Her Cheating Heart - Advice Needed!

[Piglet843]

I need some advice about what to do.

My best friend of 5 years is engaged to marry her boyfriend of 4 years. She says she loves him dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. She was my maid of honor at my wedding and she wants me to be in hers too. So I am helping her plan her wedding.

At the same time - she is also with another man anytime she is not with her fiance. They go out on dates, they have sex, they do the sweet sappy love letters and text messages to each other. He even bought her a star for christmas and spent another $300 on her for a spa treatment package. She says that she loves guyB dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him.
So I am stuck in the middle of helping her plan her wedding with guyA while she is also in love with guyB. She says she wishes she could just have them both and not have to make a decision. She says she knows its wrong but she just can't stop - "when I'm with guyB I just can't tell him no".
What is a best friend to do? I can't tell her anything - she won't hear it. I tried to tell her that I don't want to be a part of it anymore - that I can't sit down with her and help her plan her wedding while she is also telling me about being with this other man. But after telling her that - she doesn't want to be friends anymore. She says I'm judging her - and abandoning her and that I'm just a fairweather friend.
I don't know what else to do - it breaks my heart to see her do this to herself and to her loved one(s).
Should I just chalk this up to a friend lost?
- ExBestFriend

 

[Jennifer S]

wow - that's a tough one. Do you have any other good friends in common that you could talk to? Not sure what esle to say. Good luck

 

[kdibattista]

If a condition of you being her friend is having to accept her cheating, then yes, I would lose her as a friend yesterday.

Sorry

 

[SeaShelley]

Walk away. Your "best friend" shows little in the way moral character and, frankly, do you want to be associated with someone like that?

I'm sorry that she has placed you in this situation, but she really doesn't sound like a very nice person. Go find yourself a new friend!

Good luck.

Edited to add: How does this woman think she can hide her "friend with benefits" forever? Does he have a SO? I know it may sound drastic, but have you considered telling the fiance? He's the one getting hosed here!

 

[Linzybrooke]

If a condition of you being her friend is having to accept her cheating, then yes, I would lose her as a friend yesterday.

Sorry

I totally agree. It is only a sign of things to come. If she expects you to cover for her and lie for her then she isn't being much of a friend. You know this is going to end badly so why let yourself be a part of it.

 

[Ariel Wanna-be]

Do guys A & B know about each other? Or are they both in the dark? If they know about each other (stranger things have happened) then they are all fools, and by all means help her plan her wedding.

But if either of the guys is unaware of the other, then I would not want to be friends with someone who can hurt (and take advantage of) another person so freely.

 

[declansdad]

She is not a real friend and someone needs to tell guy A before he makes a huge mistake.

 

[ScorpioJeni]

If a condition of you being her friend is having to accept her cheating, then yes, I would lose her as a friend yesterday.

Sorry

ITA...lose her

 

[lovemygoofy]

I'm sorry but your friend has no idea what love is and I think she is just selfish. She feels special because she has not one but two guys after her and she gets to dangle them by the string more than likely. I would tell your friend that if she had any real feelings for the fiancee then she needs to let him go because she doesn't have the love for him or the beliefs in place to make a marriage work. Is she planning to keep guy B as a backup?

Yes, I would not be in wedding and no I wouldn't be her friend. I associate myself with people that build me up and have similiar values that I do. Good luck thats a hard situation.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

i couldn't be friends with someone like that. SO i am with the majority of posters here

 

[teacups]

Sounds like she will soon be needing someone to help her plan her divorce. Do you want to be there for that as well? Will you babysit her kids while she is in court fighting for custody? What an uncomfortable situation for you to be in! She shouldnt be doing this... and she shouldnt have dragged you in it. Crummy friend.

 

[bsnyder]

If it were me, I'd tell her that I'll be her friend and support her through thick and thin but that there is no way I'm helping her plan a wedding under those circumstances. The issue isn't whether you're judging her - she's free to make her own choices about what's right and what's wrong. But so is everyone else. And she's not entitled to force a friend to support something (the wedding) that goes against their own principles.

I'd also tell her I think she needs to get some counseling. The fact that she would even contemplate marriage under these conditions tells me she's got some issues about something...

I'd say that I'm telling her these things because I love her and only want the best for her. And that I wouldn't be a good friend if I wasn't willing to stand up and say what I really think.

 

[mytwotinks]

This may seem irrelevant but, does your dh know. I think my dh would really be irritated that I was helping someone who I knew was cheating plan their wedding. He would probably wonder why I was contributing to something like this if I really thought of marriage as a sacred vow. I know that I would be very disappointed in my dh if he was helping a friend cheat on his wife.

 

[cybrkitn]

She is not a real friend and someone needs to tell guy A before he makes a huge mistake.

I agree. Marriage is not something to take lightly or toy around with. When a couple is taking their vows, it's a promise to each other with meaning; not empty words.

It sounds like your friend is not ready for a commitment and needs to grow up. She is definately not "in love" with either guyA or guyB it's more like "lust". GuyA needs to know before any more money is spent especially at the cost of weddings these days! IMO, both guys are better off without her.

 

[kpm76]

She is not a real friend if she's willing to put you in such a compromising situation. I would not be able to associate with someone like that in good conscience. Marriage is a sacred bond as far as I am concerned so I'd have to find it in myself to break the news to Guy A. He deserves to know that the person he thinks he is marrying is lying and being deceptive. Guy A may not believe you but at least you have the peace of mind knowing you did the best you could to help him dodge a bullet. Good luck...this is not an easy situation.

 

[Dory's Twin]

Run fast! If she is willing to do this to her DF...what would she be willing to do to you (or what has she already done to you?)

Does your DH know? Do you have any allegiance to her DF? If he doesn't already know...he should find out. Not saying to squeal on her, just don't cover. and if he asks you why you are no longer her friend, answer honestly.

 

[noseybuddy]

How can she live with herself. A real friend would not put you in such a dishonest and disgusting situation.

 

[Piglet843]

Wow - i thank all of you for your quick responses. I have been soo stressed about this for so long (6-months or so!!) The fiance does not know about the other guy. But the other guy obviously knows about her fiance. He doesn't care (guys huh.. just about the sex for them most of the time)
I am also friends with the fiance and I have seriously considered telling him - I just don't know how - or if it was really my place to do that.

Also - yes DH knows about all this - his advice is the same - lose her.
She has way more problems than just this in her life that he doesn't want me to be around anyway.

Its just so hard - we have both changed so much and gone our own ways in life - I guess its just time to cut that cord - and start looking for a new one.

Thanks for your replies - keep them coming...

 

[oxfordcircus]

Think about STD's. I think dude "a" needs to get tested.

 

[oxfordcircus]

(guys huh.. just about the sex for them most of the time)

yeah, your friend is really doing the ladies proud. just about the sex....