Help with grieving mil UPDATE FEB 17

[quandrea]

But, is she 'telling her story'... or is she wallowing and complaining and creating emotional drama. I think there is a difference.

I am not so sure that "my life today is dark and black and sad and horrid' is the same as telling ones stories.

From the original post:


To me, I am not so sure that this is talking one's way thru healing.
It does sound more like digging a deeper pit of darkness and self-pity.

As the OP has expresssed concern about.

She is very negative. Always has been. I can't help but think that if she got out with friends and found some interests her world would open up and she would have things to talk about. Some good experiences could do nothing but help.

 

[Laura66]

But, is she 'telling her story'... or is she wallowing and complaining and creating emotional drama..

Egads - that's a dramatic statement!

The poor woman's husband, companion of many, many years is gone! Of course she's depressed and "wallowing"

Thank goodness my dear friends and family are there for me, let me - and continue to let me on occasion - wallow in my grief over the death of my brother. Of finding him his apartment 3 days after he died.

The advise some posters give here? Well if their friends and family follow it they are going to be very much alone and considered a burden!

 

[dazedx3]

Maybe she is wallowing, maybe this is a pattern. However that first year is so very difficult, even the most routine tasks can bring the grief to the surface. She also is getting older and feeling, most likely, that her whole life is changing.

 

[luvsJack]

But, is she 'telling her story'... or is she wallowing and complaining and creating emotional drama. I think there is a difference.

I am not so sure that "my life today is dark and black and sad and horrid' is the same as telling ones stories.

From the original post:


To me, I am not so sure that this is talking one's way thru healing.
It does sound more like digging a deeper pit of darkness and self-pity.

As the OP has expresssed concern about.

Have you lost anyone that is such a huge part of your life that they leave a huge hole in your life, your heart and in your whole being?

If you haven't then you have no idea what this woman is going through. You don't just get over it in a year. And you can't talk your way through it unless you are talking to the right people and/or directing your life in another way to fill at least a part of that void. You can't just snap out of it and suddenly everything is sunshine and roses. And you don't always know how to get help or think that anything will help. Suggestions don't work because the only thing you see as making it better is getting that person back. That's why she needs someone to go with her to a support group, to talk to her doctor and whatever else is there to help her.

 

[luvsJack]

We've done all this and I have kept my dh up to speed on this. I tell him every time she talks to me. She has a very involved family. My dh visits but nothing of substance is said. They don't seem able to go there as son and mother. None of it makes any difference. Maybe dh knows deep down that she won't heed his advice or take his help. He has little patience for that kind of behaviour.

As for turning my back on her when she reaches out. I don't feel close enough to her to take her out, go to the md with her. I know if I did any of those things my SIL wily be very put out. I don't know why she doesn't confide in her own kids and I wish itwere not put on me as I feel I am not the person to assist her.

If she were my own mother I'd be more than willing to take the lead. I really feel it is not my place.

Why doesn't your sil do it then?

If she isn't willing, then it doesn't matter she would be "put out". Its not about her, its about your mil.

 

[mom2rtk]

Hugs to you OP.

You're in a bad spot. You told your husband his mother was confiding in you about her depression and his response was that he wasn't going to micromanage a 75 year old woman's life? Ouch. That makes me sad.

My guess is that she is confiding in you because she knows that is the sort of response she would get from her son. Maybe there's some dynamic going on with her daughter that's making it hard to confide in her as well. Nobody knows.

But it appears that you are someone in her life she feels she can confide in. I TOTALLY understand your desire to bow out. But I do think that's something you could regret later. If you are able, I do think you need to consider some of the suggestions you have seen here about trying to bring some life into her and her home. You might never succeed, but you will know that you tried.

That's not to say that this is your job, especially when her own son has balked at the challenge. But please do just give some thought to how you will feel if things take a bad turn. And do what you can.

 

[quandrea]

Hugs to you OP.

You're in a bad spot. You told your husband his mother was confiding in you about her depression and his response was that he wasn't going to micromanage a 75 year old woman's life? Ouch. That makes me sad.

My guess is that she is confiding in you because she knows that is the sort of response she would get from her son. Maybe there's some dynamic going on with her daughter that's making it hard to confide in her as well. Nobody knows.

But it appears that you are someone in her life she feels she can confide in. I TOTALLY understand your desire to bow out. But I do think that's something you could regret later. If you are able, I do think you need to consider some of the suggestions you have seen here about trying to bring some life into her and her home. You might never succeed, but you will know that you tried.

That's not to say that this is your job, especially when her own son has balked at the challenge. But please do just give some thought to how you will feel if things take a bad turn. And do what you can.

I hope my dh has not been made out to be the bad guy. He is a gentle, loving and supportive man. He does, however expect people to heed advice and accept help when it is offered. If you don't do that, he will leave you to your own devices. Even that sounds bad as I type. I think he comes to the situation like this: My MIL spent years caring for my FIL, complaining, lamenting and crying through it all. When we offered help, suggested more home care or senior companions to allow her respite care, she refused. She did however, continue to cry and lament her situation.

Now that FIL is gone, she says her life is over and I get the daily, crying phone calls about how she has nothing in her life. DH visits, has her here, brings the grandkids by, and still she maintains her life is finished. I think when I tell him about the visits and phone calls I have with her, he feels it is more of the same. I think he feels he is doing what he can but she doesn't respond. He's tried to help, she won't take it, so he's done listening. He continues to visit and include her, but he won't try to 'fix her.' Hope that backstory makes sense.

I don't know that there is much more I can do. As self serving as I know it sounds, I'd like to put an end to the circular conversations if she isn't going to receive my help and act on it. I don't know why SIL doesn't intervene more, but I can't make her. We are not close. Cordial relationship, but nothing even approaching friendship. No bad feelings, just not close.

 

[lovemygoofy]

It's not even been a year since the MIL lost pretty much her identity. She was so and so wife and his caregiver. She really isn't "needed" as a mother either and when those are the only titles you have for years and year, it is quite normal to feel like life is over.

Women in particular have this need to care on someone and show love. Yes, I know that she still has her children and grandchildren but this loss hasn't even been a year. You(generic you) can't force grief to go faster because it makes someone uncomfortable or because there is drama involved.

I hate to hear people say she is wallowing in it. They lady was known as Mrs. Lastname WIFE of whomever for my guess many many years. Now she is just Widow Lastname. That is quite the transition. I can imagine she is quite lonely and frankly at that age it is really difficult to make that transition especially after being a wife and caregiver and seeing the other half your heart die.

If she is in that bad of shape, I suggest sending a caregiver to her house. Just a simple person that will sit with her, make up simple meals and help her with house chores. It will also be some company.

Again, it hasn't even been a year since the loss of the husband and the change in her whole life. That's not the kind of process you can rush thing because it's uncomfortable for others.

 

[quandrea]

It's not even been a year since the MIL lost pretty much her identity. She was so and so wife and his caregiver. She really isn't "needed" as a mother either and when those are the only titles you have for years and year, it is quite normal to feel like life is over.

Women in particular have this need to care on someone and show love. Yes, I know that she still has her children and grandchildren but this loss hasn't even been a year. You(generic you) can't force grief to go faster because it makes someone uncomfortable or because there is drama involved.

I hate to hear people say she is wallowing in it. They lady was known as Mrs. Lastname WIFE of whomever for my guess many many years. Now she is just Widow Lastname. That is quite the transition. I can imagine she is quite lonely and frankly at that age it is really difficult to make that transition especially after being a wife and caregiver and seeing the other half your heart die.

If she is in that bad of shape, I suggest sending a caregiver to her house. Just a simple person that will sit with her, make up simple meals and help her with house chores. It will also be some company.

Again, it hasn't even been a year since the loss of the husband and the change in her whole life. That's not the kind of process you can rush thing because it's uncomfortable for others.

I have suggested this. She WILL NOT hear of it. If I sent someone, I have no doubt she would not let them in. I understand that she needs to redefine herself, but if she will not TAKE any of the help and suggestions offered, where does that leave us, as family members?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I hope my dh has not been made out to be the bad guy. He is a gentle, loving and supportive man. He does, however expect people to heed advice and accept help when it is offered. If you don't do that, he will leave you to your own devices. Even that sounds bad as I type. I think he comes to the situation like this: My MIL spent years caring for my FIL, complaining, lamenting and crying through it all. When we offered help, suggested more home care or senior companions to allow her respite care, she refused. She did however, continue to cry and lament her situation.

Now that FIL is gone, she says her life is over and I get the daily, crying phone calls about how she has nothing in her life. DH visits, has her here, brings the grandkids by, and still she maintains her life is finished. I think when I tell her about the visits and phone calls I have with her, he feels it is more of the same. I think he feels he is doing what he can but she doesn't respond. He's tried to help, she won't take it, so he's done listening. He continues to visit and include her, but he won't try to 'fix her.' Hope that backstory makes sense.

I don't know that there is much more I can do. As self serving as I know it sounds, I'd like to put an end to the circular conversations if she isn't going to receive my help and act on it. I don't know why SIL doesn't intervene more, but I can't make her. We are not close. Cordial relationship, but nothing even approaching friendship. No bad feelings, just not close.

So what you are describing is a OCD personality type plus grief and depression.

You have to understand there is nothing you can do or say that will change your MIL's life. Perhaps this is what you need to realize.

You have expressed your concerns with your dh. You could press him and ask him to go to the doctor with her to get her some help.

If he does not want to do that then you have to decide what you want to do going forward with your MIL.

My advice would be to scale back the crying phone calls, not eliminate them. I am not saying abandon her. I am saying give yourself a breather from the phone calls.

I live with people that are depressed and you MUST have a line in the sand when you are dealing with the mental issues of others. At some point you have to take inventory of your own mental health status because once you become sucked into their emotions your conversations can become toxic to her.

In other words, you get burnt out, then start giving her "empty advice" because you can't take it anymore.

At the very least I would recommend you read up on rumination to get an understanding of her behavior.

Distraction from the conversation is a good way to get her off a negative subject and onto a positive one. Instead of trying to to "fix her" instead distract her to more positive conversation.

 

[quandrea]

So what you are describing is a OCD personality type plus grief and depression.

You have to understand there is nothing you can do or say that will change your MIL's life. Perhaps this is what you need to realize.

You have expressed your concerns with your dh. You could press him and ask him to go to the doctor with her to get her some help.

If he does not want to do that then you have to decide what you want to do going forward with your MIL.

My advice would be to scale back the crying phone calls, not eliminate them. I am not saying abandon her. I am saying give yourself a breather from the phone calls.

I live with people that are depressed and you MUST have a line in the sand when you are dealing with the mental issues of others. At some point you have to take inventory of your own mental health status because once you become sucked into their emotions your conversations can become toxic to her.

In other words, you get burnt out, then start giving her "empty advice" because you can't take it anymore.

At the very least I would recommend you read up on rumination to get an understanding of her behavior.

Distraction from the conversation is a good way to get her off a negative subject and onto a positive one. Instead of trying to to "fix her" instead distract her to more positive conversation.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I was just talking about rumination with my sister yesterday. Time to take a small step back. Thank you.

 

[Stitchfans]

Chances are there will always be little things that will restart the mourning. No doubt some day it will ease up and not be so bad. My mom died in 2000 and I still on occasion think about her and cry. Then sometimes the memories make smile.

 

[hereyago]

I don't blame OP's husband for not wanting to get involved after reading how she was when the FIL was alive, she is still doing the same thing moaning and groaning refusing help because she likes to play the martyr. You cannot help someone who refuses to help themselves.

Having to lose a love one sucks, but her wanting the negative attention of woe is me was all ready in place. She has learned she can get attention even for something negative.

She calls several times a day? caller ID is your friend. Explain 1 time, I know you are upset but if you aren't going to anything to help yourself, I can't help you either. Don't answer every time she calls, when you do answer, she starts say you have to go.

 

[quandrea]

I don't blame OP's husband for not wanting to get involved after reading how she was when the FIL was alive, she is still doing the same thing moaning and groaning refusing help because she likes to play the martyr. You cannot help someone who refuses to help themselves.

Having to lose a love one sucks, but her wanting the negative attention of woe is me was all ready in place. She has learned she can get attention even for something negative.

She calls several times a day? caller ID is your friend. Explain 1 time, I know you are upset but if you aren't going to anything to help yourself, I can't help you either. Don't answer every time she calls, when you do answer, she starts say you have to go.

I think you are absolutely right. This is where I'm at with the situation. Yesterday when she was here she was cheery for the most part. When she and I were alone, I got the tears and wistful looks, etc. We are getting nowhere.

 

[Wishing on a star]

... This is where I'm at with the situation. Yesterday when she was here she was cheery for the most part. When she and I were alone, I got the tears and wistful looks, etc. We are getting nowhere.

Yes, I agree with the recent posts...

And, seeing what you have just described, given that you have repeated the above comment that you had tried to make once before here on the thread.... I believe I see a bit more than depression, etc... There is some real 'drama' involved here as well.

Hard to try to do the right thing without getting sucked in and pulled down by someone else's negative drama.

 

[quandrea]

Mil still doing poorly. Dh was there three times this week. She looks around her house, he says, with disgust at all that needs doing but won't let him get started with purging and renos.

I invited her to go to wdw with us at the end of march. Her own studio at animal kingdom kidani across the hall from us. Thought the nice weather and time with the grand kids would do her good. It's a no park trip, so nice and restful. I thought it would be a safe way to have an adventure.

She said no. Says she still needs time to be quiet. Says she doesn't want to burden us, ruin our trip. Well I tried. It's too bad. I think it may have been just what she needs.

 

[dazedx3]

That was very nice of you to invite her along on your vacation. Don't give up, just keep making attempts as often as you feel able to.

I'm very impressed with the fact that you keep trying even though you are feeling frustrated with the situation, that says a lot about what a caring person you are.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am so sorry!
It is hard when somebody is suffering, and needs the support and help, but can't seem to accept it, or even want to move forward....

My MIL (whose health is failing and is very, very, gravely ill, as we speak) did not go into the thro's of such a depression when FIL passed away. But, I can say that there is also no way that there would be any cleaning out, renovations/updates, etc... I am quite sure that this is something that she just could not begin to bring herself to bear.

My DH (and I) will have to deal with a good sized house, just packed with everythiing that they have ever owned, and cleaning and renovations, etc....

It's so hard.....

 

[quandrea]

Double post

 

[minkydog]

I am so sorry!
It is hard when somebody is suffering, and needs the support and help, but can't seem to accept it, or even want to move forward....

My MIL (whose health is failing and is very, very, gravely ill, as we speak) did not go into the thro's of such a depression when FIL passed away. But, I can say that there is also no way that there would be any cleaning out, renovations/updates, etc... I am quite sure that this is something that she just could not begin to bring herself to bear.

My DH (and I) will have to deal with a good sized house, just packed with everythiing that they have ever owned, and cleaning and renovations, etc....

It's so hard.....

My mother lost her husband 12 years ago. She STILL cannot get rid of anything he owned, touched or looked at. When I was there last month I found a double closet full of men's jeans and chambray workshirts, his signature outfit. There had to be over 35 pairs of work shoes. Mother says she's "been meaning to" take them somewhere, but she won't allow me to gather them up and take them. And this is after 12 YEARS! I would never expect someone who has lost a loved one, especially a widow or widower, to start giving things away and updating their home. It took my mom almost 10 years to take the guns down off the walls, and she had been complaining about them for 20 years before he died!