Help with grieving mil UPDATE FEB 17

[quandrea]

My mil lost my fil after a long illness last April. He was 84. Since his death she has sank deeper and deeper into a dark place. She can barely leave the house, does not see friends or socialize. We live four minutes away and she doesn't ever visit despite being invited. Just got off the phone with her and all she does is cry, complain how horrible life is, that she has nothing to do, the weather is awful, etc. she is 75 and in excellent health.

I've suggested joining church groups, seniors centred, travelling back to her home country for a visit. I've told her that she needs to try to choose happiness.

I understand the loss but feel the ever darkening mood is not normal. We are nearing the anniversary of the loss and I thought by now we'd be seeing some improvement.

To to it off she asks me not to tell my husband about any of this.

Any input?

 

[stsomewhere]

Everyone grieves differently. There is no "set" time for mourning. I did not understand true grief until my grandma died in Sept. I have had other loved ones pass away. But, my grandma's death hit me very hard. I was devastated. I would go through the motions but some days it would just hit me.

My grandpa has been telling me for the last 7 years that he is ready to die. All of his friends, siblings , parents, etc. have passed on. He has lived a long life and is ready to go. Since my grandma's death, he has been depressed, doesn't want to eat, socialize, etc He is under doctor's care.

My husband's grandma lost her husband 15 yrs ago. She still mourns his death, especially around major events. She lost her both her brothers within the last year and she tells me that she is ready to die.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My mil lost my fil after a long illness last April. He was 84. Since his death she has sank deeper and deeper into a dark place. She can barely leave the house, does not see friends or socialize. We live four minutes away and she doesn't ever visit despite being invited. Just got off the phone with her and all she does is cry, complain how horrible life is, that she has nothing to do, the weather is awful, etc. she is 75 and in excellent health.

I've suggested joining church groups, seniors centred, travelling back to her home country for a visit. I've told her that she needs to try to choose happiness.

I understand the loss but feel the ever darkening mood is not normal. We are nearing the anniversary of the loss and I thought by now we'd be seeing some improvement.

To to it off she asks me not to tell my husband about any of this.

Any input?

For starters I would not keep anything from my dh. Asking you to be her confidante in this situation does not help her or you.

I would expect grieving to be normal. She has to come around on her own terms.

Instead of inviting her over, you have to go over there. Someone who is depressed does need human contact and going over there with your dh would be a good thing esp. since she lives close. You have to make an effort to try something new.

How often does your dh visit her? I would certainly suggest to your dh your concerns and recommend to him that he go over there and visit more often.

Sorry for your loss. It can be really rough on people to accept the loss of their loved one and move forward.

 

[mickeyboat]

If she is depressed, and it sounds like she is, no amount of choosing happiness will bring her out of it. She needs to see her doctor, and you need to tell your DH so that he can help her get the help she needs.

I am sorry for your family's loss, and hope your MIL heals soon.

 

[HM]

I'm so sorry.
I've never dealt with this so I'm afraid I might not be much help.

I suspect she's put a lot of energy and herself into caring for him while he was sick. And now he's gone, she really doesn't know what to do with herself. She's forgotten what it's like to be on her own and have no plans.

One thought I had was to ask her what her husband would think if he saw how she was today. Would he be proud of her? Would he be sad to see her so unhappy? Ask her what he would say to her to help her. Have her think about herself in terms of how he saw her during their marriage and how she is now.

I expect he'd probably want her to be happy, to do things with her family and try to make the most of her days.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Maybe you should visit her more often instead of waiting for her to visit you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I totally agree with MM above....

And, also, while you believe her to be 'in good health', do not be surprised how quickly that can change, both mentally and physically, at this age, and due to grief, etc... She may be struggling physically and mentally and emotionally, more than you might realize.

Is this more recent that she has been breaking down during your private phone calls, etc. I am trying to understand how it is that your DH is not more aware of this. Are they not close? Is it a 'gender' thing?

I would speak with your husband, make an effort to spend more time dropping by... no pressure.... getting a better feel for her situation.

What would probably be the wrong thing to do is to be her confidante (enabler) and, even worse, to put pressure on her.. "Just go do this.. do that.. pull yourself out of it..." I believe that would be the wrong approach.

 

[quandrea]

Thanks for the replies. We do visit about once a week. Dh goes on his own more frequently to grab a quick coffee with her. She tells home none of this. She has never spoken to her sons about feelings. Just figured coming over in addition to our visits would get her out a bit.

She lives with my brother in law and also has an involved daughter.

I told her I cannot keep things from my husband.

I have asked her to talk to her doctor about how she is feeling. She won't.

I understAnd that these things take time but what worries me is she is getting worse. She says talking to me helps but I point out that it isn't improving things. I think she may need professional help.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If you are able to post here that you think that she might benefit from some help... I would be willing to almost assume that you are correct.

It does also sound like it could be a 'gender' thing...
To a woman like her, SHE, as the woman, is supposed to be the emotional and physical caregiver, she is the one who is the 'giver' and not to be a 'taker'... and men just aren't as involved in emotional things.

Would she allow you to accompany her to a general physical check-up and evaluation? I do think that physical things could be a factor here as well.

Does she have a doctor who might be helpful at addressing this kind of thing, or could you maybe seek one out?

 

[quandrea]

If you are able to post here that you think that she might benefit from some help... I would be willing to almost assume that you are correct.

It does also sound like it could be a 'gender' thing...
To a woman like her, SHE, as the woman, is supposed to be the emotional and physical caregiver, she is the one who is the 'giver' and not to be a 'taker'... and men just aren't as involved in emotional things.

Would she allow you to accompany her to a general physical check-up and evaluation? I do think that physical things could be a factor here as well.

Does she have a doctor who might be helpful at addressing this kind of thing, or could you maybe seek one out?

I don't know that I'd feel comfortable going to the doctor with her. Perhaps my sister in law could take the lead on that. Her daughter. I don't know how much of all this she tells her daughter. My sense is very little but I think it's time things are brought to the forefront.

 

[Disneychick75]

Tell your husband and talk to your sister-in-law. You don't want SIL to get upset and feel that you are usurping her position with her mom.

I can tell you from my experience that if someone doesn't want to get over their depression, there's nothing you can do. My brother died in 1990 and since then my mother's job in life is to mourn.

 

[seven dwarfs]

Is there a way to find out if there are any support groups in your area? It would be good to find one with her age group that has also lost a spouse. I have several clients who have found this to be very beneficial. Knowing you are not alone and being with people who have been through it seems to help with the broken heart syndrome.

No one really knows until....and even then you only know your shoes. Maybe if she is not comfortable going alone, someone could go with her the first couple of times.

If you are interested, research the broken heart syndrome. Very interesting. Johns Hopkins has some study's they have done on this. There is also a documentary on MPT you can watch online.

I hope she is able to find some peace. It is hard to watch someone you love in pain and not be able to help them. I think it is nice for you to have concern for her.

 

[quandrea]

Tell your husband and talk to your sister-in-law. You don't want SIL to get upset and feel that you are usurping her position with her mom.

I can tell you from my experience that if someone doesn't want to get over their depression, there's nothing you can do. My brother died in 1990 and since then my mother's job in life is to mourn.

I agree with you. I always feel that I am just a daughter in law and need to tread carefully. How do you deal with your mother always mourning your brother. I feel as though I have the same conversation over and over with my mil and we never make any headway in her healing. It's very frustrating.

Is there a way to find out if there are any support groups in your area? It would be good to find one with her age group that has also lost a spouse. I have several clients who have found this to be very beneficial. Knowing you are not alone and being with people who have been through it seems to help with the broken heart syndrome.

No one really knows until....and even then you only know your shoes. Maybe if she is not comfortable going alone, someone could go with her the first couple of times.

If you are interested, research the broken heart syndrome. Very interesting. Johns Hopkins has some study's they have done on this. There is also a documentary on MPT you can watch online.

I hope she is able to find some peace. It is hard to watch someone you love in pain and not be able to help them. I think it is nice for you to have concern for her.

She was invited to a support group for widows but won't go. I will take a look at broken heart syndrome.

 

[mamajo]

I can relate. My own DM is going through this too. Dad's been gone just 4 years and she is sinking fast. I did have a talk with her at Christmas about her seeming depression and she just got angry. I told her to go see her doctor and he did put her on something-- she's not happy about that either. Blames me somehow but right now she can't see the forest for the trees so I don't really care if she's mad at me. Maybe have you and your DH talk with her in a comfortable setting, express your concerns and offer to call the doctor for her?
Hope it gets better for her. First year is very hard.

 

[powellrj]

You can't invite her to things, you have to actually go and take her yourself. Without going into details, I know what your DMIL is going through.

People can invite you to all kinds of things, but unless they go and get her, she will always have a reason not to go. Once you get in that place, it becomes easier to just say no than to have to do what is needed to leave.

If you want her to go to meetings and get out with people, you will have to make the plans and pick her up and go with her or she will always have an out.

 

[quandrea]

You can't invite her to things, you have to actually go and take her yourself. Without going into details, I know what your DMIL is going through.

People can invite you to all kinds of things, but unless they go and get her, she will always have a reason not to go. Once you get in that place, it becomes easier to just say no than to have to do what is needed to leave.

If you want her to go to meetings and get out with people, you will have to make the plans and pick her up and go with her or she will always have an out.

I think this is my definitive answer. As a daughter in law I am not willing to take that on. Just not comfortable. I guess dh and his siblings have some work ahead of them.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I totally understand...
Believe me... Not only am I 'just an inlaw'... But I am the hated and maligned person who just has had NO right to exist, as this means that they are not the complete and total one-and-only of their only son. There is no love lost between myself and my MIL.

However, she is calling you and is unloading this on you, where she does not seem to be comfortable doing this with her own family. Could be lots of different dynamics and issues with that????

Anyhow, she is doing this for a reason.
Really... Don't underestimate that.
I don't know if she would more receptive to you for some reason.
But even if she were, also do not underestimate the position that you will be putting yourself in with the rest of her family if you were to try to take the lead. My guess is that it wouldn't be pretty...

While it may not be appropriate for you to take any steps to try to help her personally... I would start by talking to my husband and figuring out a way to make everybody aware of this, and to decide if there is anything that they might be able to do to make the situation better.

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS: Yes, I believe that Powellrj is completely correct... When somebody is at their weakest point, yes, somebody else, logistically, making things happen (picking her up...etc...) would be very important.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

If she is depressed, and it sounds like she is, no amount of choosing happiness will bring her out of it. She needs to see her doctor, and you need to tell your DH so that he can help her get the help she needs.

+1 A combination of medication and short term counseling could help a lot. It is not uncommon after such a loss, or even when diagnosed with a serious illness, etc.

There was a similar thread last week too, may have more info for you. http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=3230371&referrerid=70088

 

[Kerrio929]

My grandmother went through the exact same thing after my grandfather died. She lived for 12 years after he passed and she was never the same person again. She was put on anti depressants and they helped some but she never fully recovered from the loss. She said all of the activities we tried to engage her in reminded her of my grandfather. We as a family struggled with her depression. I hope your mil is able to come back to the person she once was. Hugs