Help! FIL Invited Himself on our trip!

[Bill From PA]

My place of employment is throwing a picnic for us today so this will be my last observation on this as I hear air being pumped into the keg. Simply put, there is no non-rude way to invite yourself to ANYTHING, in fact, the term 'self-invite' is an oxymorn. An invitation is from one person, party or entity to another. If you're got something going on, failed to invite me, and I simply announce 'See ya there', I'm being rude, whether I'm a relative, friend or total stranger and regardless of any favor I may have bestowed on you. And 'That's That', not just for me, but for anyone in the Western World who even pretends to have what used to be called "Manners".

Bill From PA

 

[Keokagal]

Does the Moderator think it's getting a little mean spirited in here? Let us all have a Magical Day. Even w our families.
OP hope all will work out for your whole family.

 

[codygirl5150]

I have to disagree with most of the posts. My in-laws are always requesting selfish things out of us (Example: once they called at 8pm because they got a new TV and wanted my husband to come over to set it up for them--on a weekday no less, hung up on my husband when he said no). If I invite them along, that's one thing--I asked for it....But if they invited themselves on a once in a life time family trip (that's how my few vacations are anyway!!), I would be heartbroken. Maybe alot of people here don't have to deal with selfish in-laws like that. I have my husband "talk" to his parents about issues too, and I talk to my family for him. There's a comfort zone with some families, and in-laws addressing a problem instead of the blood relative would cause MORE underlying problems and hard feelings.
Don't cancel, but tell him you did!! (Yes, lying is wrong, but sometimes needed. Sometimes people just won't take the truth right!)

 

[robinb]

One thing that occured to me when I first read this thread is that perhaps the offer for the condo by the FIL had always been made with the intention of joining the OP and her family when it was accepted. Once the offer was accepted the FIL made his plans too. Perhaps this is less of a "bait and switch" and more of a miscommunication. The FIL was thinking "Come join me at my condo anytime" when he offered it and the OP was thinking "Please feel free to use my condo anytime" when she accepted.

Either way ... I hope that things will work out for her and her family.

 

[Bill From PA]

Quote: "One thing that occured to me when I first read this thread is that perhaps the offer for the condo by the FIL had always been made with the intention of joining the OP and her family when it was accepted."

Nothing wrong with this, just state your intentions up front. If you're going to give or loan something of value to me and there are conditions attached, I may decline your offer if the conditions are not to my liking. The OP said she would not have accepted had she known what was in store.

Bill From PA

 

[jobie61]

All you have to do is show him this thread..........

Case closed.

 

[MartDM]

Having slogged through this entire thread, I have to throw in my two cents worth and say to OP that I think the previously recommended deep breath is well in order here.

While I do agree that FIL overstepped his bounds/manners by including himself without specific invitation to do so, I really don't see it as being quite as insidious as OP painted it with terms like "bait and switch" and the like. Perhaps he didn't handle it quite correctly, but it really does sound to me as though he'd genuinely like to be included in this vacation that will involve both his children's families to varying degrees throughout the time period. Perhaps he was being pushy because he knew an invitiation wouldn't be forthcoming voluntarily or perhaps he's just plain pushy (I have a FIL who is more than a little controlling too so I know how that goes!).

OP, I really believe you are viewing this all from a very self-centered place (your posts very much focus on "me, me, me" with little if any empathy for any other individual involved, whether it's your kids, DH, SIL, or FIL). I don't think it's beyond the bounds of reason to try to see this trip in a more positive light and work on it as an opportunity to get on a better path when it comes to your relationship with FIL.

Seriously OP, it looks from your signature as though you've already had more trips to WDW than many families could ever hope for. This clearly isn't the trip of a lifetime or your only chance to visit WDW so would it really kill you to extend an olive branch to FIL given that what's done is done in terms of travel plans? Why can't you let him know what your plans are and invite him to participate as he sees fit? That won't change your itinerary and you might be surprised by some very special moments such as other posters had happen to them. I think your self-absorbtion and negativity in this case are very unfair to the rest of the family. Perhaps just this one trip could not be about you? It would be a worthy sacrifice I think.

Good luck to you. I know from experience that intrusive and pushy in-laws can be a real drag. I always silently count to 10 and think "these people can't be all bad if they raised this great guy I married - I think I can cut them some slack (again!). I say you should try to be the bigger person and the world will reward you somehow.

 

[unbroken chain]

I am glad this has worked out in a way that you and your husband are happy with, or at least feel you can both live with.

 

[anneofgreengables]

I've been on both sides of the coin--the person imposed on by relatives and the one left behind! It bothers me when relatives do things like stop by unannounced and such. As for the latter, here is the story: BIL and SIL went on a Disney trip and invited other siblings and cousins in the family, including us, to go with them. We decided to come along, then DH thought, since all the siblings and grandkids were going, to invite his mom and dad, too, and pay for his parents himself. They were aging and DH wanted to take his mom (who is all of the grandkids' grandma) to Disney before she passed away since she had never been and has always wanted to. Well, SIL wasn't happy to hear Grandma and Grandpa were coming (it's her DH's and my DH's parents, not hers). We were surprised because we figured since they invited everybody else to join them, it would be no big deal to have the parents go to. And everybody was paying for themselves and only we were paying for mom and dad, so it wasn't a money issue. They didn't want them there. To make a long story short, at Disney, after breakfast, they left us (DH and I, our kids and Grandpa and Grandma) on our own and went ahead. Didn't spend any time with us the whole trip. Perhaps they felt that since they were old, they wouldn't keep up. But the whole trip? Would it be too much to spend a dinner or a little bit of time with us, since they invited us to come along in the first place. When we saw them staking a spot for the parade later, they didn't even invite us to sit with them. We truly felt unwanted just because we had mom and dad with us. I thought of Lilo and Stitch's motto--"Ohana, nobody gets left behind." Well, my DH's mom did pass away a couple of years later, and despite it all, my DH feels good that he took his parents to Disney and that he and our kids spent that magical time with her before it was too late...

I hope things work out for your trip and for everyone involved...

 

[MartDM]

anneofgreengables-

Your SIL and particularly your BIL, who is the son of these people, are complete louts. Not only did they deny their kids the opportunity to experience WDW with Grandma & Grandpa, they made them and you feel intrusive, unwanted, and bad. Certainly they could split up on occasion when they wanted to spend some commando park time, but it's just awful that they couldn't even be bothered to share so much as a meal or the fireworks with your in-laws.

Your DH & you should feel good about your actions. You were kind, generous, and created some great family memories that your SIL's family sadly will never have. I'm certain your in-laws treasured the trip!

 

[jeast]

Some people are toxic. Manipulative, selfish, and unloving. Often charming to outsiders who never understand why their family members don't 'appreciate' their parents (substitute brothers/sisters, etc).

When the OP refers to loving her family unconditionally, she is leaving this man out because he has obviously proven that he is not true family to them. People who have not been raised by people like this will never understand how hard it is to stand up to them when they work their subtle manipulations that to outsiders look like loving concern or a desire to spend time with their grandkids (funny, never cared before!). thus, I undersand your SIL and your DH reluctance to address this.

Unfortunately, when you marry into this situation, i can imagine that you are put in a situation to accept the way DH deals w/the situation, or force a resolution.

Those of you who feel spending time at disney w/grandparents is a wonderful gift to your children, I'm so happy for you. You are truly blessed. But you obviously are NOT dealing with the same situation as the OP, and you may not be able to understand it, not having walked in her shoes. Don't be so quick to judge.

I also feel that many of the responses are from people projecting their own insecurities as older parents or grandparents onto this situation.

OP, the plan you made w/your husband sounds like a great compromise. Two days w/FIL and the rest together. Plenty of time for bonding and memories (I'm guessing-not so much). The rest is for you guys and I wish you a wonderful vacation!

 

[mking624]

Those of you who feel spending time at disney w/grandparents is a wonderful gift to your children, I'm so happy for you. You are truly blessed. But you obviously are NOT dealing with the same situation as the OP, and you may not be able to understand it, not having walked in her shoes. Don't be so quick to judge.

I also feel that many of the responses are from people projecting their own insecurities as older parents or grandparents onto this situation.

And I feel your response shows that you have no clue what many of the people here deal with in the family life...so try not to assume that we "don't understand" simply because we don't agree with the OP. As you stated, don't be so quick to judge.

 

[anneofgreengables]

Your DH & you should feel good about your actions... I'm certain your in-laws treasured the trip!

Thanks! My DH and I have no regrets. My in-laws are not always to easiest people to be with, but we were somehow able to etch some positive memories involving them for us and for the kids...