How did you deal with Empty Nest Syndrome?

[Mrs. Ciz]

I realize some parents don’t have any issues when their children move away either for college or for their adult careers. But for those parents who have struggled with Empty Nest Syndrome, what are some of the things you did/are doing to ease your emotions/feelings of loss and to develop a new sense of self or new roll for yourself?

I get a pit in my stomach and anxiety (which I‘ve never had in my life until a couple of years ago) when my youngest (DD22) talks about moving away. She graduated college in May and is working remotely from our house right now. But she plans to move 2 hours away sometime in October. She needs to do this - to be out on her own, living with friends, making a life for herself. I know that. But it is HARD!

I did ok when DS24 went away to college. I cried for a few minutes when I dropped him off and worried at first because he was anxious about finding friends and getting good grades. But after a couple of months, he’d found his groove and was happy, so I quit worrying. When DS graduated and moved away for his career, I had a hard time. I was very anxious his whole last year of college. Part of this may have been due to menopause - I found out later that anxiety is a known symptom. Part of it was due to the idea that once he moved, my family structure would be permanently changed. I cried off and on the first few months he was gone, but then he came home due to the Covid shutdown 8 months later. He was so unhappy at home with his social life shut down that I was really happy for him when he moved back to his city and got his life back! He’s doing really well at work and socially, and I’m delighted for him now. I also realized that he does come home to visit us from time to time!

With DD I’m really struggling and she hasn’t even left yet. I didn’t cry when I dropped her off at college because she was so ready to go and so happy to be there. But launching her into the big ol’ world is another story. I don’t know if it’s because she’s a girl and I worry about her safety more, or if it’s her personality (leap first, look second - while DS and I are just the opposite), or because she would forget her head somewhere if it wasn’t attached, or because we are really close, or because she’s my last one, or all of the above. She’s always required more parenting than my self motivated, self sufficient DS ever did. So even though I do have faith in her, cutting those apron strings is giving me anxiety.

On top of all this, I’ve had a really physically challenging 12 months. I had double knee replacement in July 2020 with a long difficult recovery. I went back to work as a teacher teaching face to face classes in the Fall. Then I got Covid in January 2021. A month later in February, my right knee had problems. The implant and tibia bone were infected and had to be removed. I spent 8 weeks on IV antibiotics (with another week in the hospital when the first antibiotic I was on almost killed me). I was infection free by mid May and got my final knee implant on June 28th. I’m in physical therapy now. I finally go back to work on August 16th after being out on short term disability for 6 months. So there’s that whole roller coaster.

I’m working really hard to be ok with my empty nest. Some of the things I’ve done or am considering doing are:
- went on vacation with just DH
- focused on nurturing my friendships with my girlfriends (I haven’t been very good at this in the past.)
- reading the book Empty Nest: Full Life
- taking Trazodone to help with sleep and anxiety
- going back to work full time
- planning on buying a used camping trailer for weekend trips with DH
- exploring getting a dog (never had one before but it might be nice to have one to walk, hike with, and nurture)
- starting an exercise program once physical therapy is done.
- I’m also trying to be supportive of my DD’s dreams versus throw up roadblocks (which is what my anxiety wants me to do!)

Any other things you folks have done to overcome Empty Nest Syndrome?

 

[Kitty 34]

Cried and cried with each son. The last one left 10 years ago. As hard as it is you DO get over it. Good luck :

 

[luvnwdwgal]

Our son just went to a community college so lived at home until he got married at the age of 25. Most of his high school pals went away to college and they all gathered at our house all the time when they came home. Drove me nuts most of the time. It was like a mini college frat house. In the mean time he had met a girl who he would leventually marry and they hung out at our house all the time too. I’ll be honest, there were no tears when he got married and moved out and we could finally have some peace and quiet.

 

[J'aime Paris]

First of all, huge hugs!!
Congrats on the continued recovery from your surgeries!
You have a laundry list of challenges that have occurred, and all that will impact your ability to 'keep it together'.

We have one DD, and when she left for college, it was difficult.
I will say, our 3 pets were a HUGE help. I still was 'mom' to them. I babied them, I cuddled them when lonely, and I talked to them when I was down.
Pets are the best listeners!!

TIME seems to be the best remedy for empty nest syndrome. We know in our heads that it's time for our kiddos to fly....it just takes our hearts a long time to catch up to the idea...

Just like any other challenge...you got this!!!

 

[sjrec]

You have a lot going on besides the empty nest coming up-
Our only child went to college clear across the state and got her Master’s there as well. As much as we missed her, we were so proud of her independence and self confidence after growing up in a small, rural community.
I did get a dog-my husband traveled quite a bit for work-but we truly are each other’s best friend and loved our times together again as just a couple.
Fast forward a few years, daughter is married to a wonderful man, we have a grandson we adore, and we spend time together as a family at our vacation home at the beach and WDW.
As a friend used to say-a healthy bird wants to leave the nest! You did your job!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

You’ve been through a lot! On top of the pandemic!

Just offering a . Mine are still at home but we’re often like ships passing in the night. Both, though, are saving and planning for their futures, so I know it’s just a matter of time until they’ll be getting their own places, too. DD will probably stay local; I’m not sure about DS. But like a pp mentioned, in some ways, it’ll be nice! And in other ways , for sure.

I think a dog is a great idea for you. I would be lost without mine. A close friend of mine got her first one when she became unable to have another baby like she wanted, and it was just the right thing for her to still be able to nurture something. It will be good company for you. Just make sure you get the right dog for you and your unique situation. (PM me if you want help thinking that through.)

Staying busy is good, too, but not too busy. Your body is still healing and you need time to rest every day, as well.
Hang in there! Two hours away is better than 20 hours!

 

[prairie_girl]

Like @kitty34, I cried and cried. It helped that I talked to her every single day. Even if the only thing we said to each other was hi. She also came home again, as she just moved to the coast for a year, so it was a bit easier knowing it wasn’t forever.

No other advice, just hugs..you aren’t alone.

 

[Southernmiss]

Dh and I got used to it pretty easily last year, even though covid got in the way of activities and traveling.

Now, one has moved home for a year or so and it's nice, but I do miss it just being dh and I.

You will get used to it easier than you think.

 

[Christine]

OP, tough time for you, wow. As to the empty nest syndrome, I have no words to make it better. My kids have been out of the house for a couple of years now, but close by so I was never really bothered. I'm not a cryer, not at all-wish I could be. I've never shed a tear so I do feel like some miscreant because you guys are crying a lot! However, I still feel bad inside.

Last year, my son and his partner decided to take advantage of the remote working situation and move to the West coast (we are on the East coast) to give life in California a try. They've been out there about 11 months now and, somewhere in my mind, I really felt it was temporary and he'd be back. Well, it's looking like he's not coming back, maybe never. I very happy he is happy but it's really hard when you realize you see your children but maybe a handful of times per year. That makes me incredibly sad. As well as for my mother (his grandmother who adores him). She couldn't sleep at all this week as she sunk into some depression over never really seeing him much again. So, I'm trying to wrap my brain around this and be okay with it. I was really very okay with both kids not living at home but having them "around." Now I just don't know what to think. But it happens to parents all the time--I'm not unique.

 

[NannyBeBe]

One of my children has never left the nest and the other lives across the street, so I have not had any issues with empty nest syndrome. But one thing that has helped me through other rough times is to volunteer somewhere. Helping others, either human or animal, helped me not to dwell on my own issues.

 

[tvguy]

When our son moved in with his girlfriend, at age 25, we had to keep it from my mom because she would not have approved. Sadly she got sick a month later so that diverted attention away from our son moving away.
Our daughter wasn't stressful for my wife, likely because our daughter went to University in England for 10 months so we went without seeing her that long. Now she was on her own, but only six miles away and we spent a lot of time there helping her get her house in order. Wasn't stressful for me because I worked with her three days a week. But I also did pay for a burglar alarm and cameras to be put on our house, so we felt she was and is safe.

 

[mom2rtk]

Big hugs to you. That's a lot.

I've done OK with our one son who went 3 1/2 hours away to school, then moved 7 hours away, and has now landed 2 hours away.

I did better with my daughter leaving for school 2 hours away than I expected to. But she came back before that first year was over because of Covid of course. It's been such a blessing to have so much extra time with her at various times since then. She went back last year. And she'll be leaving again soon. But she'll visit every now and then and be back on breaks.

I really don't know how things will go when she really moves off for a job. Sigh. But I want her to spread her wings and be a strong adult more than I want her to stay here. So that will be my silver lining.

Do you have hobbies? Things you always wanted to do but life got in the way? I scheduled myself a week of scrapbooking when DD left for college. It was really great therapy.

 

[lifesavacation]

I’ve really struggled with it. Dd18 is our 4th child and last to leave for college. She left in June of this year for preseason training and summer classes. It’s been hard. I’ve been trying to stay as busy as possible. I’ve scheduled out of state visits with my sister and we’ve had guests (parents, BIL, sister, cousins) at our house most of our free weekends. I’ve reached out to girlfriends and planned dinners and coffee/drinks. I have also reached out to new couples I am wanting to get to know more; although, my husband is getting annoyed I keep scheduling us for dinners out with people he doesn’t know. Basically, I’m being as social as possibly and taking myself out of my comfort zone.

Dd18 is all away across the country for college. She’s playing a sport so I do have 4 trips scheduled to watch the games. Even with all of this, I still struggle sometimes. She just came home for a week and I dropped her off at the airport this morning. It never gets any easier when she leaves again.

 

[mom2rtk]

I’ve really struggled with it. Dd18 is our 4th child and last to leave for college. She left in June of this year for preseason training and summer classes. It’s been hard. I’ve been trying to stay as busy as possibly. I’ve scheduled out of state visits with my sister and we’ve had guests (parents, BIL, sister, cousins) at our house most of our free weekends. I’ve reached out to girlfriends and planned dinners and coffee/drinks. I have also reached out to new couples I am wanting to get to know more; although, my husband is getting annoyed I keep scheduling us for dinners out with people he doesn’t know. Basically, I’m being as social as possibly and taking myself out of my comfort zone.

Dd18 is all away across the country for college. She’s playing a sport so I do have 4 trips scheduled to watch the games. Even with all of this, I still struggle sometimes. She just came home for a week and I dropped her off at the airport this morning. It never gets any easier when she leaves again.

 

[maxaroni]

My situation is a bit different but will say that we had our now daughter in law live with us for awhile. She lived 1.5 miles away and was going to find a job near us as DS works for the state and his territory was where we lived. As a PP said, it was nice after they moved out and bought their own home. They moved 10 minutes from us, so it wasn’t too bad. I found it harder when he went off to college, to be honest. Perhaps because I knew he was ready, he was happy and his girlfriend became his fiancée, they are now married.

With all of that being said, we were the ones to move 1.5 hours away from them! We downsized and decided to get out of the high taxed state of NJ. I wrestled with this for awhile as 1.5 hours could have been 20 hours in my mind. I know I was irrational and we have to live our life. We are very close to our DS and it was really really hard to come to terms with. I think about how I helped my dad when my mom was sick for 9 years. We were able to pop in and see my mom, be there in 10 minutes, if needed. It was the same when my grandparents got sick, as we were only 10 minutes from them. I was worried that I’d be putting on the added stress of DS needing to drive 1.5 hours as we age, as he raises his future family, etc. However, DH & I finally worked through it all and we found a house that we love. We’ve been in the new house a month but it is the perfect house for us. We downsized, it’s all one level and just perfect. As a matter of fact, DS was one of the ones who suggested we move to DE. He said he heard it was a great area for seniors and why pay high taxes in NJ.

I guess my point is that I know how it feels and we have done our jobs. We have raised them to go out in the world, have their own life and know that is how it should be. I feel that the way technology is now, we have more ways to keep in contact than years ago. We all have different situations but our feelings are fairly universal. Some may feel it worse than others but know that you aren’t alone.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I cannot speak as a parent but I can speak towards seeing the impact. My mother-in-law appears to be getting this feeling in the last 2 years (but it's only gotten stronger in the last 6 or so months). She's been so used to her kids always being around in some way and has always demanded to spend a lot of time with her kids and their significant others. But in the last couple of years past habits (like Taco Tuesday, more regular game nights, for a while weekly dinners, vacations, etc) has slowly dropped off as we've all found more interests elsewhere. It was probably about a month or two ago that we talked about it (my husband, one of my sister-in-laws and myself) that it seems like she's lonely just her and her husband in the house. We can't do a huge ton about that but we also agree that part of that is that she built so much of her time around spending time with her kids and their significant others that when left with just her husband at home she's I guess more bored. They do RV together though right now several times a year so they do do at least one joint activity just them two.

One of the things that seems to have helped in some way is antiquing with her friend. She goes every week sometimes several times a week. Unfortunately that has led to junk junk junk piling up in their garage (which is a huge 3 car one that they don't park in at all) and it's not exactly an inexpensive habit but it seems to have staved off some loneliness. It's more about her having a known event to look forward to.

Any hobbies that you might have put off for a long time? or if you have a close friend or two if they are willing to do a consistent get together whatever that may be. Sounds like you want to reconnect with past friends maybe a go out for drinks night once a month or something like that or a lunch.

As far as vacation with just your husband..is this the first time you've really done that in a while? If so I would stay closer to home for at least the first one or two.

For sleep and anxiety you could try ZzzQuil PURE Zzzs, I needed that and it did work for me (even just 1 gummy). It has melatonin plus chamomile and lavender. I chose that when I needed it months back over the normal formula. I have sparingly used it. Weighted blankets can work for people so long as they don't also have issues with claustrophobia, etc.

Before getting a pet I would suggest doing other things first because a pet is a lifelong (for their lifetime) commitment and by your own words you've never had one. It may work quite well for you in the end but I would always caution people about getting pets just for their own comfort (there's been a lot of issues recently with pandemic/lockdown pets being returned for instance). I'm earnestly not trying to sound lectur-y on that, I'm sure you would take care of the pet and everything, I would still advise to do other things first for a while before going down the pet route.

 

[sjrec]

I cannot speak as a parent but I can speak towards seeing the impact. My mother-in-law appears to be getting this feeling in the last 2 years (but it's only gotten stronger in the last 6 or so months). She's been so used to her kids always being around in some way and has always demanded to spend a lot of time with her kids and their significant others. But in the last couple of years past habits (like Taco Tuesday, more regular game nights, for a while weekly dinners, vacations, etc) has slowly dropped off as we've all found more interests elsewhere. It was probably about a month or two ago that we talked about it (my husband, one of my sister-in-laws and myself) that it seems like she's lonely just her and her husband in the house. We can't do a huge ton about that but we also agree that part of that is that she built so much of her time around spending time with her kids and their significant others that when left with just her husband at home she's I guess more bored. They do RV together though right now several times a year so they do do at least one joint activity just them two.

One of the things that seems to have helped in some way is antiquing with her friend. She goes every week sometimes several times a week. Unfortunately that has led to junk junk junk piling up in their garage (which is a huge 3 car one that they don't park in at all) and it's not exactly an inexpensive habit but it seems to have staved off some loneliness. It's more about her having a known event to look forward to.

Any hobbies that you might have put off for a long time? or if you have a close friend or two if they are willing to do a consistent get together whatever that may be. Sounds like you want to reconnect with past friends maybe a go out for drinks night once a month or something like that or a lunch.

As far as vacation with just your husband..is this the first time you've really done that in a while? If so I would stay closer to home for at least the first one or two.

For sleep and anxiety you could try ZzzQuil PURE Zzzs, I needed that and it did work for me (even just 1 gummy). It has melatonin plus chamomile and lavender. I chose that when I needed it months back over the normal formula. I have sparingly used it. Weighted blankets can work for people so long as they don't also have issues with claustrophobia, etc.

Before getting a pet I would suggest doing other things first because a pet is a lifelong (for their lifetime) commitment and by your own words you've never had one. It may work quite well for you in the end but I would always caution people about getting pets just for their own comfort (there's been a lot of issues recently with pandemic/lockdown pets being returned for instance). I'm earnestly not trying to sound lectur-y on that, I'm sure you would take care of the pet and everything, I would still advise to do other things first for a while before going down the pet route.

I’m glad you brought up the commitment required with getting a pet-we always had dogs and there was a gap from our last pet to getting another one when our daughter went away to college. We actually rescued our Bassett Hound because we had owned one before so I knew what I was getting into.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think it goes without saying that there’s a commitment to owning a pet. Many people need to be reminded of that. However, I don’t think that @Mrs. Ciz is one of those people.

 

[Christine]

Speaking of pets, one thing you all have reminded me of is pet rescue. Since my responsibilities around my children (and lately my commute) have lessened, I have fostered two pets in the last year. I'm affiliated with a local resuce group and they have been pulling puppies out of the south, bringing them up north for adoption, and I am that "in between person" to take in a puppy (or older dog) for a week or two to let it settle while they look for permanent homes. It's been really hard giving them up, but I will tell you, the puppies were a LOT of work and it was a relief almost when they found a home. I just took one in about 2 weeks ago. He was a 14 week old brindle Plott Hound, sweet as could be, and came from a hoarding situation in Texas. I took him to his new home a week later, which broke my heart, but he went to a great family with another Plott Hound who does fabulous things like boating and paddleboarding. The puppy even ended up on our local news this past Friday morning when his new owner was walking him at the local town center!!! It's very rewarding.

Had another one over Christmas--12 week Husky/Pitbull mix. Again, another angel really. She was born to a feral mother and never really met humans until that time so that one was a little bit tougher, but still interesting.

I'm really looking to work with older dogs but need to get my own dog used to that (puppies are non-threatening). I'd actually like to foster senior dogs I think.

 

[slo]

My DD18 and I go together like peanut butter & jelly and I’m already dreading her going away to college next year. She‘s my best friend - we laugh together, cry together, have lots & lots of fun together, respect each other and DD never takes advantage of this - rarely do I need to put my strict mom pants on. With that being said - what am I going to do when she leaves? After our intensely busy schedule due to DD’s softball schedule the last 10 years, I’m going to hit a brick wall in regards to keeping busy. I’m going to read people’s replies to this thread and take some notes for next year

OP…..I’m sorry you’ve had a rough 2021. I hope everything starts to get better for you, so 2021 ends better than it started