Help!! Need good advice.................

[WisconsinDisneyGirl]

My MIL is visiting with us for the week. She will be comming with my family to WDW in Dec. with my parents and brother. My parents have always wanted to take the family on a WDW vacation for Xmas for years. It has always been a dream for my mom. My parents invited my MIL along too as she has always wanted to go to WDW with our kids (FIL passed away last year). Anyhow, MIL told my BIL and his wife that she was going with us. SIL said to MIL that she will look into flights and come join us for the weekend! What!!?? We have lived out of state for many years and have only visited 2 times. We go there every other year. No birthday gifts for our kids, maybe only a few calls a year and a few emails. So not too close. She said she wanted to "fill her quota" for seeing us this year and is really not interested in WDW (said this may be the only trip she takes to WDW- ever). I was brought up in a Disney family. My best childhood memories are going to WDW. My parents are fun people and LOVE WDW!!!! Can't wait to do WDW with them. So, how do I deal with my SIL? I asked her if she and her family wanted to take a family trip in a few years and she was not interested. Now she wants to go to WDW? Don't get it. She has not even talked to me about it. Told MIL that she is looking into flights. It is not my trip- it is my parents trip. What do I do??? I don't want to start WWIII- for my MIL's sake (she has to live in the same area and I really do love her.).

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

My sister did the same thing to us! We are going to WDW with my parents, and my inlaws, and all of the sudden, out of nowhere, she announces that shes coming along - Who invited you?!? Long long long story short, I called her, and tried to explain to her that this was my girls first trip, we've planned it with BOTH their grandparents, and we want to make sure they have all the attention on them (we don't know when we can afford to go back again). My sisters two kids have gone do Disney with their grandparents several times (my bros and siss are 20 years older than me, so they all had their kids way before me) on a one-on-one basis, and have had all those experiences. I tried to explain this, but she didn't take it to well - that was back in Feb, and I have not spoken to her since.
So just ask yourself, is it really worth making a huge deal about it? Can you just tell SIL "This is what were doing today, join or not" - maybe just meet up with them for dinner or something. Trust me, people don't take things like this well, even though they were not invited, and just decided to rudely invite themselves. Yes, I do think its rude, for example, my sis and parents have gone on vacations together - did I sit there and invite myself to them - NO WAY.
On one had, I wish I had never said anything to my sister, just so there wasn't this huge monkey between us, but on the other hand, I really don't want her there in Disney with us for many reasons which I won't go into here. Whatever you decide, just think long and hard about it.

 

[WisconsinDisneyGirl]

SharpMomOfTwo-
I will think long and hard about how to deal with this. Like I said, I just don't want to start WWIII. But this is my parents gift to us (don't know when we will go again) and I don't want to anger them. My parents are very giving and understanding - but this is just rude. I have to really plan what I will say to my SIL. If I don't it will get ugly and I honestly do not want that.

 

[powellrj]

If you are planning to take her over the christmas holidays, I can understand why your DBIL may want his family to join you. He already lost his father last year, and now this year you want his mom to join your family for christmas at WDW. While I understand you want this trip to just be for your family, they may not want to spend christmas without a grandparent with their kids this year.

 

[eeyoremum]

Just a suggestion...whatever you and DH decide it is HIS family so let him do the talking.

No matter what you say they will see you as the nasty SIL. I learned a long time ago to keep my thoughts to myself regarding MIL's daughter. It is a fight you can't win.

 

[WisconsinDisneyGirl]

powellrj-
We are going the first week of Dec. What was said to my MIL was that the would go to WDW to "fill the obligation" to see us. Get it out of the way. No warm fuzzies in the statement. My SIL does everything with her family and very little with her husbands. Basicly told my MIL that she was a burden. I am very sad to hear this.

 

[Nancyg56]

I feel so badly for you. The same thing happened to a cousin. She and her DH saved so that they could take their two children their spouses and their six grandchildren to Disney. It was a trip of a lifetime for them, and they looked forward to enjoying every minute of it. Her Son IL invited his parents to join them and the entire thing turned into a nightmare. They did not go during a Holiday so there were no issues with that, the IL's just did not want to be left out. What they did though was ridicule every decision made, insist on taking their own grandchildren away from the group and basically hoarding the vacation for their "own" family.
My cousin was heartbroken and she confided in me that she was also very upset with her DD for allowing it to happen. She would not cause trouble between her DD and SIL but she thought that one of them should have addressed his parents. It took her and her DH a long time to get over that fiasco.

I hope that whatever you do decide to do, and I am so glad I am not in your position, your trip is as magical as you have planned. If your relatives do join you I think that you and your DH need to have some sort of plan in place.

 

[WisconsinDisneyGirl]

eeyoremum-
You are right. I should have my DH deal with it. I guess when my SIL emails me I should just have my DH respond. We just have to plan an appropriate responce. My DH does not even know about this yet- he is going to freak! He and my SIL have a history. My SIL (also his SIL) has hard feelings toward my DH and has a difficult time getting over the fact that my DH as infact grown up and to let go of stuff that happened in college- many years ago.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

My advice to you would be to say that you are glad that they are going, maybe we can get together at some point, but you are going with your parents & MIL and you feel you should spend most of your time with them. You may want to even have your MIL explain this to them but do it with kids gloves. Just don't shut them out completely because that is just not a good feeling for you or them, if you are close or not. IMO Oh, and good luck!

PS... Been there and done that, don't want to do it again.

 

[tlbwriter]

What is your biggest concern? Are you afraid they'll ignore you? That would probably be a blessing, not a problem. Are you afraid they'll try to change your trip to something that suits them? Don't let them. Make it clear that your trip will follow your plan, and if they want to, they are welcome to join you, but that you are not changing your plans to suit them. Are you afraid they'll monopolize MIL's time? Probably nothing you can do about that, other than planning a few special things with her.

 

[cart-mom]

I feel your pain. I too have had bad vacations with IL's and have made it through by the skin of my teeth. I have held my tounge more than once because it was DH's brother and mother causing the grief. Not anymore - DH sees the wrongs and has spoken up when necessary. Long story short - we won't ever be vacationing with DBIL & DSIL EVER again. We (DH & I) are united in this and have accepted it for what it is. You need to let DH handle it and be prepared for whatever may come.

Look at it one way - if you will be there for a week and they are coming only for the weekend that is 2 or 3 days (probably LONG days). You work on your plans for your family and mention that this is what you have planned (like it or not) like PP said - meet up for dinner or fireworks if they don't want to do the parks. Don't back down, but if they insist on bringing you down tell them you want family time with your parents and do just that. Enjoy your time with them.

I expect this is just another in a long line of "in-law" frustrations that you will have to endure. Just take things one day at a time.

Good luck and patience - you'll need it.

 

[Rylee]

This is a hard situation.

If you and DH decide to say something to BIL/SIL, just make sure your DH does the talking. However, I can't see that going over very well.

If DH does say something, they might accept it better, if he makes it seem like it has nothing to do with not wanting to go with them...

A trip to Disney sounds like a great idea, we should plan to do that sometime, but this next trip is my MIL's (your mom) idea and she's made all the arrangements. I would never ask her to alter the plans she has made.

If you decide to say nothing about it... perhaps DH could keep SIL "in the dark" about your plans...

My MIL has made all our plans and reservations, because this was really her idea, but maybe we can meet up with you a couple of times.

It's too late to change all our ADR's, it was difficult to get them for 8 people, in the first place, maybe we can grab lunch together.

Good luck.

 

[motherofautumn]

What do your parents think? This trip was their idea -- your mom decided to invite MIL -- not the other way around. Maybe SIL needs to inform them of her plans. You shouldn't have to deal with the situation alone.

 

[WisconsinDisneyGirl]

My MIL asked me not to say anything to my parents. She really like my parents and is very thankful that she was invited. She does not want to make them mad. I told her that is it not her fault and my parents would not be angry with her. If I told my father I think he would blow a fuse!

 

[idieh]

I'll add my two cents...trying to make them stay home will only make you look bad. The chances that it would be received well are small; whereas the chances of driving a wedge between their family and yours is great. Go...enjoy yourself...wait for a situation to occur that troubles you and react then...not now! Be sure to have a written itininary (which parks on which days) for your family and all you dinner adr's set. This way SIL can't hijack the vacation. Leave enough down time, every third day works well, for them to take MIL and have "special time" with her. This will offer a great time for you and the kids to spends "special time" along with your parents! Don't get too stressed; you're going to "the happiest place on Earth" afterall!

 

[idieh]

I'll add my two cents...trying to make them stay home will only make you look bad. The chances that it would be received well are small; whereas the chances of driving a wedge between their family and yours is great. Go...enjoy yourself...wait for a situation to occur that troubles you and react then...not now! Be sure to have a written itininary (which parks on which days) for your family and all you dinner adr's set. This way SIL can't hijack the vacation. Leave enough down time, every third day works well, for them to take MIL and have "special time" with her. This will offer a great time for you and the kids to spends "special time" alone with your parents! Don't get too stressed; you're going to "the happiest place on Earth" afterall!

 

[eeyoremum]

I'll add my two cents...trying to make them stay home will only make you look bad. The chances that it would be received well are small; whereas the chances of driving a wedge between their family and yours is great. Go...enjoy yourself...wait for a situation to occur that troubles you and react then...not now! Be sure to have a written itininary (which parks on which days) for your family and all you dinner adr's set. This way SIL can't hijack the vacation. Leave enough down time, every third day works well, for them to take MIL and have "special time" with her. This will offer a great time for you and the kids to spends "special time" alone with your parents! Don't get too stressed; you're going to "the happiest place on Earth" afterall!

I really like this idea. You are right, you can't tell them they can't go...it is a public place. I would tell them right off the top these are the time we are not busy...we can spend time with you at these times. Make it clear that those are the only hours you are willing to spend with them since this trip was already planned.

You could almost say something like....we can't wait to see you at WDW we will be available (insert date) for lunch/dinner/afternoon does this work with your plans? Leave it at that.

Good luck

 

[WisconsinDisneyGirl]

Thank you all for your ideas and support. I like many of the ideas. My MIL sent an email this am to her DIL and stated that she did not think it was a good idea that she make plans on joining us without talking to us first. Basicly she told her not to come. Did it in a nice (I thought it was VERY nice) way. I wonder what my SIL will say in her response..............

 

[disykat]

A trip to Disney sounds like a great idea, we should plan to do that sometime, but this next trip is my MIL's (your mom) idea and she's made all the arrangements. I would never ask her to alter the plans she has made.

Great post.

I just noticed OP's update. I think her MIL handling it herself and letting her know this trip is being planned by others and she can't just invite herself was great! MIL sounds very gracious, realizing SHE is the add-on on this trip not the planner. This must have been very embarassing for her!

 

[EthansMom]

Some of the best advice I've seen here on the DIS regarding this issue is: "No one can invite themselves on YOUR vacation without your help". If you or MIL don't give SIL all of the info. regarding your travel plans, then she can't insinuate herself into them.

Personally, I would say something along the lines of, "Oh, we already have many plans with my parents that I really can't change since they're treating us to this vacation. But, if you let us know when you'll be around, perhaps we could get together for dinner one evening." Basically, something vague but polite that lets SIL know that spending time with her is not your priority.