Help! Husband wants a motorcycle and I'm not having it.

[kehlyrsmom]

My husband had a sport bike when we first were married and I rode with him on several outings and felt totally safe. Then he sold it when we bought our first house.

A few years later the year when he turned 30 he got the bug again and went out and bought another one. Well I rode with him once and felt totally unsafe and pretty much never got on it again. He ended up dropping the bike twice and just scratching it both of those twice the he dropped it again when I was 8 months pregnant with our daughter it was the day of my baby shower. He was going extremely fast on a country road and somehow ended up flipping it end over end landing in a farmers field the bike flew the length of a football field.

Of course the bike was totaled and he ended up in the trauma center. Fortunately he had on a helment and one of those protective suites both saved his life. Otherwise he would have been killed. He was in a wheelchair for 2 months, on a walker for another 2-3 and had to have surgery on his leg and had to wear a brace for another year and do physical thearpy.

I told him that if he wants another one that is fine I will not stop him but to plan on stopping by the court house on the way home and file the divorce papers because I'm not going through getting that phone call again. I had just got home from my shower and had some family with me and thought it was odd that he was not home. I got three phone calls in a row, on from the police, hospital and ambulance driver. No one would tell me if he was alive or dead but to just get to the hospital ASAP. That was the worst day of my life and I hope I never get that phone call again.

I realize that something can happen to him just driving to work or walking down the street. But I know if he ever got a bike again I would be a total nut case every time he went out on it. Anyway just my 2 cents. If he does get one please make sure he wears a helment and gets one of the protective suites.

 

[ilovejack02]

My oldest is turning 21 today. He bought his first bike at 18, no help from us in anyway. I was not a happy camper, but he had his own job and didn't live with us anymore.

Bought his 2nd bike at 19 , brand new, gorgeous machine with bigger motor. He dropped it within 24 hours, and trashed it, but he was fine thank GOD!! Not his fault, someone pulled out in front of him. He dropped it as not to hit the car. Sold it last year after getting it fixed up and riding it again for a few months. The thrill was gone and he was moved on. WHEW, sometimes they think they want something and then the fun wears off.

 

[DisneyCampers]

In my marriage anything this big would be a joint decision. If we didn't both think it was a good idea, it wouldn't happen.

ITA. No, the OP is not his "mommy" but she should still have some say so. I can't believe how people feel. If Dh wants to get a bike than us wives should just hush and let him get one, but lets count the We can't go to Disney b/c my DH says no threads and everyone thinks that is ok. I do not live in this world. I guess I am also the "mommy" who forbide my DH from getting a bike. Actually I told him he could get one, but than a divorce was in order. If we don't both agree on something as big as this it is not going to happen. No strain or resentment come from my marriage from DH not getting the bike, but if he had getten it there would be very much of both.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Look, it is NO WIN situation....

If she has some say-so and says no, then clearly, that is emasculation and she is having to play the heavy.. the 'mommie'....

If she has to give up all say-so and has to be like "sure honey, whatever...." whether she can be emotionally sane and comfortable with that or not.. then that isn't really right either....

This is what comes to my mind - She personally experienced his crazy death-defying outings on his motorcycle when they were younger.... She knew what she was marrying... Did she really think that he was going to be the conservative safe responsible husband and father? (Girls, NEVER marry somebody thinking that they will change or that you can change them.)

IMHO - in this situation, her feelings should be respected... It is not like a motorcycle is something that is necessary for a person's fulfillment and happiness.

She shouldn't HAVE to 'forbid' this....

But, if he wants to put her in this situation...

He is going to do what he wants to do...
At this point, I am not so sure that she has any real supports or rights to forbid something that she knew about when she married him years ago...

 

[mickeysaver]

My partner loves her motorcycle and I love my scooter. We both took the Honda Motorcycle Safety Course before we rode them at all. I wish that I could say that we have ridden them a lot since we bought them a couple of years ago, but I have less than 300 miles on mine and Gabby has less than 200 on her's.

IMHO, I think that people that get crotch rockets are wreckless fools. I have NEVER seen anyone who was consistantly safe on one of those. I know that the power of my Majesty is intoxicating enough. I can easily fly down the interstate at 80 mph without even realizing that I have gotten up to anywhere close to a speed that fast. I am not a speeder by nature, even in a car, but I can see where having a bike with as much power could lead to irresponsible behavior on a more regular basis...especially if you add testosterone to the mix.

In a relationship, especially one with kids, it's important to remember that your desires are not necessarily what's best for all involved. It's also important to be willing to compromise.

Maybe you could agree to the idea of a motorcycle if it is not a street bike and only if he takes and passes a Motorcycle Safety Course first.

 

[MICKEY88]

DH had always love bikes, he does have one but he doesn't use it often, ever since his friend got killed, it was a terrible tragedy and he realized how bad it would be if something would happened to him, he told me that before he didn't care, he was single and didn't care much, he does loves bikes, I used to ride with him too, but he told me that he loves his life and his family over the bike.

He wants to sell his bike and get a couple 4 wheelers so he can ride with the girls.

google 4 wheeler accidents, and see the high rate of kids injured or killed... he might want to rethink that

 

[Lorix2]

to the OP,

my DH has been riding since we were 17 y/o, we're 42 now. I HATED when he would go off on his bike because I was so worried about him. I know that anxiety about it.

As the years past and our kids are getting older, I really took a shine to wanting to be in the "driver's seat". I took the MSF course 3 years ago and got my license.

We both have our own motorcycles now and I can't tell you how much I enjoy riding. Yes, it's dangerous, but if I thought about every hazard, I'd never ride. I realized I couldn't beat his desire to ride, so I joined him and although he worries about me and looks out for me, the thrill can't be beat, there's nothing like it.

We so look forward to riding together, it's fun and such a stress relief for us both. We even ride in groups of 10 bikes or more now, I love it.

I wouldn't want my husband to "refuse" or deny me something that I loved so much, he'd only end up feeling bitter. Because you love him so much, your heart is saying '"no way". I understand perfectly. Now, DS12 wants to come along and to that I say "never happening".

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

DH really wants to get another motorcycle - he had one in his young, single days - but I am not thrilled with the idea. I would never tell him that he couldn't have one but I do tell him how I feel about it.

When I went in to have my shoulder surgery in September the Orthopaedic Surgeon (a good friend of ours) had 4 patients that day to operate on. All of them except for me were from different motorcycle accidents. He told DH that he would never ever own a motorcycle because of the amount of death and severe injuries he sees from those accidents. You can be the safest rider in the world and some idiot in a car will cut you off and cause you to get hurt.

Good luck, OP. I have to agree about the big life insurance policy if your DH does get a bike!

 

[Barbossa]

I rode a sport bike before and after I got married, but stopped riding the minute my DW got pregnant. IMO no one should ride a motorcycle if they're raising kids. I do plan to get back into it once my kids are grown up and on their own, it's so much fun.

Is your DH having a midlife crisis? I have a BIL who's having a major midlife and also wants to get a motorcycle. In his case I think he and his DW need to address the reasons for his crisis, I don't think he's very happy with the way his marriage and family life are going.

 

[Mas17]

I am sorry for your situation. My best friend was in the same situation 3 years ago. She said, NO, He did it anyway, had the bike 2 months & wrecked. The night after Thanksgiving. He was on his way home & a car (teenager) turned left in front of him. Our friend flew off his bike, had/has head trama still, was in a coma for 28 days, months of rehabilitation, several surgeries & will NEVER be the same person he was. That night, he didn't come home "on time". He wife went out to look for him & found the accident. They hadn't even called her yet. It's been a nightmare for them ever since. Hospital bills, arguments - due to his head trama. He is NOT the same person, NEVER will be.

I guess I tell you this because she was so totally against his getting a bike, afraid of what would happen. It happened, just as she imagined.

One of DH's friends was riding with his gf on the back. Was hit by a truck. She was killed instantly, he was in the hospital, coma, leg amputated. Again will never be the same. I also know of others who have been seriously hurt or killed. On the other hand, I know of those that ride with no problems and those who have "given up" on riding becuase of the dangers.

I know they can be safe and fun to ride. I also know is it not always the bikers fault. You just have to be so careful & aware. I personally don't want by boys to get one, but don't think I'll have a say if they are out of my house. That is our rule.

I hope this works out the way you want. Whatever he decides, make him WEAR A HELMUT AT ALL TIMES and UPDATE YOUR INSURANCE POLICY!!

 

[Donnainnj]

My Dad got a bike using most of the money he and my Step-mom got from their wedding. Not a screamer, but a BSA. (in 1976) He had a Honda before that. He rode dirt bikes along with road bikes when he was younger. He has had 3 accidents over the years. The first was when he had a bike worked on and it wasn't fixed properly. The second was when a dog ran out in front of him on a country road in the middle of nowhere. The last accident was the worst. By then he had his Harley. He was on 22 near Scotch Plains and 2 vehicles were fighting while driving, one cut off the other and the other did the same to get him back, etc., well one of these vehicles, a pickup truck ended up hitting him, he got the bike back up and the truck bounced back and hit him again, and then flipped. He was in ICU for 5 days, and out of work for a long time after but he survived and continued riding. A few things make me nervous in your situation, I'm not sure how long he rode in the past, I would want a lot of past experience before seeing someone on a crotch rocket (never heard that term before) and it didn't seem that is the case here, the fact that he wants the sports bike, and has shown he is not going to remain at safe speeds, the fact that you are in North Jersey, unless near Pa the driving is rough enough in a car. Good Luck.
Donna

 

[rina900]

OP, can you elaborate as to which bike he wants to purchase? I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I have two bikes and have been begging my husband to get a bike as well.

He wants a Yamaha FZ1

In my marriage anything this big would be a joint decision. If we didn't both think it was a good idea, it wouldn't happen.

That's how I feel, too!

Look, it is NO WIN situation....

If she has some say-so and says no, then clearly, that is emasculation and she is having to play the heavy.. the 'mommie'....

If she has to give up all say-so and has to be like "sure honey, whatever...." whether she can be emotionally sane and comfortable with that or not.. then that isn't really right either....

This is what comes to my mind - She personally experienced his crazy death-defying outings on his motorcycle when they were younger.... She knew what she was marrying... Did she really think that he was going to be the conservative safe responsible husband and father? (Girls, NEVER marry somebody thinking that they will change or that you can change them.)

IMHO - in this situation, her feelings should be respected... It is not like a motorcycle is something that is necessary for a person's fulfillment and happiness.

She shouldn't HAVE to 'forbid' this....

But, if he wants to put her in this situation...

He is going to do what he wants to do...
At this point, I am not so sure that she has any real supports or rights to forbid something that she knew about when she married him years ago...

That's a little harsh and judgmental. The same person I was at 18 is not the same person I am at 28, and I can't expect him to be the same. Have you been the same person throughout the years? I wasn't exactly the epitome of responsibility at 18.. that's why I was on the back of that bike with him LOL. He's not a bad person and I'm not trying to "change" him, as you say. He is a responsible husband and parent, however, I am not in agreement with this decision he wants to make.

I rode a sport bike before and after I got married, but stopped riding the minute my DW got pregnant. IMO no one should ride a motorcycle if they're raising kids. I do plan to get back into it once my kids are grown up and on their own, it's so much fun.

Is your DH having a midlife crisis? I have a BIL who's having a major midlife and also wants to get a motorcycle. In his case I think he and his DW need to address the reasons for his crisis, I don't think he's very happy with the way his marriage and family life are going.

He's a bit young for a midlife crisis, he's only 30, but he may feel like he needs to do something to keep his "edge" or do something a little more exciting then his due diligence with work and family, which I definitely understand - I just wish it wasn't a motorcycle.

I am sorry for your situation. My best friend was in the same situation 3 years ago. She said, NO, He did it anyway, had the bike 2 months & wrecked. The night after Thanksgiving. He was on his way home & a car (teenager) turned left in front of him. Our friend flew off his bike, had/has head trama still, was in a coma for 28 days, months of rehabilitation, several surgeries & will NEVER be the same person he was. That night, he didn't come home "on time". He wife went out to look for him & found the accident. They hadn't even called her yet. It's been a nightmare for them ever since. Hospital bills, arguments - due to his head trama. He is NOT the same person, NEVER will be.

I guess I tell you this because she was so totally against his getting a bike, afraid of what would happen. It happened, just as she imagined.

One of DH's friends was riding with his gf on the back. Was hit by a truck. She was killed instantly, he was in the hospital, coma, leg amputated. Again will never be the same. I also know of others who have been seriously hurt or killed. On the other hand, I know of those that ride with no problems and those who have "given up" on riding becuase of the dangers.

I know they can be safe and fun to ride. I also know is it not always the bikers fault. You just have to be so careful & aware. I personally don't want by boys to get one, but don't think I'll have a say if they are out of my house. That is our rule.

I hope this works out the way you want. Whatever he decides, make him WEAR A HELMUT AT ALL TIMES and UPDATE YOUR INSURANCE POLICY!!

I am so sorry to hear about your best friend and others involved.. this is exactly what I'm afraid of.

 

[minnie56]

My DH wanted a Harley...about 4 years ago--he bought one. I didn't have to like it then, don't have to like it now. He works very hard and this was his 'thing' ..who am I to say no?? Makes him happy and I know he is very very careful...all I can hope for.

 

[rina900]

My DH wanted a Harley...about 4 years ago--he bought one. I didn't have to like it then, don't have to like it now. He works very hard and this was his 'thing' ..who am I to say no?? Makes him happy and I know he is very very careful...all I can hope for.

I feel like Harleys would be safer. I don't think I would mind a Harley so much as a big sport bike.

 

[DisneyKT]

I feel like Harleys would be safer. I don't think I would mind a Harley so much as a big sport bike.

I know everyone knows someone. My Uncle died when he was 28 his son was 3 at the time and my aunt was 7 months pregnant. He was on the highway on his harley and a man in a truck turned right into him than ran over him. He was dead at the scene. He had been on bikes forever. Owned 6 at the time of his death.

Also my neighbors son died at the age 21 bike went off the road into a tree. She still always wonders what his life would have been like.

I hope you and your husband can work this issue out. Good Luck.

 

[dicar123]

My husband had a motorcycle for awhile. He did increase his life insurance at my insistence. I really wasn't worried about him acting safely. I was worried about all the other people on the road.

He would come home from work, change his clothes and ride for awhile. He came back so relaxed and easy-going. It clearly did wonderful things for him. So, although I HATED it, I made my peace with it.

After he'd had the bike about 3 months, he was on a narrow road near the house. A car was coming from the opposite direction and he scooted over close to the edge, going pretty slowly, and the front tire went off the pavement and onto the dirt shoulder.

He broke his wrist and his elbow. Ruined his boots and jacket. His helmet had scary gouges in it.

About a week later as gently and kindly as I could, I pointed out that really, all he'd done was tip over. He was going slow, no car had had contact with him. But look at the injuries.

He got rid of the bike and he still has regrets. I do too, knowing how much he really enjoyed it.

 

[stego]

when I first got my driver's license, I had a motorcycle. I started out with small displacement, and then moved up to the BIG 360cc. Eventually, I got a small car.

Many years later, I got the bug and purchased a mid-sized scooter. It was purely for commuting purposes. I purchased a high visibility vest that I wore ALL the time. I would sweat like a pig in the summer, and freeze my buns off in the winter. But there were days that the temperature was just right and I would ride along happily.

It took about a year and a half, but I noticed I was getting scared of riding it. As some PP's have stated; it was the behavior of other motorists. Motorists who are protected by big honking SUV's and trucks. They'd blow stop signs and lights; regardless of how visible I was. They see what they want to see; and do what they want to do. I felt unsafe. I talked to my wife one evening and told her I was done; I'd gotten it out of my system.

It took awhile, but I sold it...what a hassle!

Because the scooter was my primary transportation, it required maintenance; I followed the owner's manual to the T...and discovered that the scooter would have to go in much more often than I was used to.

I know, I know, a scooter isn't a motorcycle. I got that thing up to 70 mph and I am very well aware of what can happen striking an object at that velocity.

 

[Bob NC]

I think most husbands will listen to reason and can have their opinion swayed, until you throw in the "I'm not having it" part.

 

[MommaMouse411]

I'm a rider myself...cbr1000rr..Supersports bike...and my kids father is a rider as well.

anything can happen on a bike..I've lost plenty of friends to bike accidents, just like anything can happen in a car, you can't call it. I've had friends that never went down and friends that have...

not sure what state you are in ..but here in FL. they make you take the MSF course before getting your license..which is a great course. I suggest him taking it even though he use to ride.

He should always always always wear a helmet (FL is ok no helmet)...a leather jacket, gloves, boots that cover your ankles...if he does go down then less road rash..even if on a cruiser...plenty of cruiser accidents here in FLorida..they don't wear helmets..

And of course, he should ride with a few buddies..I think its safer..I joined a motorcycle club/riding club and I've never had an issue...Ive been riding since 2003...and I will say...I was one of those hi-speed, knee dragging riders..yes I know, not the smartest thing to do....but now that I'm a mom...I ride with care...but I don't ride alot now that my kids father took the bike away from me lol..not fair..but really it was just sitting there...I plan to ride again when my boys are a little older and I will probably teach them to ride dirt bikes, and so forth...that's my life and we love bikes. so of course in my opinion I would say let him...some people find its not really for them anymore...

and I just think if the person knows how to operate their ride, like how to look when going into a curve, 12 second ahead rule, always know where you would exit, and how would you react to a situation, it makes for better riding.

I've seen many major accidents and I never panicked. Its when you panic, you make the worse damage.