Help my sister motivate her 12 y.o. son!

[mrsklamc]

My nephew will NOT 'apply himself' to his school work- which is sad cause he's a bright kid. My sister and her DH have taken away all of his 'stuff' (video games, etc) and he has to go straight to his room when he gets home.

MY DH suggests bribing him but DS doesn't want to do that either. AND, it's kinda DIS related because if he doesn't do better in school next year, no Disney with us!

Any suggestions?

 

[JimmyPicker]

If they've taken away everything, and it hasn't helped, obviously that isn't working.

Why not try positive reinforcement? It couldn't hurt.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Money!

 

[mrsklamc]

She thinks he should do his homework 'because he has to' and not need any extra incentive.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Counseling. If the parents are ineffective and punishment is not working a third party is good to get to the bottom of the problem.

There is a reason why, you just have to figure it out.

My dd is very bright however she suffers from anxiety/depression. Meds and counseling have put her on the track to success.

And if the kid has some depression/anxiety issues, what your inlaws are doing is a recipe for failure.

 

[NAB]

My nephew will NOT 'apply himself' to his school work- which is sad cause he's a bright kid. My sister and her DH have taken away all of his 'stuff' (video games, etc) and he has to go straight to his room when he gets home.

MY DH suggests bribing him but DS doesn't want to do that either. AND, it's kinda DIS related because if he doesn't do better in school next year, no Disney with us!

Any suggestions?

I have a 12 year old son that is the same way and did the same thing took a lot of things away. But if you take "everything" away what do they have to lose then. They will just do the opposite what you want because they have nothing to lose anymore if that makes sense.

I have been told it is a phase, at this age they don't care much about anything but socializing with friends. So the back talking starts, school grades go down. I wish I know how to change that. I just told him if he fails any courses his social life will change big time.

Teacher say he is bright becasue he can still just pass his test with out studying , so she said can you imagine if he did pick up the book and study.

Can't wait to hear what people suject because I have tried everything too. They just do not care....I get that back talk all the time.."I don't care mom!"

 

[binny]

I gotta tell you, I think its the age.
My DS who has been given this amazing brain and barely has to look at a test to get an A refused to apply himself until this year. A freshman in High School. I about tore my hair out trying to get him to understand but in the end HE had to want it.

When we sat down to plot his High School career (seems so early for that but there ya go) he was checking out what colleges he might want to attend and he found out what his GPA had to be and what sort of courses he wanted then he knew. Now he is straight As and B+s from a lot of Cs and Ds over the last couple of years.

In the end he has to make his own choice.

Sorry, its probably not what you wanted to hear.

 

[NAB]

She thinks he should do his homework 'because he has to' and not need any extra incentive.

Up until this grade my son did do his homework right after school. Now he doesnt' bring anything home or lies that he had any. We have had so many late project slips this year it isnt' funny.

I would not pay my child to do homework! or bribe him. He is the one that will get the conequences at school. Mind you he would think nothing of getting a "0" right not that makes me want to explode.

 

[iwrbnd]

I agree that it could be the age. Both my DSs went through this in middle school. I just kept reminding myself these grades wouldn't go on their permanent record. Both of them pulled themselves out of it. (Of course, you still have to do your part in parenting with support/discipline and love but try not to stress too much about it)

My 3rd son is entering middle school next year so I may need to take my own advice soon!

 

[srferson]

There is a reason why, you just have to figure it out.

I was thinking the same thing. Has your sister tried to ask him why he dislikes his school work so much?

Punishment doesn't seem to be working. They probably need to move more toward positive reinforcement and understanding. (Positive reinforcement does not necessarily equal 'bribing.')

That said, I don't know the boy and am not a professional here, so the best I can really do is wish them luck.

 

[srferson]

Hmm. Yeah. As PPs said, the age is probably not helping at all. Once I sat here for a moment and thought about it, I remembered it was around sixth grade that I caused my parents the same homework headaches.

People mention consequences from the school, but I'm not sure that would be enough to really help. I can very easily see the student's interpretation just being 'My teacher is just mean to me. She's just on a power trip.'

 

[NAB]

Hmm. Yeah. As PPs said, the age is probably not helping at all. Once I sat here for a moment and thought about it, I remembered it was around sixth grade that I caused my parents the same homework headaches.

People mention consequences from the school, but I'm not sure that would be enough to really help. I can very easily see the student's interpretation just being 'My teacher is just mean to me. She's just on a power trip.'

Oh yeah all the teachers are mean, hate them one day likes them another.

Plus we are the mean parents because other kids get to skip Friday afternoons, or go out everyday for lunch, the list goes on. Meanest parents out there we have been told.

 

[DizBelle]

In order to be able to do positive reinforcement, doesn't the kid have to do something to be rewarded for? If he isn't doing anything positive, what do you reinforce?

 

[Luv2Scrap]

I have a 12 year old son that is the same way and did the same thing took a lot of things away. But if you take "everything" away what do they have to lose then. They will just do the opposite what you want because they have nothing to lose anymore if that makes sense.

I have been told it is a phase, at this age they don't care much about anything but socializing with friends. So the back talking starts, school grades go down. I wish I know how to change that. I just told him if he fails any courses his social life will change big time.

Teacher say he is bright becasue he can still just pass his test with out studying , so she said can you imagine if he did pick up the book and study.

Can't wait to hear what people suject because I have tried everything too. They just do not care....I get that back talk all the time.."I don't care mom!"

This is exactly right! In the first quarter of this school year, my honor roll student was messing up big time - two F's, a D or two, mostly C's, and maybe one B. I was horrified! DH and I do not pay him for grades, but his dad and grandma do. The monetary reward was part of why he got back on track (it wasn't new, but he did miss getting the money!), but also a couple other things.

One, I scared him into believing he *would* be repeating 7th grade if he didn't get at least C's. (they actually allow D's, but to me that is NOT a passing grade! )

And two, we grounded him from all "screen time", meaning video games, TV, and computer, until he could prove that he was getting everything in on time. His problem was the he was just choosing not to do the work, and telling us he didn't have any homework. He would do all the little 5 & 10 point assignments and get full points, and then he wouldn't do the big projects, which would be worth as much as 100 points sometimes. It was horrible!

He has always resisted using a planner, but we finally had a big meeting with several of his teachers together, and we all convinced him that he was going to need to start using a planner, and we taught him to write the assignment in on the due date, cross it off when done, and write "TI" next to it when he acutally turned it in. When this didn't quite fix the problem completely, we also temporarily required him to ask the teacher to initial the planner when he turned it in (they all agreed to do this beforehand). Then we knew for sure, every single day, if his stuff was turned in on time. We also have access to his grade/assignment info online, so we were able to compare his planner to that, and make sure everything matched up.

Once he was back on track with completing assignments and turning them in on time, we gradually started to give him back his screen time, until he was back to his full daily alloted time again. It took about 3 weeks of everything turned in on time before we'd let him back on, but at least he knew there was hope for him to get it back as long as he was staying on track. This is important - they need to know there is something "in it" for them - otherwise, like NAB said, they have nothing to "lose".

Now I'm not saying this is what will solve the problems for everyone out there, but it has been a huge success for us - he was back on the B honor roll for last quarter, and I think his grades *might* be good enough for A honor roll in the quarter that ends tomorrow.

 

[mrsklamc]

Curious- do your 12 year olds have cell phones? He REALLY wants one, but again, she doesn't want to bribe.

Personally, I think MOST 12 year olds that I see have them, and I think it could be a great motivator.

 

[Luv2Scrap]

My son has had a cell phone since he was 9 (he's 13 now) - mostly so that I can be in touch with him. but if this kid really wants a cell phone, then that is his "currency", just like computer and video games was my son's currency. You have to find out what's important to them.

A promise of his own phone if he can show he's responsible enough to pull his grades up could very well be what would motivate him to get back on track, and then when he gets the phone, KEEPING the phone in his possession could motivate him to STAY on track.

 

[NAB]

Curious- do your 12 year olds have cell phones? He REALLY wants one, but again, she doesn't want to bribe.

Personally, I think MOST 12 year olds that I see have them, and I think it could be a great motivator.

Yes mine does because he goes out with friends is always late coming home. This way I know where he is most times (if he isn't lying about where he is you just don't know that either).. And phone him and say get the heck home.

Having said that I sometimes wish he didn't. The thing is always going off and he is always texing friends. That is the first thing to go when he gets grounded. But if you don't take the computer he will just be on MNS or facebook talking to his friends. Like I said that is all that he cares about right now , friends even girlfriends.

What are his interets ? What is he doing instead of his homework?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes! Organization works wonders.

Now granted my dd had some other issues however what is keeping her on top of things and not freaking out is organization.

She uses the planner to write down the assignments and she also writes out how much she is going to do on that day if it is a packet/project.

Then she transfers her due dates, appointments, etc. to her calendar which we have on the fridge, just for her.

Then she has a set time to begin homework. She starts at 4:30 because she says she needs downtime after school.

As far as doing her homework, she has a timer in which she sets for 30mins and then takes a 15min break and then repeats this until her planned homework is done.

She came up with this method for herself with her counselor. Now she looks at her calendar and says, no wonder I could not get things done and freaked out. It is too much to remember.

 

[Luv2Scrap]

Yes! Organization works wonders.

Now granted my dd had some other issues however what is keeping her on top of things and not freaking out is organization.

She uses the planner to write down the assignments and she also writes out how much she is going to do on that day if it is a packet/project.

Then she transfers her due dates, appointments, etc. to her calendar which we have on the fridge, just for her.

Then she has a set time to begin homework. She starts at 4:30 because she says she needs downtime after school.
As far as doing her homework, she has a timer in which she sets for 30mins and then takes a 15min break and then repeats this until her planned homework is done.

She came up with this method for herself with her counselor. Now she looks at her calendar and says, no wonder I could not get things done and freaked out. It is too much to remember.

My son does the same.

 

[Luv2Scrap]

She thinks he should do his homework 'because he has to' and not need any extra incentive.

I forgot I wanted to comment on this... in theory, this sounds good, but I honestly don't see anything wrong with extra incentive, when done properly. Like allowing him to have a phone when he can show that he's being responsible about his school work. Tell him this, so he knows he has something to work towards.

Even adults will work harder when there is extra incentive involved. The smart companies know this and use it to their advantage.