Helping out family members with $$$$$$$

[TiggerTails57]

opcorn:

 

[branv]

Yes, he is enabling him. He loves him, but he's enabling him. Fact is the guy is never going to get better, will keep hurting himself and others as long as people make it easy for him.

Just look at the facts of this man's behavior.

TWO DUI's, court-ordered AA. And it sounds like most of his regret in regards to this is just about losing his license. He could have killed someone or himself, and the first DUI sure didn't make a dent. Any indication that he doesn't want to drink anymore for himself and the safety of others, or is it just all about getting the license back? Add to that, he had no money to support himself, but clearly found a way to get money to drink. In short, so far he does as much as he can get away with until someone forces him to do something about it i.e. court punishment. Helping him get his car/license just puts him on the road again, without any real assurance he won't do it drunk again (and giving him money just makes it easier for him to buy alcohol). People deserve a second chance, but again...given his history you've posted, that he's blown second, third, etc chances you've given him, what indication has he given that he will do anything but what he wants regardless of how it hurts others? How would your DH feel if he helped his brother get his car back and he ended up hurting someone with it while driving drunk?

He won't take care of himself knowing he has diabetes. I would say "his choice", except that that choice is costing other people not just stress and pain, but costing them money. He obviously doesn't care that he's doing that to his siblings (and his mother before that). He just figures someone will bail him out.

He has children he clearly puts himself before (not taking the opportunities to straighten out his finances, putting his life at risk, etc). If he can't even put their needs before his own selfish ones, why in the world would your DH think he's suddenly going to be a different person. If your DH really wants to help someone in need, he should offer some support to his niece/nephew, the REAL victims in all this.

In short...the guy just has no urge nor any drive to "be different." Why should he? He gets a free pass, others take care of him and his obligations, and that's a pretty sweet life. And honestly, even if he's just suffering from a massive lack of self-confidence, doing things for him isn't going to help him feel better about himself.

I don't doubt your DH loves his brother, but if he really wants to help him, he'll stop making it easier for him to fail.

I feel for all the guilt and confusion your DH must be feeling. You have my sympathy for your situation.

 

[Luvchefmic]

Yes, it was left to DH's brother.......free and clear.
DH pays the insurance and taxes on the trailer.
(Sister in law has a house down the road, that was given to her many years ago).

Yeah oh boy I was going with the "threaten to sell the house" tough love you know ? but that's a moot point...sorry...sounds like you & DH had great intentions to "help" but like you said "When does it end?" I almost fell sorry for your BIL...sounds like he has a lot of problems. I really think its going to come down to a family in person sit down...sad so many families go through this stuff.

An old boss of mine used to say all the time "Teach a man to fish & he'll eat for a life time...Feed a man a fish he'll eat for a day.."

I wish you all the best

 

[badblackpug]

In a word: Yes. Your husband is enabling him. The question is: Is he willing to stop? After all, your brother in law is an adult and responsible for himself. Is he still drinking? If so, he will probably never get his diabetes under control. Does he smoke? I'm asking because most people with COPD do. Your brother in law earns minimal money and has no source of transportation, so I can't imagine he has a high entertainment budget, and doesn't pay any bills, other than paying his money gouging sister for rides, so I'm thinking he is probably drinking and smoking away his paycheck.

Of course, if your husband does not want to discontinue support, I am not sure what there is you can do. Maybe put limits on what you are willing to pay. Like you will pay for utilities only (and DirecTV be d*mned...that is not a necessity) but he is responsible for the rest of his bills. Or you will pay his prescription bills, but he is responsible for the rest. Or maybe put a limit on what you are willing to spend a month, such as...we will pay X amount a month towards your bills, you are responsible for the rest. ...or put a time limit on how long you are willing to continue, such as: we will continue the current arrangement through 12/31/2010. That gives you adequate time to get yourself together, after that you are on your own. Maybe he can go to social services and look into public assistance?

Really I can't see this situation coming to any good end. As long as you are willing to give he will be willing to take.

 

[NYCDiane]

I agree with the other posters.. .why not have a family meeting to discuss it? You, your DH, and your SIL can all get together w/BIL and tell him that the handouts stop on _______. Help him sort out a budget, help him fill out papers for state aid for medical and pharmacy (or get help through the Partnership for Prescription Assistance), help him find a full time job or an additional part time job. Give him information on diabetes and what kinds of foods he should/shouldn't be eating.

In other words, give him all the resources he needs to support himself.

If he doesn't succeed, you can't blame yourselves (although he will try to blame you)

He's 47 --- time to grow up!

 

[Amandaj0831]

I would have a meeting with a timeline of when the help is going to stop. Start with cutting off things one at a time so it is not drastic and gives him a chance to get things set up for him to take them over. Maybe decide if there is one or 2 bills you dont mind helping with (ex medications) but the others he needs to begin to do himself

 

[okeydokey]

I think my Dh and his siblings will be looking at a similar situation when his parents pass. They have a brother who doesn't work married to a wife who doesn't work. They live off govt disability checks but the parents still make up the difference. DHs Dad has said that he expects the rest of the siblings to take care of brother when the parents are gone. Both his sisters have no intention of supporting this brother and we have a family of our own and are in no position to do either. I think brother will have a wake up call. It would be a lot easier if they started trying to help themselves now while they have a safety net but I know they won't.

 

[KKB]

and SIL is taking advantage of him! ($75/week--seriously??)
I have an aunt like this. He will NOT change unless forced (and then he still might not). I know your DH wants to help--BUT HE ISN'T. Giving BIL $ is NOT helping him--it is only hurting your family.
The timeline is a great idea.
"If you love something, let it go..."

 

[Sunbeamblue2002]

OK I don't really have alot of helpful advice but I am going to ask you to step into your husbands shoes for just a moment. Thats not just his brother its he twin brother and thats a bond that most of us just don't have. So try to remember that when your trying to solve these issues.

As far as the medical bill go with him making as little money he dose isn't there a county hospital that he can go to see about help with those bills and medicine taking some of the burden off of you. Other progams like HEAP/PiPP that are out there that he might quailfy for. If he see's other ways he might not be so quick to call on you and your hubby for help.

Also keep in mind what you MIL might have told your husband growing up "remember always look out for your bother" etc. that might be wheighing on your husband that hold him back from cutting your BIL off. Talk to your husband and be open and honest and see where he's coming from first and then sit down with you BIL together. Maybe your husband dosen't belive that he is enabling he might be feeling like he is living up to an oblogation.

Good luck in what ever happens

 

[crisi]

Do you have kids? Your own children are your first priority. Any money being put to a 47 year old who hasn't figured out to support himself is money your kids won't have towards college.

And not only is your husband enabling his brother, you are enabling your husband.

 

[LovableGluttons]

OP? What happens if your DH or you pass away before BIL? Who will support him then?

It's not helping him, it is keeping him from being independent.

He needs to learn to be self sufficient now.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

I have learned the hard way thatyou just can't "help" someone who doesn't see a problem. Obviously he lived off MIL and now your DH has just picked up the unhealthy enabling out of grief for his mother. If he ever wants his brother to grow up and be a responsible human being he has to stop giving him a free ride. This is no different than a child who want his own way, whether it is good for him or not, and all the adults give in. He is a 47 year old child. He needs to grow up. It has to stop.

 

[tomthebarncat]

Are you and your family a bank? it appears as if, your family member is using his family as an ATM. My personal opinion is that you have more money then sense. Why would you continously bail some one out who clearly has a strong desire to go nowhere fast? let him crash and burn!

 

[bettymae1121]

If it were me, I'd pay the taxes on the trailer so that BIL isn't homeless (homelessnes to an alcoholic diabetic is a death sentence), but I wouldn't give a dime above that unless it was litterally life or death. If he were working his butt off but couldn't quite make it that would be one thing, but he's doing virtually nothing to help himself and counting on family to bail him out. Time to let him know that situation is ending. He'll have a place to live and that's it.

But, it's not up to you, it's up to your DH, and that gets trickier. You and he will have to figure out together what you can afford and what your DH can live with as far as help is concerned. If your DH wants to fully support your BIL, all you can do is say "we have X available after our own needs are met, and that's all we can do". Hopefully your DH will come to the decision himself that his helping isn't really helping.

Perhaps your DH would benfit from attending a few Alanon meetings, it's like AA but for family members of additcts, it helps them address co-dependancy and enableing issues.

 

[LisaInNc]

I have one of these in my family. My brother lives off my mother. He has not worked for years. He is 40 years old.

When my Mother dies it's going to be interesting to see what happens to him.

I have been quite vocal that I WILL NOT be taking that over. There are 3 of us and my other sister is 21 years younger than I am so that could be a huge burden for her.

I think that unless you and your DH are going to keep this up forever you should start to wean him off. If something happens to your DH are you going to keep it up?

It seems like you are helping him but you are getting yourself into a place where you are going to be the evil people when you stop helping him.

I wish you luck you and your DH sound like truely good people.

I am considered the evil *ich in my family. I will accept that title if it means that I don't have to "raise" my 40 year old brother in the future.

Lisa