home school? what would you do?

[PollyannaMom]

...It’s my opinion this would solve a lot of issues like what the OP had and at very little cost either monetarily or socially … would you not be willing to give up a little privacy to most likely save a child the immediate and future affects of the type of issues the OP is having?...

So we help the kid who's being bullied but put the one who can now be found by their non-custodial parent (or even one in the witness protection program) in harm's way? I hardly call that "very little cost".

And you still haven't had the guts to tell us (after multiple posters have asked) exactly why you think there aren't cameras now. Does it violate board rules? Are you afraid we'll laugh? What's the problem?

 

[mistysue]

Which comes down to "why" the therapist is against homeschooling this child. Is it because they simply disagree with homeschooling as you suggest? Possible. Is it because they, in their conversations with the child, have learned something that hasn't (yet) been communicated with the mother? IMO, also possible.

I feel saying a new therapist is needed, based solely on what's been presented here, is unreasonable.

I agree.
My oldest was the last we pulled to homeschool. She was in high school at the time and it took a lot of consideration and gathering of information to be certain it wasn't a knee jerk reaction to something she "just didn't want to deal with" - because teaching kids to run away from issues isn't too much better than forcing them to cope with something unreasonable. It involved on our case teacher conferences to confirm issues, and discussion with some of the admins to know how they were (or weren't) going to manage things.

I'm always nervous when people are too gung-ho about pulling a high schooler because in the instances that is it a mistake, the child often has serious negative consequences- which can include setting them back by a semester or even years toward graduation. When one has to stay an extra year in high school because the district determines nothing from home counts that can also have a lasting negative effect on all sorts of things.

 

[lanejudy]

Is it possible that we (including the OP) doesn't know "the rest of the story"?

I’m sure there is more that we don’t know. Whether that is more that the DD hasn’t told, or mom excluded from the post, or what the school is doing/has done, and even just why both daughter and mom are seeing therapists. Did the DD have friends in middle school and did they go to a different high school. Lots more could help understand.

I believe it’s the OP’s therapist who said no to homeschooling, not the daughter’s therapist — who might have a different opinion on the matter.

 

[tzolkin]

I've been told not to give in to homeschooling as then she is getting her way.

she's the one that tells me not to give in and homeschool because DD will learn that she can manipulate.

Or DD will learn how to advocate for herself to ensure that her needs are being met and have the confidence to know that she deserves to be in a comfortable and safe environment.

Please find a new therapist.

My middle daughter decided to homeschool the last 2.5 years of high school. It was the best decision for her and she THRIVED. She learned time management, prioritization, professionalism, and many other skills. She took a bunch of classes (for free) at the community college and even completed a certification in Early Childhood Education. She is way more outgoing and independent than she was before. I think it afforded her the opportunity for personal growth that she would not have had if she had stayed at the high school. It may not be best for everyone, but it was definitely the right decision for her.

 

[VGCgroupie]

I hated going to school, my mom forced me. The path I ultimately chose because of this was not great. I have a 28 year old daughter (I gave birth at 15 years old) and a 9 year old son. I would have never forced her into a school situation that made her that unhappy. My 9 year old son I now homeschool. Homeschooling has an unfair stigma imo. I dont think allowing her homeschool is letting her have her way, if she is willing to do the work whats so bad about doing it at home where she feels safe and comfortable?

 

[cabanafrau]

I've been thinking about this a bit.

Is it possible that we (including the OP) doesn't know "the rest of the story"? Why does the therapist think homeschooling would be giving into the child? What's the response from the school? Is the daughter somehow causing reactions from other students?

And before someone tells me I'm victim blaming, all I'm saying is we don't have the whole story. Maybe everything we've been told is 100% factual, in which case the girl should be taken out of school. Or maybe it's being embellished by the girl or the OP.

Again, not saying it's the case, just a possibility.

It's definitely important that mom do the best she can to uncover factual information about the totality of the circumstances. Making the decisions based on facts should help arriving at a successful solution.

While I believe you are right, that likely nobody knows the whole story, there is nothing unusual about a therapist simply being against homeschool in general. Especially to the homeschool community this wouldn't by itself raise any flags. Just like how you will find doctors, dentists, teachers, police officers and grocery check out people who find themselves opposed to homeschool - either for good reason or no reason at all. There is a huge problem with people misunderstanding homeschool, and there are parents who aren't very good at parenting in every type of school; but in a homeschool situation it's easier to point to homeschool as the reason their kids are affected by this. (and then they become the only ones people bother to gossip about or report on the news)

Respectfully, your suggestion is based on your personal bias where you conclude the therapist is making a recommendation not to homeschool because they must be against homeschool. It's possible, but it's also quite likely the therapist has valid reasons why homeschool might not be the recommendation in this situation, when they might recommend it to another family where it does make sense.

I hated going to school, my mom forced me. The path I ultimately chose because of this was not great. I have a 28 year old daughter (I gave birth at 15 years old) and a 9 year old son. I would have never forced her into a school situation that made her that unhappy. My 9 year old son I now homeschool. Homeschooling has an unfair stigma imo. I dont think allowing her homeschool is letting her have her way, if she is willing to do the work whats so bad about doing it at home where she feels safe and comfortable?

There's nothing wrong with homeschool where it suits the needs of that child. Safety and comfort are absolutely important.
It also bears remembering that sometimes someone can perceive something as unsafe and/or feel they are uncomfortable when there is no actual threat and they're creating the discomfort in their mind. For someone struggling with anxiety it's not necessarily the best idea to make the knee jerk recommendation to say, oh, you feel unsafe and/or uncomfortable, let's "solve" it by avoidance. Lots of people, including children and teenagers, are struggling with anxiety these days. Working toward a real solution that allows them to freely explore life to the fullest is an important consideration that should be factored in as well.

I feel saying a new therapist is needed, based solely on what's been presented here, is unreasonable.

Exactly, we don't know the full situation. OP might not even have the full picture. It is important that OP get objective information to make the decision if the therapist fits her DD's needs.

Or DD will learn how to advocate for herself to ensure that her needs are being met and have the confidence to know that she deserves to be in a comfortable and safe environment.

Please find a new therapist.

My middle daughter decided to homeschool the last 2.5 years of high school. It was the best decision for her and she THRIVED. She learned time management, prioritization, professionalism, and many other skills. She took a bunch of classes (for free) at the community college and even completed a certification in Early Childhood Education. She is way more outgoing and independent than she was before. I think it afforded her the opportunity for personal growth that she would not have had if she had stayed at the high school. It may not be best for everyone, but it was definitely the right decision for her.

It's not one size fits all. The fact it fit one of your children's needs means nothing in regards to anyone else's needs. Thank goodness your child found a solution where they were able to find success. Hopefully every kid can find what works for their success as well.

 

[VGCgroupie]

There's nothing wrong with homeschool where it suits the needs of that child. Safety and comfort are absolutely important.
It also bears remembering that sometimes someone can perceive something as unsafe and/or feel they are uncomfortable when there is no actual threat and they're creating the discomfort in their mind. For someone struggling with anxiety it's not necessarily the best idea to make the knee jerk recommendation to say, oh, you feel unsafe and/or uncomfortable, let's "solve" it by avoidance. Lots of people, including children and teenagers, are struggling with anxiety these days. Working toward a real solution that allows them to freely explore life to the fullest is an important consideration that should be factored in as well.

You can work towards a solution while allowing them to homeschool. Anxiety is real and they shouldn't be forced to be in a situation that makes them uncomfortable just because its anxiety and potentially not a a real threat. That is terrible for the mental health of someone with anxiety.

As for me, I found the comfort I needed when it wasn't being met at home. Thats why I had a baby at 15 years old.

 

[VGCgroupie]

I hated going to school, my mom forced me. The path I ultimately chose because of this was not great. I have a 28 year old daughter (I gave birth at 15 years old) and a 9 year old son. I would have never forced her into a school situation that made her that unhappy. My 9 year old son I now homeschool. Homeschooling has an unfair stigma imo. I dont think allowing her homeschool is letting her have her way, if she is willing to do the work whats so bad about doing it at home where she feels safe and comfortable?

You can work towards a solution while allowing them to homeschool. Anxiety is real and they shouldn't be forced to be in a situation that makes them uncomfortable just because its anxiety and potentially not a a real threat. That is terrible for the mental health of someone with anxiety.

As for me, I found the comfort I needed when it wasn't being met at home. Thats why I had a baby at 15 years old.

I actually want to elaborate as this makes it seem that me having my daughter was the "not great path" I chose. I actually sought the feeling of safety by choosing a friend group that made me feel safe. Once I was an initiated gang member I realized I was also seeking comfort which is what led to me having a baby at 15. At that point in my life having her is what saved me.

So this is my experience that led me to the advice I gave, not me speaking in hypotheticals. I hope @hulagirl87 reads this and realizes that being forced to be at school can potentially make her life choices much worse than someone who was given into and allowed to homeschool.

 

[cabanafrau]

You can work towards a solution while allowing them to homeschool. Anxiety is real and they shouldn't be forced to be in a situation that makes them uncomfortable just because its anxiety and potentially not a a real threat. That is terrible for the mental health of someone with anxiety.

As for me, I found the comfort I needed when it wasn't being met at home. Thats why I had a baby at 15 years old.

It's entirely dependent on what the kid needs. Of course anxiety is real. Learning to manage it is important. In some situations it may be necessary to take a beat, work on coping strategies and then step out when equipped to confront it. In other situations avoidance and withdrawal can allow space for it to grow, get stronger, be more difficult to climb over. No matter what the path, the goal should be the same -- the ability to pursue all the dreams and potential life offers.

I actually want to elaborate as this makes it seem that me having my daughter was the "not great path" I chose. I actually sought the feeling of safety by choosing a friend group that made me feel safe. Once I was an initiated gang member I realized I was also seeking comfort which is what led to me having a baby at 15. At that point in my life having her is what saved me.

So this is my experience that led me to the advice I gave, not me speaking in hypotheticals.

I doubt anyone reading thought for a moment that you had a single qualm about your child, only the challenges of the timing. No doubt your child was able to learn a lot from you as you learned yourself and modeled a lot of growth through trial and error and being persistent.

 

[mistysue]

Respectfully, your suggestion is based on your personal bias where you conclude the therapist is making a recommendation not to homeschool because they must be against homeschool. It's possible, but it's also quite likely the therapist has valid reasons why homeschool might not be the recommendation in this situation, when they might recommend it to another family where it does make sense.

Not sure you connected the conversation stream completely. I was literally pointing out that in addition to the possibility that the therapist was making a personalized suggestion it's possible they have a prejudice. It's pretty important to consider that when we don't know anything more given how commonly homeschool families have trouble finding a doctor or therapist because they homeschool.

 

[hulagirl87]

I want you to be sure this is the case where you are IF you take that advice. Many families leave during high school, only to find out their child can re-enroll but NOTHING they have done counts- As in every year there are kids who want to try out public high school for Senior year, and the district will only enroll them as freshman!

That aside, find out the laws for your state.
Find out what your daughter wants to do.
Determine if you are able to give her the experiences she needs to get where she needs to go. Online or charter schools are popular, we have gone with piecing together what our kids need on an individual basis.

All 3 of mine started in public. My oldest was a little unhappy, the middle was seriously neglected (depressed from gifted being held back), and the youngest was suicidal by 8. One by one they started homeschooling and it was absolutely the best thing for any of them. They are happier, well rounded, and more social. I actually get compliments on the youngest and his social skills from random adults who have no idea he homeschools and he's the one who has been home the longest. (and was pegged a trouble maker by the district)

I think you know homeschool is a huge commitment. It is. But so is everything with kids. It can also be expensive - which gets back to "know your state" because some of them have funding and some don't. Possibly join some social media homeschool groups to see roughly what you are looking at. (and for goodness sake, resist the urge to buy everything or trust the dirt cheap all-in-one programs that are being advertised without looking into them)

this is where I feel overwhelmed. How do I know what curriculum to follow. How do I keep her on track with her learning making sure she's getting the credits she needs. I have reached out to the school twice asking for help with this and no response. There are so many programs out there and I have no idea what I'm doing.

 

[hulagirl87]

I’m sure there is more that we don’t know. Whether that is more that the DD hasn’t told, or mom excluded from the post, or what the school is doing/has done, and even just why both daughter and mom are seeing therapists. Did the DD have friends in middle school and did they go to a different high school. Lots more could help understand.

I believe it’s the OP’s therapist who said no to homeschooling, not the daughter’s therapist — who might have a different opinion on the matter.

I've been seeing a therapist for several years due to medical/health trauma as well as man, it just feels good to talk to someone. DD just started seeing someone this year as all of this was unfolding and thought it would be good for her to talk to someone too. DD's therapist is the one that said no to homeschooling.

Bottom line, kids are mean and my daughter doesn't feel like she fits in anywhere and that people are very mean to her. She does tell me everything and I count myself lucky that she is very honest with me. We have a great relationship and that's why it hurts me so much that she is hurting. I hate how she is treated and I hate that the school is just really "meh" about the whole thing. My neighbor's kids went to the same school and have long since graduated, but DH and I remember her complaining about the district back when they were there.

I want to do what is best for her. I just don't know if that's pulling her out completely, or trying to move to another school, but what's to say that things would be better there. There are mean kids everywhere and I can't protect her from that all the time. Life is tough, but to me the way she is being treated isn't the normal teasing, or the kind of thing I can say "just suck it up" to. She's really sad and it hurts my heart.

 

[mistysue]

this is where I feel overwhelmed. How do I know what curriculum to follow. How do I keep her on track with her learning making sure she's getting the credits she needs. I have reached out to the school twice asking for help with this and no response. There are so many programs out there and I have no idea what I'm doing.

The easiest answer - start with what state you are in. Look up the homeschooling laws for your state. For example, I am in Michigan. I simply have to tell our local district (recommended in writing, so email or certified letter) that my child is unenrolled from the school as of X date. That's it. Now I must educate my child in reading, spelling, literature, writing & English grammar, mathematics, science, history, and civics (certain grades). There is no further guidance. I can use whatever materials we want. We can keep whatever schedules.
Some states require some sort of report, keeping track of dates/time. You can use online programs for individual subjects or something that covers everything. (some are actual schools, some are curriculums) The beginning questions would be what are the laws where you physically are.

When I determine my kids are done, I can basically just declare them done a write a diploma. If they want to apply to college, I have to make a transcript, otherwise nobody really checks over what they have done... honestly similar to a school, who can declare kids done and make random exceptions for curriculum. (and do more than most think they do)

 

[mom2rtk]

I have two comments for you:

1. Teachers would love to have cameras in the classrooms so we could show parents exactly what their child was doing instead of working.

2. My niece and nephew were taken from their school by their non-custodial mother who had lost all contact and visitation rights because she suffered from Munchausen by proxy. When she lost custody of them, my BIL pulled them from the public school they were attending for two reasons: 1) she knew what school they attended and he knew she would go there and try to take the kids, and 2) he thought they would be safer in a private school.

Their mother spent hours on school websites hoping to find my niece and nephew. Because the school that my BIL enrolled his children in did not follow his directions of not posting their names or pictures on the school website, she was able to find the new school when my niece's picture was taken during a school activity and then posted on the website.

Ex-SIL then went to the school, told the secretary and principal she was taking her children to lunch, they allowed the children to leave with her. It took us 3 months of looking for our niece and nephew before they were found.

This was caused because a school posted a picture of a student when they were not supposed to post that picture.

No. It was caused by by the school allowing someone to pick up the children who wasn't allowed to.

 

[hulagirl87]

Or DD will learn how to advocate for herself to ensure that her needs are being met and have the confidence to know that she deserves to be in a comfortable and safe environment.

Please find a new therapist.

My middle daughter decided to homeschool the last 2.5 years of high school. It was the best decision for her and she THRIVED. She learned time management, prioritization, professionalism, and many other skills. She took a bunch of classes (for free) at the community college and even completed a certification in Early Childhood Education. She is way more outgoing and independent than she was before. I think it afforded her the opportunity for personal growth that she would not have had if she had stayed at the high school. It may not be best for everyone, but it was definitely the right decision for her.

this sounds amazing! i just worry that completely taking her out of social situations will make things worse (?)

 

[tetera]

this is where I feel overwhelmed. How do I know what curriculum to follow. How do I keep her on track with her learning making sure she's getting the credits she needs. I have reached out to the school twice asking for help with this and no response. There are so many programs out there and I have no idea what I'm doing.

https://hslda.org/about/faqs/homeschooling

https://hslda.org/about/faqs/homeschooling#high-school

https://hslda.org/post/the-big-questions

https://hslda.org/post/more-big-questions

https://hslda.org/post/will-my-teen-miss-out

https://hslda.org/post/whats-my-teens-perspective

https://hslda.org/legal/

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

this sounds amazing! i just worry that completely taking her out of social situations will make things worse (?)

Does she struggle socially in general? Or is it just this batch of kids at school? Does she have a friend group? I get the pain of seeing our children struggle socially. Have had that with one of mine.

 

[mistysue]

this sounds amazing! i just worry that completely taking her out of social situations will make things worse (?)

Back up- besides the part where her problem with the school is how the social aspect is going there, homeschooling doesn't mean no social situations. Are you on Facebook? There are a million homeschool parent groups - join some and look around. Look for ones that are local and see what the local homeschoolers are doing. You might find out there are co-ops, sports teams, meet-ups all over the place. Some locations there are fewer in-person events, but homeschoolers have online gatherings, she might find new friends all around the world through a D&D club or a film class. Have her take a community ed exercise class, community theater, painting class, join a martial art, or just get a part-time job. See what programs your library offers. Maybe volunteer at a local animal shelter, a food pantry, something with younger kids? (something in her interest set)

Many homeschool families find their kids better socially adapted outside of the "system" - is it really natural to be segregated by age? If social activity is what is holding you back, think about how common it is that people hear high school is NOT what the real world is like. Public school is not for socializing, it is a convenient way to have children learn when parents either aren't sure what to offer them or don't have the time. The socials aspect (which for the bulk of kids seems to malfunction more often than it goes well) is an unfortunate side effect of putting too many immature people in one place at the same time.

 

[VGCgroupie]

Back up- besides the part where her problem with the school is how the social aspect is going there, homeschooling doesn't mean no social situations. Are you on Facebook? There are a million homeschool parent groups - join some and look around. Look for ones that are local and see what the local homeschoolers are doing. You might find out there are co-ops, sports teams, meet-ups all over the place. Some locations there are fewer in-person events, but homeschoolers have online gatherings, she might find new friends all around the world through a D&D club or a film class. Have her take a community ed exercise class, community theater, painting class, join a martial art, or just get a part-time job. See what programs your library offers. Maybe volunteer at a local animal shelter, a food pantry, something with younger kids? (something in her interest set)

Many homeschool families find their kids better socially adapted outside of the "system" - is it really natural to be segregated by age? If social activity is what is holding you back, think about how common it is that people hear high school is NOT what the real world is like. Public school is not for socializing, it is a convenient way to have children learn when parents either aren't sure what to offer them or don't have the time. The socials aspect (which for the bulk of kids seems to malfunction more often than it goes well) is an unfortunate side effect of putting too many immature people in one place at the same time.

Agree so many ways homeschool kids get socialized. Sports, clubs all kinds of things.

 

[DCLMP]

this sounds amazing! i just worry that completely taking her out of social situations will make things worse (?)

I would do what you think is best. I wouldn't let her therapist make that decision for you. Her therapist may just be anti-homeschooling in general. Some people have a bias against it. I would find what her therapist reasoning is before taking her opinion under consideration. Ultimately you are responsible for whatever happens.