Help, I'm drowning! Terrible twos...

[tjmw2727]

Wow - you have your hands full but relax it will pass. I agree with the others, try not to get over involved, step back a bit and let him have some control. Maybe quiet time instead of nap time or a shorter nap.

You asked for books and my favorites were a series orgainzed by age by the authors Ames and Ilg. For me they helped by explaning what your child is doing and why and that led me to ways I would like to handle situations while still allowing them to "grow". I was able to give up some control which is what a 2yo is looking for.

The two year old book is terrific: "Your Two Year Old, Terrible and Tender" and the one that got me to buy the rest of the series. Try here for more information:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0440506387/002-0359351-0932834?v=glance&n=283155&s=books&v=glance

HTH
TJ

 

[Huntava]

If it helps, like Carmel mentioned, we never made an issue out of whether our DS (who switched from crib to toddler bed at 18 months) stayed in the bed once we put him in it. Now, we have the door knob protector on his side of the door so he can't open the door himself once we close the door, but when we lay him down in the bed, many times he will get up and play with the several safe toys we leave in his bed. A few times we found him asleep on the floor, but after a while, he realizes the bed is a lot more comfortable, and when he is ready to sleep he gets in his bed and sleeps. Also, he has a night light which is a part of the toddler bed and he cannot plug and unplug, he just pushes a button and it comes on and stays on 5 minutes. It is just enough of a glow to illuminate the room slightly, and it gives him comfort to be able to turn this on whenever he wants. Hope things get better for you soon.

 

[estherhead]

A good friend of mine would say to me, "This too shall pass, and when it does you'll be sentimental about it." They aren't called terrible for nothing. My eldest would never sit in time out. One time when we were at church (she LOVES it there) she was acting up so dh & I threatened that we would leave. She didn't believe us, tested our word, and we packed it up and left with her screaming all the way out right in the middle of silence. Kicking and biting and screaming she would not get in her carseat and dh SAT on her to get her buckled in. He and I were both crying by the time we pulled out but she was locked into the seat safe, and still thrashing. We left her locked in her seat in the garage at home until she calmed down enough (it was a LONG time.) Ahh, good times, good times. lol

They are testing, testing, testing. And they can't communicate properly. She is 5 now and the most amazingly cooperative, helpful child ever. I adore her. I adored her then too, mostly. lol. Hang in there. Stick by your word. Don't be afraid of being humiliated in public. I never let my kids act up in stores. They know for a fact that I will march them right out of that store and leave everything behind. And they know that screaming in public or private changes my mind not even a bit. I may have been crying by the end of the tantrum, but they still didn't get their way.

Its worth it. I swear, it's worth it! Dh and I call our children "portable" because they go anywhere with ease! Didn't used to, thats for sure.

 

[ryan840]

Well, here goes- the dreaded NAPTIME! I'll see what happens if I let him look at his books in bed today and don't make an issue of laying down. Wish me luck!

 

[sanctus]

What worked with mine was basically the "safe room" approach. I would put her in the play pen in her room with the door closed. I would tell her calmly, "when you're done I'll come get you" and leave her. I would stand outside her door with my blood pressure rising every second of it, chanting under my breath "you can't abuse a child who's not in the room with you."

Every few minutes, in my best calm voice I would repeat "when you're done I'll come get you." And absolutely, positively NEVER let her hear how crazy she was making me. It took literally *weeks* of doing this before she started shortening her tantrums, and she did finally stop altogether. But I believe children do what works, and she did learn that instead of making her the center of my attention, throwing a screaming fit got her cut off from attention.

Best of luck to you with this - it's a nightmare to live through.

 

[rt2dz]

I've recommended this book many times to many people in a million different places. There is a reason--it works. It's a Godsend. Especially with children who behave one way at home and other ways with other people in other places. It's call Boundries with Kids by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. You might want to check out their off shoot book called Boundries with Preschoolers.

 

[frannn]

She was such a good little toddler, until she got close to 3. She has been a bit behind with walking, etc, so it only seems fit that she now hit her terrible 2's, if only a year late. She was soooooo cranky and froustrating at some of the character meals at WDW last month, and it wasn't due to lack of sleep. She just wanted to do what she wanted to do. She refuses to stay in her room at bedtime, unless I sneak her in there after she falls asleep. Otherwise, its a good few hours of chasing her back in there each night. I don't recall DD12 and DD16 being as uncontrollable, but my ex says they most certainly were (of course, they have even worse behavioral issues now-whining, temper tantrums, etc). DD3 just doesn't want to listen. She will test my limits by chasing the dog up the stairs (after being told to stay off the stairs), then climbing up to DD16's room (which is off limits), then down into the kitchen (off limits when she is alone), then down into the basement (off limits), and back again, and again, and again, and again. I work from home, so this creates an extremely difficult environment to be productive in. Also, my house looks like it threw up on itself. I can't find time in the early morning or in the evening after bedtime to play catch up with everything, since I am unbelieveable tired from dealing with the terrible two's, "tween" and middle child issues, and teenage issues.... This may seem callous, but I look forward to the days when I am of retirement age, and my bills are paid, and my children are on their own, with families/careers of their own. I do love and enjoy my children, but there are many occassions that I feel my blood pressure rising.

 

[ryan840]

Well, he's asleep and there were no fights or anything! I put him to bed around 1:00 and put his books to bed with him. Although he didn't go to sleep right away, he stayed in bed the entire time- I never even had to tell him to get back in (well, he dropped his bear and asked to get it so that doesn't count). I don't know if that was because I never told him to lay back down or it was just a coincedence, but I'm sure sold on trying it again! He never even opened his books, just kind of goofed off quietly for a while. It seems too good to be true, send some pixie dust that it's not!!! Thanks everyone!

 

[Huntava]

So happy for you. You know, I am of the thinking that there are always two ways to skin a cat (I'm a cat-lover, so it is just a saying). Anyway, I am always open to trying something a different way to see if it works for my kids. What I have found is that in most instances this has worked for my DS; although sometimes, for whatever reason, it takes longer to get him down. On those days, I just go into his room, close the door, and sit on the floor next to his bed, and hold him, or talk to him, and just remind him it is time for night night. I will stay in there 5 or 10 minutes, then I just lenghthen the time that I go back into his room. Usually, I only have to go in once, and he might fuss for a few minutes, then he is quiet. Good continued luck!

 

[SylviaL]

I feel for you. DS4 is a little angel (most of the time). DS2 has always been a constant challenge. DS2 started preschool this year and I've been so worried that he'll get kicked out. He pushes and hits and bites (only his brother and me). When he throws a tantrum, he gets so worked up that I know he doesn't remember what it was even about. I don't really have any tips--just wanted to say that it's normal and it will get better. Also, what makes me feel better is to watch Supernanny (I tape it) after the kids are in bed. Not only am I relieved that my kids aren't nearly as wild and unruly as the kids on that show but Supernanny does have good tips and helps me to be a better mom (like not to yell all the time and to take time to really play with them). Good luck!

 

[cmaelltt1]

Thanks for the replies everyone, I'm taking notes. What other books do you all recommend? I I will check out the one J. Galt mentioned, and I'd love to hear what ones you "swear by". Thanks again, it helps (somewhat ) to know you're not alone.

After having 2 daughters who never came close to having a tantrum. I have been extremely disturbed by my son's melt-downs. They started at 2 1/2 and have continued for a year now. He's still very immature at 3 1/2. I have been very good at ignoring him but he can't seem to stop.

Recently, I got involved with a mother's program the uses the Love and Logic books. It has been such a great help and I'm currently reading the books as well. I really can't recommend them enough. Love and Logic for Early Childhood is a very easy read with tons of ideas for keeping the tantrums from ever starting. It also has lots of other tips for kids this age and I really wish I had it when my girls were younger. But the techniques still work on them I just have to modify a little.

Anyway, he still throws occasional tantrums but I am more aware of how I can handle the situations and stop them before they start. I am better at handling them once they do start. They seem to be much shorter now too.

 

[megan4777]

Ok, my 2.5 yr old says, "no WAY" whenever I tell her to do something. Not just "no" but "no way."
me: "would you like a banana for b-fast?"
her: "no WAY"
me "what color is a monkey?" *usually the answer is 'brown.'*
her: "no way"
me "would you like to lose your tongue before you turn 3?"
her: "no Way"

The whole "no WAY" thing just started about a week or 2 ago or I wouldn't be writing this from home but from a mental ward...I am determined to break her of this.
Anyway, she is a great napper for me. I say that but she also went through a stage where she threw EVERY (and I'm talking like 30+) animal she has in her room AND her books (we removed the bookshelf) down the stairs and cackled (yes, like a witch....) until we opened the door to put her back in her bed.
We eventually learned to ignore her b/c they "know" that you're frustrated and they "know" that you're upset.
I would also like to add that I was pregnant for DD#2 while this was going on and DD#1 would kick me in the belly (not understanding what was going on in there) and yell the whole time.
I tried to talk to her calmly about how she was hurting her younger sibling, smacking her hiney, blah blah blah....she didn't care. You just need to be firm if he hurts you....
DD#1 understood about hurting her sister after I smacked her bottom hard enough (I felt HORRIBLE ) that she understood pain from kicking me. It only took 2 smacks until she stopped.
She's a wonderful sister today and very often gets her little sister's blankie or pacifier without prompting.
Whatever happens just know that kids are there to test our limits...

Good luck...

 

[J. Galt]

OMG! Megan4777, your post made me laugh so hard! Sometimes I make my daughter say "yes" and show me how to shake your head "yes". I tell her that I just need to know that she can actually do it, because it certainly isn't coming out of her mouth otherwise!

She was also a stuffed animal thrower for awhile. She sleeps with like a gazillion little animals (they surround her like some sort of force field) and when she was going through her "I don't need to go to bed when you tell me to" stage she would chuck them, one by one, over the bed railing and then sit in her bed yelling "DROPPED! DROPPED!" at the top of her lungs while slapping her legs with her little hands.

They can be such little "dears" can't they? Believe me, I feel your pain.

 

[BevS97]

I also have a "testing" 2 year old.
One bit of advice I was told, was not to ask them to do things, but to tell them.
So, instead of 'Would you like breakfast', say 'Sit down now, it's time for breakfast' don't give them the opportunity to say No.
Also, offer choices where you dont care which they choose, would you like the red trousers or the blue trousers today?

that's not to say we don't have tantrums, and we have had some big ones normally when she is tired. I try and walk away but I don't always succeed

Does your son still need a nap? My dd was the king of nappers, having a good 3 or 4 hour nap every day, but in the last few weeks she has stopped napping most days, and when she does fall asleep during the daytime then she won't go to bed. It's not an easy time at the minute because she is quite tired at teatime without her nap - she's sort of at an inbetween stage. It may be that he doesn't need as much sleep as he used too.

Bev

 

[tjmw2727]

I also have a "testing" 2 year old.
One bit of advice I was told, was not to ask them to do things, but to tell them.
So, instead of 'Would you like breakfast', say 'Sit down now, it's time for breakfast' don't give them the opportunity to say No.
Also, offer choices where you dont care which they choose, would you like the red trousers or the blue trousers today?>>

I did something simiar and still do but instead of telling them what to do I take it to your next example. So instead of your breakfast example I would combine both your examples. Its time for breakfast do you want milk or juice - always offer two acceptable choices.

My kids had trouble with transition, so when it was time to go out it was somthing like, its time for grocery shopping do you want your red coat or the blue one. Or its time for grocery shopping are you going to ride in the cart or help me shop?

Sounds like the OP is having success - hope it continues !!

TJ

 

[mrsminniemouse]

I have no different advice for you, I think everyone has made great suggestions.

My DD was 2 in May. She dropped her nap in July and we started potty training shortly after that. I can honestly say I have really struggled this last few months. Even though bedtime is easier now she does not nap, I miss that time to myself in the afternoon.

Being a stay at home mum was always a joy until she hit 2 and a bit. I never thought I would wish I was back at work or be jealous of DH and girlfriends who go to work. But I was! Now DD goes to daycare 2 mornings a week, she loves it. I love it too I had a hard time admitting we needed a break from each other, plus I felt guilty putting her in day care when I did not need to (ie, not for work just for me) but I am so glad I did.

2 is a testing age. It is so hard to keep upbeat and calm with a two year behaving as 2 years old do! I feel your pain.

Good luck, I am sure it will pass for all of us. I used to be a primary school teacher. I thought that was tough until now!

Mandy

 

[2diamonds&a~gem]

requiring them to answer "yes, Mommy" afterwards (makes it hard for them to back out of it). So, for example, if my daughter is refusing to say, get in the car so we can go to the grocery store I just state "We are getting in the car and going to the grocery store, say 'yes, Mommy'". Then she says (grudgingly) "Yes, Mommy" and gets in the car. If they are really little, you could just have them nod or say yes or whatever. If there is complaining, I say "All I want to hear from you is 'yes, Mommy'". Sounds harsh, but it works!

I am cracking up! So very Mommy dearest! I ♥ it! and I will be using it starting tomorrow morning.
DD doesn't say "yes Mommy" yet, but she is required to answer. She is free to make many of her own choices, if she doesnt want dinner, ok... if she wants snow boots with shorts & tank top, ok... if she wants to break/tear up her toys, ok... there are many things I have decided are not that important. (she will eat when she get hungry, matching clothes used to freak me out- but in the end after the fit was over she still wouldnt wear what I wanted so who cares?) Now, we always ask her to do things instead of telling her and we follow up with do you understand? She can say yes or no... if no then we talk about it and ask again... when she says yes, we say then please do it. She is making her decision, she is being independent and she is learning to think and reason. When she starts to "melt" I ask... Why are you sad/frustrated/angry? Tell mommy what happened, how can mommy help you with this...
Usually if she wants to melt we just ignore it and it tends to be very brief.
She has become possesed on two occasions and I was very scared because it is so unlike her to go that far. When I say she was possesed I mean fully, she was flopping on the floor like a fish out of water, screaming so hard she couldnt catch her breath, this went on for almost an hour.

I also think it is like the NFL draft... or the lottery or just luck of the draw...
My child is very well behaved always has been, she is smart and shares easily, friendly, nice and fun. She is a pleasant child. She doesn't sleep, never has slept more than 5 hours (except for 2x's) as a baby she only slept if nursing or being held.... she has always had eating/digestion issues (now she wont eat meat, pasta, potatoes- she prefers veggies, beans & fruit--as a baby due to low supply from a breast reduction she was supplimented with formula, she would only take Alimentium ready to feed *$8.50 per day* and we would never find ourselves without the Gerber gas drops) and finally due to the gas or just plain luck she was a cry-er. Lots of crying, for long hours, loudly.

So maybe if you have a good baby, then your toddler years are more challenging? And a challenging baby means you get an easy toddler?
I am so hoping this is the case and she isnt by some sick fluke delayed in her tantrum thowing...

 

[2diamonds&a~gem]

Megan4777-
Off topic.... I am assuming the 4777 is your DOB? If so, amnother Megan here also 04/07/1977 @ 10:30pm. Funny how small the world can be.

 

[DisFlan]

The best I can offer is that it doesn't last forever. Don't give up, there's hope. Our son was the worst of the worst when he hit the Terrible Twos. And threes! I thought I was doomed for a while, believe me. But later on, the Tween and Teen years were smooth sailing. (Yup, I actually had a teenager who TALKED to me and listened to what I had to say.) He's now grown into a wonderful, loving, even-tempered adult.

The only advice I can offer is to be consistant, concise and quietly firm, whatever your approach. Anything else is confusing.


DisFlan

 

[kellyg403]

When I was reading through all the posts, I thought I remember those days! My daughter who is now 13 and going thru the whole puberty thing was the most trying 2-3 year old known to man. If you passed Mcdonald's and didn't stop she would throw a tantrum, if you were on the road and a school bus came up she wanted you drive along side it until it turned. And I do mean right beside it..she loved the big yellow school bus! If the Barney tape was playing in the car..even though there was a huge groan from the other 4 kids..she would throw a tantrum. We used to make a joke..if you don't behave you get to go on a carride with your sister. Instead behavior modification. But, I bring this up only because now she is older and when we talk about those tantrums we actually laugh because of OUR response. Like the day she threw a tantrum in the store for a candybar. Her poor dad didn't know what to do...gave her the candy bar, paid for it, put her in the carseat and just as she was opening it grabbed it and threw it on the ground. Her eyes were as big as saucers. Funny thing...she didn't throw a tantrum. I just wanted to share that you are no means alone...and yes eventually they mature enough where they understand the consequences. Right now its just a battle!

Kelly