Help Me--I'm Overprotective and Don't Know What To Do

[Christine]

I guess I need to have some perspective so I'm going to throw this out as a "what would you do?" I'll preface my story with this: I live in a suburb of Washington, DC. Very busy, very congested. My community consists of 4 separate neighborhoods all hooked together for a total of about 500 homes. Our streets are fairly busy, but not what I consider dangerously travelled.

Okay, I have a DD (12) and DS (9). DS (9) has fairly severe ADHD. He has been riding a bike since he was 5 and since DH is an avid biker, he goes with DS quite regularly. When I try to go on walks, I will also take DS with me on his bike so he can get some exercise, but it is a real drag for him because he has to go so slow. For those of you who have ADHD kids, you probably can guess that they are not often the safest bike riders!! Anyway, I noticed that DS was getting much better about being careful at stop signs, intersections, etc. I remember remarking to myself "hmmm, it might be time to let him go out on his own."

Well, this past weekend the situation came up. Our next door neighbor's kids asked DS to bike ride with them. They have a boy (age 10) and a girl (age 12). The boy is nice enough, but seems to look for trouble. The girl is very responsible. I figured since the girl was with them it might be okay. I gave my son strict instructions to stay in the neighborhood and to ride by the house on his trips around so that I could see him. As you probably can guess, 30 minutes went by and I NEVER saw them. Finally, I asked DH to go out on his bike and look for them. He rode around the neighborhood roughly 4 times and spent another 15 minutes looking for them. My next door neighbors could have cared less because they were in the house taking a nap. Finally, DH gets in his truck and goes out and FINDS DS. He was down in the creek in woods (it's actually like a thick forest) way behind our neighborhood. He had fallen in the creek and was wet up to his knees. He knows not to go there. He said that the next door boy called him "chicken" for not going to the creek. Both he and the other girl tried to resist but, according to my son, the other boy "just has this magic" that he cannot say no to. Egads.....So I told my son that he cannot watch his favorite program for two weeks and that he is not to go riding with that boy again. I feel really bad about this. My son obviously LOVED riding on his own, but obviously I cannot trust him with this boy.

Then there is the issue of safety. We have had far too many abductions in this area. Plus, at the elementary school my son attends, there have been 4 separate incidents of adults exposing themselves to children who are on the playground after school hours. I am really uncomfortable with sending him out for an hour out of my sight.

On top of all this, that same day my DD (age 12) asked if she could walk the dog around the block by herself. I have let her do this a few times and she is much more savvy then my son. I still don't care for it because she doesn't have total control of the dog, but I know the kids need to get out. This time she says she was out walking and some guy starting knocking on his picture window (in one of the houses) and was trying to get her attention. When she looked at him he began to open the window and talk to her. She just stared at him and then broke out into a run and came home. I said "are you sure you just weren't on his lawn?" and she said that she was in the street (we don't have sidewalks). I don't know WHAT to make of that one!!

Anyway, I know this post sounds like I'm freaking out. I'm not. I just feel that I'm in a quandry on how much to let my kids go. Is it a gut feeling you get when you know it's okay? I really don't want my kids snatched off the street and the area I live in doesn't make me feel better about it.

I know many of you are probably much more lax with your kids and will probably think I'm nuts, but please try to compare where you live versus an urban area.
Thanks!

 

[snoopy]

My theory is to always go with your gut. That and "better safe than sorry". Times have changed, which is difficult for us as parents to grasp, since our childhoods were spent running all over the neighborhood, riding bikes here and there, etc. I can honestly say that I am uncomfortable with my kids going any further then right in front of our house when they aren't with me. And I can't blame you for feeling the same way.

 

[Pop Daddy]

long post

 

[dumboiu]

I agree with snoopy. Go with your gut feelings............it is better to be safe than sorry. You would never forgive yourself if you didn't do what you felt was best. You know your children and their situation better than anyone.

 

[Christine]

Originally posted by Pop Daddy
long post

I'm truly excited. This is the first "long post" comment I've ever received from Pop Daddy. It's almost as exciting as getting tagged!!!!

 

[Big V]

We live in a smaller city but it is still hard to let our DD have more responsibilities. Maybe just try to let them do a little bit more as time goes on. I do know how you are feeling though. Sometimes it's not fun being a parent.

 

[pjlla]

First of all.... follow your "Mom intuition". If it doesn't "feel" right, don't let them do it. Secondly, (and I am not trying to flame you or anything), but I don't think that 9 years old is old enough to be riding a bike without a parent or older, responsible teenager nearby. My DD turns 9 this summer. She is not allowed to ride her bike around the neighborhood. She is not allowed out of the yard unless I am with her. And we live in probably the exact opposite type of area than you. We have a neighborhood in rural NH of about 17 homes. Each home has 2+ acres, so the neighborhood is quite spread out. It makes me scared that she would be out there with possibly no neighbors nearby if she needed them!! But the pedophiles of the world don't restrict themselves to rural or urban.... they are ALL OVER!! And no matter how well we think we have trained out children, things happen!! You go ahead and be as overprotective as you need to be. Better safe than sorry! And don't feel bad about it. It is your right as a parent!! Someday they will understand................P

 

[disneygals]

I don't think you're being overprotective at all! It's scary letting them out in the world. We live on a cul-de-sac, but I have too many trees in my front yard to see. My three kids (11,9,7) play a lot with the three next-door neighbor kids, so they can end up over here, there etc. In screaming range, but not always seeing range. I think this summer I am going to give my oldest a walkie-talkie, just so I can beep her if I need to or vice versa.

 

[buddy&wooz]

You're not being overprotective. You have legitimate reasons to be concerned. Your kids might not be thrilled by more restrictions but they'll just have to get over it.

We live in a pretty nice area but on a slightly busy through road. My eleven year old son is allowed to ride alone directly to and from two of his friends houses nearby, and on three dead end roads off our street, but other than that he has to be with a trusted friend, and even then with a watch and a time he must be home. I just started letting him have these freedoms at the end of last summer. He's a very trustworthy kid, but he's still a kid, and kids need some boundaries.

 

[Christine]

Originally posted by pjlla
Secondly, (and I am not trying to flame you or anything), but I don't think that 9 years old is old enough to be riding a bike without a parent or older, responsible teenager nearby. My DD turns 9 this summer. She is not allowed to ride her bike around the neighborhood. P

Not taking this is a flame at all. I do NOT feel comfortable at all letting my 9 year old out on his bike, even with other kids. But let me tell you: "all the other kids are doing it." It gets to the point that I feel like I'm weird. There are 6 and 7 year old girls riding around alone through the neighborhood. TONS of kids are out alone--this is why I felt that "hey, maybe I'm being crazy here."

Just yesterday I saw a boy who looked no older than 8, riding an electric scooter BY HIMSELF down the main road which is a divided road, 2 lanes on each side, with speeds of about 50 mph.

What are people thinking?

 

[buddy&wooz]

Originally posted by Christine
Not taking this is a flame at all. I do NOT feel comfortable at all letting my 9 year old out on his bike, even with other kids. But let me tell you: "all the other kids are doing it."

Oh, I can relate to this! But all the other kids are doing lots of things I won't let or don't want my kids to do! You just have to do what feels right for you and your family, and not worry about what the neighbors think. Don't even get me started about what goes on once they hit high school age!

 

[Evil Princess]

Originally posted by Christine
Not taking this is a flame at all. I do NOT feel comfortable at all letting my 9 year old out on his bike, even with other kids. But let me tell you: "all the other kids are doing it." It gets to the point that I feel like I'm weird. There are 6 and 7 year old girls riding around alone through the neighborhood. TONS of kids are out alone--this is why I felt that "hey, maybe I'm being crazy here."

Just yesterday I saw a boy who looked no older than 8, riding an electric scooter BY HIMSELF down the main road which is a divided road, 2 lanes on each side, with speeds of about 50 mph.

What are people thinking?

I live in a development that sounds similar to yours, 500 hours, lots of kids around. When I was 6 or 7 I was allowed to ride by myself with my neighborhood friends, but ONLY up and down our block. The older I got and the more experience I had under my belt, the more streets my mother let me ride on. She would always watch from the window when we were younger to make sure we weren't riding off our road.

9 years old to me sounds like a good age to be able to ride around a little with friends, though I understand your concern.

My sister is 12 and she rides her bike and walks her rabbit (yes, rabbit, she has a leash), with the next door neighbor around the development. I do think you're being a little overprotective, 12 years old is about 7th grade. At 7th grade I started going out at night in big groups with friends, but it's your decision how you raise your children.

 

[Twigs]

I don't think you are being overprotective. I get this from DS's a lot too. "All the other kids are allowed to.." I don't feel comfortable with them going certain places. DS's are now 12 and we just started letting them go out on their bikes last June. I use the walkie talkies, they know to check in with me to let me know where they are ( Its about a 2 block radius), and if I haven't heard from them I call them on it. They know if they don't answer me they lose their privledges to go out and ride. This has been working out pretty well. It took me a long time to get to this point with them. It is very hard to give them the freedom they want because the dangers are out there, I know exactly how you feel.

 

[ckay87]

I'm with you and do trust your gut. To respond to the "all the kids are doing it" complaint, just explain that those other kids probably had to prove to their parents that they could handle it. By breaking some rules (going down to the creek, etc.) it sounds like he proved to you that he could not handle it.

A side note: my theory is there's nothing wrong with lurking, spying, etc. on our kids. Priority #1 is to make sure they are safe. I've already told my kids "sure you can ride your bike to the park with your friends, see ya" then followed behind on my own bike. Sat in the park on a bench and read, keeping one eye on them. It's highly educational to observe what they will do when they think they are on their own. They have been surprisingly good. And, hey, if they catch me, so what? I'm allowed to sit in the park too, aren't I? And it's a good lesson to them to keep in mind that they NEVER can be sure where I might turn up.

I'm always preparing, in the back of my mind, for those teenage years, when they will equipped with things like cars money and girls/boys

 

[Evil Princess]

Originally posted by ckay87
A side note: my theory is there's nothing wrong with lurking, spying, etc. on our kids. Priority #1 is to make sure they are safe. I've already told my kids "sure you can ride your bike to the park with your friends, see ya" then followed behind on my own bike. Sat in the park on a bench and read, keeping one eye on them. It's highly educational to observe what they will do when they think they are on their own. They have been surprisingly good. And, hey, if they catch me, so what? I'm allowed to sit in the park too, aren't I? And it's a good lesson to them to keep in mind that they NEVER can be sure where I might turn up.

I'm 'm with you and do trust your gut. To respond to the "all the kids always preparing, in the back of my mind, for those teenage years, when they will equipped with things like cars money and girls/boys

Out of curiousity, are you completely okay with spying and lurking on your children once they reach the teenage years? Reading IM conversations, e-mails, diaries, and listening in on phone conversations?

Are you going to follow them in their cars while their on their dates and sit in the back of movie theaters just so you can see how they conduct themselves when you're not around?

I'm not trying to be snotty, I'm truely curious. My mother never did that to me, though she did peek out the window to see if I stayed on the street when she told me to. I would imagine the teasing I'd get if I told my mother I was riding to the park and my friends looked behind them and saw my mother on her own bike.

 

[KristiKelly]

I agree with you, better safe than sorry. I live in a fairly small town & neighborhood. DS goes to his friends house which he cuts thru a yard to get to the next street then walks 3 houses up. The Walkie Talkies are the BEST. We make him call us when he gets there when he's on his way back and then we call just to check on him. He is only 7, which I feel is too young for even this, but we watch from our back yard & since our neighborhood is so small (less than 20 houses) & everybody know everybody we feel safe. I've told him that if anyone EVER stopped a car, for him to take off to the nearest house, yelling like crazy & bang on the door.

I understand your fear though, We're very lucky that we don't have alot of child abductions, etc where we live. I'm just always afraid that my kids could be the 1st. Follow your gut, esp. if this other kids seems to look for trouble, I wouldn't allow mine to play with him anymore.

 

[Straycat]

I was pretty overprotective for a long time. My son is 14 now, of course I had to let go of that quite awhile ago and go from being overprotective to just protective.
My solution was to get him his own cell phone. He has had one since he was 12. Now I have access to him anytime I need, he is able to call me from anywhere. Anytime he is out and his plans change he has to call me. You eventually have to give them more freedom, and this is one way to keep a little peace of mind.
Price of cell phones arent too bad anymore, and plans have become much more affordable with family plans where you can add extra lines to share your minutes at little or no cost. Some companies now have walkie talkie features, more of a direct connection.
I know the thought of giving a young child a cell phone seems a little way out there, but its worth a thought.

 

[Rajah]

I agree. I don't think you're being "overprotective", I think you're doing just right considering your location, circumstances, and children. Follow that "mom" instinct and it really sounds to me like it's telling you that it's not safe for your DS to be out alone yet.

 

[DisneyMim]

I don't post here often, but somehow I just ended up here today, and just had to post. No I don't think you are overprotective at all. I grew up in Cambridge, Ma not far from Harvard Square, talk about wierd areas????? Nothing beats that. Because of this I am THE most overprotective parent that you will ever meet. My kids are older now (DD is in college and just so God could prove to me he has a sense of humor she is back in Cambridge, just the city I left!!) My son is in HS and I STILL am overprotective. Safety has always been a huge issue in our house. Better safe than sorry has been my hubby and mine's motto. A friend told me once long ago when my children were wee that You have to do what you have to do and don't let what other people do influence you. Don't worry, years from now when your son is off to college (and believe me times goes fast!) this issue will a distant memory, but you will be happy knowing you made the right choice for YOU. Sorry so long, but sometimes you just have to go with your first instinct, based on many things, upbringing, experiences, etc.

Good Luck!

 

[luvflorida]

Wow, I can really relate to this thread. I have always been overprotective of my kids. The two oldest I'm okay with now. Of course they are 23 and almost 20, but have grown into very responsible adults who are fun to have around.

I remember friends used to laugh at me and think it was really funny, but when they were babies I would always close and lock their bedroom windows whenever they were napping or at night time. I could be right in the next room, but I had this fear of soemone entering their rooms and snatching them.

My youngest daughter is 13 and she really thinks I'm way overprotective, and I know she is getting it worse than the other two ever did, simply because she is my last and I don't want her to grow up! I know, not fair to her. It's really hard to let them go out and do things without supervising them, though. She is 13 and we live in a nice, safe neighborhood, but I still don't like the idea of her going off on her bike alone, and she is okay with that.

The harder part of teen years is allowing them to do things with other kids. I still call parents if she is invited to a party, and I ask a ton of questions. If anything makes me nervous, then she doesn't go. I know I have to let her become more independent, but, as you already know, it's very difficult.