Help, my 7yr boy is getting out of control

[wifey1220]

My little boy is getting into so much trouble. I don't know what to do with him.
The bus driver has threatened to kick him off of the bus because he doesn't listen. He is constantly hurting his brother and our dogs. When ever he uses a public restroom he gets in trouble. (locking all the stall doors, turning out lights on people, ect) And now a little girl just rang my door bell to tell me ds hit her on the school bus yesterday. My neighbors don't invite us over anymore because of his behavior. One day we were at a bbq, ds went in the house to go to the bathroom, but didn't come out for a while. When we went looking for him we noticed he locked every door in the house so no one could get it. he also locked me out one day. I don't understand why he is doing this stuff and I don't know how to deal with him. I have prayed for patience and I am trying to be calm and redirect his energy. But I am loosing it!!! Does anyone have expeiracne w/ out of control kids. I need advice...

 

[thegrimdwarf]

Do you punish him for any of this behavior?

 

[dogodisney]

Have you talked to his teacher? How is he at school? When did he start acting like this?
Has anything tragic or has there been anything that has changed in his life?
There may be an underlying reason for his actions.

 

[wifey1220]

Yes we have punished him. Lots of timeouts. We have taken away video games. His favorite toys (legos). And today I took away tv. And he has gotten the occasional butt smack (from my husband).

His teacher says he doesn't act out in class. I have talked to her and she calls me to let me know of any problems. He has trouble at recess and on the bus. He hurts the other kids. Hitting pushing and he always laughs about after.

Nothing has chaged at home. itry so hard to give both my boys equal attention. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I am so upset. I cry at night when I go to bed. And I get terrible stress headaches. He can be so sweet. When I get headaches he lays with me and gets me water or medicince.

I know he can be a good boy. Which is why I have strated redirecting his energy. sometimes it works. Punishing hasn't been working very well.

 

[Aliceacc]

Talk to HIM about it. During a moment when he's being good, sit down for a mother-son talk. No tears, just talk.

Tell him that it ends NOW. His behavior has been a problem, and no longer will be one. Ask him why he's hurting others. Doesn't he WANT friends? Does he want to have to get up early and WALK to school? Talk about natural consequences-- what will logically happen as a result of his behavior.

And listen. Really listen. Find out his take on what's going on. Kids can be remarkably perceptive. Don't settle for "I don't know." He's 7; he DOES know.

Apparently time outs don't work for him. So figure out what does-- ask his input here too. Figure out what he values and talk about losing it. For example, I assume he loves the dog. Let him know that you will not permit the dog to live in a household where it's in danger, or in danger of biting someone because it has been provoked. So if he hurts the dog again, you're going to have to give the dog away. (But be prepared to follow through. The next time he misbehaves, an ad goes into the paper, he pays for it and you show it to him. This is your one and only chance at a bluff here-- you can always decide not follow through.)

Let him know that the family is not going to suffer because of his bad behavior. You and your husband may take turns staying home with him, but his brother is NOT going to miss out on neighborhood events because of him.

Also, your post mentions free dining. Let him know that he is NOT going to control the family's upcoming trip. If necessary, you'll again double team him-- one parent will stay at Pop with him if necessay, but he will NOT ruin this trip!!! Warning: you will most likely have to follow through here.

Good luck. I know it's hard; it would be so much easier if they came with instruction manuals!!!

 

[thegrimdwarf]

Yes we have punished him. Lots of timeouts. We have taken away video games. His favorite toys (legos). And today I took away tv. And he has gotten the occasional butt smack (from my husband).

Does he get the stuff back? I've sent 2 "favorite" toys of DS4 right to the dump (a remote control Cars car, and one of his Leapster cartidges), and they'll never be replaced, because he chose to behave in a way that wasn't acceptable (biting).

I honestly feel that negotiating good behavior with a 7 year old is unrealistic, so I wouldn't have the big talk the prior poster recommended - I would simply tell him the next time X, Y, Z happens, A, B, and/or C gets taken away permanently. And mean it. A child will test a parent until a line is drawn that can't be crossed. Pushing as hard as he does at such a young age makes me think you need to really buckle down now or his teen years are going to be incredibly hard.

Good luck!

 

[AndyMcV]

Hi wifey1220

I saw your post and had to respond after seeing some of the replies. I think you really have something that needs to be stopped before it gets any worse. It sounds like your son is a good little guy but needs some help to get back on track. I could offer my advice to you but it would be totally uneducated. What I'd suggest to you is to see someone who better understands these types of issues. I'd start with your doctor or pediatrican. They can be a world of resource and helpful advice.

Andy

 

[Aliceacc]

I honestly feel that negotiating good behavior with a 7 year old is unrealistic, I wouldn't have the big talk the prior poster recommended -
Good luck!

I'm sorry, I guess I wasn't clear. I wasn't talking about negotiations.

But I think he should know what's coming, and what the consequences will be. That way, when the toys go to the dump or the door comes off his room or the ad is in the paper giving away the dog-- it's a result of his behavior, not because you're cranky or mad or anything else he can blame on someone else. He needs to learn to think about the consequences before he acts, but he'll have to know that the rules have changed in order for that to happen.

I agree with you-- the only negotiations my kids get are the "Do we want Carvel or Friendlys?" kinds of decisions. The parenting ones-- bedtimes and behavior and consequences-- those are ours.

 

[wifey1220]

Thanks for all your advice.
It is making me feel better just talking to someone. My hubby kinda blows it off . He is not a big talker. I told him the little girl up the street came to say DS hit her and he just ignored it. I kinda feel like I am on my own.
i know one of my big problems is flollowing through with my threats, I give in way too quickly.

 

[Magic Mom]

Hi wifey1220
What I'd suggest to you is to see someone who better understands these types of issues. I'd start with your doctor or pediatrican. They can be a world of resource and helpful advice.

Andy

I think this is wonderful advice. Seek out some outside help for this before he gets older and even harder to control. There's no shame in asking for help.

 

[thegrimdwarf]

Thanks for all your advice.
It is making me feel better just talking to someone. My hubby kinda blows it off . He is not a big talker. I told him the little girl up the street came to say DS hit her and he just ignored it. I kinda feel like I am on my own.
i know one of my big problems is flollowing through with my threats, I give in way too quickly.

It's hard to be the "Bad Guy", especially if your spouse is blowing it off.

I'd tell you what my first step for today would be - get your 7 year old and drag him up the street to apologize to that little girl. And I'd speak with her parents, just to let them know you understand there was an incident and that you found the behavior unacceptable. If it's shames your son to see you standing with you hat in your hand, all the better.

 

[dogodisney]

It's hard to be the "Bad Guy", especially if your spouse is blowing it off.

I'd tell you what my first step for today would be - get your 7 year old and drag him up the street to apologize to that little girl. And I'd speak with her parents, just to let them know you understand there was an incident and that you found the behavior unacceptable. If it's shames your son to see you standing with you hat in your hand, all the better.

That is a good idea.
It will also show him (and the girl's parents) that you don't condone that type of behavior.

He's also not too old for time outs.

 

[delmar411]

honestly this sounds like less of him being a 'bad boy' and more along the lines of serious behavior issues. I would get him into the ped first thing on Monday morning and not leave there until you have an appt set with someone who is trained to evaluate his behaviors. 7 is too old to think that these things are no big deal and some of the things you mentioned he is doing seem as if maybe his impulse control just isn't kicking in gear when it needs to.

I can hear the frustration in your post and I understand how hard it can be when you just don't know what to do and where to turn to help your child while at the same time being embarrassed that they are acting out in inappropriate ways. It can be quite paralyzing.

I hope you are able to get the help your son needs and that your DH gets on board to help him as well.

 

[hildarumpole]

It could be some sort of allergy or food intolerance. My nephew is like Jekyll and Hyde if he eats chocolate. It took over a year to get to the source of his problem, including counseling. The therapist was the one who suggested a food problem and it worked. He stopped eating a particular food each week until his behavior improved. Every new school year, the teacher has to learn the hard way. Last fall he wound up suspended for 3 days after a birthday treat sent him into a wild tizzy and he hit a girl. It's in his files that he cannot have chocolate, but people can't seem to believe it causes so many problems for him.

 

[newtowdw1]

I have more trouble with my DD. We have had success with responsibility charts. Straight forward, yes or no check marks. No room for ambiguity or manipulation.

We sit her down (DH and I), allowing no interruptions. We lay down the law. We explain the consequences. We follow through. She's always had trouble leaving others alone, so I told her that if she can't keep her hands to herself, she's not safe for little pets, and I would take her guinea pig away. So, when she kicked her friend in the hall at school, they both got sent to the principal, they were both late for the bus to the after school program. As promised, I took her guinea pig away for a week (it went to my room at school). I told her the next time, it's gone for good. There's been no next time.


In this case, I would have two separate talks. One with DH, and you lay down the law. Write out the goals of the new regime, and the consequences. Post them on the fridge, chalkboard, family communication center. DH has to be there so your DS knows this is a family plan.

The next talk is with your son in a cozy what's wrong atmosphere. DD has a very mean group of girls at school. She has social issues. Usually she acts worst when she is most lonely and isolated. In no way do I condone her ooc behavior, but I do love her and empathize with her feelings. This allows us to role play how to respond appropriately.
I also realized that DD needed something to love and care for.
We got DD a guinea pig to take care of when she was 7. She did a beautiful job of socializing him. I think your son needs MORE responsibility. Increase your expectations of him.

I also think, if this is new behavior, you need to go to the doctor.
Good luck

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

I feel for what you are going through. While I am not going through the same thing I find that since I am with the kids more than DH I tend to be the disciplinarian. He is Mr. Nice Guy. I finally told him that I need him to be on the same team as me. He has to back me up or the kids will play us against each other. Whenever possible we try to talk to eachother before we speak to the kids, but when that can't happen than he tries to back me up.

You need to speak to you DH and get him on the same page as you. If these are behavior issues than they can get worse as your son gets older and bigger. You want to get control now before it gets harder.

Good luck to you!

 

[surfgirl]

tough love here.

If you feel better about it by posting about it on an anonymous posting board, you've got a problem by letting it go. DON'T LET IT GO. If you admit to us that you don't follow through on threats, then you are letting him get away with it. If we were at someone's house and he locked the doors, we would march, and I mean, march home immediately. If he locks the doors in bathrooms, he wouldn't be allowed in the men's room alone again.

Honestly, if my kids were anywhere near your DS and he hit them, I'd be teaching them to avoid it. He's clearing getting away with unacceptable behavior. He's 7! He should know better.

He sounds frustrated. If this is new behavior something is going on. It might be physical (allergies, food sensitivity), it might be emotional/mental (schoolwork is hard, friends at school are challenging, sports might be hard).

How is his school work ? If he is 7, he's either 1st or 2nd. They definitely kick it up a notch with regard to work in those grades. No more 'playing' like K.

I would also seek professional advice. Do you want to raise a (insert mean guy here -- Dahmer, Columbine, etc.) person ?

I know you are frustrated. Your DH also needs to see that this is totally unacepptable behavior. Honestly, my 4yo knows to behave better. When we see people mis-behave in public, we talk about how we'd be leaving if they acted that way.

If you have a trip to Disney planned, don't threaten leaving the parks UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO DO SO! I would encourage him to make his mistakes and poor behaviors in low-consequence situations. For example, run an errand to the mall... talk about how you can get a soft-pretzel... or popcorn... or ice cream. If you sense that he is going down the path of mis-behaving, LET HIM! Warn him once. Then leave. Immediately. No treat. Next time, you have an example to talk about... 'remember when we had to leave the mall b/c ...' if he does it again, pull the privilege again. Trust me, if you are consistent, he will remember it.

I know I'm being tough with you and I get that you are frustrated, but don't let blowing off the frustration on a posting board make you see that it is okay. I know you are tired and its hard to be consistent, but you can do it. Just tomorrow. And after that, just the next day. And after that, just the next time. It will help.

good luck (sorry to be the ogre, but you asked for advice... I'm giving mine).


eta: btw, after re-reading your post, the scariest thing is that he hurts other kids and pets and thinks it is funny. That is why I think he needs professional help now.

 

[a82allison]

I'm a Spec. Ed teacher, so I see a lot of behavior issues. I know that what you are going through is frustrating and difficult, but I want to strongly urge you to talk to your pediatrician. When a child begins hurting other people and animals, it is very serious and can escalate quickly. There is a root to his behavior somewhere, your pediatrician can help you find it. If your pediatrician is not helpful, then go get a second opinion. There could be a physical or environmental cause, or it could be a psychological cause...whichever it is, you need to find out so that it can be *treated* whether by behavioral interventions or even medication if need be.

Go talk to your ped.

 

[stacy6552]

If he behaves at school, but not on the bus it sounds like serious supervision issues. You can have him evaluated, if you like, but the fact that its situational indicates that he doesnt have a disability. have the bus driver assign him the front seat on the bus. Do not send him anywhere unsupervised. Anywhere. He shouldnt have time to lock bathroom stalls or house doors. He's 7. Life for him is a dictatorship, not a democracy.

 

[jessp1021]

geesh it is like you are a carbon copy of what is going on in our home.. and I mean down to a tee.. i.e. hurting others, LAUGHING about his behavior, and then being beyond sweet.. Mine is almost 7 and he is on the verge of shock being suspended bc when another child makes him angry he decides to do whatever he would like to them.. he is in therapy and has been diagnosed with a few things but he has also survived being beaten by his bio dad so that adds to what he has going on.. In our situations it can be very hard bc they are soooo young and we want to believe that everything will be ok.. I too have tried all those great discipline techniques as you have. Honestly I am in no position to give you advice other than you need to call your ped MONDAY and tell them what has been going on and ask them to refer you to someone who can help you guys out. My little boy is a very sweet and loving child as well but he does have issues that we are going to have to work through. I will pray that God works through your family and that your ped sets you up with a great child therapist that can help both you and your son and that DH can be there to support you as well.. Oh and btw if you ever need someone to talk to you are more than welcome to pm me.. I am in the same position as you so I can relate quite well as to how you feel. ((hugs))