Help with grieving mil UPDATE FEB 17

[scrapquitler]

My mil lost my fil after a long illness last April. He was 84. Since his death she has sank deeper and deeper into a dark place. She can barely leave the house, does not see friends or socialize. We live four minutes away and she doesn't ever visit despite being invited. Just got off the phone with her and all she does is cry, complain how horrible life is, that she has nothing to do, the weather is awful, etc. she is 75 and in excellent health.

I've suggested joining church groups, seniors centred, travelling back to her home country for a visit. I've told her that she needs to try to choose happiness.

I understand the loss but feel the ever darkening mood is not normal. We are nearing the anniversary of the loss and I thought by now we'd be seeing some improvement.

To to it off she asks me not to tell my husband about any of this.

Any input?

Maybe she needs a bit of counseling or a grief support group? Will she let you go with her to an appointment with her MD? Maybe her MD could make some suggestions (even a mild antidepressant to get her over the hump so she can start to recover?). If I were in your shoes, I would definitely be talking to my husband about it.

 

[quandrea]

Well dh got MIL to come over for a visit this morning. She got a chance to see the grandkids.

I told dh again about all she is saying to me with every conversation. He says he is not going to micromanage a 75 year old woman. I told him I am done offering advice.

I figure at this point I have done my part. I am not willing to listen to this on an almost daily basis. It brings me down too.

I am going to leave arrangements to my dh. I don't think our relationship with his family is my responsibility. We will see her when he arranges it, I suppose and if they as kids are not willing to respond to all this, it's not up to me to do anything.

The thing I resent though, is being on the receiving end of all this. Don't know how to stop that, short of not taking her phone calls and seeing her by myself, as she only discusses it all when her kids are not present.

Feeling a bit aggravated by it all....

 

[Wishing on a star]

What an update...
I am sorry that you are finding yourself in the middle of this situation!!!
You have made the effort to speak with your husband, and right now, that is probably all you can and should do.

I do think that there is some reason why she has been trying to vent and reach out to you, while her own kids seem to be kind of no able to engage with any direct assertive involvement. It would appear that there is some real 'drama' going on.

I do fully and totally agree that your husband should be responsible for his relationship with his family...

Maybe, sometimes, the family dynamic is such that it is hardest when it is your own mother, that there might have been some underlying back-issues.

Maybe, at some point, if it comes down to it, he and his family would want you to try to take steps to help, with their blessings....

 

[Disneychick75]

Well dh got MIL to come over for a visit this morning. She got a chance to see the grandkids.

I told dh again about all she is saying to me with every conversation. He says he is not going to micromanage a 75 year old woman. I told him I am done offering advice.

I figure at this point I have done my part. I am not willing to listen to this on an almost daily basis. It brings me down too.

I am going to leave arrangements to my dh. I don't think our relationship with his family is my responsibility. We will see her when he arranges it, I suppose and if they as kids are not willing to respond to all this, it's not up to me to do anything.

The thing I resent though, is being on the receiving end of all this. Don't know how to stop that, short of not taking her phone calls and seeing her by myself, as she only discusses it all when her kids are not present.

Feeling a bit aggravated by it all....

Tell your mother-in-law that it upsets you to hear and see that she is depressed and that you cannot handle it anymore. She will have to talk to either your husband, your sister-in-law, or both of them but you're out of it.
If she continues to call and share after this, don't take her calls.

Your husband either thinks she's being a drama queen or he doesn't want to be bothered. Regardless, you've done your part.

 

[luvsJack]

How very sad that a depressed woman that feels alone in life is reaching out to someone and they just want to pass it on.

This may not be your mother but your husband obviously doesn't want to be bothered so how about reaching back out to her? Pick her up and take her for a beauty day or shopping or out for lunch. If she won't go to the support group, go get her and tell her "Come on, we will just try it and see" Get her there.

If her loving children won't take her to the doctor, then go with her and talk to the doctor about what is going on.

For years after my Dad died, my mom went through depression and anxiety. She would go to the doctor but wouldn't really tell her what was going on. It wasn't easy to take the reigns and tell the doctor myself but you do what is best for this other human being. Mom was but on anxiety meds and anti-depressants. She got active in her church again and started getting out with her sisters, and that helped a lot.

If her daughter doesn't know, tell her today. If she won't take action, the do it yourself.

I just don't get the "oh well, not my problem, I did my part". This is the woman that gave birth to your husband. If he can't be the son that takes care of her then someone has to do it.

I can promise you this, if dh EVER chose not to do something for his mom when she needed him---well, hell hath no fury like what he would experience.

 

[Tuffcookie]

How very sad that a depressed woman that feels alone in life is reaching out to someone and they just want to pass it on.

This may not be your mother but your husband obviously doesn't want to be bothered so how about reaching back out to her? Pick her up and take her for a beauty day or shopping or out for lunch. If she won't go to the support group, go get her and tell her "Come on, we will just try it and see" Get her there.

If her loving children won't take her to the doctor, then go with her and talk to the doctor about what is going on.

For years after my Dad died, my mom went through depression and anxiety. She would go to the doctor but wouldn't really tell her what was going on. It wasn't easy to take the reigns and tell the doctor myself but you do what is best for this other human being. Mom was but on anxiety meds and anti-depressants. She got active in her church again and started getting out with her sisters, and that helped a lot.

If her daughter doesn't know, tell her today. If she won't take action, the do it yourself.

I just don't get the "oh well, not my problem, I did my part". This is the woman that gave birth to your husband. If he can't be the son that takes care of her then someone has to do it.

I can promise you this, if dh EVER chose not to do something for his mom when she needed him---well, hell hath no fury like what he would experience.

I totally agree with this!

This is not some friend or acquaintance. This is your DM/DMIL., FGS (for God's sake) Do not just leave her in her depression. Does she have a pet? Sometimes pets are good for the elderly. It gives them something to take care of and gives them a purpose for getting up.

TC

 

[Laura66]

How very sad that a depressed woman that feels alone in life is reaching out to someone and they just want to pass it on.

This may not be your mother but your husband obviously doesn't want to be bothered so how about reaching back out to her? Pick her up and take her for a beauty day or shopping or out for lunch. If she won't go to the support group, go get her and tell her "Come on, we will just try it and see" Get her there.

If her loving children won't take her to the doctor, then go with her and talk to the doctor about what is going on.

For years after my Dad died, my mom went through depression and anxiety. She would go to the doctor but wouldn't really tell her what was going on. It wasn't easy to take the reigns and tell the doctor myself but you do what is best for this other human being. Mom was but on anxiety meds and anti-depressants. She got active in her church again and started getting out with her sisters, and that helped a lot.

If her daughter doesn't know, tell her today. If she won't take action, the do it yourself.

I just don't get the "oh well, not my problem, I did my part". This is the woman that gave birth to your husband. If he can't be the son that takes care of her then someone has to do it.

I can promise you this, if dh EVER chose not to do something for his mom when she needed him---well, hell hath no fury like what he would experience.

I don't always agree with you - you are spot on here!
I'm just shocked at the oh well not my problem/not my mother.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Interesting update.

For starters you should not be offering her advice anyway.

If she asks your opinion on something you say "I don't know what to say to that, I don't know, I am not sure, etc.. What do you think YOU should do?" (Lather, rinse, repeat.)

Number two if she is "venting" to you daily, you need to put the kibosh on that.

I would take her calls twice a week at most for now. You need a break from her and vice versa. The longer you allow her to vent to you daily the less likely she is able to speak with her family and resolve her own issues.

Often most of my "advice" is "how are you going to handle that". I don't offer "solutions" to things that are just "venting" with my own mother who is also 75.

 

[Disneychick75]

How very sad that a depressed woman that feels alone in life is reaching out to someone and they just want to pass it on.

This may not be your mother but your husband obviously doesn't want to be bothered so how about reaching back out to her? Pick her up and take her for a beauty day or shopping or out for lunch. If she won't go to the support group, go get her and tell her "Come on, we will just try it and see" Get her there.

If her loving children won't take her to the doctor, then go with her and talk to the doctor about what is going on.

For years after my Dad died, my mom went through depression and anxiety. She would go to the doctor but wouldn't really tell her what was going on. It wasn't easy to take the reigns and tell the doctor myself but you do what is best for this other human being. Mom was but on anxiety meds and anti-depressants. She got active in her church again and started getting out with her sisters, and that helped a lot.

If her daughter doesn't know, tell her today. If she won't take action, the do it yourself.

I just don't get the "oh well, not my problem, I did my part". This is the woman that gave birth to your husband. If he can't be the son that takes care of her then someone has to do it.

I can promise you this, if dh EVER chose not to do something for his mom when she needed him---well, hell hath no fury like what he would experience.

MIL does not want to go for help according to the OP. There is only so much you can do for someone who won't help themselves. Instead of the OP being able to uplift her MIL, MIL is dragging OP down. It won't do a bit of good for the OP to get depressed. MIL reminds me of my mother who has made it her life's work to mourn my brother who died in 1990. My brothers and I were all dreadfully upset when he died. We miss him but we have moved on and continued with our lives. For a while she was on anti depressants and did fine, however, she prefers to be the chief mourner so she got off of her medication. We were worried but came to the decision that if she chooses to be, in her own mind, the object of pity, then she can be sad the rest of her life. No matter what we suggested-join a club, go to the gym, get back on her medication, she says no. You cannot force someone to help themselves.

My MIL lost 2 sons and her husband w/in an 8 year span. She was feeling depressed. Instead of "poor me", she went to the doctor and got on an anti depressant. She's doing very well. MIL is 89 and goes shopping, out to lunch or dinner, sees plays, etc. Her life did not end because she made the decision to help herself.

 

[shortbun]

My mil lost my fil after a long illness last April. He was 84. Since his death she has sank deeper and deeper into a dark place. She can barely leave the house, does not see friends or socialize. We live four minutes away and she doesn't ever visit despite being invited. Just got off the phone with her and all she does is cry, complain how horrible life is, that she has nothing to do, the weather is awful, etc. she is 75 and in excellent health.

I've suggested joining church groups, seniors centred, travelling back to her home country for a visit. I've told her that she needs to try to choose happiness.

I understand the loss but feel the ever darkening mood is not normal. We are nearing the anniversary of the loss and I thought by now we'd be seeing some improvement.

To to it off she asks me not to tell my husband about any of this.

Any input?

How does your husband not know his mother is in trouble?
Why haven't you talked to him about it before now?
The two of you go over there, take flowers, open her curtains, put on some music, make her dinner and stay for a while. Is she cleaning, eating, bathing? Ignoring these problems is dangerous. Get your husband up to speed today! Do something today. She will never feel good about losing her husband but she needs to live her life. Buy her something new. Take her shopping IF she's liked to shop in the past. Turn lights on. Bake cookies in her oven or a pie. Surround her with life and light.

Just read your update: How are you not part of that family? How long have you been married? How is this not your responsibility? She's a human being in trouble and you are a human being who can help. Stop calling her to listen to the same things. Stop by; take your children there. Take dinner there. Good grief, I can not believe all the people encouraging you to abandon her. She's your MIL and she IS part of your family.

 

[quandrea]

How does your husband not know his mother is in trouble?
Why haven't you talked to him about it before now?
The two of you go over there, take flowers, open her curtains, put on some music, make her dinner and stay for a while. Is she cleaning, eating, bathing? Ignoring these problems is dangerous. Get your husband up to speed today! Do something today. She will never feel good about losing her husband but she needs to live her life. Buy her something new. Take her shopping IF she's liked to shop in the past. Turn lights on. Bake cookies in her oven or a pie. Surround her with life and light.

We've done all this and I have kept my dh up to speed on this. I tell him every time she talks to me. She has a very involved family. My dh visits but nothing of substance is said. They don't seem able to go there as son and mother. None of it makes any difference. Maybe dh knows deep down that she won't heed his advice or take his help. He has little patience for that kind of behaviour.

As for turning my back on her when she reaches out. I don't feel close enough to her to take her out, go to the md with her. I know if I did any of those things my SIL wily be very put out. I don't know why she doesn't confide in her own kids and I wish itwere not put on me as I feel I am not the person to assist her.

If she were my own mother I'd be more than willing to take the lead. I really feel it is not my place.

 

[shortbun]

Interesting update.

For starters you should not be offering her advice anyway.

If she asks your opinion on something you say "I don't know what to say to that, I don't know, I am not sure, etc.. What do you think YOU should do?" (Lather, rinse, repeat.)

Number two if she is "venting" to you daily, you need to put the kibosh on that.

I would take her calls twice a week at most for now. You need a break from her and vice versa. The longer you allow her to vent to you daily the less likely she is able to speak with her family and resolve her own issues.

Often most of my "advice" is "how are you going to handle that". I don't offer "solutions" to things that are just "venting" with my own mother who is also 75.

Oh, I SO disagree with this!!! We, as human beings, are responsible for each other. The OP is a part of this woman's family. She's married to her son and is raising her grandchildren. This is not some stranger who's somehow wedged herself into the OP's life. Why is everyone being so negative? The world is at war because we are not operating as empathetic people. For goodness sake. I am not only directing this at you TMM, it's the whole thread encouraging her to abandon her MIL who lives 4 blocks away....not that much of an effort to stop over or take a meal. In my family, we take care of each other when we are hurt or having mental health issues.

 

[shortbun]

We've done all this and I have kept my dh up to speed on this. I tell him every time she talks to me. She has a very involved family. My dh visits but nothing of substance is said. They don't seem able to go there as son and mother. None of it makes any difference. Maybe dh knows deep down that she won't heed his advice or take his help. He has little patience for that kind of behaviour.

As for turning my back on her when she reaches out. I don't feel close enough to her to take her out, go to the md with her. I know if I did any of those things my SIL wily be very put out. I don't know why she doesn't confide in her own kids and I wish itwere not put on me as I feel I am not the person to assist her.

If she were my own mother I'd be more than willing to take the lead. I really feel it is not my place.

How long have you been married? Have you talked to your SIL? Your MIL is reaching out to you for a reason. Maybe she knows her children won't help. You keep talking like you're a victim of this family, your family. If you don't know them, get to know them. It takes more than a year to get back on your feet after the death of a spouse, unless you hate them after all those years. Obviously, she loved her husband. Yours needs to step up. Is there some reason he's not able to do it? This is the man you may need to take care of you some day. Pay attention.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Quandrea, she is reaching out to you because she feels comfortable and safe talking to you. That is quite a compliment to you, actually.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am not quite sure that she is truly 'reaching out'.
I think I am seeing quite a bit of calculated emotional drama here.

After reading further posts and updates, there seem to be some issues here within the family... I would begin to imagine that there has been enough drama and issues before, that these family members are well aware of it, and know when to just step back.

The OP has mentioned this to her husband....
The MIL's family, other than the OP's husband, seem to be involved.
Nobody has been abandoned.

And, no matter what... blood IS thicker than water.

The OP has expressed concern.
She has talked with her husband.

It is simply not appropriate to expect her, alone, to go marching in there and take responsibility for somebody else's happiness.
Not at all, in any way shape or form.

And, it certainly is not the place of anyone here, who is not truly familiar with the OP's situation and the family dynamics, to start throwing judgments the OP's way.

She has not, and is not, 'abandoning' anyone....

 

[quandrea]

Quandrea, she is reaching out to you because she feels comfortable and safe talking to you. That is quite a compliment to you, actually.

I know it's a compliment. I just can't help believing in my gut that it is not my place to take the lead on helping her with this. I truly think I would be out of bounds and would irreparably damage my relationship with my SIL.

I am not quite sure that she is truly 'reaching out'.
I think I am seeing quite a bit of calculated emotional drama here.

After reading further posts and updiates, there seem to be some issues here within the family... I would begin to imagine that there has been enough drama and issues before, that these family members are well aware of it, and know when to just step back.

The OP has mentioned this to her husband....
The MIL's family, other than the OP's husband, seem to be involved.
Nobody has been abandoned.

And, no matter what... blood IS thicker than water.

The OP has expressed concern.
She has talked with her husband.

It is simply not appropriate to expect her, alone, to go marching in there and take responsibility for somebody else's happiness.
Not at all, in any way shape or form.

And, it certainly is not the place of anyone here, who is not truly familiar with the OP's situation and the family dynamics, to start throwing judgments the OP's way.

She has not, and is not, 'abandoning' anyone....

Thanks for the moral support. I don't think she is abandoned. She has a daughter who calls daily and visits once a week like clockwork. My brother in law lives with her and my dh sees her weekly at least and calls two to three times a week. She chooses for reasons beyond me not to talk to them. I think she puts me in a tough spot by confiding in me. There isn't much I can do with the information.

She would never take a meal from me. She won't come over here to eat. Today when she visited, she wouldn't even sit down, let alone take a cup of tea or a cookie.

At this point I think all the black and negative talk is getting us no where talking to me isn't helping, she won't talk to her kids and I've told my hubby. I'd just like to stop discussing it with her as it is not productive. I don't see a way of ending these circular conversations.

I was thinking today about a study I read about where they discovered that women talking about a problem or upset over and over just perpetuated and even worsened the trauma. I think that's where we are at. There comes a time where unless you are willing to work at improving something, talking about it no longer helps.

Ironically maybe I too am talking this to death and should move on.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh, I SO disagree with this!!! We, as human beings, are responsible for each other. The OP is a part of this woman's family. She's married to her son and is raising her grandchildren. This is not some stranger who's somehow wedged herself into the OP's life. Why is everyone being so negative? The world is at war because we are not operating as empathetic people. For goodness sake. I am not only directing this at you TMM, it's the whole thread encouraging her to abandon her MIL who lives 4 blocks away....not that much of an effort to stop over or take a meal. In my family, we take care of each other when we are hurt or having mental health issues.

The problem here is that allowing her MIL to continually dump on her is not healthy for the MIL or the OP.

I never said abandon her MIL, just change a bit of the conversation and frequency for a bit of a breather.

 

[dazedx3]

I realize how trying it can be to listen to the same sad stories over and over. Maybe she is just venting to someone she sees as accepting and she doesn't want to burden her children.
A long time ago I spoke to a therapist after a terrible trauma in my life, she told me something that has always stayed with me. She said that often times, people need to tell their story many,many times before they can move on. It can be to the same person or many different people. It is their way of healing.
Maybe, you are her way of healing.

 

[quandrea]

I realize how trying it can be to listen to the same sad stories over and over. Maybe she is just venting to someone she sees as accepting and she doesn't want to burden her children.
A long time ago I spoke to a therapist after a terrible trauma in my life, she told me something that has always stayed with me. She said that often times, people need to tell their story many,many times before they can move on. It can be to the same person or many different people. It is their way of healing.
Maybe, you are her way of healing.

Good point.

 

[Wishing on a star]

But, is she 'telling her story'... or is she wallowing and complaining and creating emotional drama. I think there is a difference.

I am not so sure that "my life today is dark and black and sad and horrid' is the same as telling ones stories.

From the original post:

... all she does is cry, complain how horrible life is, that she has nothing to do, the weather is awful, etc.

To me, I am not so sure that this is talking one's way thru healing.
It does sound more like digging a deeper pit of darkness and self-pity.

As the OP has expresssed concern about.