Help, my 7yr boy is getting out of control

[grlpwrd]

Have you heard of John Rosemond? I suggest reading one of his books. He is outstanding, and his philosophy is simple. " You are going to do what I say because I am the parent." no negotiating or time outs. There is more to his theory that you would need to read. I am a teacher and Love my kids and they love me. It is all about respect. WE respect each other, and not allow others to disrespect them. I suggest to read his books, search him online. He speaks around the country and he works.

This may not be a simple parenting issue.

I am all for discipline, but the 7yo may actually have serious issues that only a professional can address and treat.

 

[jinia]

Hi wifey1220

I saw your post and had to respond after seeing some of the replies. I think you really have something that needs to be stopped before it gets any worse. It sounds like your son is a good little guy but needs some help to get back on track. I could offer my advice to you but it would be totally uneducated. What I'd suggest to you is to see someone who better understands these types of issues. I'd start with your doctor or pediatrican. They can be a world of resource and helpful advice.

Andy

I agree 100% - please visit a qualified person for help...

 

[lady9]

Your post could have been written by my brother. Your DS sounds just like my nephew who, by the way, is off the bus for a week due to bad behavior. This however, is the first of the really bad behavior we have seen for about 2 months so what his parents are doing, does seem to work.

1. He was evaluated by a pediatric therapist and now sees him once a week, soon to be cut down to twice a month.
2. Everything he owned, tv, toys, games, anything except books, was removed from his sight and, when needed, was used only in the supervision of an adult. He does have 3 other brothers and was not permitted to go into the rec. room to play.
3. He earned "Behavior Buck" for good behavior. At first, this took a lot of time because he had to be occupied by an adult. The adult dictated what was going to be played like a game (no video games, the "old fashion" board games). When he showed good behavior by saying something nice or being a graceful loser, he earned "Behavior Bucks".
4. After earning the "bucks", they can't be taken away. He can trade in the "bucks" for tv time, a toy returned, special privileges like spending the night at Grammy's.
5. His teacher is wonderful and charts his behavior at school every hour. For every smiley he has, he gets a "buck". The bus driver sends a smile or frown card home to indicate the bus behavior.
6. When out of the house, with his parents or family member, he carries a small clip board. For every 20-30 minutes he's doing what he is suppose to be doing, he gets a smile on the clipboard circled. He earns a "buck" for each one of those.
7. The therapist said to focus on only good behavior, remove him from the situation if bad behavior occurs and take him immediately home to his room.
8. It took a lot of time but it is working. When he didn't have any toys or tv, he needed to be supervised or played with by an adult. This was good because he got a lot of positive attention from people who loved him. We are a close family and I don't have children yet, so I played or rode bikes with him a lot.

My take on the whole thing was he needed attention and felt "lost in a big family but I don't really know what caused it.

He's a different kid and we are so blessed by the help we received. Good luck to you, I hope you find an answer.

 

[Iott Family]

I'm sorry, I guess I wasn't clear. I wasn't talking about negotiations.

But I think he should know what's coming, and what the consequences will be. That way, when the toys go to the dump or the door comes off his room or the ad is in the paper giving away the dog-- it's a result of his behavior, not because you're cranky or mad or anything else he can blame on someone else. He needs to learn to think about the consequences before he acts, but he'll have to know that the rules have changed in order for that to happen.

I agree with you-- the only negotiations my kids get are the "Do we want Carvel or Friendlys?" kinds of decisions. The parenting ones-- bedtimes and behavior and consequences-- those are ours.

I agree with this poster. As a mom of four ages 2-12 I know w/o a doubt that a 7yr old understands his action sand should understand that there are consequences. No negotiating, just telling him is what Aliceac was, i believe. Tell him what he did wrong and what he can expect in the future. These are his consequences. Simple!
I also wanted to add that kids dont act out repeatedly w/o a reason. Back to the good old cause and effect.

 

[bigbabyblues]

Not much advice, but I saw your post that you give in easily.....you have to stop that. You have to make the consequences stick, no matter what. It's not easy, but he knows that. He knows you aren't going to follow through.

It's NOT easy, I know. My boys are 7 and 4, and I'm learning it over and over. I'm fortunate that my DH and I see pretty much eye-to-eye on this; I can't imagine not having that support. You need to make the rules and make them stick. Yes, it can inconvenience you and may cause you to miss out on some things, but too bad.

I agree with others who said you might want to talk with his ped to make sure there isn't something else, like an allergy or intolerance of some kind going on. The bottom line is, he's out of control and you and DH are going to have to be the bad guys and get him back in control. I would not take him to WDW on vacation if the behavior doesn't improve. That is a privelege, not a right, and it can be taken away. I'm not trying to slam you in any way, but tough love is in need, after you make sure there are no medical/psychological issues you don't know about.

 

[dzorn]

DD is autistic so I know about behavior issues. By all means have in evaluated by a behavorial pediatrician.

Never threaten a consequence if you will not follow through.

I repeat Never threaten a consequence if you will not follow through

We use the counting method. State what is needed if directions are not followed start counting at 1. At 3 give the consequence of not following direction. At 5 FOLLOW THROUGH.

I adjust the speed of counting to how quickly she responds.

Good Luck the sooner you get it under control the easier the teen years will be. Also have a long talk with DH he needs to be onboard if you expect any change.

Denise in MI

Denise in MI

 

[JennCa]

I am sorry you are going through this. I've been a teacher for many years, and I am deeply concerned when someone purposely hurts others and animals. It usually leads to much bigger problems that you don't want to imagine!

Does he feel/have no remorse or is he attention seeking by these behaviors? Think about who he "behaves" for and who he doesn't. What common traits do they have?

Behavior modification is more difficult when only one parent is involved, but it can be done. I use logical consequences when possible, and try to emphasize the positive. What does he want? Is he looking for time with you and your hubby? Children need clear guidelines/expectations and consequences for their actions, both good and not. Hurting others/animals needs to have a zero tolerance. Even after he makes changes and starts to improve socially it may take a while for the other kids to feel comfortable around him so don't expect radiical changes from the others immediately. If he can't be around others without supervision, you may need to supervise. If riding the bus is endangering others, can you think of another solution?

I would talk to the school and see if you can get any referrals. If not I'd immediately call a professional in your area who has experience. Of course you need to rule out any medical issues.

Sending you hugs : ) I know it is tough to deal with, but the younger the child the easier it is to get a system/routine in place in my opinion.

 

[feedthebirds]

Your son sounds a lot like my cousin's boy. He ended up being bit in the face by one of their dogs. His issues ended up being food allergies. It took them a while to figure it all out, he first was referred to a therapist and then a medical specialist (can't remember the exact title). After a long journey and a lot of research, he is now on the Feingold diet and it has worked wonders. She has since met others on that program and has a lot of support.

I know this is not easy to go through, sending you positive thoughts and hugs.

 

[SweetAmy31]

To the OP: I was wondering if you had an update....as to whether you took him to the doctor, if they suggested anything, are thigns getting any better?

I ask cause your story obviously touched the hearts of many and hits very close to home for alot of us.

Please keep us updated. Your in our thoughts and prayers.

 

[bellebud]

To the OP: I was wondering if you had an update....as to whether you took him to the doctor, if they suggested anything, are thigns getting any better?

I ask cause your story obviously touched the hearts of many and hits very close to home for alot of us.

Please keep us updated. Your in our thoughts and prayers.

ditto! Please give us an update if you want to.

 

[wifey1220]

Well I talked to his teacher and ped. The teacher doesn't have any behavior problems w/ him. The problems are limited to the bus. She says he is a very good boy. The ped thinks he has an iron defiancy and stomach problems and has put him on some meds. I have watched lots of super nanny and feel the problem is me. I am far too emotional... I have had lots of emotional issues and haven't been happy with myself for quite a while. I think my feeling of being unapprecited and not having a support system took its toll on the whole family. DS had some issues when he was 4. Right after we moved, just had little brother, and major fight w/ inlaws. He never had trouble at school just at home . After things calmed down he started behaving again. I am using all of supernanny's advice. I gave the kids chores both of them. I have stopped babying the 3yr old. He was getting away w/ too much. I have rules and chores posted. I took away tv, computers and videogames. DS punishment no electronics till June. I am sticking to this. DH already tried to let DS watch tv. He thought watching a movie together would be good quality time. I would not allow it and made them go shoot hoops. One of DS favorite things to do. So far we have had no tv since Saturday. i am sooooo tired. We go to bed at 8pm. Another thing I brought back bedtime. I was letting the kids stay up late. No more!! We play board games, basketball, hockey, color, do tons of crafts and bake. Right now my 2 boys are playing hide and seek. No fighting no crying. They have been w/o me for about 45min. That hasn't happened in about a month or 2. Whenever there a problem I stop it before it gets out of control like supper nanny says. I get down to there level and use a stern voice. no more yelling or crying or walking away and giving up.I used to feel like I was good mom. I thought wow this is what GOD wanted me to be. Lately I havn't felt that way. But this week those feelings are coming back. me and the boys enjoy being together. I am happy and so are they. DS hasn't even fought to watch tv he is ok w/ the punishment. Thanks for all your advice but I think I am doing the right thing. I just have to stick to it. So now I must get off the computer, it is my turn to count.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Well I talked to his teacher and ped. The teacher doesn't have any behavior problems w/ him. The problems are limited to the bus. She says he is a very good boy. The ped thinks he has an iron defiancy and stomach problems and has put him on some meds. I have watched lots of super nanny and feel the problem is me. I am far too emotional... I have had lots of emotional issues and haven't been happy with myself for quite a while. I think my feeling of being unapprecited and not having a support system took its toll on the whole family. DS had some issues when he was 4. Right after we moved, just had little brother, and major fight w/ inlaws. He never had trouble at school just at home . After things calmed down he started behaving again. I am using all of supernanny's advice. I gave the kids chores both of them. I have stopped babying the 3yr old. He was getting away w/ too much. I have rules and chores posted. I took away tv, computers and videogames. DS punishment no electronics till June. I am sticking to this. DH already tried to let DS watch tv. He thought watching a movie together would be good quality time. I would not allow it and made them go shoot hoops. One of DS favorite things to do. So far we have had no tv since Saturday. i am sooooo tired. We go to bed at 8pm. Another thing I brought back bedtime. I was letting the kids stay up late. No more!! We play board games, basketball, hockey, color, do tons of crafts and bake. Right now my 2 boys are playing hide and seek. No fighting no crying. They have been w/o me for about 45min. That hasn't happened in about a month or 2. Whenever there a problem I stop it before it gets out of control like supper nanny says. I get down to there level and use a stern voice. no more yelling or crying or walking away and giving up.I used to feel like I was good mom. I thought wow this is what GOD wanted me to be. Lately I havn't felt that way. But this week those feelings are coming back. me and the boys enjoy being together. I am happy and so are they. DS hasn't even fought to watch tv he is ok w/ the punishment. Thanks for all your advice but I think I am doing the right thing. I just have to stick to it. So now I must get off the computer, it is my turn to count.

I'm glad it's working out for all of you.

 

[JeanfromBNA]

Congratulations on the new backbone and the courage to follow through!

 

[badblackpug]

Try the book "1-2-3 Magic" It is great! It really works, and it helps to teach parents about firm limit setting and not becoming emotional or getting caught in an argument or power struggle with the child. Good Luck!

 

[meandtheguys2]

wifey, please understand that when you attempt to change behaviors, they oftentimes get worse for a time period, as the new boundaries are tested. So, please do not get discouraged, and remain consistent!

Good luck!

 

[adell557]

I think this is wonderful advice. Seek out some outside help for this before he gets older and even harder to control. There's no shame in asking for help.

I agree with this, my husband is a behavioral therapist, and if your insurance will cover it, and alot of them do fro a certain number of sessions, take him in to see a CHILD therapist, make sure they have a specialty with kids. In my opinion, there is something else going on. And it is difficult for a 7 year old to express their feelings clearly. Nip it in the bud now, you will be glad you did. If you are crying at night and getting headaches b/c of this, it is beyond your ability to make a change with him, I know from personal experience. It does not mean you are a bad mother, it means you are in tune with your child and can make the decision when he needs outside help.
You have to say "screw what everyone else may think and do what is best for your child"

If a professional therapist isn't an option check into services through your child's school.

 

[GrammyJudy]

Yes we have punished him. Lots of timeouts. We have taken away video games. His favorite toys (legos). And today I took away tv. And he has gotten the occasional butt smack (from my husband).

His teacher says he doesn't act out in class. I have talked to her and she calls me to let me know of any problems. He has trouble at recess and on the bus. He hurts the other kids. Hitting pushing and he always laughs about after.

Nothing has chaged at home. itry so hard to give both my boys equal attention. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I am so upset. I cry at night when I go to bed. And I get terrible stress headaches. He can be so sweet. When I get headaches he lays with me and gets me water or medicince.

I know he can be a good boy. Which is why I have strated redirecting his energy. sometimes it works. Punishing hasn't been working very well.

TAKEHIM TO A REPUTABLE COUNSELOR NOW, SOMETHING IS WRONG AND YOU NEED HELP

 

[Starr W.]

Thanks for all your advice.
It is making me feel better just talking to someone. My hubby kinda blows it off . He is not a big talker. I told him the little girl up the street came to say DS hit her and he just ignored it. I kinda feel like I am on my own.
i know one of my big problems is flollowing through with my threats, I give in way too quickly.

My just turned 7 yr. old can be a handful. I'm the firm one with him. I've taken him out of restaurants when he's acted up, DH can say it and it just rolls off his back. I think that's because DH never follows through with any of the punishments. I'm the one who keeps him off the computer or takes away his Bionicles for periods of time. DH is much harder on our 11 yr old, who is a good kid. Then I have to step in and kind of decrease the punishment.

It's tough, but if you say something to him you need to follow through. The leaving the restaurant trick only took 2x before he realized I would do it. He's pretty good now, but I did have to drag both of them out of Panera's because the youngest was trying to go into the women's restroom and the elder one was trying to stop him. You could hear them all through the place.

 

[cnlmom]

to the OP....I read your update and I am so proud of the changes you have implemented....such a great start in the right direction. I to had some similar issues, DD7 had some frusterating and serious behavioral issues (horrible tantrums that lasted hours, would not stay in time out, argued and screamed about EVERYTHING and acted like a spolied rotten disrespectful dare I say it....brat...... I was to firm and hubby to easygoing. We sabatoged each other without realizing it. We all were miserable, DD included.
I am a huge advocate of the 1 2 3 Magic program by Dr. Phelan. You can check this book from the library, ours even has the DVD, which is quite entertaining. It helped save our sanity. I cannot believe I argued with a 7 year old. I read every book on parenting available, was sure I was raising a horid delinquent that had every know diagnosis imaginable and it turned out, with a few techinques we changed how we parented and today things are not perfect but so much better.
We also tried something a bit new and upcomming.....we sent our daughter to Occupational Therapy, I did not even know this was something for behavioral issues (always though like rehab for physical issues)....but turns outit worked for her. I have no idea, even after research, how exactly it works, but the way I understand it in simple terms is by using different muscles you can release tension and help with sensitivity issues among other things.....I dare not try to explain more because it simply will not make sense, but for our family this worked.
I read where you wrote you feel some of it is your parenting style and I can tell you for us it absolutely was......it was made worse cause my DS 4 is the perfect child so we for a while were convinced it was her, but in all reality it was US. We had to learn to parent for the INDIVIDUAL child and our DD needed a very different type of parent than we were at the time.
Keep positive, be firm and loving and if nothing else, read a copy of 123 magic.....it is easy reading that really is magic. I know you can do this, I am sure you are a great parent, you just need some guidance!!!

 

[lacrossemom]

Call the Ped on Monday. I work with 6th, 7th and 8th graders who are in a step program, which is part of our public school system. The step program is made up of kids who were removed from their home school for one reason or another. Usually behavior problems. These kids have to go through a slow progress of returning to regular classes, under the supervision of Spec. Ed. Assistants. This process usually takes around 2 to 3 years, even then some of them never return to their home schools. Most of their behavior problems started when they were in elementary school.