How are your relationships with your parents?

[paigevz]

.......and why?

 

[rpmdfw]

Okay, I'll jump in on this one. I'm the luckiest son in the world. And I know it.

My relationship with my parents is excellent. They (along with my brother and sister) are my best friends (oh, and Scott, too ). They're totally accepting and love me (and Scott) unconditionally and only want us to be happy. They also accept that their children are all adults (over 30 years old, and pushing 40 in my case) and they treat us like adults and are proud of us for standing on our own successfully. They have no issues with the fact that I'm gay, even to the point of telling homophobes to shut up. In my Dad's case, it was telling his boss that "I have a gay son and I'm very proud of the good man he's grown up to be" after he made some insenstive remarks about gay people.

I won't say that it's always been easy. My teenage years were often a war-zone between me and my Dad, but even then, when I needed advice, he was (and is) the person I went to. I've always been close to my mom, and am happy that I can now relate to my dad on much the same level. There's nothing I can't talk to them about, and nothing I hold back from them.

Like I said, the luckiest son in the world.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

You want answers from the straight people too? Well, if not, skip my post!

My father worked really hard when I was little, and he traveled for work. I think he was kind of clueless about how to interact with me, so when he was home he just didn't have much to do with me. When I was 10 he had moved up high enough in his company that he didn't have to travel anymore. We moved from TX to FL. My mom was pregnant with my sister. Very shortly thereafter he started drinking heavily. (Huge history of alcoholism in his family, so no big surprise.) He was VERY controlling, verbally abusive to my mother, and generally not very nice. It got worse from there. I paid for my own wedding and my college tuition so he wouldn't ever be able to hold it over my head. After DS was born I decided it would be good to estrange myself from my father. He was toxic and he didn't deserve a relationship with me. He died almost 2 years ago. (Drank himself to death.)

My mom was a SAHM and always played with me, baked cookies, that sort of thing. She was a very good mom, but she never stood up for herself. She allowed my father to belittle her and control her, and now she has no self-esteem. They finally got divorced but he still controlled her right up until his death. Now she is suffering the aftermath. She is horrible at managing her money and she purposely defies me when I try to help her. She is giddy with the freedom. It is truly like trying to deal with a toddler.
She was recently diagnosed with breast cancer so I am trying to help her sort out what to do next, but it is like pulling teeth. She has sole custody of my 16 year old sister (that was a big surprise - she needed a pregnancy when she was 44 like she needed a hole in her head) and they are like roommates instead of mom & DD. My sister is very spoiled and demanding and my mother plays right into her hands. Drives me BATTY. I love my mom but she frustrates me to the point that I almost have no words to describe it.

Dysfunction at it's finest. Aren't you glad you asked, Paige?

 

[paigevz]

Yep, glad I asked, sounded like you needed to sound off.

I asked because I have lots of trouble with my parents. My dad straight up hates me, wishes I was never born........that's what he's said. He got into some trouble and needed help, asked both my brothers who wouldn't, then I did, and he was trying to be nice after that, until I came out, now he doesn't talk to me at all. It's refreshing after the way he used to talk to me.

My mother though, is a study. I can not figure her out. She was a good mom when I was very young, then when my dad had stopped traveling and was home and being abusive she closed her eyes to it. She was pretty distant then. So I grew up and we got along great. Then I had a child. She was and is VERY critical of my parenting. We had it out about that finally, and then I went through depression and we pretty much stopped speaking......she said I was ungrateful at that time. Then when I came out to her, she suddenly was very interested in me, wanted to help me, and so on. However, she denies the abuse was anything to worry about, she constantly sends me scripture though I have told her I'm agnostic and asked her to stop, she sends clothes that don't fit because she thinks if I looked nice I'd be happier and gets upset if I send them back, so I shove them in my closet now, she says when I lose enough weight we will finally be able to "do things together" whatever that means, she criticizes a lot of what goes on with the kids, and so on. So I can't figure out what to do with that relationship. On one hand, it affects me negatively pretty strongly, on the other hand, she's my mother and she seems to want a relationship............

 

[rosiep]

Of all the things in my life that I needed to sort, my relationship with my Mom has been the hardest. Her marriage to my father was troubled and violent. He was an alcoholic who gambled the rent and cheated on his wife....but he was the parent who said "I love you", who told me I was smart, and who made me feel visible. My Mom was unhappy, cold and critical but she was the parent who made sure there was food on the table, who stayed in the marriage (my father used to say she could leave..but he'd kill her if she took the kids..and she loved us enough NOT to leave us).
So I guess I can acknowledge that they were both terrible parents but they had their good qualities too. And as I grew older the fact that they were only human struck me too.

My father died 25 years ago and as awful as this sounds, I'm glad of it. I would never have wanted to subject my children to his behavior. My Mom remarried a wonderful man but still struggles with being happy. I have spent a long time trying to "please" my Mom. Once I was older I stood up for myself, did not allow her to criticize me...making very plain that if she continued to treat me poorly (especially in front of my children) then I would end our relationship. I was pleased to find that this tactic worked.

Our relationship now is far from perfect but it's so much better.
Paige: Stand up for yourself, take no gunk from your Mom..you'll feel better about yourself and your Mom may come to respect your bountries.

Right now the worst part is you must feel like she has all this control over you and your emotions...but you can take that back. And yes, you can decide that if a relationship with her is NOT in your best interest, then you can step away from it.

-ah...I could go on and on......I've so been there. But I really like where I am now. In fact, I like it so much that for a Christmas present I paid for a Disney vacation for us both this coming October....and I'm looking forward to it very much!!!!

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Paige - I'm sorry your mom wants you to be someone different.
I have an aunt that sends me anonymous scripture. It would actually scare me if I wasn't smart enough to read postmarks. (I'm not afraid of biblical prophecies, I'm afraid of some Bible-banging stalker sending me stuff! )
Parents are very hard to deal with sometimes. My friend was telling his mom about another friend of his who was HIV+. My friend was also positive at the time but his mom didn't know. She told him if you walk in front of a truck you deserve to get hit! He passed away a few years ago, and his mom still sends me a Christmas card every year. I am pretty sure she knows I met him because he was "assigned" to me when I did AIDS volunteering. I miss him. I am sure she misses him more than I do.

I hope DH and I never make DS feel bad about himself. Or if we do, I hope we have the good sense to apologize and ask for his forgiveness. If he is gay of course I will love him the same as I always have. That pretty much guarantees he will be straight and he'll throw me some other sort of curve ball I can't deal with.

 

[paigevz]

I hope DH and I never make DS feel bad about himself. Or if we do, I hope we have the good sense to apologize and ask for his forgiveness. If he is gay of course I will love him the same as I always have. That pretty much guarantees he will be straight and he'll throw me some other sort of curve ball I can't deal with.

yeah, I figured my one of my sons will rebel by becoming some really ultra conservative type, and the other will move to the country and listen to country music.............

Those are my two biggest skeeves.........

 

[rcostello1]

I have gone from A to Z and relatively speaking it didn't take that long. The short version is I was basically thrown out when I was 19 but being the responsible person I am I was able to house myself and keep it together. My parents and I didn't really speak or have much to do with each other for a year or two.

For some magical reason they (my Mom in particular) finally came around, not sure why, and in the end they might like my better half more than me!! I guess it is kind of don't ask, don't tell? Anyway, that is far behind us now. We vacation together and are one big happy (dysfunctional) family.

My parents are coming to Vegas with us in the fall. They don't know it yet. Mom turns 60 so it will be a surprise.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

yeah, I figured my one of my sons will rebel by becoming some really ultra conservative type, and the other will move to the country and listen to country music.............

Those are my two biggest skeeves.........

I will hope that NONE of our boys turn into Republicans or hillbillies.
I guess there are probably other things DS could do/become/believe that would be REALLY hard for me to deal with, but I hope that his beliefs will still be the same as mine even when he grows up.

 

[wallyb]

Well I never knew my dad.
He abandoned my mom when I was about one.
Just left one day and never came back. Like from a movie.
But I can honestly say I've never "yearn" to find him.
I don't feel incomplete in any way. When I tell people they're always shocked by the story
and don't seem to believe or understand
my disinterest in meeting him.
Some members of my family know where he now lives.
How... I don't know ... or why.
My relationship with my mom is great.
Sometimes I have to back her off a bit - she tends to get overly involved but
for the most we're cool. She's fine with the whole gay thing -
and really, always has been. It's just a non-issue.

 

[TuckandStuiesMom]

Wow. This is a very intense thread. I've been looking at it for a while and trying to think what to say.

I can honestly say that I think my parents tried to do the best they could. My father died 19 years ago and I am sorry we never had the time, distance from our grievances, or will to heal the deep rift between us. I will say this: he was a GREAT grand-dad to my 3 oldest children.

My mom now lives next door to me. There are a lot of things we don't (can't -- really) talk about. It's mostly OK -- she loves my youngest son about half to death and he returns that love 110%. (I am SO proud of him for it )

I know that I am SO lucky to now have my husband in my life. He smothers me in real honest-to-goodness-unconditional-but -still-not-gonna-take-any specious-crap-off-me love. Making that connection was like finding water in the desert. I sincerely wish the same good fortune to all here -- but particularly to those that also had problematic relationships with the people who were supposed to love them best, first.

 

[Melora]

I was adopted and the parents I grew up with are now gone. I had a hard time with them when I was teen and never felt like I fixed it all with my dad when he died of cancer when I was in my early twenties.

My mom got Parkinson's disease when I was 19. She lasted about 20 years and the last few years of her life I took care of her. It was one of the worst things I've ever had to do. She was a very difficult person while she was alive and even harder while she was sick. She never believed I loved her. Even though I brought her to live me and my family and honored her wishes not to be put into a nursing home she still doubted I cared. I did love her but we had a very rough time of it. I was so relieved when she finally died because it was agonizing watching her slowly die. I cried for weeks though and even to this day (4 years after she passed) I can't go to the cemetery without crying my heart out because I really wish she had never gotten sick and spent my whole adult life sick so we never got to spend time as adult mother and child.

I located my birth parents and my birth mom wanted nothing to do with me but I did create a relationship with my dad. He had some of his own personal problems so we really haven't talked in a while but I have a great sister through him that I adore and am SO glad that I found her

I have numerous kids of my own. 5 home grown (7 - 22), 1 adopted from Russia (8) and 2 step kids ( 13 & 15) . I think overall I have a really good relationship with each them.

My 19 year old is gay and both my hubby (her step dad) and myself are extremely accepting. She has a great partner who she has been with for almost 2 years who we adore and will be coming on our WDW vacation in August and also on our cruise in December. When my ex found out she was gay he said "Oh I always knew there wasn't something quite right with her" She refused to tell him she was gay and said he would find out on her wedding day... she said he didn't deserve to know the details of her life, but right now I don't remember how he found out.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Woosh. How to answer this. Guess it's most efficient to say, my parents "ignore the issue" of my being a lesbian and in a committed relationship. My Mom asks after my DP and sometimes they send her a Christmas gift, but they treat her mostly like a friend of mine.

My parents are older than most (of my cohorts) and are fairly frail so do not travel. They have not been here to our home in FL. We visit them, but do not stay with them.

It's ok. I'm not forcing anything on them. Kind of a metaphor for my entire life with them. They did the "right" things, the parental things, (food, clothes, shelter) cared, and in their own way love, but nothing too intense, nothing too upsetting, if that makes one bit of sense.

I love them. I fear the day they will be gone. As a matter of fact it terrifies me. I wish things could have been a little different, but then it could have been a whole lot worse, and I'm grateful that it wasn't.

 

[Saxton]

I get along very well with my parents, sometimes almost too well!! If I take a day off work for any reason or go into the office late and my mother happens to drive by my house I get a phone call to find out what's wrong. It's pretty funny that she still worries about me like I'm little kid. They're both very liberal and I'm thankful for that.


In the last few years the roles have changed. My parents are elderly and both have gone through some health issues. I'm the primary care giver - I'm the youngest of three kids but for various reasons the bulk of the responsibility is on my shoulders. Last Fall my Dad had cancer followed by numerous complications. He was hospitalized for 3 weeks and when he finally came home I moved into their house for a while. It was a very rough period. He's doing better now and my duties consist of taking care of his meds and taking them to doctors' appointments. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining because they are great people and I will do anything for them, but sometimes I wish I had some help. I'm always worrying that I'm not doing enough for them or making the right medical decisions and that's a heavy weight.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I get along very well with my parents, sometimes almost too well!! If I take a day off work for any reason or go into the office late and my mother happens to drive by my house I get a phone call to find out what's wrong. It's pretty funny that she still worries about me like I'm little kid. They're both very liberal and I'm thankful for that.


In the last few years the roles have changed. My parents are elderly and both have gone through some health issues. I'm the primary care giver - I'm the youngest of three kids but for various reasons the bulk of the responsibility is on my shoulders. Last Fall my Dad had cancer followed by numerous complications. He was hospitalized for 3 weeks and when he finally came home I moved into their house for a while. It was a very rough period. He's doing better now and my duties consist of taking care of his meds and taking them to doctors' appointments. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining because they are great people and I will do anything for them, but sometimes I wish I had some help. I'm always worrying that I'm not doing enough for them or making the right medical decisions and that's a heavy weight.

I hear that! My middle sister made a raging mess of things when she tried to "help" with our father's medical decisions. She also attempted to help herself to all of his assets, leaving nothing for the youngest sister who is still a minor. I told my mother that *I* will be the one handling her affaris in the event she can't continue to do it, *I* will take guardianship of my youngest sister, and *I* will be communicating with her doctors to make sure her care is coordinated properly. I really feel like I am beating my head against the wall, but SOMEBODY needs to do it!

 

[jharrowell]

My mum (or mom if you need the US translation *grin*) died of breast cancer some time ago but I have a feeling she'd have been ok after the shock had worn off.

My dad... Well he disowned me the day I moved out of the house and within 3 months moved to another location without giving me the address. Nuff said really...

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

My mum (or mom if you need the US translation *grin*) died of breast cancer some time ago but I have a feeling she'd have been ok after the shock had worn off.

My dad... Well he disowned me the day I moved out of the house and within 3 months moved to another location without giving me the address. Nuff said really...

I'm so sorry about your mum!
Mine is just barely beginning her battle with breast cancer.
I imagine your dad will be sorry one of these days. I hope you have friends/relatives/a partner to share your life!

 

[cybertheo]

PLUS

and you get my MOM

DAD

Mom - you never know who you'll be talking to Piper laurie or Sue Anne Nivens
Dad - He's a little ecentric.

 

[rosiep]

PLUS

and you get my MOM

DAD

Mom - you never know who you'll be talking to Piper laurie or Sue Anne Nivens
Dad - He's a little ecentric.

Funny!!!! Very Funny!!! My condolences.............

 

[Timon-n-Pumbaa Fan]

My father and I don't see each other or speak with each other that often, but we get along just fine. He is on his 3rd marriage to a woman that is interesting, but not anyone that I would want to live with. lol She has 3 kids of her own....my age and older. I don't consider them to be step siblings because we were not raised under the same roof at any time. One of them refuses to bring his children into my father's house because I turned out gay and he doesn't think that my Dad is a good influence. But, that's his problem. I love my Dad. He has worked like a demon his entire life. He is a month and a half away from full retirement. I have no idea what he is going to do with himself. lol

My mother and I have not seen each other since 1985 and that was in a court of law when she was trying to get more alimony out of my Dad. I will just say that while it's sad that my mother had MS, there is no excuse for child abuse. There is a reason that I chose to stay with my Dad at age 14 instead of going to FL to live with my mother.....and unlike the assumption of her family, it wasn't about the $$$$. The last thing I heard about her was that she was in a nursing home somewhere north of here.