Help! Need advice re MIL tagging along

[luv2nascar]

If my DH invited her after we agreed to never again without discussing it with me. He would A) get a severe tongue lashing from me B) make sure (don't care how) uninvite her

He'd probably continue to hear about it but it had better dang be sure taken care of.

 

[Beth76]

I agree with the posters who said "Who cares if she doesn't talk to you for awhile." No one in your family had a good time on the trip, right? It would be one thing if the kids liked having granny around. But they didn't. It didn't sound like she had a good time, so why does she even want to go again? Because she wants to ruin your vacation. Why go on a vacation if she's just going to ruin it? If you have to, cancel the trip, reschedule it and not tell her when you're going.

 

[diznygirl]

Oh boy, do I have experience with this!

You have to learn to ignore her theatrics. What would you do if your toddler threw a tantrum? Ignore the behavior and do not give in!

We've been through plenty of silent treatments, fake illnesses and hurt feelings with MIL. But she has gotten the message. Things have gotten better for us.

Tell her the plans have been made and they can't be changed to accomodate her. Then ignore anything she does.

Good luck - be strong!!!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Life is too short for aggravation like this on your hard earned vacation. I would just say that this is our time as a family, we're going by ourselves, and let it be. She'll be mad no matter what you do.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am just rolling my eyes here...

And, just HOW did she get the information about the upcoming vacation plans??? People ususally get what they ask for!

As I have said on every single one of these threads, inlaw issues are, in reality, MARRIAGE issues.

If my husband let this go further than the next 24 hours without taking care of the situation with HIS mother, then I would have serious problems about his respect (or lack there-of) for me as his wife, and our kids as well.

Your kids have a RIGHT to a normal happy family vacation with their parents.

She is a toxic person, and I would simply refuse to let her control my plans and spread her poison. If she decided to start with the whining and the cold shoulder, she would quickly find out that I would simply refuse to be in her presence.

The answer here is obvious.
Speak to your husband.
Tell him that you want and NEED this vacation with him, but that you will simply refuse to travel if she is involved in any way.
Yes, you are right when you ask how to deal with 'your' issues.
It is not how to deal with your issues with your MIL...
It is how are you going to deal with these issues with your DH.

 

[PlutoPony]

One of the things I remember most about my childhood is our family vacations (and it's been 35+ years since we took one!) Hate to say it, but if your kids are like me and remember this trip years later their feelings about grandma (and maybe you and DH for allowing it to happen) won't be ones you all want remembered! You obviously know this is a recipe for disaster so for your kids sake if nothing else JUST SAY NO (I'm impressed with some of the suggestions on how to tactfully say this!)
GOOD LUCK!

 

[Beth76]

You have to learn to ignore her theatrics. What would you do if your toddler threw a tantrum? Ignore the behavior and do not give in!

This is a great point! This is exactly what she's doing (or what you're saying she'll do if you tell her no). Come on, this woman is an adult. She should be able to control her emotions. If not, that's HER problem, not yours.

 

[Disney Doll]

If you and DH allow yourselves to be manipulated into taking your DMIL with you, you have no one to blame but yourselves.

Tell your DH to grow a set and say "Mom, we are making this a trip for just us". When she starts manipulating, tell him to repeat it. Manipulative people manipulate by wearing you down, and when it's someone's mother, it's easier for them, because of the whole mother-guilt thing, and the fact that the mother never thinks that their child is an adult.

I am a nurse. I take care of many substance abusers who are detoxing on my medical unit, because they have to go through the physical part first ("dry out") before they can get to the psychological part. They are usually very nice people, but the most manipulative group of people in the world with regard to their medications. Detox has specific drugs and medication times, and that's it. The patients will try every excuse, sob story, ranting, raving, being super nice, being pathetic, screaming in agony...they pull out all the stops. My stock answer is "I understand that you are uncomfortable and I feel badly about that, but your medication is due at 10AM, so I will bring it to you then. I cannot bring it sooner". And I will literally, and I do mean literally, repeat that same phrase 100 times between 9 and 10 AM. You just have to wait manipulative people out, because eventually they determine that they can't manipulate you, and they stop trying.

This realization has been very helpful to me in dealing with my crazy, manipulative SIL as well.

The key is to find the stock repsonse and continue to repeat it, no matter what. In your case, something along the lines of "This trip is for Sue, me and the kids only" would probably work. And if she starts on you, say "This trip is for Bill, me and the kids only". And if she starts on the kids, tell the kids to say "Talk to Mom & Dad".

 

[Brianne]

Others have said it better than I could but DH has to be the one to tell her NO. Plus, if she's anything like my MIL (which it sounds like she is--I'm sorry!), he's going to have to use a lot of "I" statements rather than "DW" or "we" statements. If my DH even used "we", my MIL would fly off the handle & blame it all on me. She still doesn't believe that we're capable of making a joint decision on anything.

Good luck & don't let her get her way!

 

[Disney1fan2002]

You said she has no dates or details yet to make her reservations. I have an idea.

make up the dates and details. Tell her you are going on dates that you are really not going. Look up flight numbers for those dates, pick a flight and tell her to book that flight. Have her book a room in her own name, and tell her you will meet her at the airport.

Better yet, find a flight that os sold out, tell her that is your flight, she will have to pick an earlier or later flight, and you will meet her at the hotel.

When she gets there and discover's you are not there, and calls you, tell her to have a wonderful time!

OK, so I am mean, but I have travelled with my MIL, and thankfully, she is not someone who forces herself to be included, but vacations with her are not fun.

 

[hucifer]

Then do not do it again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Stick to your guns. There really is not going to be any way to do it without theatrics or guilt. You are just going to have to prepare yourself for that or you will cave. She is a professional manipulator...if she wasn't really good at it, you wouldn't even care if she came.

She is going to be mad. Everyone here has given you really good ways to break it to her, but she will still be mad/hurt and will try to manipulate you. That is obviously the way she has learned to get her way with you. So, face it as a team and do not allow her to bully you.

One thing that may work, is when she puts the guilt on and make you feel that you have hurt her feelings...steer the conversation in another direction. Ie "We are hurt that you cannot understand our need for a vacation with just the kids." Do not allow the conversation to keep going back to her. Make it known that your final say is just that. Why is that an option? You both agreed: 'never again'.

To me, it is this simple. Dealing with the confrontation of her not going is ONE uncomfortable situation and no matter how ugly she gets, she still does not ruin your trip if you stick to your guns. Dealing with her on the vacation is facing MANY uncomfortable situations AND she ruins your trip. Yes, she will make you feel guilty for eternity....if you allow her to do that.

Time to take a stand or this pattern will just keep repeating itself.

She has learned how to deal with you, to get what she wants. You need to learn how to deal with her, to get what you want.

Well said! ITA.

 

[wilderness01]

I also agree with Pooh and Wendy's post. Ok I really do not mean to be mean, but if you allow this again, you kind of deserve it. Stay strong and tell her no or she will continue to manipulate you forever. You teach people how to treat you and if allowed, you will have taught her that you two can be totally manipulated whenever she wants with whatever she wants to do. Good luck.

 

[rascalmom]

You and your dh will teach your kids an important lesson by not rewarding her for her manipulative ways.

Want you kids to grow up strong & able to resist peer pressure?

Enough said.

 

[mushumadness]

we have just dodged going to florida with dbf's parents, brother and brothers gf

his bros girlfriend would drive me insane!! control freak isnt the word

If dbf ever dropped a holiday on me with the brother and gf he would be going alone (but luckily he feels the same lol)

tell your dh its just not on, and give him a quick sharp run down on what the last trip with her was like, just so he realises

 

[lbgraves]

IMO it would be better to tell her that you are going as a family alone & have her be a child at home than be stuck with her at WDW & have to put up with her pouting the entire trip. Tell her that this trip you have set the goal to ride every single ride!

I would never go to WDW with family. We like to go all day long & split up with the kids for different things. Having that bunch with us would make us waste the entire trip while they too 15 minutes to decide which way to walk.