Help! Need advice re MIL tagging along

[SILLYANDI]

My husband just informed me that my MIL has invited herself on our vacation. I'm not at all thrilled, but should have expected it, she ALWAYS does stuff like this. Our last vacation with her was HORRIBLE. Even the kids complained, and DH & I agreed to NEVER do it again.
She basically guilted DH into inviting her (she claimed that the kids were rubbing it in that she was not invited because Mommy said so, then played the hurt grandma with an evil DIL. I didn't say anything of the sort, I ABSOLUTELY NEVER say a bad word to her or about her in front of the kids-they can figure out her flaws on their own) DH said "We would never say you can't go" G-ma translation "we'd love to have you"
Anyway, we tried brainstorming how to disinvite her (she doesn't have the vacation info yet & has not booked anything so she won't lose any money at this point) but the best we could do was "we'd rather you not go" which would be followed by crying & the cold shoulder for months-probably heaped with tons of guilt that would surface everytime the vacation is mentioned for eternity.
Any ideas of how to do it without the theatrics (or guilt)?
If we can't talk her out of going how do I deal with MY issues-
3 biggest concerns-
1)She is self centered & mental- very picky eater, has to eat at certain times, claustrophobic & afraid of heights (needs to be on ground floor near entrance), list goes on & on-and forces these issues on the whole party (ie kids are not allowed on rollercoasters they may fall off!, we all have to eat at HER restaurant choice at HER time) We all have to move about as a group, no going off on our own and meeting up later-God forbid something memory making should happen and she's not a part.
2)She is passive agressive- If we don't agree with her (let the kids ride!) she pouts and doesn't get over it. If we say we are going to eat somewhere else and meet up with her later-she will go with us then eat two bites and complain about not liking anything on the menu. She makes comments like "I really think you shouldn't wear blue" like she's being helpful.She whines like a 5 yr old. She even stole my kids happy meal toys on our last trip because she wanted the whole collection (not kidding she STOLE them right out of the boxes and when the kids questioned her she denied it even though I was sitting next to her and saw them in her purse!!)
3)She thinks she's the mom & I'm the hired help. This bothers me the most, the kids will say "mom, why is the sky blue" and before I can breath she is answering. I have a ton of great pictures of the back of her head because I'd get the kids all posed for a picture then she'd step IN FRONT of me to get a better shot! She is constantly reprimending them and telling them what they can & can't do ("Dad can we ride space mountain?" G-Ma butts in with "absolutely not you're going to get hurt!"). My kids are VERY well behaved-friends & strangers are always complimenting us on their behavior, but she micromanages them.

Please Help I was so excited about this trip and now I just want to cry!
Andrea

 

[FreshTressa]

Oh no!!!

My mil always wants to go with us too....DH just says we use vacations as family bonding time and would love to spend time with her when we get back.

I would never have the nerve to tell her that though.

There is nothing worse than spending all that money and then having someone along that ruins it for you. I can't even imagine.

Good Luck!

 

[tiggersmom2]

I would rather clean toilets all day on end.....than take a vacation with my MIL.....

I think a firm "This is a much needed trip to reconnect with our children one on one." is a good approach. If she complains tell her.....that it just wouldn't be fair to you guys or her b/c you want her to have as much quality time as possible with the children and you just don't see that happening on this trip.

 

[VSL]

She seems like work.

First of all, give you DH a slap for accidentally inviting her.

Secondly, you need to commit yourselves to making sure she doesn't come. From the sound of it, any reason you come up with will result in very child-like behaviour, so maybe just come out with it and say, 'I'm sorry but this trip is for DH, me and the children only - maybe we could spend some time together when we get back'. It's not a case of talking her out of going - you have to tell her that she is not invited to vacation with you.

 

[poohandwendy]

DH & I agreed to NEVER do it again.

Then do not do it again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Stick to your guns.

Any ideas of how to do it without the theatrics (or guilt)?

There really is not going to be any way to do it without theatrics or guilt. You are just going to have to prepare yourself for that or you will cave. She is a professional manipulator...if she wasn't really good at it, you wouldn't even care if she came.

She is going to be mad. Everyone here has given you really good ways to break it to her, but she will still be mad/hurt and will try to manipulate you. That is obviously the way she has learned to get her way with you. So, face it as a team and do not allow her to bully you.

One thing that may work, is when she puts the guilt on and make you feel that you have hurt her feelings...steer the conversation in another direction. Ie "We are hurt that you cannot understand our need for a vacation with just the kids." Do not allow the conversation to keep going back to her. Make it known that your final say is just that.

If we can't talk her out of going how do I deal with MY issues-

Why is that an option? You both agreed: 'never again'.

To me, it is this simple. Dealing with the confrontation of her not going is ONE uncomfortable situation and no matter how ugly she gets, she still does not ruin your trip if you stick to your guns. Dealing with her on the vacation is facing MANY uncomfortable situations AND she ruins your trip. Yes, she will make you feel guilty for eternity....if you allow her to do that.

Time to take a stand or this pattern will just keep repeating itself.

She has learned how to deal with you, to get what she wants. You need to learn how to deal with her, to get what you want.

 

[poohandwendy]

It's not a case of talking her out of going - you have to tell her that she is not invited to vacation with you.

This is so true. You are not going to somehow convince her that she is ok with not going. It will never happen. You should focus your energy on making sure she understands that it is not negotiable. She is not going. Period. You do not have to be mean, you just have to be firm about it and not back down.

 

[Marseeya]

What did Ann Landers used to say? Something like, nobody can take advantage of you without your consent. That certainly applies here!

Just.

Say.

NO.

Don't feel bad, don't feel guilty, don't give in to the whiney, grade-school drama that she'll give you.

My DH and I have talked about this before. If his mother ever pulled a stunt like that, well, first of all I'd kill DH for giving his mother that kind of information. But, secondly, MIL can follow us along all she wants, but she would never know our plans!

I'd never allow anyone to ruin my expensive, well-deserved vacation.

I just don't get people who invite themselves like that! I really don't. Don't they realize that if they were wanted in the first place, they would have been asked?

 

[kaylajr]

We invited MIL on our last WDW trip 10/04
and somehow ended up with SIL and family too

Let me tell you NEVEr AGAIN doesn't even begin to describe it

I would give up Disney before I go back with her
she RUINED the whole trip

DH said on the way home that Disney lost the magic
i finally convinced him to go back Dec this year

if MIL thought about coming i would simply say

None of us had a good time last trip and i don't wish to repeat it

we will do something together when we get back

if that hurt her feeling well than TOO BAD
Don't let her ruin you trip it is NOT WORTH IT

 

[minkydog]

It seems to me that the one you should be mad is your hubby, not your MIL. Yes, she sounds like a piece of work. So, why is your DH allowing her to run the show? If you all don't want her to go, then your DH needs to step up and say so. And not blame it on you, either. (Can you tell I have some experience with my picky MIL?)

 

[mrFDNY]

Hi,
Perhaps a professional hitman would have a better idea on how to handle this. Ok joking ,but i would say that if your sure she will ruin this trip for sure than no way can she go with you guys!!Remember this is a vacation for you and your family and vacations are supposed to be for relaxing not stress.Maybe instead of telling her no,you can sneak there?Or just don't tell her when your going or not tell her your there at all,if you have that option.Another trick is to find everything she hates and make disney look like that.Make her dislike disney and maybe she won't want to go at all.Good luck and you need to put your foot down,this is your vacation too and you deserve to be relaxed as well!! If none of this works pm me for hitmans number

 

[lewdyan1]

1)She is self centered & mental- very picky eater, has to eat at certain times, claustrophobic & afraid of heights (needs to be on ground floor near entrance), list goes on & on-and forces these issues on the whole party (ie kids are not allowed on rollercoasters they may fall off!, we all have to eat at HER restaurant choice at HER time)...

I would plan a trip that included visiting many sky scrapers and make sure your hotel room is on, at least the 20th floor! Seriously, sorry for the problems...sending some PD your way!

 

[Martha7]

You should print this thread out and give it to her! Honestly, I agree with everyone else here. Your DH screwed up by letting it get this far already, but now he needs to put on his poker face and tell her how it is! I really wonder if people like your MIL are that clueless. Does she really not perceive of how much she ruins it for everyone else, or is she just a bull in a china shop, with no ability to pick up on social cues? If she hadn't proven what a spoiled sport she was on the last trip, I'd say to go along with it, but given her past history, I don't think she should be rewarded with another trip. Maybe your DH can say, "I've been thinking about it, and have decided to make this trip just with the wife and kids." Then, when she complains, he should take responsibility for making the decision, (she'll know you had input, but it doesn't need to be said). He should stick to that old line that you use when you're breaking up with someone. "It's not you, it's me." There's no argument when you use that one, since it's too vague to be argued against. It'll be hard for him for an hour or so, then he'll have a great vacation and a grateful family as a reward. If she's going to sulk and hold it over your heads for eternity, look at it this way: if it wasn't this, it'd be something else. She sounds like a bundle of neuroses anyway. In the future, you should both be ready with a policy statement, such as "We've decided that Disney vacations will be kept to only our group." Also hard to argue with, since policy has been set. Good luck, and please come back and update us!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I totally agree with everyone else! Well, maybe not the hitman.

You know darned well that she's going to ruin your vacation and you're going to return mad and feeling like you never had a vacation, after spending all that money, so why do it?

Even a vacation with the ground rules spelled out isn't perfect, as I know. But that was with my mom, who is a very go with the flow kind of person.

You KNOW what it's like with your MIL. The mistake was ever even talking about the vacation in front of her, but of course that's hard to avoid with children.

Tell her that only your immediate family is going (have your DH tell her this--it's his mother and he didn't put his foot down to begin with). Period.

She's not going to change even though she'll promise everything before the trip. You know that's not true.

 

[lewdyan1]

"I've been thinking about it, and have decided to make this trip just with the wife and kids." Then, when she complains, he should take responsibility for making the decision, (she'll know you had input, but it doesn't need to be said). He should stick to that old line that you use when you're breaking up with someone. "It's not you, it's me."

Martha, I like this. Maybe add to this conversation, to sooth ruffled feathers, that you would plan a weekend away that includes her...

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

...which would be followed by crying & the cold shoulder for months-probably heaped with tons of guilt that would surface everytime the vacation is mentioned for eternity.

This sounds like the lesser of the two evils. I'd much prefer the cold shoulder and her attempted guilt trips to a miserable vacation for the entire family. Just tell her!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This is one of "those times" it is necessary for you to put your foot down. Mama Bear comes alive when my family is under threat and this sounds like a threat to my family to me.

Quite frankly I would tell her ASAP, that in NO WAY is she going, period.

The fact she throws a tantrum and then doesn't speak to you is a bonus, in my book.

 

[kristen821]

Oh no!!!

My mil always wants to go with us too....DH just says we use vacations as family bonding time and would love to spend time with her when we get back.

I would never have the nerve to tell her that though.

There is nothing worse than spending all that money and then having someone along that ruins it for you. I can't even imagine.

Good Luck!

This would be what I would have your dh say too.

 

[Ranatra]

No Way.
I don't believe in rewarding bad behaviour. She sounds like a grand manipulator.

I learned this a long time ago after being taken advantage of a million times.
When people are SO bold in their actions toward you, you have to be JUST as bold in your stand on defending yourself.
Then they usually back down. Stand up for yourself. SAY NO!

Inviting yourself on someone else's vacation is very bold in my book.

 

[auntpolly]

Not only would I put my foot down about this, but I would really insist my DH had an honest talk with her about everything. It's his job,not yours, to clear things up with his mother.

 

[Virgo10]

I'm with the poster who said

JUST

SAY

NO!

She's a manipulator and control freak. Nothing you can do or say will make her happy. You can only make yourself and your kids happy. If you want to cushion this, then tell her it's a family vacation - your family, not her's.

It always makes me sad to read how much trouble people have with in laws. I loved my ex's mother and miss her everyday since she passed on. It makes me wish everyone could have the type of relationship she gave to her daughters in law.

Sorry for the rambling. Don't let her pull your chain. Do go on vaction without her and Don't feel guilty!!!