I will add that I dont do all my mom's home care. She was cutting her own grass this summer and actually flipped her riding mower over so she really needs to cut it out and hire someone. The summer she got her knees replaced I tried to cut her grass while I was there but then told her to hire someone for when I left and she paid a neighbor boy...just for 2 months. Then went back to doing it herself this summer. She has the money to hire out this stuff but she wont do it. She needs a house cleaner too. And she has renovated her entire house claiming she plans to sell and move into a more fitting place with no maintainence but it's been like 2 years and she has yet to list her house.
DH wont help because he thinks I shouldnt be doing all that I am. Plus he works a demanding job and I do not work and have been fortunate to not have to work most of our marriage. And he deals with his parents' stuff when I cant because I am dealing with my mom. His mom had a cancer battle during my mom's knee thing and I really wasnt there for his mom at all. But this Thanksgiving...yeah he should have pitched in. But he never really does...I guess because I dont work and I think he is bit old school misogynistic 50s mentality.
I do need boundaries though. Sigh. We get done raising kids and then have parents who need tending. I tried to tell DH when he felt he had to switch jobs to here. Said we'd be needed more by our parents but he can never forsee things, they have to be happening right in front of him. Of course his parents were healthy back when he took this job so it wasnt on his radar. Until it was.
I have some more feedback/thoughts for you to consider:
Re: yard work & house cleaning:
So what you're saying above is that your mom is basically cheap and doesn't want to pay for somebody else to do it. Yet she's fine with totally inconveniencing you about once a month. That's not fair. No one can take advantage of you without your permission. The fact that you don't work outside the home is beside the point.
Re: your DH thinks that you shouldn't be doing all that you currently are:
YOUR DH IS RIGHT! It is not your job to take care of everybody all the time. You need to say no. It will be ok if you do.
Re: tending to aging parents:
You should not necessarily be killing yourself and working yourself into a depression taking care of aging parents. If you feel that this is starting to happen, then you need to set up some boundaries for yourself.
Re: your DH switching jobs to where you live right now & tending to aging parents:
What you might not realize is that you living farther away from your parents-in-law and from your parents is a blessing in disguise. It is not your job to go and save everyone else from themselves. You & your DH need to enjoy your new empty nester lives together. Instead, you are hyper-focused on what everyone else needs.
You know what? My dad lives clear on the other side of the country from us. He's a stubborn old fart who doesn't want to move, even though he really hates living there. He has a massive house that just he and his wife live in. I'm talking almost 3000 sq ft of living space on an acre of land. He could easily move into a nice smaller home that's much more manageable, maybe even in a retirement community with a club house where he could chat with all of the other retirees. He's starting to develop health problems. But he won't listen to me or my sister. It's his life. So you know what I and my sister do? We butt out.
My dad is also the sort of person who likes to be RIGHT more than he likes to be happy. In his mind, he is entitled to sit there in his big house and have us visit him every year because he doesn't want to go anywhere. Well, that's not in the financial cards. Us flying there is cost prohibitive. He's rolling in it, his house is totally paid off, he's retired, and can afford the airfare to come to us. I've invited him here to visit several times. He refuses to come.
Do I go run over there and knock myself out to please him? Absolutely not. Do I go and spend money we can't afford on airfare we can't afford and with vacation time that we don't have from our jobs? Of course not. We stay here and invite him. He refuses.
As a result, he's pretty grumpy. He's grumpy because life isn't going how he wanted it to. Well, news to Grandpa: that's how life is. Sometimes you don't always get what you want. This perhaps is a lesson that your mom needs to learn now, too. And it starts by you building a proverbial fence between you and her. Stop running to her rescue all the time. Stop running over there to mow her lawn. Or to put up her Christmas decorations on the outside of her house. Seriously.
Find a hobby..something to do....volunteer somewhere in your local community....do SOMETHING that YOU enjoy that does NOT involve ANY of your immediate or extended family members. Something that will require regular time from you on a regular basis. And go do it.
You need to go out and rediscover who you are. Join a book club. Go to a women's group at whatever place of worship you prefer if you follow a particular religion. Join a hiking club. Sign up to be a mentor in Big Brothers/Big Sisters or something like that. Volunteer at a cool local charity (but not one that involves taking care of senior citizens). For many years, perhaps your identity of who you are was wrapped up in "mother, chief organizer and care taker of everyone." When you take away that role, who are you left with within yourself? THAT is what you need to figure out.