Help settle an argument...

[Briarmom]

A marriage should be a partnership. While I've never done any work with a marriage partnership, I've done tons of work with business partnerships and I've seen business partnerships failing over and over again for the exact same reason - People forget what their partner is bringing to the table.
When they forget what their partner is bringing, they start to feel taken advantage of, and the resentment builds up until they can't work together anymore.
I've never been a SAHM, so for DH and I it's always been easy. We both work, we both keep the house and kids together so therefore what we bring to the relationship is pretty comparable.
When you divide the duties between a couple, where one goes out to work and one stays home you have to work extra hard to remember what the other person is bringing to the table. Maybe for your DH, he see's himself working a lot of hours, brings home the paycheck, just to be told that he has to sort his own socks, can't sleep in because of all the noise, and has to turn up the TV just so it can be heard.
For the OP, she see's where she does all the stuff for the house (inside and out) all the running around with the kids, going to school, just to be told that she has to tiptoe around DH whenever he's home so he can have peace and quiet in his castle, and besides - who's offering to take over morning details so SHE can sleep in now and then?
Honestly, there's no right or wrong in the argument, you guys are going to have to figure out where the compromise is, but when figuring out the compromise - remember that BOTH of you have to work hard to see what the other person is bringing to the relationship.

Agreed.
I'm pretty surprised by all the posts on this thread!

 

[taximomfor4]

op, good luck on your finals, and with your talk with dh. From one SAHM (until I FINALLY find employment) to another, it's hard to see the other side. For sure. I'm not sure which came first, the chicken or the egg (did your dh acting like this START the trouble, or was it the REACTION to some situation or other)...but I hope you get it all communicated and sorted out.

If it helps, I will share that DH and I barely (BARELY) limped through my college degree. He worked days, I went to school evenings with clinicals Saturdays and Sundays. And not all the kids were in school yet. It's taking a long time to come out of it, but we are making progress.

Keep your chin up!

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Because I wanted to get other opinions. It's odd though, I am REALLY REALLY suprised by the answers. I will have to think about it. I 100% run this household, but I run it my way. Since I run the household, this is the way it works. You are not a bachelor, you cannot expect the house to quiet after 7:30am. You have a family, in 12 years all the kids will be 18 and you can enjoy your nice, quiet house then. I can see a migraine or extenuating circumstances (worked until midnight or later) that I get and we would be quiet to accomodate that. But otherwise..nope..that's life as a family man. Business as usual here.

And that, folks, is a problem! How can you not see that?

I see it. She doesn't want him to help because she is afraid he is going to do it wrong. But then she gets mad when he doesn't help.

The guy is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. I don't blame him for sleeping in. If he doesn't do things exactly her way, he is in trouble. If he sleeps in he is in trouble. If you are going to be in trouble no matter what, might as well get that extra sleep.

OP, if you want your husband to help out more, you have to let him run the household his way when he is helping.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Ok, I am back for a bit before I have to pick up the kids from school and take my 9 year old to physical therapy. To answer a few questions:

I sent him a text because that's his preferred method of communication during the workday. He doesn't like phone calls unless it's an emergency, and after reading the responses I felt like I should say/do something before the end of the work day. BTW, he didn't respond to that BUT I did talk to him about one point and all seemed fine- it was a quick call because he needed me to look up something.

He does normally go to work between 5-8am, yes. Just varies depending on business level that day.

As for the sleeping all day part...that could happen, like I said, he takes days off during the week when we are gone, so he is free to do as he wishes because the rest of us are gone. I reign in my inner crabby lady (stolen idea from the other thread ) and don't drop hints about my broken garbage disposal, diswasher and cabinet brackets that need fixed..and hope that he will get to them someday. He normally just watches tv (and he does have earphones already, he watches a lot of streamed netflix, thanks for the suggestion though.)

I am actually thinking of asking him when he gets home- and saying that I feel bad that he feels unappreciated and he is missing sleep, and wondering if we can work out a compromise. I like the idea of one for one- that's great, he gets up on one of his days off and gets the kids up and off to school. I will use that day for my "me" time, and then the other day, I will keep the kids quiet so he can sleep in. My first guess is that will be a lot of work, and he will say no way. Can't blame him for that..he can sleep all day while we are at work/school (at least till summer) why go through all that work just to gain an hour in the morning.

Not to bash him or anything..it just takes longer to get the kids up and out than for average families, my middle dd is temporarily handicapped so we have to help her to her class since she is unable to carry her own backpack because of her walker. So it's not like..kick the kids out of the car in the carpool line and keep driving. We have to park, drag out her walker and all her crap, sign in at the office walk her back..unload her stuff, etc..the other kids are fine, they just go to their classes as usual it's just trickier with my 9 year old for the time being. I will be soooooooooooo happy when the day comes when she can carry a backpack again...she broke her femur back in October and she is healing but her limp is still pronounced enough that walking is still a struggle so she uses a walker.

So yeah..I think that will end the "you don't appreciate me" battle real quick if he is faced with the task of getting the kids up and dragging them out the door on a regular basis to get them to school.

And to be fair..he does have a trial run of it this Thursday..I have my first final at 8:30am sharp and can't be late. He did take that day as one of his days off to get the kids off to school, and after seeing what I go through he may realize that asking for it all to be done quietly is a kind of tall order. We'll see. Or maybe he will be all..I did it and it was fine..who knows?

I do love the guy but I think he can be a little bullheaded. Or maybe I am the one bullheaded (as so many people are saying) I know it can be tricky!!!

This post rang a bell.

Don't you put your car in the handicap spot early and then walk home for your "me" time. http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2330373

Got to hand it to you. Your vision of what should be done your way so as to not inconvenience you is absolutely brilliant. Husband be damned, handicapped people be damned, we are going to do it my way. Love it!

 

[tink_n_pooh]

Sounds like you really need to find a compromise. I get aggravated by a loud house as well, seems like once one person gest loud everyone gets louder and louder and no one realizes that they are screaming, drives me nuts

 

[Tink888]

Either I mis-spoke or you mis-read, but the latest he is usually home is 9pm. He is a salaried manager so his schedule varies, normally he is home between 6-8. Sometimes 9, less than once a month later than 9pm. He does work a lot, usually 70 hours a week, but that's not uncommon anymore with salaried managers. He takes his days off during the week, so luckily if he wanted to he could sleep or watch tv most of the day when the rest of us are gone.

But her day doesn't end until well after that, kwim? Of course he should get a free day but so should she. The way the OP reads it sounds like her DH does not interact with the family much. I guess this is where I'm having my issue and maybe I'm biased because I see that with my BIL, he has NO interaction with his kids. It's Daddy's sleeping don't bug him. As I mentioned before my DH is gone 14hrs out of the day but he stays up to play with the kids when he's on nights and gets up early to spend time with them. I absolutely think he deserves a break but he thinks I deserve one to. We work it out so we each get what we need.

It seems like with the hours he works, outside of work and sleep, there really isn't much time for anything else.....not necessarily by his choice but just by the amount of hours in the day.

Another thought...OP, if you don't believe in Indoor Voices as a general, sweeping rule, can you discuss with your dh what appropriate "Quiet hours" would be? Doing a quick bit of math, and a little info from your pp's:

Your dh works 70 hours a week, and has 2 days off.

In his 5-day work week: 120 hours total
-70 working
-40 sleeping (8 hrs/night)
_____
10 hours (2 hours per day not working or sleeping)

It isn't a lot of time with you guys. I can see why you might be hurt/disappointed/frustrated when he wants quiet and TV time! I also can see why he's not got a lot left for you guys.

I'm not making a point, really, just thinking out loud (typing, lol)

Funny, I had just added all this up too right before I came to your post.

A marriage should be a partnership. While I've never done any work with a marriage partnership, I've done tons of work with business partnerships and I've seen business partnerships failing over and over again for the exact same reason - People forget what their partner is bringing to the table.
When they forget what their partner is bringing, they start to feel taken advantage of, and the resentment builds up until they can't work together anymore.
I've never been a SAHM, so for DH and I it's always been easy. We both work, we both keep the house and kids together so therefore what we bring to the relationship is pretty comparable.
When you divide the duties between a couple, where one goes out to work and one stays home you have to work extra hard to remember what the other person is bringing to the table. Maybe for your DH, he see's himself working a lot of hours, brings home the paycheck, just to be told that he has to sort his own socks, can't sleep in because of all the noise, and has to turn up the TV just so it can be heard.
For the OP, she see's where she does all the stuff for the house (inside and out) all the running around with the kids, going to school, just to be told that she has to tiptoe around DH whenever he's home so he can have peace and quiet in his castle, and besides - who's offering to take over morning details so SHE can sleep in now and then?
Honestly, there's no right or wrong in the argument, you guys are going to have to figure out where the compromise is, but when figuring out the compromise - remember that BOTH of you have to work hard to see what the other person is bringing to the relationship.

Great post and food for thought.

OP, I've been on both sides. I've worked full-time and I've been a SAHM and also taken classes. No question you both are busy but the more I read through the thread, the more I kind of feel bad for your hubby.

Best advice I can offer is compromise and you both really need to think long and hard about what each of you brings to the table as the other poster said. And somewhere, in all that daily chaos, instead of his "me" time and your "me" time, make some "we" time.

 

[marlynnp]

I can totally see why he wants to get out of bed and spend time with you!

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

i think the volume in your house depends on your preference. my DH is a loud talker, as is the rest of his family, but myself and my family are not. so i would probably feel similar to your husband, OP. plus i have really sensitive hearing, and sometimes sounds are amplified to me more than other people. sometimes i even have to bring ear plugs to the movies because i find it too loud.

the thing about him sleeping in tho....i would expect people to be quiet if i had only one or two days a week to sleep in, too. that's just common courtsey imo. it's that hard to walk up the flight of stairs and just TALK to the kids and say "come on guys" instead of yelling up the stairs??

he can organize his own socks tho....lol

 

[PaulaSB12]

Either I mis-spoke or you mis-read, but the latest he is usually home is 9pm. He is a salaried manager so his schedule varies, normally he is home between 6-8. Sometimes 9, less than once a month later than 9pm. He does work a lot, usually 70 hours a week, but that's not uncommon anymore with salaried managers. He takes his days off during the week, so luckily if he wanted to he could sleep or watch tv most of the day when the rest of us are gone.

Is your husband working 5 or 6 days a week? At an average of 70 hours he is working 12 to 14 hours a day. No wonder he needs rest on his days off but this is something you are deliberatly stopping because you don't want it. From the way you are talkikng you like being a stay at home mum but resent the person making it possible. How old are you children? are they at school? If so why not take a part time job so your husband doesn't need to work so much and maybe he might be awake enough to enjoy life with and without his family.

 

[ajk912]

This post rang a bell.

Don't you put your car in the handicap spot early and then walk home for your "me" time. http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2330373

Got to hand it to you. Your vision of what should be done your way so as to not inconvenience you is absolutely brilliant. Husband be damned, handicapped people be damned, we are going to do it my way. Love it!

Oh, boy, talk about a flashback. I remember being so frustrated to be learning how to negotiate a wheelchair, and trying to figure out how to knock her leg around because even the slightest motion caused her pain...yeah, we have come a long way. Luckily, the wheelchair days are long behind us, and hoping to ditch the walker soon!!!

I have to say, I have never been a victim of "dredging up old posts" before. I am not sure if I should be offended or flattered that you took the time to do that.

 

[ajk912]

Is your husband working 5 or 6 days a week? At an average of 70 hours he is working 12 to 14 hours a day. No wonder he needs rest on his days off but this is something you are deliberatly stopping because you don't want it. From the way you are talkikng you like being a stay at home mum but resent the person making it possible. How old are you children? are they at school? If so why not take a part time job so your husband doesn't need to work so much and maybe he might be awake enough to enjoy life with and without his family.

I would LOVE to get a part time job, but he would need to be available to watch the kids. They aren't old enough to stay home themselves, and since he needs to have 100% availability that isn't feasible. So this is the way it works right now.

Anyway..to update of sorts..he came home and thanked me for mowing the lawn, and we chit chatted and joked about our days. Just to clarify, I apologized and said that I am sorry we are a loud, obnoxious family but of course we appreciate him. He just smiled. I think we were both frustrated, and I should know better than to post on the DIS when frustrated (that and the dredged up from the past post...) more often than not, you (proverbial you) are just spewing and not necessarily planning on following through. Anyway, obviously y'all don't know me IRL but I am a very high energy person (as are the kids) and this is no suprise. Some people are just like that, I am sure you all know a few.

Anyway..really..finals (TOMORROW!! UGH!!!) so hate to ditch on y'all but I have a lot to do today and I need to study to pass these suckers. Thanks for the input!!!

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Oh, boy, talk about a flashback. I remember being so frustrated to be learning how to negotiate a wheelchair, and trying to figure out how to knock her leg around because even the slightest motion caused her pain...yeah, we have come a long way. Luckily, the wheelchair days are long behind us, and hoping to ditch the walker soon!!!

I have to say, I have never been a victim of "dredging up old posts" before. I am not sure if I should be offended or flattered that you took the time to do that.

Don't be flattered nor offended Took me less than a minute. You gave us the date in your post (October), so I just clicked on old posts, chose a later page, and there the thread was. No searching needed.

Your post struck a chord as I remembered vividly being so appalled that you thought you were more entitled to that handicap space than anyone else. And that you refused to come a little bit early as that would inconvenience you.

At my kids' elementary school, there are only 5 handicapped parking spots. My daughter is in a wheelchair, and I really NEED one of those spots because they are wider and otherwise, if I get someone parked close to me in a normal parking spot it may be physically impossible to get her in the car. In the afternoons before school lets out, those parking spots are all gone at least 15 minutes before dismissal. There appears to be quite a few people who have a placard, and not saying their issues are not as important as mine..ok, maybe I am. Don't hate me, I just need that wide spot

I would really suggest that you rethink your position of doing things 100% your way, whether it be the household or parking spots.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey, I am not going to even read or mention the earlier thread, except to say that, If her daughter was in a wheelchair and she NEEDS one of those spots, she has every right to it. I can almost guarantee you that there are not that many wheelchair bound children in that school. And, if this is what is necessary to keep those spots from being poached by people who break or stretch the law.... And also, technically, the OP should be able to request that the school provide that her daughter receive assitance, every day, getting into the school to her classroom, and back out to the car. Whatever accomodations are necessary for her daughter to attend school and receive an education.

And, if her husband is working that many hours a week, no matter what the schedule, that is a HUGE factor.
One that needs addressed... PERIOD.

If he is working that many hours, and she is barrelling on ahead with finals, the kids, one with a wheelchair/walker.....etc... etc....
Well, when people bite off more than is humanly possible to chew... something has to give.

Look, clearly both the OP AND her husband are wrong.

They are both very clearly being negative and very, very, passive aggressive...
( I am not responsible, I am NOT going to do this, that, etc..., and any problems are the other persons problems...) just SO classic.

I started to say, like many other posters here, that this marriage must certainly be doomed without intervention and considerable change...

But, then again, maybe the OP and her husband are the perfect match... Maybe they both just thrive on the negativity, passive aggressive behavior, and drama. Maybe they will go happily to their death beds, continuing the verbal exchanges.

Unless they want things to be different... ( it seems obvious that they do not ) then, hey, what-e-v-e-r...

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Hey, I am not going to even read or mention the earlier thread, except to say that, If her daughter was in a wheelchair and she NEEDS one of those spots, she has every right to it. I can almost guarantee you that there are not that many wheelchair bound children in that school. And, if this is what is necessary to keep those spots from being poached by people who break or stretch the law.... And also, technically, the OP should be able to request that the school provide that her daughter receive assitance, every day, getting into the school to her classroom, and back out to the car. Whatever accomodations are necessary for her daughter to attend school and receive an education.

And, if her husband is working that many hours a week, no matter what the schedule, that is a HUGE factor.
One that needs addressed... PERIOD.

Look, clearly both the OP AND her husband are wrong.

They are both very clearly being negative and very, very, passive aggressive...
( I am not responsible, I am NOT going to do this, that, etc..., and any problems are the other persons problems...) just SO classic.

I started to say, like many other posters here, that this marriage must certainly be doomed without intervention and considerable change...

But, then again, maybe the OP and her husband are the perfect match... Maybe they both just thrive on the negativity, passive aggressive behavior, and drama. Maybe they will go happily to their death beds, continuing the verbal exchanges.
Unless they want things to be different... ( it seems obvious that they do not ) then, hey, what-e-v-e-r...

I agree with the part I made red. My ILs love to fight with each other. They have perfected it to an art form. Over 50 years later they are still arguing, bickering and have loud discussions. But when my FIL was extremely sick in the hospital and the doctors weren't sure he would pull through, my MIL was beside herself with fear and grief. He pulled through and they are back to bickering and happy as clams. Go figure. While it's not for me, who knows what makes other marriages tick.

 

[ajk912]

Hey, I am not going to even read or mention the earlier thread, except to say that, If her daughter was in a wheelchair and she NEEDS one of those spots, she has every right to it. I can almost guarantee you that there are not that many wheelchair bound children in that school. And, if this is what is necessary to keep those spots from being poached by people who break or stretch the law.... And also, technically, the OP should be able to request that the school provide that her daughter receive assitance, every day, getting into the school to her classroom, and back out to the car. Whatever accomodations are necessary for her daughter to attend school and receive an education.

And, if her husband is working that many hours a week, no matter what the schedule, that is a HUGE factor.
One that needs addressed... PERIOD.

If he is working that many hours, and she is barrelling on ahead with finals, the kids, one with a wheelchair/walker.....etc... etc....
Well, when people bite off more than is humanly possible to chew... something has to give.

Look, clearly both the OP AND her husband are wrong.

They are both very clearly being negative and very, very, passive aggressive...
( I am not responsible, I am NOT going to do this, that, etc..., and any problems are the other persons problems...) just SO classic.

I started to say, like many other posters here, that this marriage must certainly be doomed without intervention and considerable change...

But, then again, maybe the OP and her husband are the perfect match... Maybe they both just thrive on the negativity, passive aggressive behavior, and drama. Maybe they will go happily to their death beds, continuing the verbal exchanges.

Unless they want things to be different... ( it seems obvious that they do not ) then, hey, what-e-v-e-r...

Well, she's better now, she just uses a walker (as needed, not all the time) but at the time, yes, she was only child in the school who used a wheelchair that was parent pickup. She was eligible to ride the handicap bus, but my insurance company was not willing to pay for a bus-friendly wheelchair so she couldn't ride the bus unless I bought that wheelchair OOP. So I was frustrated because it can be a battle to get a handicapped parking spot at the school. Contrary to many people's beliefs, I am not intentionally difficult, and it makes it easier for the school for me to walk her to the classroom and back instead of them freeing up an employee to do it. So that's fine, I have to drive and park and get her out of the car anyway, I might as well walk her to the classroom while I am at it.

As for the other part, thanks for the advice, I am not really sure what to say that I haven't said already- thanks though.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Good luck on your finals OP.