Help, my 7yr boy is getting out of control

[SweetAmy31]

I am a single mom with 2 boys who have gone through alot. My oldest had to be in counseling at 4 years old for hurting himself and behavior issues. After a year of counseling, sticker charts, responsibility charts, time outs, losing toys, etc, he finally got it, and is doing GREAT! Now my 5 yr old (the younger one) is having very severe behavior issues too. I can completely understand!

Talking to others in the same boat helps alot. Please PM me if you ever need to chat.

As far advice, I had to learn the hard way to follow through with any threats i made. I always gave in before because i didnt want to be the bad guy! Now my kids know i'm serious. I even went so far as to put a lock on their toy room and they needed to "earn" their way back in. They scrubed my kitchen floor on their hands and knees, they've cleaned rooms, lost toys, and are finally starting to get it.

Following through with your threats is sometimes heartbreaking and exhausting, but trust me when i say it pays off in the long run. My kids may hate me sometimes, but they respect me 99% the time. I never use hitting or anything, just actual consequences. If you pour your food on the floor and laugh, you scrub the whole floor! If you hit someone on the bus, you lose a toy...for good. I dont throw the toys out, they go to the SalVal or a daycare center. The toys go to ppl who will appreciate them.

Also seeking outside help. I'm not proud that my son was in counseling at 4 yrs old, but he's a better person for it today, so I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Hope this helps!

 

[SweetAmy31]

I agree with others to make him miss things.

We do family rollerskating every saturday night with his friends and mine. When he got all mouthy with me one saturday, i left him with my parents and we went w/o him. When i picked him up he laughed and said he had a better time at my folks house anyway. He got sent to bed at 7:00 that night (wknd bedtime is like 10), while his friends who were at my house that night played with his toys. He was miserable, but got the point. He's never missed a skate night since. His friends were upset that he couldnt play, but discipline has to come first.

Good luck!!!

 

[ericamcl]

I don't have any kids of my own yet, and I'm not sure if this is much help or not, but my sister was having similar problems with my nephew (minus the hurting pets, etc.)

She took him to the pediatrician, who then referred her to a child behavioral specialist....he's not ADD, ADHD or any thing like his teacher thought though, he was "too smart" for his "own good", if that makes sense?

He's an only child, and we were all guilty of letting him get away with everything, which is where a lot of the problem started. He wanted explanations as to why he was in trouble, why he should listen, why can't he X, Y, Z, etc. and he wanted them NOW. He wasn't going to cooperate UNTIL you gave him what he wanted.

At the suggestion of the doctor we're now on a counting system....you ask him to do something or whatever, and he doesn't listen you count to 5, then repeat your request if he doesn't oblige the first time. After counting to 5 the 2nd time it's hand over hand (you literally take his hand and walk him to where ever it is you needed him to go, do, etc.) and he loses one of his prized possessions for an appropriate period of time. (on a sidenote here, it's amazing how quickly he'll listen to her now when the Wii that he bought with his OWN money is in danger of a time out...boy does he straighten up quick ) The MOST important thing with this though, is that everyone has to follow through and be on the same program.

Kids like my nephew know how to manipulate people...he thinks well, if mommy says no, i'll call my grandma and my grandma will make her let me, or daddy will do it, or aunt Erica will let me, etc.
He's not a BAD kid..he's just smart enough to know how to get people to do what he wants. Truth be told, it was hard for me to commit to the system when my sister first presented it to me. (that kid is my heart and I'll do whatever he asks..and he knows it...he wants to go to Disney World for his birthday...he asks aunt Erica and with in a week of the request, BOOM it's booked...man I'm a sucker )

After dealing with it for a few months though, I realize that it's important that all of the people who have regular interaction with him follow through regardless of how much he whines, cries, yells, etc. and, even though we've only been doing it for a few months,there is already a great deal of improvement.

Sorry for all of the ramble, I agree with one of the previous posters, at 7 it's a dictatorship, not a democracy. There are reasons kids can't do some of the things they want to do...Good luck on finding out why your little guy is acting out

 

[grlpwrd]

My little boy is getting into so much trouble. I don't know what to do with him.
The bus driver has threatened to kick him off of the bus because he doesn't listen. He is constantly hurting his brother and our dogs. When ever he uses a public restroom he gets in trouble. (locking all the stall doors, turning out lights on people, ect) And now a little girl just rang my door bell to tell me ds hit her on the school bus yesterday. My neighbors don't invite us over anymore because of his behavior. One day we were at a bbq, ds went in the house to go to the bathroom, but didn't come out for a while. When we went looking for him we noticed he locked every door in the house so no one could get it. he also locked me out one day. I don't understand why he is doing this stuff and I don't know how to deal with him. I have prayed for patience and I am trying to be calm and redirect his energy. But I am loosing it!!! Does anyone have expeiracne w/ out of control kids. I need advice...

Yes we have punished him. Lots of timeouts. We have taken away video games. His favorite toys (legos). And today I took away tv. And he has gotten the occasional butt smack (from my husband).

His teacher says he doesn't act out in class. I have talked to her and she calls me to let me know of any problems. He has trouble at recess and on the bus. He hurts the other kids. Hitting pushing and he always laughs about after.

Nothing has chaged at home. itry so hard to give both my boys equal attention. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I am so upset. I cry at night when I go to bed. And I get terrible stress headaches. He can be so sweet. When I get headaches he lays with me and gets me water or medicince.

I know he can be a good boy. Which is why I have strated redirecting his energy. sometimes it works. Punishing hasn't been working very well.

Thanks for all your advice.
It is making me feel better just talking to someone. My hubby kinda blows it off . He is not a big talker. I told him the little girl up the street came to say DS hit her and he just ignored it. I kinda feel like I am on my own.
i know one of my big problems is flollowing through with my threats, I give in way too quickly.

Yes, it really does sound like professional intervention is necessary....and definitely get your husband on the same page.

GL!

 

[princessmom29]

If he behaves at school, but not on the bus it sounds like serious supervision issues. You can have him evaluated, if you like, but the fact that its situational indicates that he doesnt have a disability. have the bus driver assign him the front seat on the bus. Do not send him anywhere unsupervised. Anywhere. He shouldnt have time to lock bathroom stalls or house doors. He's 7. Life for him is a dictatorship, not a democracy.

As a teacher I am going to have to disagree with this. I have personally seen children with behavior disorders who do not manifest in certain situations. It is often not a lack of supervision. The OP's DS may have a teacher that he likes, respects, or just identifies with who he does not want to disappoint. Or it could be that the enviornment at school is more conducive to behaving, ie he is engaged in doing school work ect. I an in agreement with several pp's who said to seek professional help. Harming others without remorse is a huge red flag.

 

[crash2000]

this is our sitution, my 4 yr old started acting up, and I soon realized it was her only way to get attention, when she was behaving she was just another kid, but acting up got her attention... we now play with her, ride bikes together, and work on being a better parent, i also signed her up for karate at the age of 4, and this past april was her 1yr anniversary at karate, she loves it.

we as parents can see the results...

I wouldn't goto the doctor they're going to diagnose him with some disability and pump drugs into him...

 

[SweetAmy31]

this is our sitution, my 4 yr old started acting up, and I soon realized it was her only way to get attention, when she was behaving she was just another kid, but acting up got her attention... we now play with her, ride bikes together, and work on being a better parent, i also signed her up for karate at the age of 4, and this past april was her 1yr anniversary at karate, she loves it.

we as parents can see the results...

I wouldn't goto the doctor they're going to diagnose him with some disability and pump drugs into him...

No offense meant here...but doctors wont necessarily "pump" your kid with drugs unless you agree to it. You as the parent have the choice. Neither of my boys have ever taken anything and they both have had behavior issues, including my oldest who hurt himself when he got mad for awhile there. The counselor suggested them, but i followed through with the other remedies and luckily it never had to come to that.

Karate is a great thing thou and did help my oldest. It teaches self discipline and respect for others.

There are many non-drug alternatives to dealing with behavior issues and you wont know about any of them unless you start seeking out help.

 

[thegrimdwarf]

Here's a link for you, that will help you find someone more qualified to evaluate your child:

. My DS2 is set up for an evaluation next month, due to speech delay and sensory issues. I'd never heard of a developmental pediatrician until his speech therapist mentioned having him evaluated, so I'm passing it on - these docs are much more capable of uncovering root problems than a 'regular' pediatrician.

http://www.healthgrades.com/local-d...lty/pediatric-developmental-behavioral-health

 

[Magic Mom]

No offense meant here...but doctors wont necessarily "pump" your kid with drugs unless you agree to it. You as the parent have the choice. Neither of my boys have ever taken anything and they both have had behavior issues, including my oldest who hurt himself when he got mad for awhile there. The counselor suggested them, but i followed through with the other remedies and luckily it never had to come to that.

Karate is a great thing thou and did help my oldest. It teaches self discipline and respect for others.

There are many non-drug alternatives to dealing with behavior issues and you wont know about any of them unless you start seeking out help.

I agree.
Also, just because one doctor only suggests meds doesn't mean you can't get a second or even a third etc. opinion You can stand your ground and insist that you try non drug alternatives.
Doctors can also give a parent resources to help them modify their own behavior/actions.

 

[AndyMcV]

I agree.
Also, just because one doctor only suggests meds doesn't mean you can't get a second or even a third etc. opinion You can stand your ground and insist that you try non drug alternatives.
Doctors can also give a parent resources to help them modify their own behavior/actions.

This is very good advice Magic Mom. I really hope the OP just goes to see her son's pediatrican or doctor just to figure out what the next steps should be or could be for her and him.

 

[bellebud]

I'm just a mom, not a professional. I have a ds6 who is a handful, and a dd8 who is not a handful. In reading your post and all the replies, I'm torn... I agree that it seems situational (that he can control himself in class, and chooses the behaviors in other situations), BUT hurting the dogs and his brother and the kids on the bus and the girl down the street - it seems like you need more help than a time out is going to give you. I'd start at the ped, and go from there. I'd guess it's not something that he'd be 'diagnosed with' - again, just because it seems it *is* under his control when he acts out or not. BUT I also would guess something bigger is going on with him than normal 7 year old boy stuff. The hurting others and especially the dogs would worry me. I hope you find out what's going on, and please keep us posted.

 

[crash2000]

I would also like to add, how long before the dogs hurt back !

be careful with them...

 

[rt2dz]

I would first sit down with your DH and have a discussion that what is going on is unacceptable and get yourselves on the same page. This includes outlining the rules and the consequences and sharing it with your DS7 (more than old enough to understand). I always tell my kids that they control their behavior but I decide the consequences for that behavior (good or bad), so they'd better think carefully; if they want good things, they'd better behave well. We do positive and negative consequences. To help figure this stuff out, I really recommend the book Kids With Boundaries by Drs. Cloud & Townsend. And most importantly, you have to have the resolve to stick to your guns. When I ask my kids, "Do you really want to test me?" They say no, because I always have follow through. Your DS is capable because it is situational--he behaves at school.

Next, I'd consult a doctor--maybe a Pedi, maybe a psychologist, maybe both. Something is going on if this is a sudden change. You need to find out what it is. Maybe just sit down and talk to the school consoler, if your elementary school has one.

I would also sit down and talk to your DS. As a pp said when tension is down, maybe at bedtime. Find out how he feels when he does these things. Ask him why. Do it in a round about way. I walk my DS7 to school two miles. I start by asking him if he knows what they will do at school that day. Who he'll sit by at lunch. What is recess plans are, etc. We make it a game--He predicts his day via my questions and he asks me questions that will predict my day. About half way there, he is telling me all sorts of things. On the walk home, we see how right we were, and again, I learn a lot this way. It amazes me sometimes just how much he'll open up to me.

 

[disneymomof2boyz]

I don't have much more advice than what was already posted here.
All I want to do is send out *hugs* to you!! It's never easy being a mommy, we blame ourselves lots of times, and all I can say is take some time, even if it's 30minutes a day to relax and re-group. Being a mommy is the hardest and most rewarding job I've ever had.

 

[crash2000]

its also hard being a daddy !

 

[algg]

He is a troubled child, that behavior is not normal, if you and your husband do not do something now, the problems will only get worse and you will have an out of control teen. It is not normal for a child to hurt animals, (I am not meaning pulling on them once and awhile), it means he has some emotional issues. Please get help for him now before he hurts himself or someone else. As he gets bigger, the problems will only get bigger. My prayers are with you.

 

[krissylynne]

My little boy is getting into so much trouble. I don't know what to do with him.
The bus driver has threatened to kick him off of the bus because he doesn't listen. He is constantly hurting his brother and our dogs. When ever he uses a public restroom he gets in trouble. (locking all the stall doors, turning out lights on people, ect) And now a little girl just rang my door bell to tell me ds hit her on the school bus yesterday. My neighbors don't invite us over anymore because of his behavior. One day we were at a bbq, ds went in the house to go to the bathroom, but didn't come out for a while. When we went looking for him we noticed he locked every door in the house so no one could get it. he also locked me out one day. I don't understand why he is doing this stuff and I don't know how to deal with him. I have prayed for patience and I am trying to be calm and redirect his energy. But I am loosing it!!! Does anyone have expeiracne w/ out of control kids. I need advice...

Have you heard of John Rosemond? I suggest reading one of his books. He is outstanding, and his philosophy is simple. " You are going to do what I say because I am the parent." no negotiating or time outs. There is more to his theory that you would need to read. I am a teacher and Love my kids and they love me. It is all about respect. WE respect each other, and not allow others to disrespect them. I suggest to read his books, search him online. He speaks around the country and he works.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I am a Mom and not a professional so take my advice for what it's worth. Of course call the Ped and make sure there is no medical problem. Personally, from what you posted it seems like there is either not enough follow through from you and your DH. You stated that your DH blows it off. Your kid is 7. He knows that Dad doesn't care what he does so now it is no big deal to him. You discipline him but if you are being honest with yourself do you really follow through every single time? Or does your DH say "what's the big deal?" Kids are not dumb. They can see if the parents are not on the same page. If my child couldn't behave on the bus then I would be driving his butt to school and he would lose a privilage. Even if it inconvenienced me. If a neighborhood kid came to my door saying that my child hit them I would march his sorry self down there immediately to apologize. Then he would get punished. Your kid probably laughs because he knows that he is not going to really get in trouble because even Dad can't be bothered with the punishment. I am not flaming but he's 7. This is not going to get better as he gets older if he doesn't know any better. I hope it all works out for you.

 

[momof5boys]

Please talk to you're pediatrician then a psychiatrist, make both appts, he needs to see both. My 11y.o was diagnosed with ADHD last year,meds didn't help, he is sometimes ok and othertimes has "meltdowns" throwing stuff or crying inappropriaetly. His behavior is worse when he is around his peers. His psychologist at school noticed his eating habits(he is very picky) put it together with his behaviors and is now testing him for Aspergers. Please look that up as some of his behaviors sound like it(social problems, not being empathatic, ocd behaviors etc. Good luck it's hard to deal with, I finally have my DH listening to me as he can't be diciplined like other kids(time outs don't work )

 

[Gillian]

We have problems with our kids and it's been a struggle to figure out what kind of help to get and where. But it's necessary. BTW, my DD has some similar issues with our cats, but hasn't hit any kids. The cats swipe back.

Anyway, what I have found in getting people to listen to me was to write out my kids' issues clearly, and to remove emotion from them. If you can say my child:
1. is generally well-behaved in class
2. is mean to other kids on the bus and at recess
3. mean includes hitting people
4. laughs about it

or whatever but make it clear and non-emotional. State the facts.

Currently I'm trying to get help for my son, also 7. I find that if I emphasize his good behavior before mentioning the bad, it is taken more seriously.