Help me explain this to DS (She'll be here sooner than we thought!! :) )

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

SIL announced to the family (well the grown up members anyway) that she and her DH are adding to their family. They begin the process of adopting a biracial baby TODAY! The little girl is due to be born in a few weeks, so I'm wondering how to explain this to DS when she DOES arrive.

I am SO excited..first girl baby in the family. She'll need to learn to be tough with two older brothers, though. We're seeing DSIL again this coming weekend for DN#1s birthday and I'm curious to see how he handled it when she told him (she was planning on telling him either last night after everybody left or this morning).

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

My DGD is bi-racial. She is my stepdaughter's child. My DD is 9. She was 3 when her niece was born. We just explained that the baby's daddy is African American and her sister (baby's mom) is obviously white. We don't know the father of the child and the child has never met him.

DD didn't require anything further. I don't believe that we explained anything when the baby was born as all she saw was the baby and not the skin color. Once she started inquiring it was a quick easy explanation. And yes, she has had to explain it to her school friends as they asked her why her niece was "black". You'd be surprised at what kids accept. This is not my generation where parents would be up in arms. And heck, the President is bi-racial. We've come a long way.

 

[lucigo]

Kids are so much more accepting than adults, you probably won't have to explain anything at all. We wondered if our youngest would notice that his cousin has two mommies rather than a mommy and a daddy, but it didn't phase him at all. IMO, if you don't make a big deal out of it, it probably won't even be questioned, and if he does question it, just answer it like its no big deal.

Oh and congrats!!!

 

[bookwormde]

Wow great news! First thing is to explain what adoption is and then get into some of the “technical” aspects like the fact the child will no have the same genetics as the rest of the family. Most of our kids are inherently “non discriminatory” but are scientifically curios so being open and honest about the facts of the situation is important.

My Ds is “magnetically” attracted to babies and finds them “cute and fascinating” (I think it unnerves some parents when a 9yo boy is so interested in babies). Have fun with the new addition to the extended family.

bookwormde

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

I'm really just trying to think of/get ideas for ways to handle DS's questions if/when they come up as to why DNiece is brown when the rest of the family are white as they come.

I don't think he'll really CARE that she's biracial..but he might ask questions. I did tell him this morning that DSIL is going to adopt a baby and that DNephews are going to have a baby sister. He seemed mildly enthused. Then he asked me when HE was going to get a baby sister. I told him I wasn't going to have any more children and he got kind of mad.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

How old is your son?

 

[ancestry]

My older two children are bi-racial - my younger two are not.

Sorry, but I'm not understanding what it is that you need to explain. What exactly needs to be explained?

 

[JESW]

My kids are 10 & 14 and they have two cousins - brothers - and one is from Korea and one is from Ethiopia. The first is 9 and the other is 7 so my kids were rather young when their cousins arrived - on an airplane! You will be surprised how easily kids accept other kids. My two have never doubted that the boys are their cousins even tho they look nothing like them!

Families are made in very different ways. Their cousins' mother (their Aunt) was married, but now has a female partner - my kids accepted it as "normal" without even batting an eye.

Congratulations to your family on their wonderful new addition!

Jill

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

How old is your son?

He just turned 5 two weeks ago.

And I guess I'm really just trying to come up with answers/explanations so that if/when he asks questions that are kind of awkward (Why did they adopt, why did they adopt a brown baby instead of a white baby, why didn't they just have another baby of their own, etc) I'll have good answers for him.

I don't know why I'm so freaked out that he might ask me awkward questions.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Maybe you start with a simple explanation of adoption. Then that they chose this particular baby because they were already in love with her prior to her being born. I really think you are reading more into this then your son will. Most kids are completely oblivious.

Families come in all shapes, colors and sizes now. My friend had her daughter ask her one day why she couldn't have two mommies like her best friend did. Her DD really felt like she was getting the short end of the stick for having a mommy and daddy and not two mommies like her friend. It's all in how you raise them.

 

[DOPEYLUVER]

He just turned 5 two weeks ago.

And I guess I'm really just trying to come up with answers/explanations so that if/when he asks questions that are kind of awkward (Why did they adopt, why did they adopt a brown baby instead of a white baby, why didn't they just have another baby of their own, etc) I'll have good answers for him.

I don't know why I'm so freaked out that he might ask me awkward questions.

Many years ago, I showed my kids my wedding video. They were probably 3 and 5 at the time. They really had trouble understanding the whole concept of TV. After that everytime a bride was on TV, the kids would ask if it was me. One time the bride was black and my daughter asked if it was me. (I'm of Irish decent and as far from black as possible.) I will never forget that because it taught me that all our prejudices are learned and that kids are just color blind.

Also no matter what you prepare yourself with, kids manage to ask a question that make you want to die. One of my friends was grocery shopping with her son, when he asked loudly why the lady in front of them wasn't paying with real money. It was food stamps.

 

[DizNee Luver]

We've adopted 3 girls out of foster care, one is half hispanic with beautiful dark eyes, hair & skin & the twin babies we have are half african-american & you'd never know it (their hair may give it away). So even mixed races don't always appear "different". My son who was 5 when our first daughter came in, didn't even notice anything different about her. Children look past those types of things. They are only an issue if the adults around them make them one. The only thing my small/young children tend to notice about others is if the child has a cast, brace or in a wheelchair...then they get very concerned if they're ok.
I would not worry about explaining much to your son, other than he has a new baby cousin. Even at 5 they don't tend to understand where babies come from......
Congrats to you & your families!!!!

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

Well, we may get to see her sooner than we thought. DH called a little while ago to tell me DFIL had called HIM to let him know that the birth mother was in labor, about 3 weeks ahead of schedule.

I should've known this was going to happen. Shortly after DSIL informed everybody she and her DH were beginning the process of adopting DN#1, here he comes..3 mos ahead of schedule.

I just hope that the paperwork and the home studies and whatever else they have to do prior to the baby being theirs goes speedily.

Maybe you start with a simple explanation of adoption. Then that they chose this particular baby because they were already in love with her prior to her being born

That's a good idea. I know he doesn't realize DN#1 is adopted because A) it happened around the same time he was born and B) DN#1 look SO much like DSIL and her DH physically. But this baby will look SO different because she is bi-racial. She will probably have darker skin , I'm kind of hoping DS won't ask me why Auntie J's new baby is brown when she and Uncle B are as white as it is possible to be without being an albino.

I know that he probably won't care that Baby Girl is brown and the rest of us are white. I just like being prepared for every possible situation and every possible question that might come up.

 

[BeckyScott]

I think your best bet is to make as little a deal about it as possible. Well, I mean, excited for a new family member, of course, but the rest of it that it's no biggie.

You can explain adoption as DS might already know that most Mommys get really fat before a baby is born. And that might be a little confusing. But just that there are different ways that families are made. Bio-kids, adopted kids, step-families, kids being raised by grandparents, lots of options.

As far as the bi-racial, if he understands adoption then it probably won't be an issue. I think my oldest DS was about 8 or 9 before he noticed there were different races. I was shocked because I thought he'd have noticed that, but we don't ever bring it up, and he honestly (I mean, I kinda had to laugh) thought that some people just had really good tans. To this day, he doesn't recognize someone as "looking" Hispanic, but he will notice if they speak Spanish. That seems to be more of a concrete indicator for him, although it isn't really accurate.

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

Well, she's here!
DSIL called me yesterday around the same time as I got home with DS from school. Baby Girl arrived yesterday afternoon, a teeny weeny little thing at only 5 lbs 7 oz.

DSIL said we might get to go see her through the window tonight and due to some good news from the adoption agency, she's probably going home with DSIL and her DH this weekend! We were going over there on Sat anyway to celebrate DN#1's birthday (which is today) anyway, so we'll get to see her then.

This is kind of funny because DSIL asked if she could have DS's old crib. We were like, yeah..you want it it's yours and we were going to bring it over on Saturday.

I told DS she'd arrived last night and he seemed really excited.

 

[Earstou]

Congrats, auntie!


Kids really can be oblivious until they hear an adult say something.
My ds was 5 when he asked why the neighbor said his friend was black. I explained it was because of his skin color, and that people would say ds was white. My ds got upset and said he wasn't white. When I asked what he meant, he told me everyone was brown, just different shades of brown! He told me that we're very light brown and some of his friends were darker brown. I really like his way of thinking!!!

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Congrats, auntie!


Kids really can be oblivious until they hear an adult say something.
My ds was 5 when he asked why the neighbor said his friend was black. I explained it was because of his skin color, and that people would say ds was white. My ds got upset and said he wasn't white. When I asked what he meant, he told me everyone was brown, just different shades of brown! He told me that we're very light brown and some of his friends were darker brown. I really like his way of thinking!!!

That's sweet. I really like that.

My DD called everyone by their hair color. So if you had brown hair you were considered "that brown person". Only people with blond hair was "a white person". We have brown hair and very pale skin so she considered us brown.

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

That's really sweet, earstou.

 

[BeckyScott]

I remember having a big discussion with oldest DS explaining to him what blond was. Because he called it yellow hair. That yellow-haired girl. It kinda reminded me of Charlie Brown and the little red-haired girl. And DS has quite the *thing* for the yellow-haired girls, so I thought it would behoove him to call it blond.

He is also really confused by hair dye. Even though he's certainly seen it (cough cough) plenty enough. (hey, look, I didn't have any grays at all until these kids showed up!) But old people have white hair, so if an old person dyes their hair, he can't figure out what's going on. Or if someone that would naturally have dark hair has bleached it. Or if his formerly yellow-haired girlfriend got into a box of dye over the weekend and is now strawberry blond. That really messes with him. We haven't even gotten to perms yet.

 

[NiniMorris]

I know I'm a little late on this, but here is my perspective...

Many years ago (when my now 31 year old son was in 1st grade) he had a friend who was biracial. His Mom and I were pregnant at the same time. His only confusion came when we came home with a white baby and friend's mom came home with a baby that looked more like his friend.

He required no explanation. Months later we were talking about it and my son's reaction was.."So THAT is how it works! I thought they ust gave you whatever baby was next in line from God!"

I have 5 children. The older three, I gave birth to in a hospital. The younger two were born in my heart, and just happen to be "chocolate". That is the way my 8 year old explains it...she and her younger brother are chocolate, and we all know chocolate comes in different shades of brown!

Nini