cost school and coming up together with ways to pay for it. If both parents contribute, and the student works to help pay also, along with loans if necessary, it shouldn't be as big a deal as it would be if the school was astronomical and only dad was expected to pay, for instance. I think its reasonable to share the costs, as he's been asked to do. The only things we don't know is how much the requested college costs are, and if there are less expensive alternatives. If the school is low cost and he still won't help pay, then you know he's just being a jerk. What's going to happen when his two younger children hit college age? Kids are expensive! If you don't want to pay for them, maybe you shouldn't have them! (And college costs, IMO, are part of the package! ymmv)

His DD is going to a state school and earned a partial sports scholarship, so the child chose economically and is doing her part.

 

[msjprincess]

OP said $390 per month per child, THAT sounds like highway robbery to me!

Not necessarily, it depends how much he makes. I know my FIL was paying 25% of his salary for 2 kids. My father was paying $1500 a month for 2 kids, 30 years ago.

 

[littleblackegg]

My niece, my sister-in-law, and her ex-husband have made a budget/plan with all three of them contributing. They started paying into a pre-paid college plan early in her life. She is expected to work and contribute, which she does. It seems like a functional and amicable process to me, but I am not privy to any behind-the-scenes drama. I think most divorcing parents work this stuff out with their divorce agreements. If one parent is unable/unwilling to contribute, the agreement can be amended and filed with the courts, but the original plan stays in place until that is done. I can't say something like, "Well, my ex husband married a rich man/woman and now I don't have to fulfill my obligations to help support my children," This sounds like a former marriage filled with conflict. My mother's second husband was like this. Everything was a battle. My mother got everything in writing, and sent copies to her attorney and to the courts. There were no handshake agreements. Her former husband did pay, but spent all of his time saying she was trying to bankrupt him and trying to steal his money. So, the money was always there. He was just saving face and trying to create more hostility. The same could be true for your BIL. Maybe this is an opportunity to insult and harass his ex wife.

 

[IceSkatingPrincess]

In my case, my father paid a whopping $0 (even though he makes *substantially* more than my mother). My Mom helped me with everything she could, and I took out loans for the remainder. The way I felt was that once I turned 18 I was no longer my Dad's financial problem, regardless of circumstance. If he wasn't in a position to help, I don't think I would be so bitter. However, my father is extremely well off in a large home with three luxury vehicles for just himself and his new wife, with a very generous annual salary. My Mom is a small town pastor.

In my husband's family it was included in the divorce paperwork (he was around 16 at the time so it was on their mind, I was only 5) and his father paid 75% and mother paid 25%. He lived primarily with his mother but his Dad earned much more.

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

What's surprising to me, is that no one is even trying to play devil's advocate. How do we know that M's wife wasn't just as shrewish about it? It may be that M's ex gleefully forced him to pay his child support, even when his finances didn't allow it and he had to do without, while she rubbed it in his face that she had married a rich man and was being kept in a style we'd all like to become accustomed to. How do we know that M wasn't just venting to family about the whole situation because it was at a family gathering where it was safe, and hasn't already made arrangements with his daughter to pay what he can afford for her schooling? The DIS is always so eager to play devil's advocate on anything else, but in this, man, you guys get out the torches and pitchforks.

 

[LinderInWonderland]

What's surprising to me, is that no one is even trying to play devil's advocate. How do we know that M's wife wasn't just as shrewish about it? It may be that M's ex gleefully forced him to pay his child support, even when his finances didn't allow it and he had to do without, while she rubbed it in his face that she had married a rich man and was being kept in a style we'd all like to become accustomed to. How do we know that M wasn't just venting to family about the whole situation because it was at a family gathering where it was safe, and hasn't already made arrangements with his daughter to pay what he can afford for her schooling? The DIS is always so eager to play devil's advocate on anything else, but in this, man, you guys get out the torches and pitchforks.

Only speaking for myself, but my brother had to pay $800/mo child support for two kids. It doesn't seem that unreasonable to me. He married her, had two kids with her. Why should he begrudge supporting them, whether her new husband is rich or not?

ETA: and if he couldn't afford to pay? You get an adjustment. I work near the attorneys at DCS and they are constantly revisiting support agreements. Most times it's resolved through arbitration.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Yeah, no guarantees that parents (married or divorced) will pay anything for their kids' college. DH got nothing from his mom's family (who disowned him) and nothing from his dad's family (no reason really, they paid for their own daughter's college).

 

[Darcy03231]

When applying for financial aid does anyone know if step parents income is considered? Or, is it just the bio parents income? Just wondering.

FASFA is filled out by the parent that has custody of the child and it is household income, so a step-parent's income would be included, while the biological parent who doesn't have custody doesn't have to provide his/her income. If the divorced parents have a 50/50 custody arrangement, either parent can fill out the FAFSA. (This is how it was when my children were in college up to a year ago. I don't know if it has changed since then.)

 

[Disney Doll]

OP said $390 per month per child, THAT sounds like highway robbery to me!

In my neck of the woods, $390 wouldn't be all that impressive in terms of providing "support". 2 kids + about $800/month....1 hour north of NYC $800 doesn't buy you much.

 

[georgina]

FASFA is filled out by the parent that has custody of the child and it is household income, so a step-parent's income would be included, while the biological parent who doesn't have custody doesn't have to provide his/her income. If the divorced parents have a 50/50 custody arrangement, either parent can fill out the FAFSA. (This is how it was when my children were in college up to a year ago. I don't know if it has changed since then.)

it's been a few years for us, but that seems right for FAFSA. Schools that require the Profile form also want information about the non-custodial parent's income.

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

Only speaking for myself, but my brother had to pay $800/mo child support for two kids. It doesn't seem that unreasonable to me. He married her, had two kids with her. Why should he begrudge supporting them, whether her new husband is rich or not?

ETA: and if he couldn't afford to pay? You get an adjustment. I work near the attorneys at DCS and they are constantly revisiting support agreements. Most times it's resolved through arbitration.

Like I said, he may not begrudge supporting them, he may just be annoyed that the ex is rubbing it in his face that she's so rich while he's scraping by. I bet that that money is the least that he's allowed to pay, but it doesn't mean that he's not dealing with hard times.

 

[okeydokey]

OP said $390 per month per child, THAT sounds like highway robbery to me!

You think 390 a month is too much? Really? Kids are expensive to raise and 390 is not much at all.

 

[CaoilinnsMom]

I read that this is a common problem for children of divorced parents. Usually the father is court ordered to pay child support. He resents giving money to his ex each month and can't wait until he is done. When the court ordered obligation is over, he thinks he is done and he is still irritated that he had to pay over the years, even if he is educated or has enough to pay for it. This is a good reason to write it into the divorce decree. Even if that seems really far off, and the father seems willing to pay at the time. Feelings change and resentment builds....

 

[DebbieB]

My brother got divorced when his son was about 5. He paid child support up to his high school graduation (he was 18 1/2 at that time), I think it was over $500 a month. His ex-wife's family has money and set up college funds for the grandchildren (my nephew plus 2 children of her brother). The parents took his ex-wife, my nephew and the rest of the family on lavish vacations over the years (Alaska Cruise, Mediterranean Cruise, Disney with a suite at GF). My brother is still paying for my nephew's medical through his plan at work, as agreed in the divorce papers. His ex-wife approached him to help pay for college, he knew full well about the college fund. He is barely scraping by, he told her he can go to college like he did - night school while he worked. While they were married, she had a successful business that he quit his job to help her with. After they split, she let the business go and is being partly supported by her parents and odd jobs. She filed the FAFSA paperwork and got money there because of her low income, plus he got scholarships. I don't know how much is not funded and if they had to get money from the grandparents college fund. She's still living in the nice home they had when they were married (most likely with her parent's help) and he's living in a basement apartment. He checked and legally he's not required to help pay for college in PA. Even though their relationship has mellowed, there is still some animosity so I think she just wants to turn the screws. My nephew is a junior now, I don't know if she is still bringing it up.

 

[LinderInWonderland]

Like I said, he may not begrudge supporting them, he may just be annoyed that the ex is rubbing it in his face that she's so rich while he's scraping by. I bet that that money is the least that he's allowed to pay, but it doesn't mean that he's not dealing with hard times.

Except that he's NOT struggling. OP says it's not that he can't afford to pay for college, it's that he feels he has paid enough.

Earlier, I mentioned my friend who pays child support, part of their private school tuition and all of their extra-curriculars. His ex not only has money in her own right, but her new husband is very wealthy. I am quite sure he contributes to their overall standard of living, but the kids are my friend's. He doesn't complain about paying support, and though he was opposed to the private school because it's religious and he isn't, he still pays a portion. That's what I mean about not begrudging. Even when venting about his ex, he never complains about the money he pays.

 

[piccolopat]

Well let's start with the fact that there is no requirement that any parent pay for college.

That is not entirely true. There was a strange story a few years ago about a divorced couple in NJ. Neither wanted to pay for the DD college because she was a brat, wouldn't follow house rules and eventually moved out. The DD sued them when she found out that in NJ, divorced parents were required to pay for her college, even one that was a private out of state school. I think that is an absurd law but the court forced the parents to pay.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

I read that this is a common problem for children of divorced parents. Usually the father is court ordered to pay child support. He resents giving money to his ex each month and can't wait until he is done. When the court ordered obligation is over, he thinks he is done and he is still irritated that he had to pay over the years, even if he is educated or has enough to pay for it. This is a good reason to write it into the divorce decree. Even if that seems really far off, and the father seems willing to pay at the time. Feelings change and resentment builds....

I think you nailed the problem! That is exactly what he thinks. Add to that he has a new young wife and wants to use his money to build a life with her. But he needs to remember that the divorce and its ugly aftermath* was not his DD's fault.

*During the marriage there had been a job loss (his), massive credit card debt, a cash out refi with an adjustable rate mortgage leaving the house upside down. When the ex wife left and married her rich new husband, he was left holding the financial bag. His finances were a HOT mess for a couple of years after the divorce while he cleaned it all up. He has been on solid financial ground for several years now, although he is very careful with his money. He never wants to get in a financial hole again.

 

[tzolkin]

A loving father would pay, though. Sucks to have a jerk for a parent. Also, in order to get loans, the FAFSA has to be filed, and both parents' income should be entered.

Actually, I believe it's just the custodial parent's household. (I could be mistaken.)

So, you could have a very wealthy father, but not have that factored into your financial aid since you live with your mother.

When applying for financial aid does anyone know if step parents income is considered? Or, is it just the bio parents income? Just wondering.

I am pretty sure it's the "household" so in the OP, the stepfather's income will determine the student's financial aid (whether he wants to pay for her education or not).

There have been many discussions here about what, if ANY obligation, a parent has to pay for college. I was shocked that there are people that feel they have zero obligation to pay for their kids college. I would hope it was in the divorce decree. But just like parents who are still married, there is no legal obligation after age 18 unless it is in the divorce degree.

Maybe it's just because of our upbringing and how DH & I paid for college, but I don't really think paying for college should be a parent's obligation. Both our families did not pay one penny of our college expenses (not even application fees). Would it have made things easier if they had been able to help out financially?-- absolutely. But neither of us have any feelings of resentment because we never felt that we were entitled to have someone else pay for our educations.

Our oldest is a HS senior. DH and I plan to pay as much as we possibly can, but she will have to take out some loans. We simply don't have the extra money in our budget to pay $10,000+ a year. And, even if we could figure out a way to pay it all, I can't even imagine where we would be when it came time for our other children to go to college. As our finances allow, we will pay some of the loans back on her behalf. But I feel that is a gift of love and wanting to help her not struggle financially when she graduates, not something we are "obligated" to do.

And, in our situation, DD is financially responsible and taking scholarships and aid into account when making her decision. But what if she didn't care at all and just decided to go with the most expensive option? Should we be obligated to pay the extra $120,000+ for her poor financial choice?