Help me come up with a good punishment for my 17 yr kid (no joke)

[ilovetexas]

The younger one took his brother's phone w/o permission, violated his privacy by reading his texts, then tattled - all in order to get him in trouble. That is one ugly ball of spite.

The older one cut a half day to hang out with his gf.

Did Cindy Brady teach us nothing? Tattling, unless there's a seriously dangerous situation afoot, is not to be rewarded. That level of spying, phone stealing, etc., to get someone else in trouble for sport, I would certainly not reward - hence the tattler would be the one in dire trouble.

To me, that kind of underhanded nastiness is way more serious than what the older one did.

My mom had a rule about tattling, too. If there was no danger involved in the activity....the tattler would get the same punishment as the tattlee.

Again, with my parents it was "my house, my rules". We didn't tattle very often.

 

[scootch]

I have no suggestions, but applaud you for taking it seriously

 

[NotUrsula]

I've been thinking about this one. I jumped on and suggested a harsh punishment, but I think that I did that because it sounded like the OP was looking for that kind of thing. I'm not sure that I would use the same type of punishment myself under similar circumstances.

I'll say this much: as my kids get older, I tend to favor more real-world penalties (and real-world incentives) where I can. Mostly that boils down to money. Most of the time when my teen screws up, I fine him in cash, because that is how it normally works in the adult world unless the screw-up in question is a felony. FWIW, I do give bonuses for grades now; I figure that as adults we are usually motivated to do our best at work for the monetary reward, so why should teens have to be so much more altruistic than we are?

I think that if I were in the OP's place with my own kid, given his age I'd leave the penalty for the skipping with the school; if they noticed it he will pay their price. The situation of breaking the rules at home would be a separate offense, and I'd have to think of a suitable penalty for that one; personally I think I'd go with charging him a fine to re-key the locks and letting him have to knock to get in for awhile (not real eviction, but it's in the spirit; after all, eviction or losing your deposit is the usual penalty when you break a landlord's rules.)

As to the younger brother, that probably deserves a fine as well. What's the usual cost of a misdemeanor trespassing charge? (Or should we go with Malicious Mischief? )

 

[NHdisneylover]

Personally, I do not think it is a good choice to punish the teen for a bunch of other stuff that you have been ignoring and let build, under the guise of this one (or two depending on how you look at it) transgression.

I am in the camp that many of the suggestions here are major overreactions.

If it was a one time thing with my kid it would be a lecture a "if this happens again warning" (which would be followed up on if needed) and that would be about it.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

The younger one took his brother's phone w/o permission, violated his privacy by reading his texts, then tattled - all in order to get him in trouble. That is one ugly ball of spite.

The older one cut a half day to hang out with his gf.

Did Cindy Brady teach us nothing? Tattling, unless there's a seriously dangerous situation afoot, is not to be rewarded. That level of spying, phone stealing, etc., to get someone else in trouble for sport, I would certainly not reward - hence the tattler would be the one in dire trouble.

To me, that kind of underhanded nastiness is way more serious than what the older one did.

I don't disagree at all that it was incredibly spiteful & a huge violation of trust/privacy.

In no way does that excuse the older boy's behavior, however (which while not spiteful was again a huge violation of trust).

 

[fortwildernessishome]

I have two teen daughters. If they don't show up for school and aren't called in by a parent, then we get a phone call. They can't leave early without our permission. I guess that puts the kibosh on skipping without your parents knowing.

I would be royally peeved at my daughters if they brought a boy into our home while we are not at home. It isn't allowed and they know it. We also have rules for when we are home and where the kids can be and what they can be doing.

I also wouldn't be upset that one daughter told on the other.I can't believe the posters who are saying the other son ratted out his brother. If the brother wasn't going against house rules there would be nothing to tell so leave the blame on the older son where it belongs.

My daughters are 16 and 18. I like the idea a previous poster had of making the child text pictures from where they are at random intervals. I also use cleaning the house as punishment.

I also cant believe that posters are saying that the younger son "ratted" out the older one!

Honesty is a big thing in our house and both of our boys are pretty honest. I would totally expect either of my guys to let me know if house rules were being broken. They are very close, so I am sure it would be hard, but I would certainly expect it and appreciate the heads up.

I would be pretty ticked off if one boy was breaking the rules and the other one knew about it and didnt tell me.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I've been thinking about this one. I jumped on and suggested a harsh punishment, but I think that I did that because it sounded like the OP was looking for that kind of thing. I'm not sure that I would use the same type of punishment myself under similar circumstances.

Agreed. It's up to the OP to determine the severity of the punishment & I got the impression OP was seeking any & all possible ideas of what may or may not work

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I also cant believe that posters are saying that the younger son "ratted" out the older one!

Honesty is a big thing in our house and both of our boys are pretty honest. I would totally expect either of my guys to let me know if house rules were being broken. They are very close, so I am sure it would be hard, but I would certainly expect it and appreciate the heads up.

I would be pretty ticked off if one boy was breaking the rules and the other one knew about it and didnt tell me.

Agree in principle, but I do also believe snooping through older brother's phone is a pretty big no-no.

 

[LisaR]

The younger one took his brother's phone w/o permission, violated his privacy by reading his texts, then tattled - all in order to get him in trouble. That is one ugly ball of spite.

The older one cut a half day to hang out with his gf.

Did Cindy Brady teach us nothing? Tattling, unless there's a seriously dangerous situation afoot, is not to be rewarded. That level of spying, phone stealing, etc., to get someone else in trouble for sport, I would certainly not reward - hence the tattler would be the one in dire trouble.

To me, that kind of underhanded nastiness is way more serious than what the older one did.

Please! That is a beef between siblings. I'm not saying it is acceptable or that the younger one shouldn't have consequences but an "ugly ball of spite?" You make the phone stealing sound like he went to a store and stole something. Kids leave their phones all over the house and the sibling picked it up and read his text messages. Again, he was wrong and should be punished but you paint this to be the crime of the century. Siblings rat on their siblings. It happens. Tell him not to, punish him if you want, but let's not lock him up for life over this.

 

[clm10308]

In our house cell phones/computer use/Facebook are not considered private, so I would not have a big problem with the younger brother looking at the phone. In the real world phone information is not private and can be used for criminal charges, so kids should not think that phones are private.

On the other hand, I agree with the PP who suggested letting the school punish for skipping school if they so choose. I like the idea of making him pay for having the locks changed. I would even go so far has having him change the locks under supervision if someone at home can supervise.

I do wonder what kind of consequences the boy faced after taking the family car and causing so much financial hardship. That would have been the time to make him get a job and help with those payments.

It seems a bit late to do much. As he is going to graduate, maybe sitting down together and establishing what the rules of the house will be and consequences for breaking the rules.

 

[Hannathy]

Please! That is a beef between siblings. I'm not saying it is acceptable or that the younger one shouldn't have consequences but an "ugly ball of spite?" You make the phone stealing sound like he went to a store and stole something. Kids leave their phones all over the house and the sibling picked it up and read his text messages. Again, he was wrong and should be punished but you paint this to be the crime of the century. Siblings rat on their siblings. It happens. Tell him not to, punish him if you want, but let's not lock him up for life over this.

I disagree completely. The younger brother purposefully and maliciously read something private similar to opening someone elses mail or reading their diary and then if that wasn't bad enough, gleefully used that info to get the other person in trouble. That doesn't bode well for a close brother to brother relationship. It is a really low, despicable thing to do. I think it is much worse than what the brother did and the only thing I would punish for in the whole thing.

 

[LisaR]

I disagree completely. The younger brother purposefully and maliciously read something private similar to opening someone elses mail or reading their diary and then if that wasn't bad enough, gleefully used that info to get the other person in trouble. That doesn't bode well for a close brother to brother relationship. It is a really low, despicable thing to do. I think it is much worse than what the brother did and the only thing I would punish for in the whole thing.

I'm actually not defending the younger brother. I just don't happen to think that either brother committed the crime of the century. This is typical sibling crap that I would leave to the boys to work out. I think some of these punishments are extreme. To each their own, I guess.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

In our house cell phones/computer use/Facebook are not considered private, so I would not have a big problem with the younger brother looking at the phone.

I draw the line at siblings snooping on each other. My kids (though younger at this point) have had it made clear that NOTHING that happens electronically in the house is private as far as Mom & Dad are concerned

That said, I would never snoop through my daughter's phone w/o her knowledge. If I felt a need to look at it, I certainly would look & she would know about it, and why I was doing it

 

[disneymomjcs]

A twenty page fully researched and footnoted paper on high school dropout or teen pregnancy (or whatever subject you choose). If not done correctly he redoes it. He is on total restriction until it is done to your satisfaction

Volunteering at a shelter too!

 

[TLSnell1981]

At 16, by a month, he took his fathers car without permission and without his drivers license and went joy riding down our dirt road. Had a passenger, his buddy. He lost control on the loose gravel and hit an oak tree doing 55mph. The car was totalled and we were lucky enough that he and his unseatbelted friend walked away. Because my son didn't have his drivers license, only his learners permit, he wasn't legal to drive the car and the insurance company wouldn't pay to fix or replace the car that we still had a loan out on and was our 2nd car. So not only did we lose our 2nd car, we still had to pay on our loan because we couldn't afford to just pay off the loan but we also had to keep insurance on a car that we had a loan on. Now we had to get another car that put a bigger financial strain on the family. We need to have 2 cars. We were screwed like a lot. After that I guess I thought he would make better decisons. Guess not.
.

I'm surprised, he didn't legally lose the privilege to drive, until he was 18. I hope, he is making payments on the car. He may not have a job...but he should still make restitution in some way or fashion.

To those that said 17 is a man/woman - I have to disagree. I am not even sure I think 18 yrs old makes someone a man/woman. It is defined by maturity level. My kid is a kid - not an adult and no way could he make adult decisions especially given his history. He just isn't mature enough in my eyes.
my roof. I have no problem embarassing them about that.

I'm not saying, skipping is okay, nor is having sex with his GF. Turning 18... doesn't magically make him mature, but it does make him legal. He will be making his own decisions..like it or not. Honestly, I think, there are bigger concerns right now. Humiliation and punishment may make you feel better, but it won't teach him anything worthwhile. IMHO

 

[disneymomjcs]

I didn't. I went to Catholic School for 12 years. Cutting school usually involved detention and confession. You do not want to be punished by a nun. Not only will they take your time and humiliate you, I'm pretty sure they will get you a one way ticket to hell. Or at least that's what we thought as kids.

 

[kimmar067]

He is an overall good kid - doesn't drink or smoke or do drugs (that I am aware of anyway). My biggest issue with him is that he is lazy and unmotivated. I have to repeatedly tell him to do the same stuff over and over and he doesn't have good follow through. He only have ***** stuff and does what he has to do to get the job done (no pride in what he is doing)...

....I think that your 17-y-o DS and MY 17-y-o DS are long-lost twins....

 

[shortbun]

I have no suggestions, but applaud you for taking it seriously

yeah!
Hey, my Dad called Mom 'Scootch.' He always addressed her gifts and cards, Scootch and called her that when he was feeling affectionate. I liked seeing it today. I know you must be a really good person.

 

[Anne34]

Agreed. And mid-April is a bit early for "Senior Skip Day"

Not really -- we're out at the end of May.

I also have a DS 17 and would have more problem with him being in the house with his girlfriend. We would be having many discussions at the dinner table with about sex & family rules. Embarass the hell out of him!! & make him think twice.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Not really -- we're out at the end of May.

"Senior skip day" as always been in the last week (usually the last day) around here. So yeah, still 5-6 weeks early